I’m tired today. Really freakin’ tired. Like completely
dragging ass exhausted where my arms feel like they are tethered to cinder
blocks and my mind just doesn’t want to focus. I woke up this morning feeling
as if I had only fallen asleep twenty minutes earlier. It was that unsatisfying
sleep that leaves you pissed off that your alarm is blaring in your ear
reminding you that you have to be back at work in a few hours. The morning started
off really rough and has left me in a perpetual funk all day so far. I’ve been
feeling distant and a bit lonely today, most likely because I am so fatigued.
Hopefully this delicious sandwich will help give me a tasty fuel to finish out
my day on a more positive note.
I do have a lot weighing on my mind and on my shoulders at
the moment. I work fifty hours a week in a position that never existed before
me, so I am learning and making it up as I go. Having the autonomy to decide
processes is great, but on the flip side it is also very nerve wrecking to not
have a template to follow and not have any guidance. Sometimes I feel like I’m
spinning out of control or wearing a blindfold, taking stabs in the dark.
Somehow luckily the results are typically positive. I have a conference I’m
planning that feels overwhelming at the moment due to being stagnant and not
buckling down to get the work done. I have homework I need to get through, mostly
reading, but my mind just isn’t there right now.
I have a coworker who put in her 3 week notice last week and
I have to say I am a bit envious. She decided based on a series of events that
have happened with where she is living currently, that it is time to just pack
up and head out to try something completely new and adventurous. She is moving
to be with a long distance relationship and live somewhere completely new,
starting a new adventure in the second part of her life. The idea of picking up
and starting somewhere foreign used to be my worst nightmare. Change and
unknown was like a death sentence for me and now it sounds totally inviting. I
just read another article about the overinflated cost of property in Los
Angeles and how a complete tear down in the ghettos of the San Fernando Valley
are listed at $700K and higher. Why are people paying these prices? How is it
okay for a six figure salary earner to feel like they are barely scraping by
because they have a mortgage for some dump of a home in the crappiest part of
the valley that they can barely afford let alone the property taxes? My
coworker has the right idea. Pack up. Pick up. Get a steppin!
The idea of doing something different or even doing the same
thing in a different place sounds liberating. All I’ve ever known is what I
know now. I’ve seen the same landscape for almost 32 years and I’ve grown more
and more distant from my city over the past 10. I complain about 80 degree
winters and hate the pretentiousness of my city, or the flighty and flaky fair
weather people, the overpriced cost of living, and the traffic. Los Angeles
makes me feel even more alone and isolated, as if no one relates to how I think
and there is no place I really fit in. I’ve never felt more like a stranger in
my own city than I do these days.
My hat is off to my coworker for having the balls to say
screw it; to take a giant chance. We should all harness some of that gumption
and look fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of that motherfucking unknown
right in the ugly face and say “screw you, I’m going to defy the odds!” I read
a Harvard Business Review article by Harvard Business Professor Clayton M.
Christensen titled How Will You Measure Your
Life? Don’t Reserve Your Best Business Thinking For Your Career. A part of
his article discussed understanding one’s purpose in order to be a successful
manager professionally and personally in your life. Christensen said, “I apply
the tools of economic metrics a few times a year, but I apply my knowledge of
the purpose of my life every day. It’s the single most useful thing I’ve ever
learned.” After losing my dad so young I have grown to recognize the limited
time we have on this earth and the one shot deal we have to make our lives worth
living. Family, love, friendships are the most important accomplishments. Being
the best in those three categories is my number one priority.
We don’t have any way to gauge how much time we are given to
live out our lives. It is therefore vital to living happily that we do it big
and do it great and enjoy every bit of the process. If it means picking up and
starting over somewhere new or reinventing yourself within your own city, it is
worth doing for the sake of happiness and fulfillment.
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