Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Isn't That An Asshole?

Over the past few months I’ve heard a few people refer to the disorder “Narcissistic personality disorder” when talking about different people and encounters in their lives. Classified by the DSM-IV, Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a condition in which people have an excessive sense of self-importance, an extreme preoccupation with themselves, and a lack of empathy. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I always thought this was just an asshole?

A person with NPD may have a hard time taking criticism and may react to it with rage, shame or humiliation. They tend to take advantage of other people to achieve their own goals, have excessive feelings of self-importance, exaggerate their own personal achievements or talents, be obsessed with fantasies of success, power, wealth, intelligence and ideal love, and need constant attention and admiration. Someone with NPD will have unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment, disregard the feelings of others and have little ability to feel empathy, have obsessive self-interest and pursue solely selfish goals. 

I knew someone who was a classic case of NPD. A complete mess in reality, but saw himself as successful, talented, put together, powerful and had the greatest false sense of ideal love. He was jobless, had a broken family dynamic, was frozen in a state of disarray and fractured by the deep insecurity and shame that he tried so hard to hide by acting overly educated, too worldly for his own good, and enlightened. Yet the transparency of his misrepresentation was glaringly obvious. He at times, when letting his guard down and when motivated by selfish needs of love and attention, was charming and witty and silly, but he was so stricken with this mental disorder that he was unable to love for the sake of loving someone else and unable to truly do something caring out of a desire to make someone else happy. It was always a “what can I get if I give this back to you” type of experience with him. The worst of it was that he thought he was truly kind and deserving of this special treatment. In his ill mind he thought that he was giving back, really empathetic, and a good friend. 

I’m bringing this all up because I realize that it is more than just being a narcissistic fuck. The topic of NPD in the workplace and protected class came up in reading tonight. A case study discussed a coworker lashing out from an instance and his diagnosis of NPD justifying why he behaved a certain way was part of my assignment. These are always traits I’ve thought characterized a selfish prick, but have never considered that there may have be traumatic events or occurrences that have led someone to a mental disorder. The difference between a healthy person and someone that is a selfish asshole is willingness to get help.

In the case of my example, I think that in order to be a good friend one must really get help to gain the ability to recognize what being a good friend really is. And being healthy for me means having the intelligence and wherewithal to know when calling a friendship quits is the right option. There aren’t a ton of things we can say with 100% certainty about life and the decisions we make, but I can tell you this. Life is so short. It is vital to having a happy and meaningful life that we surround ourselves with those who give back and really love us for who we are and are willing to grow with us. 

I have so much love and support in my corner. I have incredible friends in my life and I am very lucky. To the broken, the NPD sufferers, the cold and disconnected hearts, the fearful or the bullies; to all of you out there lashing out from inner pain and struggle and those unable to be a good friend to those who care because of personal trauma, I am sorry for you. I hope you are able to look within and are willing to do the hard work it takes to live a good life. Nothing is handed to you. But help is out there.