Invisible Heart

Sometimes I feel invisible. Not in the sense of a superhero or supernatural powers. I walk through the crowded lobby of my gym and people coming right towards me head on bump into me, as if they expect me to move out of the way. Or perhaps they don't even see me. It's as if I do not exist. Like I'm complete invisible.

I know I am guilty of carrying around "bitch face" and often times people think I'm giving them the stink eye, but for the past year I've been making a conscious effort to be aware of my facial expressions and body language. So what is it that makes people ignore me or expect me to move for them.

This type of thing is not something that happens to everyone. And it's not just isolated instances.  It is of course always frustrating. Perhaps it's the mood I'm presenting at the time that transfers like waves of negative energy. Maybe I'm just not worth noticing.

I know these days I'm at a serious crossroads in my life, where I'm not feeling much connection to my surroundings or where I spend my time. I feel so forgotten and unappreciated by family and I'm so overworked that I never have time or energy when I do have the time to see my friends. My own mother hardly calls me.

To be honest my heart is somewhere else; somewhere I can't be. Every day here comes and goes with regularity and absolutely no meaning for me. It's not where I want to be, and that alone kills me.

I am invisible. I'm a shell of a woman; of a friend; of a daughter; of a manager. All because my heart is not here. I give out the "follow your heart" advice and now it's time I take it myself. I have a soon to be ex-husband who is living how he wants, following his desires. I watch friends make choices from the heart all the time. It's my time to follow my love and take a chance; to start over.

It's not fair for me to just sit and complain and make the one I care about feel bad for me being here. It's my choice to be here and I need to remedy that. I need to weather the storm temporarily, get my shit together and follow my heart.

I may be invisible today, but I won't be forever.