I Miss Him Like Crazy

I created this blog initially as a way to account for the many curve balls thrown my way in my life and show people how I handled them. Over time it has grown to be a collection of my thoughts, ideals, explanation of my values, and experiences and situations I'm working through. It is a projection of my struggles and challenges I face along the crazy journey.

Lately life has thrown me so many of those crazy curve balls. Days I think will be smooth sailing are stressful and completely unenjoyably. Times when I am uninspired, unmotivated, and feeling very frustrated miraculously work out and end up great days. I have given up trying to predict the moods of others and have made a conscious effort to focus on the things within myself that I can change.

Yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of my father passing away. I really didn't think I'd feel anything; its been so long and I've spent so much time, especially within the last five or so years, crying and really grieving and coping. I was sure I got it all out and was more adjusted than this. But it has hit me hard. I miss the guy so much. A big reason why I don't want to have kids is because I don't want to live in a world where I have kids and they do not have their grandpa Danny in their lives. He would have been a great grandpa and I don't see how it would be possible to have kids and not see him every time I looked into their eyes or made them smile.

I miss the guy terribly. I wish I could hear his laugh again and I long for time with him, sitting around the living room, playing blackjack on the floor.

I have a friend at work who lost her mom five months ago. She is really struggling, having a hard time working with families going through the process of loss, while she hasn't come to terms with her own issues. I have tried to be there the best that I can, as a shoulder to cry on and a friend and an advice giver when asked. I feel like I am coming up short because I still have my weaknesses and moments where I curl up into a ball, hide my face in my knees, and cry my eyes out with a sore, broken heart thinking of the fact that he will never be back in my life.

I spent years pretending that my father was off at war; he was off battling something grand and was away doing a civic duty, taking care of us by being away. But that delusion couldn't continue on and I had to eventually come to terms with the fact that he is...DEAD. Gone... and that is when I started forgetting.

If I close my eyes I can hardly see his face. I can't hear his voice or remember his laugh. I know that as soon as he is a completely foggy and distant memory, he will really be lost forever in every sense possible. I don't want to let go. I'm not ready to really be alone.

I miss the guy immensely! Fuck, I miss you Dad. Why did you have to get sick? Why did this become the story of my life? Why was my future mapped out to include a constant struggle? I know that there are probably no answers beyond the coined phrase "it is what it is," but what if there is a deeper meaning? What if I am supposed to have this story because I am meant to teach someone else?

I know he is not coming back and I know life will be different from me than most I know. I realize that I had to grow up VERY fast and that I have to work twice as hard, supporting myself, building my empire from scratch without any assistance. I value every second of every day that I am breathing and above ground, that I am able to remember him in some small way, that I am able to live up to the high standards he set. I am grateful for being physically and mentally able and I work hard daily to show the world that Danny did not die in vain - that he has a legacy and that I am doing him proud.

Dan the man, Danny Felsen, D-Felly, Pops, Daddy....I miss you constantly and always will. You always have the biggest place in my heart and will always be the guiding light leading me towards greatness. You will always be the best teacher, mentor, friend and guardian anyone could ever have, and I feel lucky to have had the time I did with you, despite how short it was. I love you more today and ever and I hope your soul is out there, floating amongst the starchy white clouds, shining down on this world, at total peace.

2 Years

It's been a few days since my last blog. I've really had nothing to complain about; things have been pleasant. And I really don't want this blog to be only complaints. 

I had a great day yesterday. It was my two year anniversary at my job. I sat in on two interviews for an open position and was asked a very strange question by one of the candidates - what are the negative aspects of your job and of the company? I was totally thrown for a minute and then realized that while there are stressful times or days when I'm feeling more pressure than others, there isn't really anything I hate. I am very lucky! I told her that like any job there are days that are better than others, but overall it is a comfortable, encouraging environment with a great team of coworkers and supportive management staff. I also noted that it was not an easy question to answer as what may be negative to me may be something she doesn't see as an issue. 

My answer was truthful. I don't tolerate my job and do it for a paycheck; I really love it. I work with a very unique group of people who, while they have their quirks, are genuinely good people. Total personalities. And I honestly do not think there is anyone out there who laughs as much as I do at their job. I crack up daily and can't imagine it any other way.

I think the best part of my job is having a boss that encourages me to try, learn and grow. I feel valued and trusted and that makes me want to work harder and better. Nothing is more satisfying then a day when projects are completed with ease, we work in sync and have fun in the process. Most days I leave work with a smile on my face because I know I did a good job and had a fun time in the process. 

I may not have that fancy house or a high powered car, but I have something more valuable. I have a job that I really look forward to every morning where I get to do what I love with amazing people. Today I have a full, happy heart and can't wait to see what the next two years have in store for me.