Wishing on Eyelashes

Im sure you've all heard of the old belief that if an eyelash accidentally falls out, you can make a wish, just as you can do when you see a falling star. Like the shooting star, I seem to be a k ways wishing on an eyelash for someone to make a change or do something different or for a situation to get resolved. The belief is completely a myth.

Besides the typical wish for personal happiness, I'm always wishing these days for someone to take a chance on me. For someone to fight for me;  make accommodations.

If a shooting star crossed my path at this very moment, I would close my eyes and wish for someone to take a leap and not look back. I'd wish for certain situations to not matter as much and my life not feel so heavy with so many challenges. I would wish for a fighting chance at a better future.

No one is exempt from flaws or bad habits. We all develop them as we pass through our lives in different relationships, friendships, families, etc. I realized tonight it takes more than wishes to change these behaviors and it's important to put the work into the relationships you feel are important. It's vital to show the ones we love that they are worth it all, whatever it takes as scary as it may be, and no step is too great when it's one step closer to a fulfilling life.

When you're scared, charge even further forward. When you're unsure, make calculated moves. When you love, love hard and don't turn your back. Move toward the ones you love and away from those who hurt.

Wishing on an eyelash or a ball of gas in the sky is a useless gesture. Words are important, but actions and showing steps speaks the loudest. These are all lessons my dad tried to teach me so many years ago, and like most important things in my life, I yet again find myself learning the hard way.

Sometimes, scratch that, most of the time we only think we know it all, but the reality is we need to listen more and trust blinding in the advice of the ones who love us.

Here's to blind faith in love and future.

25,000 Feet

About twenty minutes into my return flight from Baltimore this Sunday I closed my eyes and started to think about my 72 hour whirlwind adventure. The trip, while mostly business, was so enjoyable and turned out to be quite liberating for me. It wasn't about where I was going, I could have traveled to PA or NYC or really any other state. It was the act of getting on a plane and taking off to a different place, mixing things up, that woke me up to the fact that I have forgotten what it is like to do what I want and make choices for myself. It opened my eyes to what I have been missing in my life and to the things I really want to fight for.

I'm sitting here in my bed typing away and I can honestly say I feel different. These past few days I know I am a more confident, certain and strong person. I don't have a desire to take part in any drama in any sort of way and do not want people around that bring me down. I don't want to limit myself because I'm afraid anymore and really don't have much confidence in others who do. I try my best not to be too brutally blunt with people and really do need to work on reigning in my cynicism and sarcastic joking around. I have noticed that if I am upset, disappointed, frustrated from a situation, I tend to use sarcasm to express my feelings rather than talk about it. And sometimes it just comes out unintentionally with no motive. More fun things to work on.

The point of my blog is actually to talk about choices and the real value of every decision we make. It isn't to harp on the things I feel I am lacking or improvements I should make. I helped my boss coordinate this large annual conference he was asked to host for an organization within our field. It was quite an honor to be involved in the planning process and in the end I coordinated more than 90% of the conference. I was asked by the organization to coordinate the conference again this year in Baltimore, which led me to my trip this past weekend. My decision to do this also led me to making some amazing friendships and quality relationships that I would not have if I did not agree to participate.

With my eyes closed on the plane, drifting in and out of a sleep state, my mind bounced from one decision I've made in the past to another, thinking about the way they are all linked to the place I am now, sitting in this plane, heading back from an amazing trip, working at my job, doing what I do. I realize that not everyone believes that all things happen for a reason, but I do. I am starting to think coincidences do not exist. Each person in our lives serves a purpose, whether it is good or bad, whether it is a relationship that is supposed to make you think or a friendship that helps you grow. The importance of every decision is something we need to be open and willing to recognize.

This trip showed me that I not only love the East Coast, but I love my ability to do things on my own and make my own decisions. It showed me that the people in my life that do not give me what I want were good for a time, but do not need to be there any longer. I learned what true friendship and companionship is, what opportunity I have, and the value in living life in the moment and giving up a bit of control.

Tonight, even though it was Chanukah and I was alone and wishing I had kids to light the Menorah with and a family to say prayers and make potato pancakes with, I am not as sad as I had expected I would be. I know that I am loved by those important to me and for those who can't seem to be there, I really do not need them. I know that I am going back to Baltimore on another adventure and I can't wait to see what unfolds. I can't wait to approach this year taking life as it comes my way, embracing change and unknown adventure, meeting new people and taking a positive, proactive role in my life.

Happy Chanukah to my Jewish friends out there. May it be warm and bright.

Thankfulness

Thanksgiving is this Thursday and the closer it gets the more I contemplate the idea of thankfulness and reflect on the past year. Being completely honest, I have really struggled to recognize the things in my life that I am thankful for this past year. I have been completely consumed by all of the change that has taken place and have had a difficult time seeing past my own negativity, self doubt, fears and emotions.

Last night I did a five minute grounding meditation, aware of my body and the tension I store in different places, connecting to the front and back of my body, in tune with the rhythm of my breath. I let my mind wander to all that I want to move past and then beyond that, to all that I am thankful for currently in the present moment. With each deep breath in I thought about something I was working towards, and as I let each breath out, I expelled any worry or fear I have in accomplishing my goal.

Today I am thankful for a second chance. I am thankful for everything that has happened in my life, even the painful moments and tragic losses. As a little girl, I remember laying in my ivory metal trundle bed looking up at the stars peeking through the trees outside my window, thinking about my adult life. I imagined I would be happily married with children of my own, a big brown dog, fun afternoons filled with family outings and home cooked family dinners. I had the idea that I would have a typical traditional lifestyle. My dream did not include losing my dad within three months of a diagnosis of terminal brain cancer at 20 years old or getting divorced at 31 and starting over, with limited savings and a tiny apartment. My dream didn't include losing half of my family after my father passed away due to irreconcilable differences. The vision I had for my future definitely did not include struggling this much.

But today, instead of looking at this struggle and all the pain as a negative thing, I approach it a bit differently. Everything that has happened in my life, for better or worse, has shaped me. The struggle has made me stronger and self sufficient. I have survived and will continue, regardless of how much shit is thrown at me along the way.

This weekend I had a conversation with someone about what we give up when we get into a relationship and losing track of parts of our personality that we used to love. It is unfortunate, but this happens more often than not. Often times we meet someone and fall in love, doing whatever it takes to be with them, even if that means giving up hobbies or parts of our identity that make us who we are. Its a huge sacrifice to make, and not necessarily a good one. I am so thankful for a second chance to be able to rebuild my identity and find the things that make me happy, that I love to be a part of and feel passionate for. I am thankful for being able to start over and choose for me what it is I want to do with my life. In discussing this my friend recalls parts of who he was years ago before getting married that he really enjoyed about himself, yet over time as a sacrifice he made for his relationship, that guy ceased to exist. I can relate to this, as who I am today is a more rigid, mature and focused version of the girl I was when I first started dating my ex. I have lost the spontaneity and creativity that I once had and loved about myself. I was never this much in my own head and feel like I've really lost touch of the things I am passionate about.

Sometimes we need someone in our lives to remind us that we were once happy. To give us that slap in the face wake up call, showing us that we were once a happier person, loving life and finding enjoyment in a great many things. Sometimes we need to close our own eyes and look at our lives through the lens of someone else. I hope my friend can remember what he was told, seeing the great attributes of the man he once was, and is able to get back to the time he was most content. I wish for him and anyone else going through pain the ability to accept these situations for what they are and move past them, finding a new way of living happily, working towards a better future.

To conclude this entry, I have made a list of what I am thankful for this holiday season:

• I am thankful for the ability to start over, alive and healthy, and work towards a good future.
• I am thankful for my family (what is left of it) and my dear friends who have been my lifeline through all this change.
• I am thankful for my job, providing me a decent income to sustain and start over financially
• I am thankful for my health, both physical and mental.
• I am thankful for my emotions, while it may not always be easy to process, I am still able to feel and would rather feel something even pain than feel nothing at all.
• I am thankful for connectivity, being able to find someone who thinks like I do, understands, and appreciates the world in a way similar to myself.
• I am thankful for new beginnings, learning to trust and love again.
• I am thankful for my past, because without it I would not be who I am today.
• I am thankful for my future, and the endless possibilities.
• I am thankful for those who read my writing.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Wishing you the best this holiday season.

Only Child Syndrome

I am definitely an only child. I am SO inflexible when it comes to change or things going differently from what I had envisioned. I just had a thought provoking conversation with someone that touched on expectations and breaking promises. Both are heavy topics in my life. I have made it too easy to break promises to myself these past few months. Even promises as simple as shortchanging my time at the gym or driving all the way out to Brentwood to go to a Cardio Barre class then turning around and going home because I “worked hard” that day. Every time I break a promise to myself I am let down and lower my opinion of myself.  And in doing so it affects my relationships and interactions with other people.

I also set my expectations for myself and other people WAY too high. I expect things to go exactly how I imagine them or got my heart set on, which is a recipe for being consistently let down and upset. I know I am putting myself in a negative space emotionally by doing this. The thought just occurred to me – what makes me so special that everyone should do things exactly how I want them to be done or think of me in the way I think I should be cared for? What obligation do people have to be a friend the same way I am to them? Just because I put 100% into my friendships does not necessarily mean they should as well. And while I’m conducting an honest examination of my life, I don’t know if I really am putting 100% into my friendships as I should be. There are several friends I have flaked on and neglected and have absolutely no good reason for it other than selfishness and laziness.

To be completely honest, this is what is getting me down. It is truly selfish and quite ridiculous that this is the trivial issue that is plaguing me at the moment. But in an effort to expel these negative feelings and be honest, I will share with you…

I really hate when plans are changed on me. I hate when things break out of the normal, anticipated cycle. I am very selfish about my time with people I really want to be with and when things are changed up on me I shut down and go to an “all or nothing” way of thinking. I feel unimportant; unwanted; unrecognized. I am sure that isn’t that case (or maybe it really is), and I know it is a completely unhealthy way to feel. I believe it comes from being that only child that was loved so deeply and given so much. I was given all the attention and rarely had to share. I always had both my parents’ attention and was entertained constantly. I was not left wanting and am very grateful for all the things my parents provided for me as a result of their hard work and dedication to family. I was the top priority for so long that I know nothing else.

This may be true for when I was a child, but I am a 31 year old adult with a hell of a lot of life experience and a good head on my shoulders. I should know better than to be this way. Expectations set too high equal constant let down. I am no more special than anyone else and I am no more deserving of someone’s time. Plans change. People get busy. Time is always marching along. Things come up. Flexibility and adaptation to unexpected changes are mandatory for a happy existence. I’m no longer a child with all the attention and focus on me. The world does not revolve around Erin.

Instead, my focus should be on keeping promises to myself and having more realistic expectations for my capabilities, my future, and the people around me. I hope that I can really learn to quiet this anxious unrest in my heart and settle into living a life where I trust the people I choose to keep close. I hope I find some harmonious balance and understanding for the fluctuation in life.

Biological Father

This is Mike. He is my biological father. Mike and I met a few years ago and are starting to build a friendship. Many of you may not know that I was adopted at birth. I was given an incredible childhood full of love, education, silliness, and adventure. My dad was everything to me and will always be the only father I have.

Mike and I started talking a few years ago when I reached out to him curious about the other person responsible for my creation. Lately he has taken an interest in being an active participant in my life and is making the effort to get to know me.

My intention with this entry is not to showcase Mike, but to vent the feelings I had following lunch with him yesterday. Yesterday was a hard day. I can't seem to say that enough. I know the first holiday after a divorce is difficult, but this may be the hardest part of yesterday for me. I met Mike for lunch on Yom Kippur. I know, I should have been fasting... bad Jew! But it was the only time we could meet before he left for a three week trip to Italy and he really wanted to see me before he left. We met for a late lunch at a cute cafe and had a wonderful time catching up, telling stories of who we were in the past, laughing and smiling. It was a very pleasant afternoon. He made it very clear that he wanted to be a part of my life and get involved. I should be happy.

But I left feeling deeply saddened by the fact that it was lunch with my biological father instead of my dad who raised me, was my best friend, and was not here with me anymore. I felt a stabbing pain in my heart that I haven't felt in a very long time. I felt the void of him being gone ripping me apart and reminding me that the one person I want to be there for me throughout this period of transition in my life is just not able to. I was again very aware of his absence and my heart hurt so much. Driving home over Laurel Canyon I could hardly catch my breath. I couldn't stop the tears and couldn't get past the emptiness. I was back to where I was 11 years ago; angry that he is gone too soon and asking why this had to happen.

The whole weekend has been very emotional. I make light of a lot of things and diffuse uncomfortable situations with humor in order to deflect any real emotion if its something I don't want to feel. Going to temple was something important to my father and so I went in his honor. The Kol Nidre service starting Yom Kippur was a service he and I used to attend together. It was tradition and I promised to continue that. So I went. But it was not without bringing up emotions that I haven't felt in years and left me sleepless and saddened, saying into the darkness of my bedroom at 1:30 in the morning "I'm sorry that you didn't get the chance to see me as a woman. I'm sorry you didn't get to see me truly happy. I'm sorry you are not here."

I try not to talk about him too much and try not to be that girl that walks around with a chip on her shoulder; that girl who everyone is afraid to talk about their parents around in fear that it will make me feel bad that I am missing one of my own. I don't want to seem broken or damaged because I am not. I am just hurt and I am surviving and throughout all this I have come to realize the grieving process never ends. It gets easier to maintain and to process emotions, but you are always grieving the loss if it is a love so great and so important that living life without them is not the same.

I am lucky that my biological father wants to be in my life and look forward to years of getting to know one another. But I am sad at the same time that my father who could not see how much of an impact he made on my life and how his imprint will be with me forever. I can only live in his honor and be the best person I can and hope that his spirit is out there somewhere, watching me with a smile on his face.

I Miss Him Like Crazy

I created this blog initially as a way to account for the many curve balls thrown my way in my life and show people how I handled them. Over time it has grown to be a collection of my thoughts, ideals, explanation of my values, and experiences and situations I'm working through. It is a projection of my struggles and challenges I face along the crazy journey.

Lately life has thrown me so many of those crazy curve balls. Days I think will be smooth sailing are stressful and completely unenjoyably. Times when I am uninspired, unmotivated, and feeling very frustrated miraculously work out and end up great days. I have given up trying to predict the moods of others and have made a conscious effort to focus on the things within myself that I can change.

Yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of my father passing away. I really didn't think I'd feel anything; its been so long and I've spent so much time, especially within the last five or so years, crying and really grieving and coping. I was sure I got it all out and was more adjusted than this. But it has hit me hard. I miss the guy so much. A big reason why I don't want to have kids is because I don't want to live in a world where I have kids and they do not have their grandpa Danny in their lives. He would have been a great grandpa and I don't see how it would be possible to have kids and not see him every time I looked into their eyes or made them smile.

I miss the guy terribly. I wish I could hear his laugh again and I long for time with him, sitting around the living room, playing blackjack on the floor.

I have a friend at work who lost her mom five months ago. She is really struggling, having a hard time working with families going through the process of loss, while she hasn't come to terms with her own issues. I have tried to be there the best that I can, as a shoulder to cry on and a friend and an advice giver when asked. I feel like I am coming up short because I still have my weaknesses and moments where I curl up into a ball, hide my face in my knees, and cry my eyes out with a sore, broken heart thinking of the fact that he will never be back in my life.

I spent years pretending that my father was off at war; he was off battling something grand and was away doing a civic duty, taking care of us by being away. But that delusion couldn't continue on and I had to eventually come to terms with the fact that he is...DEAD. Gone... and that is when I started forgetting.

If I close my eyes I can hardly see his face. I can't hear his voice or remember his laugh. I know that as soon as he is a completely foggy and distant memory, he will really be lost forever in every sense possible. I don't want to let go. I'm not ready to really be alone.

I miss the guy immensely! Fuck, I miss you Dad. Why did you have to get sick? Why did this become the story of my life? Why was my future mapped out to include a constant struggle? I know that there are probably no answers beyond the coined phrase "it is what it is," but what if there is a deeper meaning? What if I am supposed to have this story because I am meant to teach someone else?

I know he is not coming back and I know life will be different from me than most I know. I realize that I had to grow up VERY fast and that I have to work twice as hard, supporting myself, building my empire from scratch without any assistance. I value every second of every day that I am breathing and above ground, that I am able to remember him in some small way, that I am able to live up to the high standards he set. I am grateful for being physically and mentally able and I work hard daily to show the world that Danny did not die in vain - that he has a legacy and that I am doing him proud.

Dan the man, Danny Felsen, D-Felly, Pops, Daddy....I miss you constantly and always will. You always have the biggest place in my heart and will always be the guiding light leading me towards greatness. You will always be the best teacher, mentor, friend and guardian anyone could ever have, and I feel lucky to have had the time I did with you, despite how short it was. I love you more today and ever and I hope your soul is out there, floating amongst the starchy white clouds, shining down on this world, at total peace.

A Child's Mind

I have limited experience with children. I was raised an only child and do not have many relatives or friends with children. It wasn't until recently that I learned I have half siblings, with one as young as six turning seven. Initially I felt awkward around her, difficult to relate and unsure how to communicate. But as time passed and we saw each other more frequently things began to feel like second nature.

I spent time with my biological mother and her two daughters last night. One girl is 14 almost 15 and the other is almost 7. They are both incredible children; the almost 15 year old reminds me of my spirit and style when I was her age in the 90's. She wears the same Doc Martins as I once wore she has the same witty sarcasm that catches me off guard often. She is also beautiful. Beautiful, thick brown hair, perfect complexion, skinny little body. Kind hearted, sensitive, creative; she is incredible. 

The almost 6 year old is hilarious. An old soul and a true comedian, she is nonstop energy. I am not sure where she gets most of her material, which is well beyond comprehension of most of her peers. She is loving and timid yet outgoing and shameless at the same time. Also incredible. 

Any how, the reason I'm telling you all this is because of a question raised by the almost 7 year old in the car about grandma and her memory. The girls have a great grandma who is 92 years old and recently suffered a broken shoulder as a result of a fall in the shower. As my biological mom explained to me the situation and how dementia has made it very difficult for great grandma to cope with her injury, the almost 7 year old asked why great grandma forgets. She asked with such worry and sensitivity in her voice. To this question my biological mom explained that sometimes when you grow old your memory does not work as well as it once did. She told her that it is hard for great grandma to remember where she is and that scares her. The almost six year old asked if she is all alone and was reassured that she always has someone who loves her by her side. Feeling more confident that great grandma is being cared for she then asked why grandma doesn't have problems remembering because she is also old. The concept of dementia was then further explained in as simple terms as possible. 

There was no trouble comprehending. The almost 7 year old understood. It was incredible to witness this exchange and was a very important moment in her growth. I do not remember anyone explaining to me my grandfathers condition of Acromegaly when I was 5 when he finally died. I only remember grandpa looking funny and unable to verbally communicate. No one answered my questions about my fathers heart condition or triple bypass surgery when I was 9.

I was no longer afraid to have adult conversations with the little one. She can handle it all. 

I am so lucky to have such intelligent and dynamic half sisters. For the remainder of the evening we laughed like crazy and sang obnoxiously in the car to bad pop music. It was a perfect night and a big reminder that I am lucky to have a great extended family to top off my loving immediate family. I know I'm loved and am loving it. I am glad my life followed this path and that I am able to get to know my biological mom as a grown up; as a friend. 

Dan The Man

Today is a hard day. I used to love Father's Day. I loved every day I spent with my dad, but father's day was a time I could make things extra special for him to show him how much love I had for him. Whether it was a creative project or a store bought gift, I loved putting something special together for him to show him how appreciative I was of his care and love.

Today Father's Day falls right along side his birthday, my birthday, any anniversary date, etc. - another reminder of his absence and a stinging on my heart that he is not around for the future. A whole day dedicated to showing appreciation and love to our father's and I am unable to do so.

Social media makes this even worse. Post after post of pictures of friends and their fathers paying homage to their strong male role models who they love so dearly. I want to be happy for everyone, I really do. I want to be happy that they have such wonderful father's in their lives that they love so much who are around to celebrate the good times and help them through times that are tough. But there is a part of me that is jealous that they have all this and that my father, so good and so kind, was taken from my life too early and is not here for me to show him how much good he has done for me in my own life and how much I have learned as a result of him.  

I must confess I can barely remember his voice. Actually most of the time I cannot recall the timber in his voice as he said my name. I can barely remember his face if I am not looking at a picture. I can slightly remember his smell in his suit shirts when he came home from work and gave me a hug after walking in the door to our house. I have no recollection of his laugh. I wish I did and never thought a day would come where I would forget. I want to remember everything and fear that a day will come where I cannot remember him at all. And then he will really be gone for eternity. I feel like small but detailed memories like the creases on his brow or the pitch to his laugh or the memories of moments in time like my first birthday or Saturday's at the Venice High basketball courts are what keeps his spirit on this earth. It preserves him in my mind and keeps his presence in my life. I know there will be a day where I will have forgotten all these details and he will be officially gone forever. I am scared and sad for that day to come.

On this Father's Day I will try extra hard to remember. And I will use the pictures posted by my friends as motivation to keep my father in my life through the memories in my mind and the love in my heart. I will work harder in his honor to live as he did and be a better person; nicer to others, more helpful to strangers, less judgmental to those less fortunate or who I do not understand. If he cannot be here with me I will life for him in my daily life. My memories may fade with passing time but he will live on in my actions. Dan the Man will live on forever.