Running Away From Nothing Tangible

I am running and running on this goddamn machine trying to run away my achy heart and frustrated mind. I can break past the funk from the terrible morning I had before leaving my house. I can't seem to run fast enough.

I have so much fuel for this fire right now that I can barely find the right place to start. I am mad. I'm mostly mad at myself for various choices I've made to end up where I am now. I'm so far behind where I should be. Not in comparison to anyone else, but where I wanted to be by this point in my life. I had higher hopes and bigger expectations. I'm sick of having nothing to show for the hours and endless effort I put into my life. I'm so fucking irritated with people who sit around all day and somehow everything works out and they get exactly what they need and have endless money to buy whatever they want. This rat race is doing a hell of a number on my psyche. 

I'm also really worried. I am worried about financial matters daily and hardly sleep. I'm working so hard at my job and to get this degree so I can get a masters and I'm wondering if there really is a point. I think the only point is that with that piece of paper my opinion will actually have credibility. I will be valued as a competent contributor who know what they are taking about. I will value myself more. Tom will value my intelligence more. I won't have to struggle as much. I will find my confidence.

I'm very uncertain about many things in my future - school, my relationship, my finances, etc. I felt very isolated today with a ton of pressure on me that I can't get past. I feel like I'm drowning in so much of life's bullshit and no one is around to throw me a fucking life raft. 

I don't want to worry anyone (if anyone actually reads this at all) - I'm going to be fine. I always am. I'll make it through this and on to another day, month, year. Some things may change from day to day and I will always work on bettering myself. I just hope I find some people who understand along the way.