At the end of the day all we have is ourselves to rely on, to count on and a big part of living a happy life is being accepting of this. I feel a sense of freedom in releasing myself from making decisions because I feel obligated. The only true obligation I have in this world is to take care of myself.
As I continue to soul search and repair myself I am finding that I have a much deeper sensitive side than I was aware of. I'm feeling emotions and processing things in a healthy way now and I'm starting to enjoy the process. Today I woke up and took a walk in the rain to process what was on my mind. I was upset about someone not calling me back and not making time for me as I was told would happen. I don't like feeling like I'm put on the back burner, especially not by someone I never act that way too. But as I found clarity on my walk I realized that I am the reason I'm feeling slighted.
It's my way of thinking that leaves me feeling this way. I make myself way too available for everyone I care about. I often drop everything for certain people and that isn't healthy behavior. I am left feeling like shit when someone says they will make me a priority and then they drop the ball because I always do it for them. That's my big old bad!
Today is a double workout day. I'm currently running on the treadmill voice to text dictating this blog, trying to get the gloom and doom out of my heart. I don't like feeling like a victim and I don't want to be hurt. I need to get back to protecting myself and taking care of #1 - me! I need to do for me and think for me more rather than doing for others so much. I forgot my own value.
I'm also at a crossroads in my life where I need to figure out what I really want and what I'm doing here. Some days I wake up with a fear that I'm 31, almost 32, and am fucking my life up with bad or no decision making. I feel like half the times I move too quickly at lightning speed and the other half I am stagnant. Time to shit or get off the pot after making healthy decisions.
I don't want to be one of those people who let their fears dictate their actions. I am not going to let fear of disappointing people stop me from making a choice that's right for me. I'm not going to piss away a good thing and push people out of my life because I'm scared to take a fucking chance and make a move. I'm not going to sit and take the shit thrown at me passively and wait for life to somehow "happen" because we all know deep down inside that absolutely NOTHING just happens for people. You need to make that shit come to fruition.
Today was a wake up call and it's time to get back on track to taking care of me. Time to push it. Ah, just push it. Push it real good.
I'm pushing it... pushing it real good.
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