Scrapes and Burns

This weekend was so incredibly bittersweet. It left me considering my place in life and those I keep close to me in my inner circle. It was a complete roller coaster of emotions; from genuine laughter and silliness to deep conversation. Experiences were both lighthearted and extremely heavy. By the end of the weekend, Sunday night, I was sure of one thing; I was going to stand up for my emotions and be real and honest with those whom I care about and want to maintain relationships with.

Today I woke up knowing I am sick and tired of making excuses for those in my life who are unable to express emotion or take ownership for the part they play in any wrongdoing or feelings of ill will. I am sick of giving third and fourth chances to people who only take. I can't stand feeling like a fool for putting myself out there with my heart on my sleeve, expressing myself and being up front and honest with my feelings regardless of whether they are good or bad, when others can't seem to do the same. I will no longer give out respect when it is not reciprocated.

Worst of all is the person who is so void of emotion and so detached that they cannot admit when they have faltered and are unable to be a real friend and own up to their wrongdoings. I was raised right, with a good head on my shoulders, a solid conscience and a big heart and know that when I hurt someone, intentionally or by accident, it is my responsibility to own up to my bad behavior and give someone the satisfaction of knowing why I did what I did. Even if there is no good reason.

We are all humans capable of making bad decisions and likely to act in ways that hurt other human beings, even when we do not have bad intentions. A true good, kind soul is one that is capable of listening to other people and is receptive to the feedback they get about how their actions and choices have affected others. We are not always going to like or appreciate what we hear, but there is really no other way to grow and become better if we cannot hear criticism and feedback. No one is perfect and only a fool, in my opinion, thinks they have nothing left to learn and are flawless.

Here is a quick story. My friend went through a situation that really bothers me. She was dating a guy who swept her off her feet. He seemed completely charming, hitting it off right away, having a juicy two hour make out session on their first date, and getting in deep within a matter of weeks. As she described their relationship it seemed as if they were both really into each other, spending a lot of time with one another after work and on the weekends when he was free or she was not committed to other plans. They seemed to really enjoy the company of one another, and she seemed to give in to opening up and trusting in him. She sat in tears and explained that out of nowhere he suddenly pulled away, distancing himself, no longer spending as much time with her, barely showing sexual interest, which left her feeling undesirable and unattractive. She said that she had no idea what she had done wrong and could not understand that even with all the similarities they shared in the way they thought and their likes and dislikes, she was still not enough and he pulled away. She repeated over and over again, "how could he do this to me?"

It was really heartbreaking to think about someone doing such a thing and giving no explanation, but the worst was not the fact that he retracted his feelings and lacked closeness so abruptly. It was his callousness in response when she reached out again with her emotions on her sleeve. It was as if he had no concern for the affect he had on her and the weight of his actions. It was as if she were completely disposable and not worthy of his respect. I wanted so badly to tell my friend that she was wasting her time investing in a man so broken and in desperate need of personal growth and work on his own lost soul. It wasn't actually something she had done wrong. Perhaps she was simply not physically attractive to him. That was definitely not something she wanted to hear, but still it was a possibility.

Regardless of the million "whys" we tossed back and forth, the only part worth focusing on was the fact that the man she pursued was broken and incapable of accepting his role in hurting her and unable to face the affects of his actions. He was devastated from a divorce that left him feeling inconsequential and abandoned and yet he was so blinded to what was the real reason his wife had left. He had never actually been able to look within and examine himself, seeing past ego and this unrealistic defensive viewpoint that he was not in need of any personal change. It was all a rouse and a front to hide his anxiousness and feelings of inferiority and loneliness.

My friend knew all along that he was not right for her. That she was in fact healthier mentally and more capable of having a successful, loving relationship. She knew that she deserved a partner that would rub her neck when she was sore or give her advice and really be there when she needed hug and words of encouragement. He was not that because he couldn't see past his own life and his own needs. He was far too selfish to give her what she deserved and she was far too good for him. For that type of relationship.

I hate seeing people hurting and I too will make a million excuses for someone if I want things to work out, but something I can learn from this example is not to waste my time on those who are too self absorbed to be really connected and true to others they care about. We should not lower our expectations to accommodate those who are unwilling to do so for us.

As she explained how heartbroken and embarrassed she was for pursing a man who made such little effort to care and love her back, I felt bad for the man because he was so blinded by his own failures and pain that he threw away a chance to be with such a beautiful person. He was so stuck on the failure of his marriage and the drama in his own life that he was unable to see that a beautiful, smart, funny, kind, gentle, dedicated woman was there trying to do nothing other than love him.

It makes me sad that so many people in this world are overly focused on all the bad things that have happened to them, failed marriages, lack of employment, feeling sorry for ourselves instead or recognizing the good that is right in front of them, ultimately throwing away a truly good relationship for their own sorrows. Some people really seem to want to stay miserable.

I feel bad for those feeling like my friend and wish that I could either change the way people think or help people to move on without feeling pain. Life is so difficult with so many layers like a bitter onion. All we can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep our eyes open and focused on the potential for good and true love within our lives. No one ever said life is going to be easy. Its just about surviving the scrapes and burns we get along the way.