Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Isn't That An Asshole?

Over the past few months I’ve heard a few people refer to the disorder “Narcissistic personality disorder” when talking about different people and encounters in their lives. Classified by the DSM-IV, Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a condition in which people have an excessive sense of self-importance, an extreme preoccupation with themselves, and a lack of empathy. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I always thought this was just an asshole?

A person with NPD may have a hard time taking criticism and may react to it with rage, shame or humiliation. They tend to take advantage of other people to achieve their own goals, have excessive feelings of self-importance, exaggerate their own personal achievements or talents, be obsessed with fantasies of success, power, wealth, intelligence and ideal love, and need constant attention and admiration. Someone with NPD will have unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment, disregard the feelings of others and have little ability to feel empathy, have obsessive self-interest and pursue solely selfish goals. 

I knew someone who was a classic case of NPD. A complete mess in reality, but saw himself as successful, talented, put together, powerful and had the greatest false sense of ideal love. He was jobless, had a broken family dynamic, was frozen in a state of disarray and fractured by the deep insecurity and shame that he tried so hard to hide by acting overly educated, too worldly for his own good, and enlightened. Yet the transparency of his misrepresentation was glaringly obvious. He at times, when letting his guard down and when motivated by selfish needs of love and attention, was charming and witty and silly, but he was so stricken with this mental disorder that he was unable to love for the sake of loving someone else and unable to truly do something caring out of a desire to make someone else happy. It was always a “what can I get if I give this back to you” type of experience with him. The worst of it was that he thought he was truly kind and deserving of this special treatment. In his ill mind he thought that he was giving back, really empathetic, and a good friend. 

I’m bringing this all up because I realize that it is more than just being a narcissistic fuck. The topic of NPD in the workplace and protected class came up in reading tonight. A case study discussed a coworker lashing out from an instance and his diagnosis of NPD justifying why he behaved a certain way was part of my assignment. These are always traits I’ve thought characterized a selfish prick, but have never considered that there may have be traumatic events or occurrences that have led someone to a mental disorder. The difference between a healthy person and someone that is a selfish asshole is willingness to get help.

In the case of my example, I think that in order to be a good friend one must really get help to gain the ability to recognize what being a good friend really is. And being healthy for me means having the intelligence and wherewithal to know when calling a friendship quits is the right option. There aren’t a ton of things we can say with 100% certainty about life and the decisions we make, but I can tell you this. Life is so short. It is vital to having a happy and meaningful life that we surround ourselves with those who give back and really love us for who we are and are willing to grow with us. 

I have so much love and support in my corner. I have incredible friends in my life and I am very lucky. To the broken, the NPD sufferers, the cold and disconnected hearts, the fearful or the bullies; to all of you out there lashing out from inner pain and struggle and those unable to be a good friend to those who care because of personal trauma, I am sorry for you. I hope you are able to look within and are willing to do the hard work it takes to live a good life. Nothing is handed to you. But help is out there.

Scrapes and Burns

This weekend was so incredibly bittersweet. It left me considering my place in life and those I keep close to me in my inner circle. It was a complete roller coaster of emotions; from genuine laughter and silliness to deep conversation. Experiences were both lighthearted and extremely heavy. By the end of the weekend, Sunday night, I was sure of one thing; I was going to stand up for my emotions and be real and honest with those whom I care about and want to maintain relationships with.

Today I woke up knowing I am sick and tired of making excuses for those in my life who are unable to express emotion or take ownership for the part they play in any wrongdoing or feelings of ill will. I am sick of giving third and fourth chances to people who only take. I can't stand feeling like a fool for putting myself out there with my heart on my sleeve, expressing myself and being up front and honest with my feelings regardless of whether they are good or bad, when others can't seem to do the same. I will no longer give out respect when it is not reciprocated.

Worst of all is the person who is so void of emotion and so detached that they cannot admit when they have faltered and are unable to be a real friend and own up to their wrongdoings. I was raised right, with a good head on my shoulders, a solid conscience and a big heart and know that when I hurt someone, intentionally or by accident, it is my responsibility to own up to my bad behavior and give someone the satisfaction of knowing why I did what I did. Even if there is no good reason.

We are all humans capable of making bad decisions and likely to act in ways that hurt other human beings, even when we do not have bad intentions. A true good, kind soul is one that is capable of listening to other people and is receptive to the feedback they get about how their actions and choices have affected others. We are not always going to like or appreciate what we hear, but there is really no other way to grow and become better if we cannot hear criticism and feedback. No one is perfect and only a fool, in my opinion, thinks they have nothing left to learn and are flawless.

Here is a quick story. My friend went through a situation that really bothers me. She was dating a guy who swept her off her feet. He seemed completely charming, hitting it off right away, having a juicy two hour make out session on their first date, and getting in deep within a matter of weeks. As she described their relationship it seemed as if they were both really into each other, spending a lot of time with one another after work and on the weekends when he was free or she was not committed to other plans. They seemed to really enjoy the company of one another, and she seemed to give in to opening up and trusting in him. She sat in tears and explained that out of nowhere he suddenly pulled away, distancing himself, no longer spending as much time with her, barely showing sexual interest, which left her feeling undesirable and unattractive. She said that she had no idea what she had done wrong and could not understand that even with all the similarities they shared in the way they thought and their likes and dislikes, she was still not enough and he pulled away. She repeated over and over again, "how could he do this to me?"

It was really heartbreaking to think about someone doing such a thing and giving no explanation, but the worst was not the fact that he retracted his feelings and lacked closeness so abruptly. It was his callousness in response when she reached out again with her emotions on her sleeve. It was as if he had no concern for the affect he had on her and the weight of his actions. It was as if she were completely disposable and not worthy of his respect. I wanted so badly to tell my friend that she was wasting her time investing in a man so broken and in desperate need of personal growth and work on his own lost soul. It wasn't actually something she had done wrong. Perhaps she was simply not physically attractive to him. That was definitely not something she wanted to hear, but still it was a possibility.

Regardless of the million "whys" we tossed back and forth, the only part worth focusing on was the fact that the man she pursued was broken and incapable of accepting his role in hurting her and unable to face the affects of his actions. He was devastated from a divorce that left him feeling inconsequential and abandoned and yet he was so blinded to what was the real reason his wife had left. He had never actually been able to look within and examine himself, seeing past ego and this unrealistic defensive viewpoint that he was not in need of any personal change. It was all a rouse and a front to hide his anxiousness and feelings of inferiority and loneliness.

My friend knew all along that he was not right for her. That she was in fact healthier mentally and more capable of having a successful, loving relationship. She knew that she deserved a partner that would rub her neck when she was sore or give her advice and really be there when she needed hug and words of encouragement. He was not that because he couldn't see past his own life and his own needs. He was far too selfish to give her what she deserved and she was far too good for him. For that type of relationship.

I hate seeing people hurting and I too will make a million excuses for someone if I want things to work out, but something I can learn from this example is not to waste my time on those who are too self absorbed to be really connected and true to others they care about. We should not lower our expectations to accommodate those who are unwilling to do so for us.

As she explained how heartbroken and embarrassed she was for pursing a man who made such little effort to care and love her back, I felt bad for the man because he was so blinded by his own failures and pain that he threw away a chance to be with such a beautiful person. He was so stuck on the failure of his marriage and the drama in his own life that he was unable to see that a beautiful, smart, funny, kind, gentle, dedicated woman was there trying to do nothing other than love him.

It makes me sad that so many people in this world are overly focused on all the bad things that have happened to them, failed marriages, lack of employment, feeling sorry for ourselves instead or recognizing the good that is right in front of them, ultimately throwing away a truly good relationship for their own sorrows. Some people really seem to want to stay miserable.

I feel bad for those feeling like my friend and wish that I could either change the way people think or help people to move on without feeling pain. Life is so difficult with so many layers like a bitter onion. All we can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep our eyes open and focused on the potential for good and true love within our lives. No one ever said life is going to be easy. Its just about surviving the scrapes and burns we get along the way. 

Exhausted and Contemplative

I have typed and erased this opening sentence five times. I don’t know how to start this one. I have way too many things bouncing around in my head and a very sensitive heart at the moment. Nothing is clear and free flowing. Everything is jumbled, blurry, emotional, frustrating. 

I came across the quote pictured here on the right on Facebook yesterday. It is a concept we all know but forget often. I let interactions with others and failed expectations dictate my emotional state. I forget to show myself love for who I am and respect to not let people treat me poorly. I turn a blind eye to things and make excuses for people who do not give me the time and attention I deserve.

Life is so transitional for me these days and the constant work on my outlook, insecurities, fears, history, situations and relationships is difficult and exhausting. I am unsettled and unbalanced, but I am not stagnant. I am working at finding happiness, not letting my anxiety become a permanent excuse and disability. I am struggling, over emotional, worried, and at times pessimistic, but I am really trying to pull myself out of it all and gain a stronger, healthier and positive perspective. I want to be better. I want to be loved and get the attention I really deserve. I want to be able to love back.

After a very hurtful and upsetting afternoon yesterday, I was left exhausted and contemplative. I thought about what I really deserve. I deserve love. True, non-judgmental, unanticipated love that is natural and not something I have to fight for. Straight from the heart, without question, loyal and compassionate with only the best intentions. I deserve respect, shown in ways of caring about the struggles I am facing, support throughout a process, faith that I will make a good choice, and trust that I will not hurt or let you down. I also deserve companionship. True companionship can only blossom out of strong communication. Companionship is more than just having fun with another person. It is anticipation of someone’s needs without them having to ask for something. It is being by their side when they get an award, go to an event, take a leap that scares the fuck out of them or a million other things that take place in their life that involves change or growth. It is calling them in the morning to tell them you miss their voice, or saying good night because you want to show you care. It is making time for them because you want to and because you want to make them aware that you are there. Companionship is more than just laughter and joking around. It is deeper than that.  

What do you deserve?

This past weekend someone asked me what my five year plan was. The question has really left me upset. Partly because knowing everything going on in my life and all the pain and transition I am working though, the question shouldn’t have been asked. But mostly because right now I am trying to make it one day at a time. I am starting over and working through a lot of change and I am trying to focus on the light very far off in the distance. I am working towards trusting and loving again and being more definite about what I want. I am working on family issues and anxieties that I do not want to dictate my life. I thought I had a five year plan five years ago, which did not include being divorced by 32, starting over financially, living in a tiny apartment and childless with practically no family. This was NOT my five year plan and just goes to show that making those types of plans isn’t worth anything.

We never know where we will be. We never know who we will meet and who we will fall in love with or who we will wish would love us back. We never know what friendships will fizzle out or stand the test of time. We have no way of knowing any of it. I hate the unknown, but not knowing any of this is out of my control. I am going to love hard, live hard, trust and be trusted, keeping those in my life who are truly deserving and living a positive and happy life. Life lesson for this week is love and respect yourself the way you want others to treat you.

"Everything Sucks, Some of the Time"

My friend posted a link on Facebook to an article by Mark Manson, blogger and former professional dating coach for men. Since 2013 Mark Manson has written about gender relations, life purpose, ambition and motivation, cultural issues, personal happiness, etc. The link posted by my friend today was focused on life purpose, titled 7 Strange Questions That Help You Find Your Life Purpose which you can read here: http://markmanson.net/life-purpose.

Manson brings up an interesting topic and something that is often on my mind. What are were here to do? Do we have a purpose? It’s such a difficult question to answer, and impossible to answer with any certainty. According to Manson, there are seven questions we should be asking ourselves in order to figure out the purpose of our existence.

Something he mentions in the first question is very true. “Everything sucks, some of the time.” This is not to say that there is something necessarily negative to every job or situation we are involved in throughout our lives, but rather there are difficulties and challenges with everything we do. There are parts of our jobs we are not going to be thrilled about or excited to perform. There are moments we will experience that are less pleasant or even painful to handle, but they are just momentary and pass. And the joy we once experience will return. I look at this and think that it is very liberating to accept that this is just fact and then move forward to finding the job or project that makes you the most happy. I know so many people who are good a myriad of things and have varying strengths and weaknesses professionally. They seem to always be searching for the “perfect job” where they will be continuously fulfilled, never bored, and have just the right amount of growth opportunities. I don’t think that exists. I do not think that there will ever be the “perfect” anything out there, be it a job, friendship, marriage, boyfriend, girlfriend, parental relationship, etc. Perfect, along with the word should, needs to be wiped out of the dictionary. They are units of measure that are simply impossibility that set us up for failure and self-judgment.

Another part of Manson’s article that struck a chord with me was remembering the things we loved as children that made us forget about the rest of the world around us. I recall being a child and sitting at my little desk in my room drawing pictures and painting for hours. I would completely lose track of time and be engrossed in my picture of a bouquet of flowers or a horse running in a field. I would follow the lines of my pencil on my paper and disappear into my own imagination, and nothing else would matter. I haven’t felt a passion for a hobby or had the ability to detach and do something I truly love with the same amount of spirit in years. I have forgotten how to love something that much with such strong passion. I think as adults we all have lost this spirit and it is so important to find it again and feel a connection to something besides overworking, watching television and sleeping, which seem to be the main activities people my age participate in with regularity these days.

Manson’s last two questions, if you had to leave the house all day, every day, where would you go and what would you do? and if you knew you were going to die one year from today, what would you do and how would you want to be remembered? I believe are the most important questions we should ask ourselves. Personally, if I was forced to leave my house every day and not go to some coffee shop to waste my time Facebook stalking and compulsively checking the news feed, I would go hiking and volunteer my time at several animal shelters I’ve worked with in the past. For me, this goes hand in hand with the last question. The legacy I’d like to leave is that I did my part to help others, especially animals who are voiceless and cannot stand up for themselves when they are neglected, abused, or uncared for. 

If I were to die within a year of today I would like to be remembered for loving the life I lived, even with the pain and loss I’ve suffered, for experiencing life and trying new things, being brave and adventurous, and having a kind, nurturing spirit. I would spend my time hiking, appreciating the stability of the hardened soil beneath my feet, the oxygen in my lungs from the trees around me and the warmth on my back from the sun above. I would spend my time giving back to those who cannot help themselves and leave a mark on the earth that I made a difference, even if it were only to a few.

I have had one hell of a year, with so much change and WAY too many tears shed. I have a very intense therapy session to attend tonight that scares me when I think about what I will uncover, but it also motivates me to really dig deep into what this article says and the life I am living versus the life I want to have. I am trying this new thing called thinking positively, and in doing so I am looking at my life from here on out as a fresh start. A new time to reinvent myself and rediscover the things I am passionate about. It is my time to build my friendships and find love and happiness and someone out there who compliments my attributes and shares the same goals. It is my time to work hard and grow professionally, take risks and build confidence. Yes, there has been a tremendous amount of loss, but there are also great things coming up on the horizon. Everything sucks, some of the time. It is true and accepting that is half the battle.

L’Chaim.

Therapy and Asking for Care

 

 Last night I started therapy. I have come to a point following all the recent changes in my life within the past year where I can no longer avoid dealing with my feelings. I have known for a long time that ignoring the real issues that make me feel anxious or depressed is not a good coping mechanism. Last weekend, feeling as low as I did, was a wake up call that I really need to learn the healthy way to process my emotions.

After going through a history of my childhood, family, relationships, friendships, fears and so on, we discussed the practice of mindfulness; accepting and focusing ones attention on the emotions, thoughts and sensations at the present moment. My therapist asked me how the thought of practicing mindfulness made me feel, and my answer was “uncomfortable.” The idea that I should accept and focus my attention on how I feel when I am anxious makes me cringe. It sounds torturous to intentionally feel pain and not do something to block it out. But I realize, with time will come acceptance and understanding that it is okay to feel as I am feeling and will ultimately help me process the emotions in a healthy way. I left last night feeling both excited for the therapeutic process to begin and fearful of what I will uncover.

There is a big part of me that feels like I am alone on this journey, and that no one really knows what I feel or what thoughts run through my mind. I have always been the one to give out advice and care, there for people anticipating that they may feel sad or afraid or just need my attention, and I feel like I rarely get it back. I know a lot of this is because I shut people out and never say to anyone, “hey, I need you to be more present” or “I need you to ask me more often how I’m doing and check in,” but doesn’t that seem completely selfish to ask? And doesn’t that also mean that if I have to ask and it is not someone’s natural inclination to want to be involved, that it means they do not care?

I feel like I have been doing life wrong for a long time. I feel like I’ve been a chameleon since I was a child, doing things that make others happy; being the daughter that would make my mother proud; the friend that everyone looked up to; the wife that took care of everything. What has really happened is I have lost my own identity in the process over the years, and now I am learning all over again who I really am.

Patience is something I really need to work on. I have typically wanted instant gratification and immediate answers. I want career advancement right away and whatever hobby I get involved in I feel as if I have to master it. When my ex and I started dating we moved in together after only three months and were practically a married couple within the first year. I have always been this “all or nothing” extreme version of myself and it is time to slow down. It is time to take it slow, enjoy the adventure, enjoy the company, let life happen just a little bit more and allow myself the time it takes to really deal with the emotions I am feeling. It is time to really recognize that things that have taken 31 years to develop will not be resolved overnight.

Following my session I sat at home going over things discussed and realized that one of the reasons I lack patience is fear. I am scared to take things slow because I am afraid I will be forgotten. I am afraid of not being a priority, afraid of missed opportunities, afraid of being insignificant. I am afraid that I will start to feel happy, closeness, enjoyment, care, love, and a million other emotions that I really like to feel and then will lose all of that. I need to change my way of thinking and realize that taking things slow does not mean that they are not important; that I am not important. It isn’t a bad thing to be careful.  

I know that this therapy process, as painful and difficult as it may be, is ultimately going to be the best thing that I could have done for myself. Today, at the present moment, I accept that I am feeling slightly anxious and worried, and recognize where those emotions are coming from.