So Sorry

I am so glad it's Friday! I am literally 1 week in to school and already realizing that it's going to be a lot harder than I thought. I honestly don't know what I expected. But like friends have said, maybe I just need to get back into the swing of things again. After all, it has been like a decade since I've really had to study!

Maybe it was a result of lack of sleep for several days or stress from a non-stop schedule, but I was in a terrible mood today. I hate when it shows, especially at work. It's not a good trait and not something that belongs in the workplace. But sometimes it's hard to hide or pretend you aren't feeling. Bottom line - this week I felt overlooked by some people in a few aspects of my life and it caught up to me when time escaped me and I forgot to eat before hitting my breaking point. 

One of my pet peeves is being interrupted. It's fucking rude and makes me feel small and inconsequential. It especially pisses me off when it's someone I respect or look up to. It happened Tuesday twice - blatant disregard for someone I was in mid conversation with, their attention diverted to the interrupter. It happened a few other times yesterday. Just not my week for understanding towards this shit. 

Yesterday I pulled an 18 hour day. Awake for that long turns me into one crazy bitch. I need to focus on time management skills and find my inner chi! Goozfrabah!

There is also something bothering me deep down in my heart. I feel guilty. I stopped talking to my dads mother after my wedding. It was a choice I made because of a long, painful history of verbal abuse and other family drama. I saw her briefly almost three years ago when her husband, my step grandpa, passed away. But I have not seen her until this past weekend and it was under unfortunate circumstances. 

She suffered a decent size stroke at the age of 96 and already had progressive dementia. Now she has no clue who I am, has cognitive issues, doesn't know where she is or who has visited her most of the time. She is confused, agitated, frustrated, and just not there. My heart hurts so much because I was too stubborn to swallow my pride and make amends when she was coherent. Now she will never know that I loved the good parts of our relationship; that I cherish the happy memories with her. That I miss her and love her very much.

I am sorry for being such a bitch today and for having little patience. Tomorrow is a new day and a time for renewed confidence and inner strength. Cheers to a weekend long at last!

Showing Some Skin

Here I am day number two bustin my ass killing it on the elliptical to some Katy Perry Dark Horse... in a freakin tank top! To most this is not an accomplishment, but to me it is a giant deal. I hate my arms and have been in tattoo cover up for work for so long I have developed an insecurity for showing some skin. I have been thinking negatively for quite some time now that my arms are too far, too pale, to tattooed for public visual consumption. 

Stupid, I know. But it is what it is, until today. I feel good! I've been working out hard, especially on my arms, and I'm not going to hide anymore. Sure they are a bit looser than I would like and the are covered in tattoos. But that is who I am.

2014 is about me and accepting who I am, where I'm at, and being proud of that or working on things until I am happy. It starts here at a new gym, with the right people cheering in my corner. 

In thinking about changes I started to notice a trend reoccurring. It's hard to put into words what this tend is, so I'll give you an example. Last night I watched a movie that referenced  someone being a "book maker." I had to ask to find out that this is a bookie. Today I went to a long two hour meeting with several educated, very intimidating professionals and low and behold someone referenced "book making!" It may be small, but this is just one example out of many "coincidences" that just don't seem so coincidental anymore. I think they are subtle reassurances that  I'm in the right place at the right time in my life. That things are as they should be. 

In the prolific words of Katy Perry, "Are You Ready For A Perfect Storm?" Cause I'm coming for you world!