Getting Through It

I keep trying to talk myself out of negative thinking, and so far it's not going so well. I just have to say it. I feel like I'm an after thought; useless; isolated; always pushed to the back burner. I know it's petty and immature to feel like this, so maybe saying it loud and clear will be the beginning of the end to feeling these stupid feelings. 

Things are extremely busy in every aspect of my life and time is passing by way too quickly. Is living life really all about bouncing from one thing to the next, playing a constant game of catch up and try to survive? It hardly seems like living to me. 

I recognize a major issue leading to why I feel this way today; actually this whole week. I take things way too personal. I internalize everything and probably feel much stronger than most about pretty much everything. I am starting to think that I put more care and emphasis on things than others, and have too high of expectations from people. I care a lot and I think it is to my detriment. 

Here I am siting at Starbucks on my lunch break blogging and trying to just catch my breath. I feel off - nothing seems right and combine that with feeling put off and now all I want to do is go home, crawl under the covers and sleep the day away. 

I am most likely just throwing a juvenile tantrum because things aren't "fun" right now. Life is throwing serious lemons at me right now and there is a lot to deal with. I am trying my hardest to power through it with a smile on my face and I'm not always able to do it gracefully. 

It is stupid but it's true - things are better when they are light hearted, silly, relaxed, in sync, etc. I know there will not always be days like this, but I just wish there were more good days than bad. I wish there was more laughter than frustration or angry faces. I wish life was a little less serious more often. 

It is all about perspective and I'm trying to keep in mind that this is just a day - one Friday out of many more to follow that will be both good and bad. I'll get through it just like I did the one before it and will do so over and over again in the future... Because that is what living life is about; getting through it and over it and moving on. Right? 

Happy Day - The Best Kinda Day

Getting in a quick blog before meeting a friend for dinner. There is something so nice about ending the day with a good laugh to make your work day feel in sync and eventful. It's like despite things being a chaotic shit show, everything at the moment worked smoothly and felt right. A little laughter and silly humor goes a long way. 

I am really looking forward to dinner with my friend. It's been a while since we've hung out and it's been a while since I've been out. 

I got into a conversation today accountability and being for the choices we make. I have, for better or worse, made the choices I have and must live with the outcome or make changes. It's comforting to know that there are other people in the same boat; that it's not just me dealing with a complicated life.

I am constantly tossing this question around in my mind: is life really about moving from one situation to another trying to stay afloat, getting over one hurdle to have things enjoyable for only a brief moment before reaching the next challenge? Is that really living a happy life? 

This year has quickly become the year for change. I am going to work hard to fix that which I feel is broken or reconfigure what I see needs tweaking. Life is so short, I feel like I might as well enjoy the ride even if it is a momentary trip to the next challenge. 

Today was a positive day, one could even say a fun day. All things must really happen for a reason. 

So Sorry

I am so glad it's Friday! I am literally 1 week in to school and already realizing that it's going to be a lot harder than I thought. I honestly don't know what I expected. But like friends have said, maybe I just need to get back into the swing of things again. After all, it has been like a decade since I've really had to study!

Maybe it was a result of lack of sleep for several days or stress from a non-stop schedule, but I was in a terrible mood today. I hate when it shows, especially at work. It's not a good trait and not something that belongs in the workplace. But sometimes it's hard to hide or pretend you aren't feeling. Bottom line - this week I felt overlooked by some people in a few aspects of my life and it caught up to me when time escaped me and I forgot to eat before hitting my breaking point. 

One of my pet peeves is being interrupted. It's fucking rude and makes me feel small and inconsequential. It especially pisses me off when it's someone I respect or look up to. It happened Tuesday twice - blatant disregard for someone I was in mid conversation with, their attention diverted to the interrupter. It happened a few other times yesterday. Just not my week for understanding towards this shit. 

Yesterday I pulled an 18 hour day. Awake for that long turns me into one crazy bitch. I need to focus on time management skills and find my inner chi! Goozfrabah!

There is also something bothering me deep down in my heart. I feel guilty. I stopped talking to my dads mother after my wedding. It was a choice I made because of a long, painful history of verbal abuse and other family drama. I saw her briefly almost three years ago when her husband, my step grandpa, passed away. But I have not seen her until this past weekend and it was under unfortunate circumstances. 

She suffered a decent size stroke at the age of 96 and already had progressive dementia. Now she has no clue who I am, has cognitive issues, doesn't know where she is or who has visited her most of the time. She is confused, agitated, frustrated, and just not there. My heart hurts so much because I was too stubborn to swallow my pride and make amends when she was coherent. Now she will never know that I loved the good parts of our relationship; that I cherish the happy memories with her. That I miss her and love her very much.

I am sorry for being such a bitch today and for having little patience. Tomorrow is a new day and a time for renewed confidence and inner strength. Cheers to a weekend long at last!

It Found Me

I had a dream last night that centered around the theme of self reflection. I had to come to terms with parts of my personality that I consider flawed and had to make a difficult decision. The dream came out of nowhere but has left me thinking about the concept of obligation.

I have to go to a baby shower today completely out of obligation. I am not friends with the mother-to-be any longer; quite frankly I have not been a friend to her for years. My husband's close friends are friends with the father-to-be and so we are obligated to attend. But why? Why do I feel such a sense of obligation? 

I go to events or spend time with people a lot of the time out of obligation, but is that doing either of us any good? I don't know if I want to be with someone if they are only spending time with me because they feel they have to...

I am not perfect; not even close. I'm just a person working out the kinks. I don't have a perfect marriage, I don't have a perfect home; I don't have children; I don't have flawless looks. I am a crazy, silly, passionate person working on myself constantly, telling jokes the whole time.

I faced the reality that I am too hard on myself in my dream last night. I examined my irrational need to fix the situation and provide advice even when it isn't requested. I acknowledged my struggle for perfection and my bad habits. I came clean and bared my soul and woke up with calming tranquility. It was nice. 

I am even more so reassured that no matter what decision I make I will end up okay. There is nothing in my life I cannot get past and I will never let myself fall so far down that I cannot get back up.

In my dream I was able to get back up with the support of some loving souls who I know are genuine and have only the best thoughts for me in their hearts. Life is tricky and difficult these days in many areas, but I can't just stop moving forward. My dream confirmed that for me.

One of my fears is seeing someone I haven't seen in years and having them tell me I haven't changed at all. I believe firmly in change and personal development and refuse to be stagnant. 

With all this fresh in my train of thought I got my big ass up and headed to the gym. I didn't find my motivation today, it found me. I am working out for those I care about, for those working hard to better their lives, for the people who can't, and for a better life for myself. The only obligation I should have is to live a good life. 

Sensitive Flower

It's really frustrating when you end up on the crossfire of someones bad mood. When you end up bearing the brunt of their attitude. I am the first to admit that I've done this to many innocent victims.

My natural inclination is to think everything is personal; that if someone is not overly chatty then I must have done something wrong; that if someone snaps at me or has an elevated tone it must be a result of something I did. I'm fucking sensitive!

That's why I hate being snapped at. I don't know what to do with someone in this situation and instantly get a flush, nervous feeling and a fast heartbeat. My blood pressure spikes and my mind goes into overdrive. I feel like crying and don't know what to do to make it better. I feel like a kid at a core level who just wants to say "I'm sorry, please don't hate me" so things go back to normal.

And what if someone was already stressed out and thus overly sensitive as a result and it was something I said that triggered the bad mood and angry reaction? How do you come back from that? I'm just left feeling like a complete ass hat and have to wait it out. 

I wish people communicated more openly, myself included. I wish people were open to say something like "hey, I'm in a bad mood" or "excuse my distance, I'm under a lot of pressure right now." Maybe even a little confirmation like "it's not you or anything you did, it's something I'm going through right now." 

I try to be open with the people I'm closest to and make an effort to be forthcoming with my mood and aware of how it affects them. I really try to vocalize when I'm struggling and although it is hard, I try to admit that I'm in a bad head space and that I don't mean to take it out on others.

The most amazing thing is that once I admit I'm having a hard time it's almost like that is a form of acceptance and my mood shifts. It's just the coming to terms with it that makes it a little bit better and less of a big deal. 

We all have struggles, believe me where I am at right now is no walk in the freakin park. Trying to build a business, a family, make an imprint in my career, save money, and survive is not a short order and gets me down. I can't take it out on others and have to be more aware of how my attitude affects others around me. 

At the end of the day I realize it is not a perfect world and not everyone is comfortable with their shortcomings and can admit when they are gruff or having a hard time. Not everyone is open about their feelings and how they affect others. I can only worry about me and how I react to them. I'm a sensitive flower building a stronger stem.