Trust the Process

There seems to be so many rules to life. It's hard to know if you're doing the right thing. It's especially difficult if you're really good to and for someone and seem to have a genuine connection, but for whatever reason there is hesitation on their part.

Last week it seemed like a good portion of my friends were having relationship issues. Life is hard, especially lately. Some seemed extremely satisfied in their relationships and then they ended abruptly. Some are existing in an unhealthy way. It appears like compatibility is hard to find and it baffles me that once people do find that rare connection, they sabotage it or slow it down. Maybe they know something I don't. Maybe it's just fear.

My parents in love on vacation

 I have the template of my parents perfect fairytale love story, what has really set me up for a hard time. My father had a history class with my mother at USC and it was love at first sight for him. However, never having a girlfriend and unsure of what to do, he did nothing but admire her from a distance. Not pursuing her out of fear, my father's acquaintance decided he needed to start dating. She set him up on a blind date with her roommate. I'm sure you can see where this is going. My father put on his best chocolate brown suit (this was clearly the 70's) and with a bouquet of carnations in hand, went to pick up his blind date. He knocked on the door and to his shock my mother, his history class crush, answered the door. Yes, my mom was his blind date. It was 100% meant to be. For 25 years they worked together; my father a family law attorney and my mother, his paralegal.

So you see how warped my sense of relationship is? I grew up believing in magical situations of destiny and true love and am finding it so very different in reality. It's not perfect, that is rare.

But I do believe that there has to be a balance. Yes, life is hard and we all have baggage and struggle, emotional, physical, situational. We all deal with issues and pain. But what is so wrong with getting close, committing to one another, moving into a relationship and giving in to the possibility of being loved? I don't think there is anything wrong if you keep hold of your own sense of self. There is nothing wrong with having someone by your side while you go through a struggle.

If you are lucky enough to find someone who you trust, who you share personal beliefs with, who makes you feel calm and safe, who helps you grow and challenges you, then keep them close. Hold on to them and give in to building a relationship. Don't push them away and keep them at a convenient distance. Don't give up because you're scared. We are all scared.

And this is coming from a woman going through a divorce! I can't believe that I should close myself off to feeling love again just because it didn't work the first time. 

At the end of the day, to my friends who are having a hard time right now, it is momentary. Trust me. Crying won't always be your hobby. The quiet will get less noisy, I promise. I'm going through it and I'm allowing myself the ability to process and feel. 

This weekend was a wake up call for me. I did an incredible amount of soul searching and analyzing. Combined with getting my thyroid prescription at the right dose, I feel a clarity I haven't felt in a few months. I am stronger than I think and so are you. I recognize what I'm worth and what I deserve from a partner and will not settle for less. I know I am good to those I care about and will not shortchange myself. 

Be brave. Be bold. Love and let someone in. If you are lucky enough to have someone in your life that connects on a deeper level and really sees you for who you are, keep them close and take a chance. Trust the process. 

Anxious Voice

No TV. No Internet. Nothing but time to think. And feel. Boy have I done a lot of that this week!

Today it all came to a head. Fear and an overwhelming flood of feelings. Exhaustion from going through the motions. Frustration and sadness from people not being available when I really needed them to be. Sadness from feeling like an afterthought. Isolation from a new geographic location. Instability from a lack of a routine. It all hit me. Hard. Like a ton of fucking bricks. 

I am proud of myself for addressing it and taking ownership of what I need and what I feel. I am really good at avoiding difficult conversations that have the likelihood of turning into a confrontation. I didn't do that. I held in tears, took a deep breath, and spoke my mind. And it was well received. I survived unscathed. I was allowed to say my piece and was given complete attention. And ultimately I was heard and cared for. It is refreshing to have such healthy communication. 

It's as if something is in the air, perhaps it was the recent eclipse. Some how alignment is off and everyone is going through a difficult time. I have thought a lot about what we do as humans to cope with difficulty. Some, like myself, write it out. Others fester in it until it disappears. Others ignore it and immerse themselves in hobbies. Others let it bring them down and stop them from any other enjoyment.  As all of you have read, I've been definitely going through a hard time. I'm having seriously debilitating anxiety that is continuous. I am depressed after sundown when the world quiets down and I am alone with my thoughts. I am scared and shook up and really need love. I just can't let that keep me from what I care about or from moving forward. Life is too damn short to waste it moping around in isolation. Of course I need to feel the feelings to address them and heal my wounds, but I choose to do that with those around me that I love. I need to vocalize my needs and be a bit selfish at the moment. I need to be loved and helped and let people in to give that to me. I need to stop acting like I'm always okay and nothing bothers me. There are things that bother me and things I need just like the next person. We all have that. 

Right now I am sitting in my reading chair reflecting on this long and very disappointing weekend and am glad it's over. I am glad things will go back to a routine. I am also glad I had these feelings and am going through this emotional journey because I'm finally addressing a lot that I have long kept bottled up and stored deep inside me. I am glad I am respected and cared for and am encouraged to talk and share. I am glad I am enjoyed for who I am and embraced. 

Here's to a week that will hopefully be much better. That will be happier, more positive, and hopefully less anxious. But if it isn't, I know I found my voice to say how I feel and I know I have those around me who are willing and ready to listen.