Today it all came to a head. Fear and an overwhelming flood of feelings. Exhaustion from going through the motions. Frustration and sadness from people not being available when I really needed them to be. Sadness from feeling like an afterthought. Isolation from a new geographic location. Instability from a lack of a routine. It all hit me. Hard. Like a ton of fucking bricks.
I am proud of myself for addressing it and taking ownership of what I need and what I feel. I am really good at avoiding difficult conversations that have the likelihood of turning into a confrontation. I didn't do that. I held in tears, took a deep breath, and spoke my mind. And it was well received. I survived unscathed. I was allowed to say my piece and was given complete attention. And ultimately I was heard and cared for. It is refreshing to have such healthy communication.
It's as if something is in the air, perhaps it was the recent eclipse. Some how alignment is off and everyone is going through a difficult time. I have thought a lot about what we do as humans to cope with difficulty. Some, like myself, write it out. Others fester in it until it disappears. Others ignore it and immerse themselves in hobbies. Others let it bring them down and stop them from any other enjoyment. As all of you have read, I've been definitely going through a hard time. I'm having seriously debilitating anxiety that is continuous. I am depressed after sundown when the world quiets down and I am alone with my thoughts. I am scared and shook up and really need love. I just can't let that keep me from what I care about or from moving forward. Life is too damn short to waste it moping around in isolation. Of course I need to feel the feelings to address them and heal my wounds, but I choose to do that with those around me that I love. I need to vocalize my needs and be a bit selfish at the moment. I need to be loved and helped and let people in to give that to me. I need to stop acting like I'm always okay and nothing bothers me. There are things that bother me and things I need just like the next person. We all have that.
Right now I am sitting in my reading chair reflecting on this long and very disappointing weekend and am glad it's over. I am glad things will go back to a routine. I am also glad I had these feelings and am going through this emotional journey because I'm finally addressing a lot that I have long kept bottled up and stored deep inside me. I am glad I am respected and cared for and am encouraged to talk and share. I am glad I am enjoyed for who I am and embraced.
Here's to a week that will hopefully be much better. That will be happier, more positive, and hopefully less anxious. But if it isn't, I know I found my voice to say how I feel and I know I have those around me who are willing and ready to listen.
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