Finding the Routine

It is hard to believe its been almost 3 months since I wrote a new blog. School last semester really kicked my ass, as well as a large conference I was coordinating from 3000 miles away. Oh and did I mention I also worked about 50 hours a week on top of that at a really demanding job in a state of transition? Not to sound like a bitchy excuse maker, but suffice it to say I was completely overwhelmed.

So - I'm back. School starts up again soon so I can't guarantee I'll be posting that often, but I promise to try to post with as much regularity as I possibly can.

Life has definitely been more positive than the past few months, which may also be part of the reason for the lack of new posts. It's so much easier to write when in a foul mood or upset and processing some dark emotion. I always feel like an idiot writing about happy times. I don't want to sound like someone rubbing it in saying, "I am just so happy... blah blah blah." That to me sounds like an attention seeker farting rainbows and gumdrops on everyone's not so perfect life. Not my style.

But I also don't want to be the Debbie Downer naysayer who is a chronic complainer. So let's just call it a fifty fifty past few months. There have been some bumps in the road, but overall its been a great few months.

Something I am struggling with right now with all this down time from work is the concept of trust. Its so hard for me to really let my guard down and expose the vulnerability or real emotion I typically keep bottled up in a deep, hidden space in my heart. I feel like trusting people and really letting them in, more often than not, equals me getting hurt. And who the fuck wants to get hurt?!?

But I am not going to build a healthy relationship by shutting down and closing myself off or distrusting. I have to learn to believe it when I am told I am loved and accepted. I have to love myself. I have to accept that there will always be the potential to get hurt no matter how much I try to protect myself, and at the end of the day it doesn't make it easier by keeping those I love at a distance, it actually makes things more difficult.

In being almost a year out on my own I've learned a lot about living alone and doing things for myself. I've come to realize that even while I had a partner there physically, I was actually alone more than I realized. I still struggle to find motivation to go to dinners alone, and have a hard time at night when my tiny apartment is still and dark. I find it difficult to grocery shop for 1 and hate not having a snuggle companion to curl up with and watch TV or even just sit in silence to enjoy each others company.

But I know that as the time passes it does get easier and a new routine is established. I look at it similar to when I quit smoking. I was a pack a day cigarette smoker. Parliament Lights 100's baby. I guess since they were the extra long smokes you could say I actually smoked a pack and a half. I dedicated my time to habitually smoking for over 10 years, and have been proudly smoke free for 5. It was so hard to quit. I wasn't just giving up the one act of lighting and inhaling a cigarette, but rather a lifestyle and all the activities that I enjoyed that coupled well with smoking. I used to wake up and have a hot cup of coffee on my porch with a smoke. I used to love to smoke at sunset at the beach. I always enjoyed a cigarette after a satisfying meal. Take out the smoking from those moments and I felt like I had nothing. So I stopped all of it. I stopped sitting on my porch all together. I hardly went to the beach at sunset, until last year. It took time and patience and acceptance that things had changed before I could establish new, healthier routines. And you know what, I eventually did it. I am still smoke free and now enjoy the beach. I love a good meal and feel satisfied without a smoke after I am done. I sit outside on the deck often and taken in the sweet smells of the nature surrounding me, rather than the stench of a smoke stick.

In time I have started to establish new patterns and routines for myself, and I tell anyone going through or about to go through a divorce the following... IT DOES GET EASIER IF YOU WANT IT TO AND YOU WORK AT IT. It is a daily struggle, but you MUST NOT give up. YOU MUST look deeper within EVERY situation in order to push yourself to accepting the things that you cannot change and finding the courage to change the things you can.

I have opened my mind to a lot of things and have opened my heart to love. I am free of so many things that caused me pain and ready and willing to shed the skin of insecurity and fear and reveal all of who I am, vulnerable and raw, real and emotional.

To life I say bring it on. To you, if you are struggling, I say you are loved and you are strong and one day those giant mountains of pain become smaller rolling hills and eventually become so minor you don't event realize you're on a journey. Live life, power through it, enjoy the moments in between, and never look back. Follow the beat of your heart and the instinct in your gut.

The Power of Achievement

This weekend was fantastic. It was filled with a lot of relaxation and downtime, which I would typically think, based on previous weekends like this, would be depressing with all the quiet. However, it was actually liberating and thought provoking.

I had a lot of time to think about where I am in my life, who I have become and want to be, who I want to be with, and what I want out of my life. Not knowing how much time we all have on this earth in this life, I have always believe that it is very important to live life in a true nature, as happy and fulfilling as possible.

I feel like I've lost track of living like this and have been so wrapped up in focusing on what I've lost or has been taken from me. I have focused recently so much on the anxiety and sadness from being ignored or not cared for the way I deserve, and I've lost sight of what I should have been fighting for. I forgot that I'm important and deserving.

I got a ton of sleep and had a lot of quiet time to reflect on my post from the other day which asked the question, what do I deserve? I had time to think about my past and the aspects of my life that I would have changed. Life has been anything but easy for me and while I've had successes and achievements to get me where I am today, there are things I have experienced that I wish I could erase from my story.

The quiet of this weekend helped me find my voice and decipher what I really want from people as well as myself. I want to be successful in all aspects of my life; professionally at the top in my industry and personally in a relationship that is balanced and loving with an equal partner. I've decided that I want and deserve to be with someone who has genuine concern and shows it,  really wants to share my life and their life with me,  loves me without question, has passion for life and the adventures that come along with it. I want someone who is as fiercely loyal as I am and is also romantic and knows that while I seem very independent, sometimes I'd love a surprise bouquet of roses. Someone who isn't afraid to love.

Professionally, I want to shine. I've spent so much time riddled with anxiety over presentations and not being prepared. It is time for me to gain some confidence in my capabilities and understanding that I am damn good at what I do and have earned where I am.

A good portion of my quiet time this weekend included thinking about sense of accomplishment. This topic has been on my mind since a therapy session a few weeks ago where I was asked about my earliest achievements and couldn't name one until 20 years old. In not recognizing any personal accomplishments as I grew up I have never known a proper way to build confidence and have never seen myself as successful.

My boss reminded me this week that submitting my 50 page portfolio is quite an accomplishment that I should be exceptionally proud of. And truth be told, I really am!  It's hard to take one accomplishment and embrace and celebrate it. For me I am always looking for the next thing to work on. It's important, I'm realizing, to stop and take a moment to appreciate hard work.

I know I can't fix everything in life instantaneously. I know I'll eventually be loved and appreciated the way I want and deserve, the way I give it back. I know I'll grow within my career and rise to the top with time and experience. I know I'll have many more obstacles to get past and as well, many more accomplishments to appreciate.

I'm thankful for the good friends and family in my life while I go through this journey. I am grateful that they have stayed by my side and that I'm not alone.

I consider this weekend a success and time very well spent enjoying the silence, the contemplation and better understanding of the woman I have become and my needs.

Here's hoping for a smooth week at work and a more positive approach to that which I cannot control, those who do not act as I had hoped they would, and obstacles that get in my way.

Thankfulness

Thanksgiving is this Thursday and the closer it gets the more I contemplate the idea of thankfulness and reflect on the past year. Being completely honest, I have really struggled to recognize the things in my life that I am thankful for this past year. I have been completely consumed by all of the change that has taken place and have had a difficult time seeing past my own negativity, self doubt, fears and emotions.

Last night I did a five minute grounding meditation, aware of my body and the tension I store in different places, connecting to the front and back of my body, in tune with the rhythm of my breath. I let my mind wander to all that I want to move past and then beyond that, to all that I am thankful for currently in the present moment. With each deep breath in I thought about something I was working towards, and as I let each breath out, I expelled any worry or fear I have in accomplishing my goal.

Today I am thankful for a second chance. I am thankful for everything that has happened in my life, even the painful moments and tragic losses. As a little girl, I remember laying in my ivory metal trundle bed looking up at the stars peeking through the trees outside my window, thinking about my adult life. I imagined I would be happily married with children of my own, a big brown dog, fun afternoons filled with family outings and home cooked family dinners. I had the idea that I would have a typical traditional lifestyle. My dream did not include losing my dad within three months of a diagnosis of terminal brain cancer at 20 years old or getting divorced at 31 and starting over, with limited savings and a tiny apartment. My dream didn't include losing half of my family after my father passed away due to irreconcilable differences. The vision I had for my future definitely did not include struggling this much.

But today, instead of looking at this struggle and all the pain as a negative thing, I approach it a bit differently. Everything that has happened in my life, for better or worse, has shaped me. The struggle has made me stronger and self sufficient. I have survived and will continue, regardless of how much shit is thrown at me along the way.

This weekend I had a conversation with someone about what we give up when we get into a relationship and losing track of parts of our personality that we used to love. It is unfortunate, but this happens more often than not. Often times we meet someone and fall in love, doing whatever it takes to be with them, even if that means giving up hobbies or parts of our identity that make us who we are. Its a huge sacrifice to make, and not necessarily a good one. I am so thankful for a second chance to be able to rebuild my identity and find the things that make me happy, that I love to be a part of and feel passionate for. I am thankful for being able to start over and choose for me what it is I want to do with my life. In discussing this my friend recalls parts of who he was years ago before getting married that he really enjoyed about himself, yet over time as a sacrifice he made for his relationship, that guy ceased to exist. I can relate to this, as who I am today is a more rigid, mature and focused version of the girl I was when I first started dating my ex. I have lost the spontaneity and creativity that I once had and loved about myself. I was never this much in my own head and feel like I've really lost touch of the things I am passionate about.

Sometimes we need someone in our lives to remind us that we were once happy. To give us that slap in the face wake up call, showing us that we were once a happier person, loving life and finding enjoyment in a great many things. Sometimes we need to close our own eyes and look at our lives through the lens of someone else. I hope my friend can remember what he was told, seeing the great attributes of the man he once was, and is able to get back to the time he was most content. I wish for him and anyone else going through pain the ability to accept these situations for what they are and move past them, finding a new way of living happily, working towards a better future.

To conclude this entry, I have made a list of what I am thankful for this holiday season:

• I am thankful for the ability to start over, alive and healthy, and work towards a good future.
• I am thankful for my family (what is left of it) and my dear friends who have been my lifeline through all this change.
• I am thankful for my job, providing me a decent income to sustain and start over financially
• I am thankful for my health, both physical and mental.
• I am thankful for my emotions, while it may not always be easy to process, I am still able to feel and would rather feel something even pain than feel nothing at all.
• I am thankful for connectivity, being able to find someone who thinks like I do, understands, and appreciates the world in a way similar to myself.
• I am thankful for new beginnings, learning to trust and love again.
• I am thankful for my past, because without it I would not be who I am today.
• I am thankful for my future, and the endless possibilities.
• I am thankful for those who read my writing.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Wishing you the best this holiday season.

Trust the Process

There seems to be so many rules to life. It's hard to know if you're doing the right thing. It's especially difficult if you're really good to and for someone and seem to have a genuine connection, but for whatever reason there is hesitation on their part.

Last week it seemed like a good portion of my friends were having relationship issues. Life is hard, especially lately. Some seemed extremely satisfied in their relationships and then they ended abruptly. Some are existing in an unhealthy way. It appears like compatibility is hard to find and it baffles me that once people do find that rare connection, they sabotage it or slow it down. Maybe they know something I don't. Maybe it's just fear.

My parents in love on vacation

 I have the template of my parents perfect fairytale love story, what has really set me up for a hard time. My father had a history class with my mother at USC and it was love at first sight for him. However, never having a girlfriend and unsure of what to do, he did nothing but admire her from a distance. Not pursuing her out of fear, my father's acquaintance decided he needed to start dating. She set him up on a blind date with her roommate. I'm sure you can see where this is going. My father put on his best chocolate brown suit (this was clearly the 70's) and with a bouquet of carnations in hand, went to pick up his blind date. He knocked on the door and to his shock my mother, his history class crush, answered the door. Yes, my mom was his blind date. It was 100% meant to be. For 25 years they worked together; my father a family law attorney and my mother, his paralegal.

So you see how warped my sense of relationship is? I grew up believing in magical situations of destiny and true love and am finding it so very different in reality. It's not perfect, that is rare.

But I do believe that there has to be a balance. Yes, life is hard and we all have baggage and struggle, emotional, physical, situational. We all deal with issues and pain. But what is so wrong with getting close, committing to one another, moving into a relationship and giving in to the possibility of being loved? I don't think there is anything wrong if you keep hold of your own sense of self. There is nothing wrong with having someone by your side while you go through a struggle.

If you are lucky enough to find someone who you trust, who you share personal beliefs with, who makes you feel calm and safe, who helps you grow and challenges you, then keep them close. Hold on to them and give in to building a relationship. Don't push them away and keep them at a convenient distance. Don't give up because you're scared. We are all scared.

And this is coming from a woman going through a divorce! I can't believe that I should close myself off to feeling love again just because it didn't work the first time. 

At the end of the day, to my friends who are having a hard time right now, it is momentary. Trust me. Crying won't always be your hobby. The quiet will get less noisy, I promise. I'm going through it and I'm allowing myself the ability to process and feel. 

This weekend was a wake up call for me. I did an incredible amount of soul searching and analyzing. Combined with getting my thyroid prescription at the right dose, I feel a clarity I haven't felt in a few months. I am stronger than I think and so are you. I recognize what I'm worth and what I deserve from a partner and will not settle for less. I know I am good to those I care about and will not shortchange myself. 

Be brave. Be bold. Love and let someone in. If you are lucky enough to have someone in your life that connects on a deeper level and really sees you for who you are, keep them close and take a chance. Trust the process. 

All In Good Time

I am all moved in, minus a few miscellaneous items at the old place. I should feel good about being moved in, unpacked, set up. I am very thankful for my friends who have helped me. This process has been difficult and I finally recognize why. The last move in my mind was always temporary. I never got settled in because I knew I wouldn't be there forever. But I never really considered forever at all... I am on my own, for real, and it is permanent. 

I am unpacked mostly with a home set up, thanks to two awesome friends. But I am feeling a great amount of anxiety and to be completely honest, want to be anywhere but here in my new home all alone. I've been asked why I am so open in my blog, and part of it is that it is a therapeutic process. Another part is that maybe there is someone out there struggling in a similar way who needs to know they aren't alone. And lastly, I have read several blogs that lack a realness and don't show the ugly, low, gritty, difficult parts of life. I want to read that. I want to show that. Because it's real and everyone has hardship at some point. I rarely verbalized this to my friends or family, so writing in a blog is safe. I can't see who reads it. I don't know if I'm being judged. But it's real. All me. Out there on the table. 

So how am I feeling? Anxious. Sad. Scared shitless. Because I'm really alone. I'm starting over and it's so damn scary. And I'm not good alone. This place, set up nicely with all my artwork and nicknacks hanging on the walls and books on the shelves, still feels empty. I need to find the warmth to add to it.I need to make it a home. 

I wish I didn't have this anxious pit in my stomach, which I can only describe as similar to a homesickness a kid feels the first few nights at sleep away camp. It's not that I miss my parents, but I miss companionship. I miss normalcy. I miss a stable routine. This home not being a home yet leaves me scared and still and unmotivated. I just keep telling myself it will get better; easier; less of a struggle. I reassure myself that in a day or so I will no longer cry or feel a nagging emptiness. I will find my groove and get back on track. In time. All in good time.

To end things on a more positive note, my cleverly arranged quaint kitchen with its funky shelves and chalk board wall, has inspired me to want to learn how to cook. I want to fill my house with sweet smells of delicious meals. I want to bring joy to a home and into my life.

Criticism is a Bitch

I just wrote an entire blog that got deleted before I could save, so I'll try to get it all down this time around...

Criticism is a bitch! In all forms that it comes. I didn't realize until today how that is the one part of the creative aspect of my job that I dislike. This is not a complaint in anyway, please understand that I'm just making an observation. 

Making an ad from layout to completion is like a piece of art. It's hard to go back and forth, edit after edit, and still have some semblance of self identity in it. It's hard to accept critique of something creative. It's a bit personal. 

It's also funny that as my career progresses I am finding I enjoy the administrative aspects of my career much more. But don't get me wrong; there is plenty of room for criticism in this area as well. Here's an example...

Today I was told that I need to sound more welcoming or friendly when I answer my phone. Boy did that sting. Ego is bruised a bit! My cheeks are actually blushing with embarrassment as I write this out. But instead of defending my position for a less than cheery disposition, I sucked it up and blew off the pit of frustration in my stomach. I didn't explain that it is not always so easy to be little miss sunshine all the time and every different reason for what could go on in my day to cause this. There is no reason to stand and say all this because at the end of the day I CAN BE BETTER. We all can! And should! 

The only one at fault for me feeling like shit now is me. Because I wasn't giving it 100% all the time. I slipped up. Of course we aren't always going to be perfect - we aren't machines. I just feel like I've let myself down and feel like I should express things that effect me that others do in a constructive fashion more often then just letting them off the hook or turning a blind eye. 

I'm having a tough time at the moment and am in need of a "you're kicking ass", "you're of value", "you are not completely failing" type of pick me up. I feel like I'm taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back these days and I am trying so hard to get it right. 

I want more responsibility not in the quantity of tasks, but the importance of job duties. I want to excel and help the team grow as well. But I have to prove I can do it - you don't just get something because you want it; you gotta work it!

Criticism on a personal level is tough. No one wants to be told the aren't loving in the right way or they aren't bring romantic enough. It's hard to accept what a friend tells you as just observation when they say you need to be there more. It's difficult any way it's dealt and it takes true character, strength and diplomacy to be able to take it in and grow from it. 

On the up side I'm feeling very positive about the direction I'm going physically. My body is responding so well to all my hard work at the gym and eating right! I'm starting to feel sexy and really mean it when I say it! Last night driving home from a hard workout I rocked out stripper dance style to Ohh La La by Goldfrapp. I felt the beat deep in my veins and felt like a million bucks! 

I hope my mind will catch up to my physical confidence. I want to be the total package. I want to be the best. I want criticism to roll off my back and not embarrass me. 

Happy hump day my lovely readers! Turn on your favorite jam and dance it out like a stripper! Work it and feel sexy!

Getting Through It

I keep trying to talk myself out of negative thinking, and so far it's not going so well. I just have to say it. I feel like I'm an after thought; useless; isolated; always pushed to the back burner. I know it's petty and immature to feel like this, so maybe saying it loud and clear will be the beginning of the end to feeling these stupid feelings. 

Things are extremely busy in every aspect of my life and time is passing by way too quickly. Is living life really all about bouncing from one thing to the next, playing a constant game of catch up and try to survive? It hardly seems like living to me. 

I recognize a major issue leading to why I feel this way today; actually this whole week. I take things way too personal. I internalize everything and probably feel much stronger than most about pretty much everything. I am starting to think that I put more care and emphasis on things than others, and have too high of expectations from people. I care a lot and I think it is to my detriment. 

Here I am siting at Starbucks on my lunch break blogging and trying to just catch my breath. I feel off - nothing seems right and combine that with feeling put off and now all I want to do is go home, crawl under the covers and sleep the day away. 

I am most likely just throwing a juvenile tantrum because things aren't "fun" right now. Life is throwing serious lemons at me right now and there is a lot to deal with. I am trying my hardest to power through it with a smile on my face and I'm not always able to do it gracefully. 

It is stupid but it's true - things are better when they are light hearted, silly, relaxed, in sync, etc. I know there will not always be days like this, but I just wish there were more good days than bad. I wish there was more laughter than frustration or angry faces. I wish life was a little less serious more often. 

It is all about perspective and I'm trying to keep in mind that this is just a day - one Friday out of many more to follow that will be both good and bad. I'll get through it just like I did the one before it and will do so over and over again in the future... Because that is what living life is about; getting through it and over it and moving on. Right? 

Who Will Get Me?

I started school this week and already it's a ton of reading. Hopefully I can find a rhythm and some steady study habits and get through the next few years painlessly. I am really looking forward to the process and to getting a degree to back up what I know I can do. 

Besides school things have been pretty much status quo. I feel like I'm really growing and changing, hopefully for the better, and hopefully so are the people around me. I am really worried that I will have changed so much I will no longer have things in common with the ones I care about. 

Just a few years ago I was partying and being a typical wild and reckless late twenty something. My friends all fit into that mix; the girl I called my best friend was never without a rum and coke in hand and was a shit talker, shot caller, party girl. I was at a dead end, abusive job that I didn't care about. I gave up on anything resembling work ethic and drank with my boss at work. Did I mention we worked with special needs kids? Well, I didn't directly work with then thank god. 

I decided one day after many shitty, emotional drunk nights full of fighting and crying that I should examine my life. I started applying for jobs and found hope again. I miraculously got the wonderful job I have now and in the transition found my confidence. I found my intelligence. I found my self worth. 

Needless to say I phased my friend out of my life to acquaintance status. After I cleaned up I realized she was still the same. Same complaints. Same lack of real motivation. Same lofty goals that lacked reality. I had changed and grown and outgrew my friends. 

I had a friend who had one goal - be a mom. I have many goals - have a good career and work hard, eventually get a BA and an MBA, travel, etc. and as I started changing I too outgrew her! 

I have since made a new group of career minded, educated, caring and dedicate friends that work hard and most importantly put as much effort into our friendship as I do. I look up to them vas respect them. 

I don't want to be distanced from them because I have to commit myself up studying. I don't want them to move away. I am sick of having to start over and have such a hard time letting people in. I'm very protective of my friendships. 

In the end I keep telling myself that I need just focus on me and things will fall into place. But who will get me? 

Share!!

I've been asked a few times how I can be comfortable writing so openly and have been commended for putting it all out there so publicly in this blog. I have been told by several people that they have shared many of the same fears or feelings I've written about and haven't been able to share it before reading my blog. I am very humbled and honored that my writing and sharing of my experiences have meant something to people. But I also say to them...share!

Of course it's not easy to open up and share the intimate fears and struggles of your life, especially in such a public forum. But your struggles, fears, frustrations, sadness, disappointments, whatever may be plaguing you must come out. It is not only unhealthy to ball everything up into a painful supernova of negative emotion, but you should have people in your life you genuinely trust that you can allow in and help you. 

Chances are if someone is close to you and willing to lay it all on the line and let you in, you are able to do the same. I have very few people in my life that I have allowed to see the true person I am, every side to me, the good, the bad and the ugly. I have a few people close enough to me to know how much I care, how truly sensitive I am, how hard I love, and how guarded I come across. 

I have made a serious effort to allow myself to trust enough to share who I am and what I am feeling. More people need to do this - let someone trying to help in, shed the tough skin and be upfront about your woes. We all have good days and shitty days, sometimes more shitty than good. But if someone lets you help them, tear down your wall and let them help you back. It has taken me a long time to realize that it is okay to feel and alright to let people in. I just wish more people would do the same. 

And also related to letting out your feelings, I have been thinking a lot about personal responsibility for our emotions and what we allow to get us down in the first place. Most of us do not seem to be aware of how much our moods affect others close to us. I am guilty of this and am trying to be more aware of how my actions or emotions affect others.

I've also realized that I have control over who I let put me in a bad mood or hurt me. It's amazing how much better life is when you realize this. You can fight me, yell, scream, jump up and down, try to push me around, get jealous, act a fool, do whatever you wish; but you are not going to get me down or break my stride. It's not worth letting my whole day turn to shit because of someone elses emotions. 

I can only control and be responsible for my own feelings and actions. I can only live my life focusing on my own fears and feelings, letting in those close to me to help me along the way. And I really need to remember not to take myself so damn seriously!