Old Friends Who Just Met

Last night I met a very old friend, whom I haven’t seen in 7 years, for a drink. I parked a few blocks away and walked to the bar; trying to expel any nervous energy from anticipating what it would be like spending time together after so many years. I got there early, as I typically do when I’m nervous, and sat at a table eagerly awaiting an awkward hello. I expected the night to be extremely uncomfortable, not knowing what to say and full of uncomfortable silences and speaking over one another. I was not sure if we would be able to resume our friendship after such an abrupt end 7 years ago.

As my friend walked in there was an instant sense of comfort and familiarity, as if those 7 very busy years were just a moment in time, like we had never lost touch. I completely forgot any reason why we stopped talking at that moment. I got up and gave him a hug and couldn’t wait to hear his story, congratulate him on his marriage, find out how his family was doing, and get to know him all over again for the man he had become.

The night continued on and time flew by without us even noticing. It was so enjoyable getting to know what he had been doing with his life and learn about his beautiful wife and their relationship. It was great to find out about how his family, which I once felt was family of my own, was doing. It felt as if the evening ended too quickly and we both parted ways, promising to be in each others lives.  

The most amazing part of the night was not that we were able to pick up a friendship as if no time had passed. My friend did something I consider extremely classy and admirable. It was something many people never do. He apologized for any time he was not a good friend. He explained himself and took ownership of not being a good friend to me when I needed hi m when my dad got sick and passed away. He shared his disappointment with himself for not being there at my wedding. It was already water under the bridge for me, but hearing his words was powerful.

It takes real courage to apologize for something like that. It takes responsibility and true character to be honest with yourself and others about your flaws and take ownership of wrongdoing. He may never fully know how much that meant to me.

I am very lucky to get second chances like this in my life. To know that I have a friend who thought about his actions and made good on bad behavior and that I too could apologize for any times I was not there as I should have been. It was one of the most honest and real conversations I’ve had with a friend and a moment in my life I will never forget.

My friend is back and I am looking forward to years of friendship, getting to know his family and the life he lives now as an adult. I am glad that we have both become mature adults and are able to know each other at this point in our lives. It really was a holiday gift to have our friendship rekindled. I have so much to be thankful for.

Create Your Future

I am so ready to finish packing and get on a plane. I am heading to Baltimore for work very early Friday morning, but I could be heading anywhere and I would be happy. I’m looking forward to the act of travel, as it gives me a sense of freedom and change that I have not felt in a while. I like the anticipation of taking off on the runway and the unknown adventure ahead. I am in need of a vacation desperately. Even if I am flying solo and have no one to vacation with, I still need to get away. I have been overwhelmed at work, spread way too thin, and life has not been forgiving either. The last semester of school took so much out of me and I am struggling at times to build up the wind in my sails and keep going. I have run out of steam and need a refresh.

I read something a friend of mine posted the other day about putting out in the universe the energy and actions you hope to get back. It’s similar to what parents teach their kids when they are young about doing onto others as you wish them to do unto you. I have really taken a step back from certain things in my life and have regained control over the choices I have and emotions I feel. I realized a few weeks ago (as I am sure you have read if you follow my blog) that I am in control of how I feel based on the choices I make. I have had a hard time recently with feeling hurt because I wasn’t getting treated the way I wanted. But what was I really doing to help myself or show that I wanted to be and expected to be treated a certain way? The only real action I could take was to take back the only thing I could control; me. I stepped back, gained confidence in knowing my worth and what I deserve, and started making choices for myself again. Once I decided not to let myself feel hurt and not to sit around waiting to be treated the right way, amazingly I started feeling more positive and was actually treated better!

I have changed a lot over the past several months and have found that I believe in the ideas of energy and positive thinking more than I realized. When I am around people who are stressed out or live an unbalanced life, I am affected. I feel so anxious when I let other people and their actions or choices affect me, especially when I want something from them. Such a lame thing to do giving someone that much power over me!

I put it out there in this blog often, that what I want is equal partnership, love, kindness, consistent communication, and genuine caring. I put it out in the world by being a good friend, compassionate person, devoted lover, loyal sister, patient daughter (sometimes not very successful with this one) and a decent human being. I can only be responsible for my actions and take ownership of my emotions and control my reaction to other people’s decisions.

In thinking about the approaching New Year I am quite sad that I will be alone, as New Years is perhaps my favorite holiday. But I am also finding a sense of peace in knowing that I can do whatever I desire and be with whomever I CHOOSE. I CHOOSE. It is key. Life in 2015 is not going to happen to me. I am going to decide for myself who I let in, who I love, what love I get in return, and how I feel.

Anxious Voice

No TV. No Internet. Nothing but time to think. And feel. Boy have I done a lot of that this week!

Today it all came to a head. Fear and an overwhelming flood of feelings. Exhaustion from going through the motions. Frustration and sadness from people not being available when I really needed them to be. Sadness from feeling like an afterthought. Isolation from a new geographic location. Instability from a lack of a routine. It all hit me. Hard. Like a ton of fucking bricks. 

I am proud of myself for addressing it and taking ownership of what I need and what I feel. I am really good at avoiding difficult conversations that have the likelihood of turning into a confrontation. I didn't do that. I held in tears, took a deep breath, and spoke my mind. And it was well received. I survived unscathed. I was allowed to say my piece and was given complete attention. And ultimately I was heard and cared for. It is refreshing to have such healthy communication. 

It's as if something is in the air, perhaps it was the recent eclipse. Some how alignment is off and everyone is going through a difficult time. I have thought a lot about what we do as humans to cope with difficulty. Some, like myself, write it out. Others fester in it until it disappears. Others ignore it and immerse themselves in hobbies. Others let it bring them down and stop them from any other enjoyment.  As all of you have read, I've been definitely going through a hard time. I'm having seriously debilitating anxiety that is continuous. I am depressed after sundown when the world quiets down and I am alone with my thoughts. I am scared and shook up and really need love. I just can't let that keep me from what I care about or from moving forward. Life is too damn short to waste it moping around in isolation. Of course I need to feel the feelings to address them and heal my wounds, but I choose to do that with those around me that I love. I need to vocalize my needs and be a bit selfish at the moment. I need to be loved and helped and let people in to give that to me. I need to stop acting like I'm always okay and nothing bothers me. There are things that bother me and things I need just like the next person. We all have that. 

Right now I am sitting in my reading chair reflecting on this long and very disappointing weekend and am glad it's over. I am glad things will go back to a routine. I am also glad I had these feelings and am going through this emotional journey because I'm finally addressing a lot that I have long kept bottled up and stored deep inside me. I am glad I am respected and cared for and am encouraged to talk and share. I am glad I am enjoyed for who I am and embraced. 

Here's to a week that will hopefully be much better. That will be happier, more positive, and hopefully less anxious. But if it isn't, I know I found my voice to say how I feel and I know I have those around me who are willing and ready to listen. 

Morning Meditation

I

 I woke up this morning, kept my eyes closed, and took a deep breath aware of the flow of oxygen in my body; aware of my life and who I am. I kept my eyes closed and focused on my breath, bringing in positive thoughts with every inhale and expelling the negative thoughts with every breath out. I let my mind wander and found myself thinking about the woman I am today. I smile now reflecting on the start to my morning as I am acutely aware of who I am and how different I have become. I am present in every moment and much more subdued, knowing the true meaning of picking my battles.

In moving forward with any relationship, be it friendship or love, I have come to understand that communication is the most vital component. A relationship, in my opinion, is not going to last without this. And it seems like today there are so many rules on how we should "properly communicate" with a friend or partner. "Don't give out too much information about yourself because you don't want to seem too available," or "if a friend asks for advice don't be too honest because you don't want to offend," or "don't share too many feelings with someone because it will push them away." I feel like I need a manual to have a conversation with someone these days. People wonder why I feel such a lack of confidence in communicating or making decisions. Well, this is why.

With my eyes closed this morning I realized that I am happy being who I am now, a more muted version of my previously bull headed, boisterous personality. Of course I still have opinions, however I keep a lot to myself and analyze its importance before sharing. I have a much greater filter that I use more frequently. I enjoy being quiet and taking things in more than speaking and being heard. I find it exciting and enjoyable to have someone else make decisions or do more of the talking. I have really changed, mostly because of all I have been through in my life, especially in the past few years.

As I started to open my eyes I thought about all the different opinions I've heard recently about communication. I started to think about how I communicate my wants, thoughts and fears to those in my life. I realized I do not want to have to follow a specific set of parameters in order to share with someone how I feel. If I am bothered by something I should be able to say it and know that someone is receptive and open minded enough to take it in with a grain of salt, even if it is not something they may agree with. I shouldn't have to stifle expressing a feeling because I am afraid it will be poorly received. And in turn I need to always keep an open mind and be receptive to hearing how others feel, even if it may make me upset.

I am not in the business of playing games. I am a firm believer in tell it like it is and be honest and true to your feelings. I am not going to shy away from someone because they are honest, even if it is something I didn't want to hear. I am more likely to run from someone who is too afraid to speak their mind or plays games instead of using their words.

My final thought as I got out of bed was that I value certain things in my life more than I ever thought I would. I am more traditional than I realized. I like to say good morning and good night to those I care about, and really feel that there is value to good, solid communication. I like to make sure people know I am present and expect the same in return. I value quality time over quantity more than I ever did before. It is not about how much time you can spend with someone, but the quality of the time you do have that is truly important. I am way more sensitive than I ever realized. Yes, I like to joke around a hell of a lot, but deep down inside I am a girl with feelings and emotions and all that girly stuff I fought against for so many years. I am an emotional creature and can be quite gentle and loving.

I started my day with an awareness of the body and my presence in the world and in the lives of those I love. I allowed my emotions to be felt and my thoughts to exist and not be shoved down into a place of nonexistence. I smile as I finish this blog because I am happy. I am happy with what I have and look forward to what I can gain over time. I am happy with those in my life and look forward to time with them. I have a lot to celebrate and am actively making an effort to embrace who I am on a daily basis.

Let's Get Real

I have a harder time writing when I'm happy, which is actually quite sad. But it is the truth. I find myself searching for something to write about instead of just writing about why I am so happy. I find that readership of my sadder, more "real" blog entries is significantly higher than those that are more positive. Perhaps people are searching for comfort in the honesty and openness of my struggles. Or maybe it is just the specific topic that draws people in. I haven't really examined any of the data to make a truly educated guess.

So here is a real topic for you to ponder... moving on and embracing change. Moving on is a reoccurring theme in my life these days and is something I think I am becoming pretty good at. I am trying my hardest to embrace the change and the new aspects of my life. In round two of my life I am working hard to be less of a control freak. Don't get me wrong, I still can't stand waiting until the last minute to confirm plans or the feeling of being unprepared for an event. I am still very much so afraid of the unknown. The difference is I am trying to harness that fear and use it to get past my hurdles.

Since I've been on my own I have decided that the only way to truly change is to force myself to do all the things I am afraid of and put myself in uncomfortable situations. Here's a little secret about me... I used to hate the unknown and the possibilities of awkward run-ins with old friends so much I would wait in the car if I was meeting a friend somewhere until I knew that they were already there. I would fill up my schedule so I was always doing something with someone so I never had to be alone. I lacked confidence and strength.

Today I am a different woman. I actually enjoy a night to myself, not all the time of course, but every now and then I think it is refreshing to jump in the car, grab a bite to eat alone, and take a drive. I like to be left with my thoughts (provided they are not self defeating and negative). I think it is healthy to be comfortable in your own skin. I also force myself to take part in social gatherings and situations that I would instinctively shy away from and engage in conversation with strangers whenever I get the chance.

I don't want to be held back by my own irrational fears and lack of confidence. I want to live a happy life and be able to show my friends and those around me who I truly am inside. There are very few people I really let in. I have a pretty tall wall up around me keeping me safe and protected from judgements and peoples unnecessary cruelty. But my wall has a hard time discerning between those who are hurtful and those who care. A wall is a wall and once it is up it prevents anyone, even those with the best of intentions and care, out of my life and it becomes impossible to make real connections.

In moving on I am also moving forward. I am scared of starting over and letting those in who really care, but I also very excited about it. I enjoy the process of being open and honest about what I feel and what I think with those I care about. I am learning a lot from being able to share the process of healing and rebuilding through this blog. Writing it out and telling my story makes me feel less alone and takes the sting out of being thirty one years old and starting life over again. It makes it so much easier to know that I have people in my corner and that possibly I am helping them go through their own journey.

I can only say for sure that I am who I am. I work hard to stay in shape and hope to become even stronger and more beautiful as I age. I try to learn as much as I can and educate myself to be even smarter. I want to surround myself with those who make me laugh and smile so I always have a happy, light heart. I try to give back to people I care about, being there as a shoulder to cry on and a comfort. I am working on being a better friend, daughter, more loving, more gentle, more understanding, much more patient.

Life isn't easy right now, but I know I am moving on; changing; moving forward. Growing. Loving. And I know I am cared for.

Relationships Are Hard

The question of care came up in a rather heated conversation with my husband tonight on my way to the gym. We've been together a decade (literally) and you would think that after all that time we would know exactly how to care for one another when we are sick or feeling low. But we don't...

He is suffering from sinus allergies or some mild head cold and as a result is incredibly irritable. I should honestly know better than to approach him with opinions or advice. It's just not received well when he's in this condition. I should know this by now, right?! But I did the exact opposite and he erupted in anger. Guess I was asking for it...?

In the thick of the angry exchange we touched upon the topic of care. I do not know how to care for him how he wants. After ten years I apparently care for him how I want to be cared for, not how HE wants. I never stopped to think I was doing it wrong; bringing him a blanket when he wants a hot meal. I have been being emotionally there for him when he wanted to get a neck massage and then to be left alone. 

It begs the question of why didn't he speak up and correct it? Why not just say what you need? It's not being polite in my opinion if you're just going to throw it back in my face in a later argument. 

To get a bit personal here, when I get my period I want to be approached gently, fed and reassured. I want love and sympathy. Until recently this was not how I was cared for and so I spoke up. He has tried really hard to care for me in a way that makes me happy that is completely opposite from his natural inclination. I need to do the same.

I think that the people we were ten years are drastically different from who we both are today and so our ways of caring need to be adjusted accordingly. I feel sadness for the argument and while I don't think it's fair to verbally lash out at someone because of feeling ill or exhausted, I should have done everything differently. 

I can't believe I'm still learning how up coexist after so many years. I can't believe that we have changed so much. This year I will work harder on recognizing other peoples needs and making sure that not only am I happy, but so are they. 

Holy Shit! I'm NOT Fat!

Here I am on the eve of Thanksgiving running on the elliptical. I am so thankful to be healthy enough to bust my ass at the gym. I speak negatively about my weight a lot, calling myself fat or thick, but today I actually stopped to really look at myself in the full length mirror in the gym locker room. 

I stood there in a sports bra and knee length running tights, shoes and ankle socks. I studied the curve of my hips and the roundness of my butt. I took note of my waistline, the increased flatness of my stomach, the beginning formation of upper abdominals. I noticed my boobs actually look bigger as I get skinnier because they just won't get any smaller but everything else around them is shrinking. And you know what? I'm ok with it! I stood there looking at myself head on, turned to the side, back to head on. I wasn't appalled. I was content. I see progress and came to a healthy realization... Holy shit! I'm NOT fat!! I am not bad.

Today I run with a bit more bounce in my step because I know all this hard work is paying off. As I run I focus on the curve of my waist and feel accomplished as th sweat trails down the small of my back. I feel every muscle in my butt activate, pushing myself harder and closer to the skinny, sexy me. Or I should  say skinnier and sexier. 

I had a good day today, making up for the past few not so enjoyable ones this week. I needed a day like today to bring me out of the fog; out of feeling pushed out, stepped on, treated badly. My husband put it best last night - there is always going to be someone playing the game. They may play dirty, they may play it better than you, they may win. It isn't the rest of your life and it's only a sign of their insecurities and feelings of threat because of you. So really, you win in the end. 

To fill you all in quickly, what I'm referring to is a coworker invited me to a birthday celebration for my boss. They invited me on a Friday and on Monday uninvited me then had the nerve to ask me if I could coordinate the reservations. If I'm not invited I'm not invited - not the issue. The issue is the nerve of retracting an invite and then asking me to plan it. Screw you! While I shouldn't, I do take it personally because of the snide comments the week before like "I see you didn't do anything to your hair today" or "you feeling ok? You are loosing an awful lot of weight!" Or my personal favorite conversational exchange... 

Coworker: what are you doing for lunch?

Me: boss and I are going to lunch.

Coworker: again? You two sure go to lunch a lot.

Me: excuse me? 

Coworker: seems like you go a lot.

I think she is professionally trained in passive aggressive conversation. I know it comes from deep seeded insecurities but man does it sting. All joking aside, it really hurts my feelings and devalues me professionally and personally. It makes me sad. 

But I'm past it. I know my value and as I run right now with sweat dripping down my chest I wash away all the bad feelings and negativity. I breathe in happy thoughts of those who love me, respect me, know my potential. I breathe out the anger and disappointment. The burning of my muscles means I'm running towards a brighter, happier, more fulfilling future without the negativity to bog me down. 

I'm thankful for great days like today and the possibilities for even better days to come.