A Bipolar Year with a Happy Ending

I ended 2014 with a vacation which was such a great way to close out a year that has been trying and has often tested my ability to cope and my resolve. I was put through my paces and faced some real pain, but have managed to overcome and stay positive through it all. I feel like I’m ending 2014 on a very hopeful note and am ready to conquer 2015, making life happen instead of waiting for adventure to take place.

2014 was a bipolar year for me. A total up and down roller coaster from one extreme to another. I had some hard times, especially the most painful part of it all, which was ending my marriage after being together a total of twelve years. I don’t take that lightly and it has been a very difficult and eye opening experience going through the divorce process. I’ve put a lot out there for you to read and have shed light on what it is like learning how to live alone after never really doing so, but there are some deep personal wounds that come from such a journey that I have kept very quiet and close to my heart. Getting divorced has tested my will, my resolve, my ability to love, my openness and my heart. It has made me question everything about the person I am and what I will become. It has made me reconsider what I want out of my life and the values of family.

But it has also opened my eyes to the life I can live and to my full potential that I have not been living up to. It has made me closer to my friends, a better listener, more understanding, driven and accepting. I have a greater passion for love and living true to oneself. Out of being on my own has come an independence that has been burning inside me like a furnace, pushing me to travel and make decisions and stand up for myself. I see value in the person I have grown to be that I was unaware of before.

This past year has also brought new people into my life that I am so very thankful for. I have had opportunities to make good friends that I know are lifelong and just as thankful for our friendship as I am. Through these friends I have been able to learn different types of love and have found a silly side to my personality. I have grown from them, been encouraged and found true companionship. In some of my friends I have been able to see a lot of qualities my dad used to have, feeling as if he is even more so still with me just in a different form.

Within this year I have helped my mom recover from a freak accident, watching our relationship grow and mature. I said goodbye to my last grandparent, accepted the permanent distance between my father’s family and I, learned how to be more accepting of my emotions and even began to meditate. I received a promotion at work, moved to a place I absolutely love, found inner peace and love for myself. The growth in 2014 has shown me the importance of being open and honest about feelings and intentions. It was a year about acceptance, recognition, ownership, love, healing, kindness, charity and embracing change.

To my friends who have been by my side throughout the year – thank you! I know I have been a pain in the ass, overemotional as well as completely closed off, timid and hesitant, loud and obnoxious, direct and rude, etc. I have not always been the best friend that I know I could be and I promise 2015 will be better. Thank you for not giving up on me.

To my friends who are struggling with the closing of one year and unresolved issues – you are not alone. Life is funny and has a way of teaching us lessons we were unaware we needed to learn. If you feel you have not been successful or accomplished much this past year, you are wrong. You have taught me to be better, stronger, and more open, take myself less seriously, and push myself to learn more. You have been a great friend and that is definitely something to take pride in.

This vacation to Baltimore, even more so than the last trip, has opened my eyes to my ability to choose for myself. The most important thing that I have learned within 2014 has been my voice. I have learned that I have the voice to speak up and choose my own destiny. I am the only one who can decide my happiness and the direction of my future and it is my responsibility to myself and everyone in my life to speak up.

2015, I’m coming for you! You have no idea the force that is heading your way. Here’s to a new year full of change, good fortune, new beginnings, the good kind of unknown, friendships and love.

Happy New Year Everyone!!

The Real Question

 Here is a short story I wrote for a short story contest. I hope you enjoy...


She woke up in a haze, unsure if it were reality or still a dream. Each morning lately begins the same way. Feet shuffling on the cold worn wood floors, she makes it to the bathroom vanity, grabs hold of either side of the sink to brace herself, opens her eyes and stares deeply into her reflection in the mirror.

Typically she breaks her stare and brushes her teeth, not really focusing on any particular thought, letting her mind drift into a silent void. Today was different. As she held her sharp stare a tear ran down her cheek, trailing down the corner of her mouth with her lips closed tight, tasting salty and bitter. A single drop hit the sink and with it her heart ached. She knew inside that she was worth so much more. That she had forgotten to love herself and was not being loved the right way. Today she seemed older. More experienced. More confident than even a single day before. 

As the story goes, she had met someone who she thought to be great, who stoked the flame of her spirit and invigorated her in ways she herself was not even aware of initially. He was intelligent and charming in a quirky and peculiar way. He had a quick wit and a wicked sense of humor, yet was serious and awkward at times. He was mature in so many ways yet childlike and silly out of the blue. He was so different than anything she had known and a welcomed change of pace. He was kind and passionate and made her feel so beautiful and desired. Weeks went on and each day was better than the next. They spent hours talking and building a friendship. His embrace seemed genuine and comforting and despite the challenges they both faced as they each approached their own crossroads, they seemed to be able to share romantic moments with a true connection. 

She was always skeptical and never truly trusting, yet with him she made a conscious effort to be different. Opening her heart and sharing her deepest thoughts, she let him in and in turn he seemed to do the same. Life was a breath of fresh air; silly laughter, witty banter, smiles and gentle touch. If there was a way to stop the ticking clocks to stay within the moments of complete calm and passion with him she would have done it.

As more time passed and they each approached different variations of road blocks life presented them, things began to change. She and her feelings for him only grew, but yet the distance seemed much greater. Almost overnight he grew distant. He no longer called to say good morning.  Pursuit of her and wanting her company was halted. She felt saddened by the lack of care and communication. She felt as if she were an anchor, unwanted, attached and needy. At night she would gaze at the lines in the vintage plaster on her apartment ceiling thinking about what is was that she was doing wrong. What about her was not enough? She was sure that most women at some point feel this when someone pulls away, but yet she felt like her situation was unique. A thought that she now realizes is so cliché.  

Finally, addressing the situation with him, she learned that it was he who was struggling, afraid of taking a leap or reaching another level. Intimacy and connection was seemingly suffocating to him, while to her it was what she has always longed for in a relationship. It was companionship to her and the companionship he claimed to desire; an understanding and mutual respect that was what she had always understood defined a healthy, committed relationship. 

As they continued on seeing each other, the moments were still great, yet the time together was much less frequent. She heard from him less and less and the worry of what it all meant was at times overwhelming. The questions also grew inside. What was she fighting for or holding on to? Why didn’t he care? What was wrong with her? What did she not do that he needed? Why did she trust? 

As you read on I am sure that by now you are thinking this is just a typical girl meets boy story and classic drama, however this is not the point of this story and I will spare you any more lengthy detail. Out of every question that came to her mind, the one she never considered was perhaps the most important. How should I be treated? That is the question she should have been her main concern. She should have taken an inventory of her own self-worth.

On this morning, as she continued the routine of reluctantly opening her eyes, wiping off the crust from a deep sleep, she found the right question. Looking herself in the eye she was very much so aware. She was alert, focused, definite and sure that she was worth more than what she was receiving. For the first time empowerment had shaped her vision of herself and had shown her that she was beautiful. Beautiful physically, attractive in a classic sense, but also a beautiful spirit. She had a strong and loyal heart; a gentle and comforting touch; a passion that burned like a hearty fire; intelligence in both a traditional and unconventional way. She was driven and successful with limitless possibility. He was lucky. She deserved communication, his attention and loyalty, praise and comfort, love and passion. She deserved to give that to herself as well.

The tear that fell from her eye down her face and onto the counter was not a tear of sadness for the distance in the relationship she was in that she wished would reverse itself and become closeness. It was sadness for herself, that she had forgotten who she was and what she believed. It was disappointment that she was unable to see her own beauty and demand that she be treated better. It was the feeling of pain that she could not make someone love her and see that she was an asset and worth the effort. 

She brushed the streaks from the tears off of her face, brushed her teeth, took a shower and refused to look back. She vowed to never again forget who she was. She would never again forget to always be true to herself.

Exhausted and Contemplative

I have typed and erased this opening sentence five times. I don’t know how to start this one. I have way too many things bouncing around in my head and a very sensitive heart at the moment. Nothing is clear and free flowing. Everything is jumbled, blurry, emotional, frustrating. 

I came across the quote pictured here on the right on Facebook yesterday. It is a concept we all know but forget often. I let interactions with others and failed expectations dictate my emotional state. I forget to show myself love for who I am and respect to not let people treat me poorly. I turn a blind eye to things and make excuses for people who do not give me the time and attention I deserve.

Life is so transitional for me these days and the constant work on my outlook, insecurities, fears, history, situations and relationships is difficult and exhausting. I am unsettled and unbalanced, but I am not stagnant. I am working at finding happiness, not letting my anxiety become a permanent excuse and disability. I am struggling, over emotional, worried, and at times pessimistic, but I am really trying to pull myself out of it all and gain a stronger, healthier and positive perspective. I want to be better. I want to be loved and get the attention I really deserve. I want to be able to love back.

After a very hurtful and upsetting afternoon yesterday, I was left exhausted and contemplative. I thought about what I really deserve. I deserve love. True, non-judgmental, unanticipated love that is natural and not something I have to fight for. Straight from the heart, without question, loyal and compassionate with only the best intentions. I deserve respect, shown in ways of caring about the struggles I am facing, support throughout a process, faith that I will make a good choice, and trust that I will not hurt or let you down. I also deserve companionship. True companionship can only blossom out of strong communication. Companionship is more than just having fun with another person. It is anticipation of someone’s needs without them having to ask for something. It is being by their side when they get an award, go to an event, take a leap that scares the fuck out of them or a million other things that take place in their life that involves change or growth. It is calling them in the morning to tell them you miss their voice, or saying good night because you want to show you care. It is making time for them because you want to and because you want to make them aware that you are there. Companionship is more than just laughter and joking around. It is deeper than that.  

What do you deserve?

This past weekend someone asked me what my five year plan was. The question has really left me upset. Partly because knowing everything going on in my life and all the pain and transition I am working though, the question shouldn’t have been asked. But mostly because right now I am trying to make it one day at a time. I am starting over and working through a lot of change and I am trying to focus on the light very far off in the distance. I am working towards trusting and loving again and being more definite about what I want. I am working on family issues and anxieties that I do not want to dictate my life. I thought I had a five year plan five years ago, which did not include being divorced by 32, starting over financially, living in a tiny apartment and childless with practically no family. This was NOT my five year plan and just goes to show that making those types of plans isn’t worth anything.

We never know where we will be. We never know who we will meet and who we will fall in love with or who we will wish would love us back. We never know what friendships will fizzle out or stand the test of time. We have no way of knowing any of it. I hate the unknown, but not knowing any of this is out of my control. I am going to love hard, live hard, trust and be trusted, keeping those in my life who are truly deserving and living a positive and happy life. Life lesson for this week is love and respect yourself the way you want others to treat you.

Therapy and Asking for Care

 

 Last night I started therapy. I have come to a point following all the recent changes in my life within the past year where I can no longer avoid dealing with my feelings. I have known for a long time that ignoring the real issues that make me feel anxious or depressed is not a good coping mechanism. Last weekend, feeling as low as I did, was a wake up call that I really need to learn the healthy way to process my emotions.

After going through a history of my childhood, family, relationships, friendships, fears and so on, we discussed the practice of mindfulness; accepting and focusing ones attention on the emotions, thoughts and sensations at the present moment. My therapist asked me how the thought of practicing mindfulness made me feel, and my answer was “uncomfortable.” The idea that I should accept and focus my attention on how I feel when I am anxious makes me cringe. It sounds torturous to intentionally feel pain and not do something to block it out. But I realize, with time will come acceptance and understanding that it is okay to feel as I am feeling and will ultimately help me process the emotions in a healthy way. I left last night feeling both excited for the therapeutic process to begin and fearful of what I will uncover.

There is a big part of me that feels like I am alone on this journey, and that no one really knows what I feel or what thoughts run through my mind. I have always been the one to give out advice and care, there for people anticipating that they may feel sad or afraid or just need my attention, and I feel like I rarely get it back. I know a lot of this is because I shut people out and never say to anyone, “hey, I need you to be more present” or “I need you to ask me more often how I’m doing and check in,” but doesn’t that seem completely selfish to ask? And doesn’t that also mean that if I have to ask and it is not someone’s natural inclination to want to be involved, that it means they do not care?

I feel like I have been doing life wrong for a long time. I feel like I’ve been a chameleon since I was a child, doing things that make others happy; being the daughter that would make my mother proud; the friend that everyone looked up to; the wife that took care of everything. What has really happened is I have lost my own identity in the process over the years, and now I am learning all over again who I really am.

Patience is something I really need to work on. I have typically wanted instant gratification and immediate answers. I want career advancement right away and whatever hobby I get involved in I feel as if I have to master it. When my ex and I started dating we moved in together after only three months and were practically a married couple within the first year. I have always been this “all or nothing” extreme version of myself and it is time to slow down. It is time to take it slow, enjoy the adventure, enjoy the company, let life happen just a little bit more and allow myself the time it takes to really deal with the emotions I am feeling. It is time to really recognize that things that have taken 31 years to develop will not be resolved overnight.

Following my session I sat at home going over things discussed and realized that one of the reasons I lack patience is fear. I am scared to take things slow because I am afraid I will be forgotten. I am afraid of not being a priority, afraid of missed opportunities, afraid of being insignificant. I am afraid that I will start to feel happy, closeness, enjoyment, care, love, and a million other emotions that I really like to feel and then will lose all of that. I need to change my way of thinking and realize that taking things slow does not mean that they are not important; that I am not important. It isn’t a bad thing to be careful.  

I know that this therapy process, as painful and difficult as it may be, is ultimately going to be the best thing that I could have done for myself. Today, at the present moment, I accept that I am feeling slightly anxious and worried, and recognize where those emotions are coming from.

Missed Flight

I haven’t been able to remember dreams for a while. Today, however, was a different story. It was another restless night. I had a vivid dream about traveling and missing my flight. I had a flight at 11:27 AM out of LAX. I packed the night before, got all of my work and boarding pass ready to go. I'm unsure exactly where I was going or what the purpose of the trip was, but I was definitely still married and he and I were going to go on this trip together.

The morning of the trip everything seemed off. I was running late and had to go to a park-and-ride type of facility to get a rental golf cart, which they explained was the only way to get into the airport. This unplanned change of transportation left me worried that I would not make it home to get the bags and get to the airport in time for the flight.  

I pushed down hard on the gas driving the cart at maximum speed, making my way home, which was actually my mother’s house in the San Fernando Valley. My ex was there taking his time, playing in the pool (which doesn't even exist at my mom's house in reality). I paced back and forth and glanced at the clock, realizing it was 11:09 AM. I wasn't going to make it. I ditched the golf cart in my mom’s garage and called a cab. The cab driver arrived at 11:15 AM and raced me, without the ex, to the airport. But it was too late. The flight had already taken off.

In a panic, I ran around the airport trying to find the counter for my airlines. It was nowhere to be found. It didn't exist. I was searching frantically, trying to get anyone to help, but no one responded. Every person I approached simply laughed at me and walked away. I was in a deep panic, not sure of how I was going to get where I needed to go, unsure of why I was even traveling.

Then my alarm went off and I was awake. Sweating and confused. In a haze, I sat and thought about this for a bit. What is going on in my mind? Why after a month of being unable to recall any dreams, good or bad, did this come out? Why now?

According to some online dream analysis, the meaning could be that I am taking on too much in my life. It could symbolize difficulty in making decisions about new opportunities, deep fear of change, confusion about making decisions for my future, regret and sadness for a missed opportunity, etc. Sounds pretty on par with what I'm dealing with these days.

I talked with a good friend a lot this weekend and he did a great job of listening and letting me go through the motions. In the process of going from a Friday night of feeling unsettled, fearful, stuck and unwanted to the calming clarity on Sunday night, I have realized something very important in the healing process of becoming a healthier and happier person. I am in control of how much emotional importance I put on situations or people. The space someone takes up in my life and how much I invest in them emotionally is actually my choice, not theirs. I am deserving of the closeness and caring that I put out and will give back what is reciprocated. I have been too available and at the end of the day, the only person hurt is me because of expectations I have set in my mind for someone to feel the same and act the same as I do. It is something I know I will need to remind myself of often. It is something I will need to actively practice. I often give a lot to those I care about and feel slighted when I do not get that in return. The only thing I can truly change is how I react and the decisions I make in response to their actions.

I have great friends and a compassionate support system that I am so thankful to have. I know I am not alone, even if I may physically be for moments in my life. Life is hard right now, but the journey will be all part of my story in the end and what has made me a more dynamic individual.

To a few of my friends who are experiencing their own pain right now – don’t give up. Breathe. Relax. Be present in the moment. Feel it, as uncomfortable as it may be. And own it! Easier said than done I realize, but it is not impossible. And I’m right there with you.