Who Will Get Me?

I started school this week and already it's a ton of reading. Hopefully I can find a rhythm and some steady study habits and get through the next few years painlessly. I am really looking forward to the process and to getting a degree to back up what I know I can do. 

Besides school things have been pretty much status quo. I feel like I'm really growing and changing, hopefully for the better, and hopefully so are the people around me. I am really worried that I will have changed so much I will no longer have things in common with the ones I care about. 

Just a few years ago I was partying and being a typical wild and reckless late twenty something. My friends all fit into that mix; the girl I called my best friend was never without a rum and coke in hand and was a shit talker, shot caller, party girl. I was at a dead end, abusive job that I didn't care about. I gave up on anything resembling work ethic and drank with my boss at work. Did I mention we worked with special needs kids? Well, I didn't directly work with then thank god. 

I decided one day after many shitty, emotional drunk nights full of fighting and crying that I should examine my life. I started applying for jobs and found hope again. I miraculously got the wonderful job I have now and in the transition found my confidence. I found my intelligence. I found my self worth. 

Needless to say I phased my friend out of my life to acquaintance status. After I cleaned up I realized she was still the same. Same complaints. Same lack of real motivation. Same lofty goals that lacked reality. I had changed and grown and outgrew my friends. 

I had a friend who had one goal - be a mom. I have many goals - have a good career and work hard, eventually get a BA and an MBA, travel, etc. and as I started changing I too outgrew her! 

I have since made a new group of career minded, educated, caring and dedicate friends that work hard and most importantly put as much effort into our friendship as I do. I look up to them vas respect them. 

I don't want to be distanced from them because I have to commit myself up studying. I don't want them to move away. I am sick of having to start over and have such a hard time letting people in. I'm very protective of my friendships. 

In the end I keep telling myself that I need just focus on me and things will fall into place. But who will get me? 

It's Never Too Late My Ass

Back to my previous entry A Big Regret, I have made some bad choices that have left a negative impact on my future. For the first time in my life I am really feeling the consequences of my choices. I wish I could go back and stop myself in my tracks and reset my way of thinking to make the right decision.

I started thinking back to my past choices and what I could do now to rectify some of the wrong decisions I made and realize it is so hard, basically impossible to do some of the things I should have done before. The saying "it's never too late" is a farce! It's a lofty, positive way to make your bad decisions less painful to stomach, but honestly it is too late to do certain things now.

My choice to quit school was stupid. Listen up future leaders and decision makers - go to fucking college! It is not only vital to your future success but why struggle when you don't have to? Get your dumb asses to school! You WILL regret it if you don't. I do. It really is too late to go back; I am too busy with work; have too many other bills to pay; have a family to worry about. The school ship has sailed.

Here is another stupid one...my choice to spend almost all of my 20's making money and spending it faster than it came in on alcohol and having fun with friends. Sure I had a blast; I made some really great memories of silly nights, went on a few trips, saw a handful of rock shows. But they were all moments, nothing that was really beneficial to my future. I have nothing to show for it except some funny pictures and a few stories to tell. But the choice to blow all our money going out is why we are struggling so hard right now. And friends who partied with us then who did manage to get ahead and are more successful now had help from family. It is too late - I cannot go back and erase what has been done. I can't go back and get the money back or change my decisions. I can only move forward from here on out, which I have been doing for several years now, but I will always be playing catch up.

My father used to say to my grandma "Erin will get there, she just has to do things her way on her terms, have patience with her." While I am kind of offended because it makes me sound slightly "special", it is sadly true. I do things the way that makes sense for me, when I am ready, when I decide its time. This way of living is detrimental. I used to think it was admirable and showed maturity or determination. It doesn't. It is stupid and holds you back. There will always be people smarter than you, with more experience or education, that can help guide you if you let them. So let them! If someone tells you to stay in school because you will regret it and will struggle, it's true so listen! If someone shows you an easier way to do something try it their way; it will most likely work and save you a hell of a lot of trouble! 

I have learned lessons from my bad choices, which is the only reason I am not more bitter or filled with more self anger and disappointment. I have learned, albeit the hard way, and have been able to make much better, more responsible choices as a result.