Just Go With It

This morning I got up early with a bit of extra bounce in my step. We are all empowered or feel worth from different things, and for me it is being able to be there for someone. I find fulfillment in being able to give emotional support to someone I care about. Someone told me recently that I must not be aware of how amazing I am. What a compliment! I am not telling you this to brag, believe me I really don’t care to boast myself in any way. The point of sharing this is that I think this statement applies to most of us; at least the truly genuine, caring people who put others first. In giving back and doing things for those we care deeply for we are shown our goodness and compassion. I typically put people I love first – always asking if someone is comfortable, well fed, content, etc. Perhaps it’s the Jewish motherly instinct in me, or maybe it is just acting from the heart. I forget to look within and sometimes ignore the needs I have, not vocalizing what I want because I am too busy doing for others. I need to work on this.

In continuing the thinking that everything happens for a reason and life has a funny way of connecting events from day to day, it was completely appropriate to open the Facebook app on my phone while getting ready this morning and find an article posted by my friend discussing this very subject. Here is the link if you care to read it: http://elitedaily.com/life/greatest-moments-clarity-life-realizing-things-didnt-work-youre-better/773523/. The article explains that failures are completely necessary and that everything in your life happens in order for you to exist, even the unpleasant experiences. They all shape us into the individuals we were meant to be. Failures are actually some of the greatest occurrences in our lives as they remind us we are imperfect and that we always have more to learn and growth is always necessary.

The article concludes with the statement, “The moment you realize that not even loss itself can stop you, that sadness, despair, anger and fear cannot hold you back, is the moment you become perfect. Perfectly flawed, but perfect nonetheless.” This is so true and something I wish some people could truly understand. We will always disappoint other people at different points throughout our lives. We will always get upset, feel pain, mourn loss, but we must always grow from these experiences. 

I am on the mend personally and have shared a lot of my journey with you. Life has not been easy for me. I have struggled more than some and less than many, but nonetheless I have struggled. I am starting over and as I pack my apartment and the minimal belongings I have, I realize this really is the bottom. It is a clean slate. I am literally starting over from scratch and while I am apprehensive and nervous as I approach the new beginnings, I also am so excited and want to just give in to the joy and good energy I feel inside and just go with it. I am certain that I will fail again at several points in my life, and I accept that. I am okay knowing that each failure will bring me great strength and joy after I learn from it. 

In round two of my life, the second phase of my journey, I am giving in to what I feel. I’m not holding back anymore. I will share what I feel, voice what I want, get what I need, and just go with it.

To Thine Own Self Be True?

I am at a point in my life where I am more open and honest with my friends and those I care about than I have ever been before. As I mentioned in my last blog entry, I am actively breaking down the wall I spent years constructing out of self defense. I had a great night having dinner with a dear friend, opening up and being completely myself. It feels so good to be me, for better or worse; honest about who I am and what I feel.

I have spent so long hiding. I used to shy away from discussing things that truly bothered me and realize now that really does no one any good. It is not fair to myself. I got this tattoo on my wrist several years ago that says, "to thine own self be true." It is the advice Polonius gives to his son Laertes in Act 1 of Shakespeare's Hamlet. I have forgotten to take my own advice and honor the quote I felt so important that I put it permanently on my body.

I let my guard down recently and let someone in. I am feeling vulnerable and want to know definitively that I am not going to get hurt. I want to know there is real substance and commitment. Truth be told the whole process of opening up and showing my true colors scares the shit out of me. Most people in my life, as I know I've said in my blog entries before, only get to see the parts of myself I am comfortable sharing. The parts of my personality I deem "approved." I rarely show the other parts of my personality that are more obsessive, controlling, even a bit negative. I try to keep that to myself so I do not offend or make a bad impression. So that I am not judged. But nonetheless they are a part of me and it has become clear to me recently that if I am hiding these parts of my personality there must be a good reason. I am working so hard on improving what I find unacceptable about myself or worthy of change. I want to be better. I am always trying to improve and be the best I can be. I really care a lot.

For those I have let in, you know who you are, I am who I am and I hope you take that as it is and do not abuse it. I have let you in for a reason. I am me - the good, the bad and the ugly. We are all just people trying to sort out the chaos and confusion life throws at us, trying to make the best of the cards we are dealt and build our empire. We are all trying to set examples and be leaders in our own right. I ask that you do not judge me. That you embrace the change we are all facing, with understanding. I ask that you take me with a grain of salt and treat me kindly.  I ask that you are upfront and honest even if it may be unpleasant. I ask that you be a true friend. Life has been unbalanced for a very long time and it was not until recently that it started to feel right again. To feel safe and whole.

It was a great night with a great friend. And it was nice to be true to myself and be accepted.  

Let's Get Real

I have a harder time writing when I'm happy, which is actually quite sad. But it is the truth. I find myself searching for something to write about instead of just writing about why I am so happy. I find that readership of my sadder, more "real" blog entries is significantly higher than those that are more positive. Perhaps people are searching for comfort in the honesty and openness of my struggles. Or maybe it is just the specific topic that draws people in. I haven't really examined any of the data to make a truly educated guess.

So here is a real topic for you to ponder... moving on and embracing change. Moving on is a reoccurring theme in my life these days and is something I think I am becoming pretty good at. I am trying my hardest to embrace the change and the new aspects of my life. In round two of my life I am working hard to be less of a control freak. Don't get me wrong, I still can't stand waiting until the last minute to confirm plans or the feeling of being unprepared for an event. I am still very much so afraid of the unknown. The difference is I am trying to harness that fear and use it to get past my hurdles.

Since I've been on my own I have decided that the only way to truly change is to force myself to do all the things I am afraid of and put myself in uncomfortable situations. Here's a little secret about me... I used to hate the unknown and the possibilities of awkward run-ins with old friends so much I would wait in the car if I was meeting a friend somewhere until I knew that they were already there. I would fill up my schedule so I was always doing something with someone so I never had to be alone. I lacked confidence and strength.

Today I am a different woman. I actually enjoy a night to myself, not all the time of course, but every now and then I think it is refreshing to jump in the car, grab a bite to eat alone, and take a drive. I like to be left with my thoughts (provided they are not self defeating and negative). I think it is healthy to be comfortable in your own skin. I also force myself to take part in social gatherings and situations that I would instinctively shy away from and engage in conversation with strangers whenever I get the chance.

I don't want to be held back by my own irrational fears and lack of confidence. I want to live a happy life and be able to show my friends and those around me who I truly am inside. There are very few people I really let in. I have a pretty tall wall up around me keeping me safe and protected from judgements and peoples unnecessary cruelty. But my wall has a hard time discerning between those who are hurtful and those who care. A wall is a wall and once it is up it prevents anyone, even those with the best of intentions and care, out of my life and it becomes impossible to make real connections.

In moving on I am also moving forward. I am scared of starting over and letting those in who really care, but I also very excited about it. I enjoy the process of being open and honest about what I feel and what I think with those I care about. I am learning a lot from being able to share the process of healing and rebuilding through this blog. Writing it out and telling my story makes me feel less alone and takes the sting out of being thirty one years old and starting life over again. It makes it so much easier to know that I have people in my corner and that possibly I am helping them go through their own journey.

I can only say for sure that I am who I am. I work hard to stay in shape and hope to become even stronger and more beautiful as I age. I try to learn as much as I can and educate myself to be even smarter. I want to surround myself with those who make me laugh and smile so I always have a happy, light heart. I try to give back to people I care about, being there as a shoulder to cry on and a comfort. I am working on being a better friend, daughter, more loving, more gentle, more understanding, much more patient.

Life isn't easy right now, but I know I am moving on; changing; moving forward. Growing. Loving. And I know I am cared for.

What's It Going To Take?

I think I'm more excited that today is Saturday than yesterday's Valentines Day holiday. I am so happy to have a few days off even if it's full of homework and chores. At least it's my time and it's stress free.

Last week was chalked full of negative every and bad vibes and it really got to me. My only recourse  was to shut up and quietly plug away to get through my days. I hate weeks like that because I generally love being at work and enjoy what I do. But weeks full of bad attitudes and people rushing around with a sense of secretive urgency really start to wear you down. 

I got up this morning slowly after finally sleeping in and thought about how it's almost been 1 year since I turned 30 and since I made the choice to be completely sober. It's amazing how quickly time has passed and just how much has gone on during that time. Being back in school is bringing up reminiscent memories of the first try at college and the fun times with my crazy friends in my early 20's. I miss the parties and being completely uninhibited, the laughter and that larger than life feeling. 

I've spent the year struggling to find my place. It's been a very difficult year with a lot of change. I am finally feeling comfortable in my own skin like I am a new me that I am okay with. I don't worry about being out at a bar as much and am okay saying no to a drink without feeling fearful. Sure I miss it and have a feeling I always will, but I'm okay with that as long as I get support where I need it. 

As my birthday approaches in a few months I can't help but feel restless and refuse to let any more unproductive time pass me by. I'm not wasting a second. I have a lot of emotion in my little body and I'm going to start showing it, in a good way. 

How many of you feel like you want to change something about yourself but don't have a clue where to start? Or you just don't try because it seems like too much of an uphill battle? 

The best place to start is anywhere. If your goal is losing weight, just start making better choices with food and exercise. It is so easy to accept the status quo and just exist, but I ask you this... Is just existing really living? I sure don't think so.

Life isn't a cake walk for me right now. Our business is struggling a bit, my mom is still trying to recover from a major injury, my grandma is dying, two of Toms uncles have incurable cancer, marriage isn't always easy, etc. But that is life; there will always be things to work on or have to fight through. I am not letting it stop me!

Are you? 

Maybe It's Me

One thing that really pisses me off is lack of communication. It's so frustrating when someone is clearly affected by something and instead of addressing the issues or even acknowledging it, they just isolate. No awareness for how they affect those around them. They may not purposefully be distant, distracted, crabby, argumentative, what have you, but they are and that takes a toll on those around them. Especially those who care to help. So many people do this!

Being a naturally more emotional person, I am more greatly affected by these types of people. I hate feeling shut out by them feeling shut down. I don't deserve that. No one does. Internalizing isn't healthy; I should know from years of experience.

I have little tolerance for stupid at the moment. Of course I will not be outright bitchy to someone because they aren't doing things right or have limited comprehension; but inside I want to scream. I hate having to do twice the work to make up for some one's shortcomings or inability to listen.

But feeling like complete shit because communication is void and you're left in the dark feeling like you did something to deserve being shut out is way worse. Wondering why you are being treated so coldly and what changed in the course of a day sucks. Some one's bad mood taken out on you even if by lack of communication is the absolute worst. 

I may be shy to speak my opinion or new idea, but I will always tell you how I feel. You may not like what I have to say, but I'll never leave you hanging. I will let my bad days show; I am not perfect. But you will know if it is you or not that caused it because I will tell you. If I fuck up, tell me I fucked up. If you are upset be upfront. 

Maybe I'm doing things wrong - maybe I'm reading into things. Maybe I'm more observant to things people aren't even aware they are putting out there. Maybe they don't care about me as much as I think. Maybe I'm projecting. Maybe quiet time isn't a bad thing. Maybe I'm being a little kid feeling a lack of attention. Maybe it's me. 

I wish my mind would shut up and shut down and stop worrying. Stop working so hard; stop sabotaging my self esteem. I wish, I wish, I wish for more communication...

A Child's Mind

I have limited experience with children. I was raised an only child and do not have many relatives or friends with children. It wasn't until recently that I learned I have half siblings, with one as young as six turning seven. Initially I felt awkward around her, difficult to relate and unsure how to communicate. But as time passed and we saw each other more frequently things began to feel like second nature.

I spent time with my biological mother and her two daughters last night. One girl is 14 almost 15 and the other is almost 7. They are both incredible children; the almost 15 year old reminds me of my spirit and style when I was her age in the 90's. She wears the same Doc Martins as I once wore she has the same witty sarcasm that catches me off guard often. She is also beautiful. Beautiful, thick brown hair, perfect complexion, skinny little body. Kind hearted, sensitive, creative; she is incredible. 

The almost 6 year old is hilarious. An old soul and a true comedian, she is nonstop energy. I am not sure where she gets most of her material, which is well beyond comprehension of most of her peers. She is loving and timid yet outgoing and shameless at the same time. Also incredible. 

Any how, the reason I'm telling you all this is because of a question raised by the almost 7 year old in the car about grandma and her memory. The girls have a great grandma who is 92 years old and recently suffered a broken shoulder as a result of a fall in the shower. As my biological mom explained to me the situation and how dementia has made it very difficult for great grandma to cope with her injury, the almost 7 year old asked why great grandma forgets. She asked with such worry and sensitivity in her voice. To this question my biological mom explained that sometimes when you grow old your memory does not work as well as it once did. She told her that it is hard for great grandma to remember where she is and that scares her. The almost six year old asked if she is all alone and was reassured that she always has someone who loves her by her side. Feeling more confident that great grandma is being cared for she then asked why grandma doesn't have problems remembering because she is also old. The concept of dementia was then further explained in as simple terms as possible. 

There was no trouble comprehending. The almost 7 year old understood. It was incredible to witness this exchange and was a very important moment in her growth. I do not remember anyone explaining to me my grandfathers condition of Acromegaly when I was 5 when he finally died. I only remember grandpa looking funny and unable to verbally communicate. No one answered my questions about my fathers heart condition or triple bypass surgery when I was 9.

I was no longer afraid to have adult conversations with the little one. She can handle it all. 

I am so lucky to have such intelligent and dynamic half sisters. For the remainder of the evening we laughed like crazy and sang obnoxiously in the car to bad pop music. It was a perfect night and a big reminder that I am lucky to have a great extended family to top off my loving immediate family. I know I'm loved and am loving it. I am glad my life followed this path and that I am able to get to know my biological mom as a grown up; as a friend. 

It's Never Too Late My Ass

Back to my previous entry A Big Regret, I have made some bad choices that have left a negative impact on my future. For the first time in my life I am really feeling the consequences of my choices. I wish I could go back and stop myself in my tracks and reset my way of thinking to make the right decision.

I started thinking back to my past choices and what I could do now to rectify some of the wrong decisions I made and realize it is so hard, basically impossible to do some of the things I should have done before. The saying "it's never too late" is a farce! It's a lofty, positive way to make your bad decisions less painful to stomach, but honestly it is too late to do certain things now.

My choice to quit school was stupid. Listen up future leaders and decision makers - go to fucking college! It is not only vital to your future success but why struggle when you don't have to? Get your dumb asses to school! You WILL regret it if you don't. I do. It really is too late to go back; I am too busy with work; have too many other bills to pay; have a family to worry about. The school ship has sailed.

Here is another stupid one...my choice to spend almost all of my 20's making money and spending it faster than it came in on alcohol and having fun with friends. Sure I had a blast; I made some really great memories of silly nights, went on a few trips, saw a handful of rock shows. But they were all moments, nothing that was really beneficial to my future. I have nothing to show for it except some funny pictures and a few stories to tell. But the choice to blow all our money going out is why we are struggling so hard right now. And friends who partied with us then who did manage to get ahead and are more successful now had help from family. It is too late - I cannot go back and erase what has been done. I can't go back and get the money back or change my decisions. I can only move forward from here on out, which I have been doing for several years now, but I will always be playing catch up.

My father used to say to my grandma "Erin will get there, she just has to do things her way on her terms, have patience with her." While I am kind of offended because it makes me sound slightly "special", it is sadly true. I do things the way that makes sense for me, when I am ready, when I decide its time. This way of living is detrimental. I used to think it was admirable and showed maturity or determination. It doesn't. It is stupid and holds you back. There will always be people smarter than you, with more experience or education, that can help guide you if you let them. So let them! If someone tells you to stay in school because you will regret it and will struggle, it's true so listen! If someone shows you an easier way to do something try it their way; it will most likely work and save you a hell of a lot of trouble! 

I have learned lessons from my bad choices, which is the only reason I am not more bitter or filled with more self anger and disappointment. I have learned, albeit the hard way, and have been able to make much better, more responsible choices as a result.