Criticism is a Bitch

I just wrote an entire blog that got deleted before I could save, so I'll try to get it all down this time around...

Criticism is a bitch! In all forms that it comes. I didn't realize until today how that is the one part of the creative aspect of my job that I dislike. This is not a complaint in anyway, please understand that I'm just making an observation. 

Making an ad from layout to completion is like a piece of art. It's hard to go back and forth, edit after edit, and still have some semblance of self identity in it. It's hard to accept critique of something creative. It's a bit personal. 

It's also funny that as my career progresses I am finding I enjoy the administrative aspects of my career much more. But don't get me wrong; there is plenty of room for criticism in this area as well. Here's an example...

Today I was told that I need to sound more welcoming or friendly when I answer my phone. Boy did that sting. Ego is bruised a bit! My cheeks are actually blushing with embarrassment as I write this out. But instead of defending my position for a less than cheery disposition, I sucked it up and blew off the pit of frustration in my stomach. I didn't explain that it is not always so easy to be little miss sunshine all the time and every different reason for what could go on in my day to cause this. There is no reason to stand and say all this because at the end of the day I CAN BE BETTER. We all can! And should! 

The only one at fault for me feeling like shit now is me. Because I wasn't giving it 100% all the time. I slipped up. Of course we aren't always going to be perfect - we aren't machines. I just feel like I've let myself down and feel like I should express things that effect me that others do in a constructive fashion more often then just letting them off the hook or turning a blind eye. 

I'm having a tough time at the moment and am in need of a "you're kicking ass", "you're of value", "you are not completely failing" type of pick me up. I feel like I'm taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back these days and I am trying so hard to get it right. 

I want more responsibility not in the quantity of tasks, but the importance of job duties. I want to excel and help the team grow as well. But I have to prove I can do it - you don't just get something because you want it; you gotta work it!

Criticism on a personal level is tough. No one wants to be told the aren't loving in the right way or they aren't bring romantic enough. It's hard to accept what a friend tells you as just observation when they say you need to be there more. It's difficult any way it's dealt and it takes true character, strength and diplomacy to be able to take it in and grow from it. 

On the up side I'm feeling very positive about the direction I'm going physically. My body is responding so well to all my hard work at the gym and eating right! I'm starting to feel sexy and really mean it when I say it! Last night driving home from a hard workout I rocked out stripper dance style to Ohh La La by Goldfrapp. I felt the beat deep in my veins and felt like a million bucks! 

I hope my mind will catch up to my physical confidence. I want to be the total package. I want to be the best. I want criticism to roll off my back and not embarrass me. 

Happy hump day my lovely readers! Turn on your favorite jam and dance it out like a stripper! Work it and feel sexy!

Holy Shit! I'm NOT Fat!

Here I am on the eve of Thanksgiving running on the elliptical. I am so thankful to be healthy enough to bust my ass at the gym. I speak negatively about my weight a lot, calling myself fat or thick, but today I actually stopped to really look at myself in the full length mirror in the gym locker room. 

I stood there in a sports bra and knee length running tights, shoes and ankle socks. I studied the curve of my hips and the roundness of my butt. I took note of my waistline, the increased flatness of my stomach, the beginning formation of upper abdominals. I noticed my boobs actually look bigger as I get skinnier because they just won't get any smaller but everything else around them is shrinking. And you know what? I'm ok with it! I stood there looking at myself head on, turned to the side, back to head on. I wasn't appalled. I was content. I see progress and came to a healthy realization... Holy shit! I'm NOT fat!! I am not bad.

Today I run with a bit more bounce in my step because I know all this hard work is paying off. As I run I focus on the curve of my waist and feel accomplished as th sweat trails down the small of my back. I feel every muscle in my butt activate, pushing myself harder and closer to the skinny, sexy me. Or I should  say skinnier and sexier. 

I had a good day today, making up for the past few not so enjoyable ones this week. I needed a day like today to bring me out of the fog; out of feeling pushed out, stepped on, treated badly. My husband put it best last night - there is always going to be someone playing the game. They may play dirty, they may play it better than you, they may win. It isn't the rest of your life and it's only a sign of their insecurities and feelings of threat because of you. So really, you win in the end. 

To fill you all in quickly, what I'm referring to is a coworker invited me to a birthday celebration for my boss. They invited me on a Friday and on Monday uninvited me then had the nerve to ask me if I could coordinate the reservations. If I'm not invited I'm not invited - not the issue. The issue is the nerve of retracting an invite and then asking me to plan it. Screw you! While I shouldn't, I do take it personally because of the snide comments the week before like "I see you didn't do anything to your hair today" or "you feeling ok? You are loosing an awful lot of weight!" Or my personal favorite conversational exchange... 

Coworker: what are you doing for lunch?

Me: boss and I are going to lunch.

Coworker: again? You two sure go to lunch a lot.

Me: excuse me? 

Coworker: seems like you go a lot.

I think she is professionally trained in passive aggressive conversation. I know it comes from deep seeded insecurities but man does it sting. All joking aside, it really hurts my feelings and devalues me professionally and personally. It makes me sad. 

But I'm past it. I know my value and as I run right now with sweat dripping down my chest I wash away all the bad feelings and negativity. I breathe in happy thoughts of those who love me, respect me, know my potential. I breathe out the anger and disappointment. The burning of my muscles means I'm running towards a brighter, happier, more fulfilling future without the negativity to bog me down. 

I'm thankful for great days like today and the possibilities for even better days to come.