Thankfulness

Thanksgiving is this Thursday and the closer it gets the more I contemplate the idea of thankfulness and reflect on the past year. Being completely honest, I have really struggled to recognize the things in my life that I am thankful for this past year. I have been completely consumed by all of the change that has taken place and have had a difficult time seeing past my own negativity, self doubt, fears and emotions.

Last night I did a five minute grounding meditation, aware of my body and the tension I store in different places, connecting to the front and back of my body, in tune with the rhythm of my breath. I let my mind wander to all that I want to move past and then beyond that, to all that I am thankful for currently in the present moment. With each deep breath in I thought about something I was working towards, and as I let each breath out, I expelled any worry or fear I have in accomplishing my goal.

Today I am thankful for a second chance. I am thankful for everything that has happened in my life, even the painful moments and tragic losses. As a little girl, I remember laying in my ivory metal trundle bed looking up at the stars peeking through the trees outside my window, thinking about my adult life. I imagined I would be happily married with children of my own, a big brown dog, fun afternoons filled with family outings and home cooked family dinners. I had the idea that I would have a typical traditional lifestyle. My dream did not include losing my dad within three months of a diagnosis of terminal brain cancer at 20 years old or getting divorced at 31 and starting over, with limited savings and a tiny apartment. My dream didn't include losing half of my family after my father passed away due to irreconcilable differences. The vision I had for my future definitely did not include struggling this much.

But today, instead of looking at this struggle and all the pain as a negative thing, I approach it a bit differently. Everything that has happened in my life, for better or worse, has shaped me. The struggle has made me stronger and self sufficient. I have survived and will continue, regardless of how much shit is thrown at me along the way.

This weekend I had a conversation with someone about what we give up when we get into a relationship and losing track of parts of our personality that we used to love. It is unfortunate, but this happens more often than not. Often times we meet someone and fall in love, doing whatever it takes to be with them, even if that means giving up hobbies or parts of our identity that make us who we are. Its a huge sacrifice to make, and not necessarily a good one. I am so thankful for a second chance to be able to rebuild my identity and find the things that make me happy, that I love to be a part of and feel passionate for. I am thankful for being able to start over and choose for me what it is I want to do with my life. In discussing this my friend recalls parts of who he was years ago before getting married that he really enjoyed about himself, yet over time as a sacrifice he made for his relationship, that guy ceased to exist. I can relate to this, as who I am today is a more rigid, mature and focused version of the girl I was when I first started dating my ex. I have lost the spontaneity and creativity that I once had and loved about myself. I was never this much in my own head and feel like I've really lost touch of the things I am passionate about.

Sometimes we need someone in our lives to remind us that we were once happy. To give us that slap in the face wake up call, showing us that we were once a happier person, loving life and finding enjoyment in a great many things. Sometimes we need to close our own eyes and look at our lives through the lens of someone else. I hope my friend can remember what he was told, seeing the great attributes of the man he once was, and is able to get back to the time he was most content. I wish for him and anyone else going through pain the ability to accept these situations for what they are and move past them, finding a new way of living happily, working towards a better future.

To conclude this entry, I have made a list of what I am thankful for this holiday season:

• I am thankful for the ability to start over, alive and healthy, and work towards a good future.
• I am thankful for my family (what is left of it) and my dear friends who have been my lifeline through all this change.
• I am thankful for my job, providing me a decent income to sustain and start over financially
• I am thankful for my health, both physical and mental.
• I am thankful for my emotions, while it may not always be easy to process, I am still able to feel and would rather feel something even pain than feel nothing at all.
• I am thankful for connectivity, being able to find someone who thinks like I do, understands, and appreciates the world in a way similar to myself.
• I am thankful for new beginnings, learning to trust and love again.
• I am thankful for my past, because without it I would not be who I am today.
• I am thankful for my future, and the endless possibilities.
• I am thankful for those who read my writing.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Wishing you the best this holiday season.

Dragging Ass and Taking Names

I'm exhausted this morning. Really dragging ass. It was one of those nights where it felt like I slept for only an hour. However, I am not too tired to be excited that after today I am off from work for a week. I am really looking forward to this time to sleep a bit more and hopefully have a little bit of fun. I am going to have to dedicate some time to school work and moving, which I know sounds like a lot, but I really want to make a conscious effort to put my phone down and have fun.

I remember as a kid I looked forward to vacation and the holidays. I used to get so excited for time away from school and would count down the days until vacation began. Even if I was doing nothing but spending time outside playing in the neighborhood, I was still excited for the free time and the possibilities. Every year I looked forward to the holidays, especially Thanksgiving and New Years. I really enjoyed the feeling of the holiday spirit; the time with family and friends and all the delicious food. There was a certain electricity that came with the family getting together for the holidays and as I got older the feelings of family and friends became even more important. When my dad passed away everything changed. The Jewish holidays in particular were no longer celebrated. Thanksgiving with my side of the family became practically nonexistent. Every year from his passing on forward Thanksgiving and Christmas were celebrated with my ex's family. I lost touch of my own.

This year I have even less excitement or anticipation for the holidays. I feel a great void when it comes to my family and find myself still wishing things had gone differently. I know that wishing for something like that does no one any good. Stomping my foot on the ground and yelling "ITS NOT FAIR" is not an option for a 31 year old adult. But it isn't fair. Life is really not fair.

This year I am also alone. The Jewish holidays were hard enough. Since I did not create a family of my own, I have no children to share in the joys of the holiday. Since I am no longer married, I have no spouse to ring in the new year with. Since I have no siblings, there is no house full of familiar faces to share Thanksgiving dinner with. I will have to learn how to have a holiday on my own. Make it in my own way.

I know this blog entry was originally about my vacation, but it is hardly that. I can't exactly call it a vacation because I still have all this on my mind. It is like a mental break. It is a short period of time to disappear, get things done, and be with those I care about and forget the upcoming holidays that really get me down. It is a much needed break in the chaos.

I am really dragging ass today. But I will get through it and get everything accomplished so I can disappear into my five days off, getting lost in time with those I enjoy and moving into a calmer, happier place. Today I am dragging ass and taking names.

Holy Shit! I'm NOT Fat!

Here I am on the eve of Thanksgiving running on the elliptical. I am so thankful to be healthy enough to bust my ass at the gym. I speak negatively about my weight a lot, calling myself fat or thick, but today I actually stopped to really look at myself in the full length mirror in the gym locker room. 

I stood there in a sports bra and knee length running tights, shoes and ankle socks. I studied the curve of my hips and the roundness of my butt. I took note of my waistline, the increased flatness of my stomach, the beginning formation of upper abdominals. I noticed my boobs actually look bigger as I get skinnier because they just won't get any smaller but everything else around them is shrinking. And you know what? I'm ok with it! I stood there looking at myself head on, turned to the side, back to head on. I wasn't appalled. I was content. I see progress and came to a healthy realization... Holy shit! I'm NOT fat!! I am not bad.

Today I run with a bit more bounce in my step because I know all this hard work is paying off. As I run I focus on the curve of my waist and feel accomplished as th sweat trails down the small of my back. I feel every muscle in my butt activate, pushing myself harder and closer to the skinny, sexy me. Or I should  say skinnier and sexier. 

I had a good day today, making up for the past few not so enjoyable ones this week. I needed a day like today to bring me out of the fog; out of feeling pushed out, stepped on, treated badly. My husband put it best last night - there is always going to be someone playing the game. They may play dirty, they may play it better than you, they may win. It isn't the rest of your life and it's only a sign of their insecurities and feelings of threat because of you. So really, you win in the end. 

To fill you all in quickly, what I'm referring to is a coworker invited me to a birthday celebration for my boss. They invited me on a Friday and on Monday uninvited me then had the nerve to ask me if I could coordinate the reservations. If I'm not invited I'm not invited - not the issue. The issue is the nerve of retracting an invite and then asking me to plan it. Screw you! While I shouldn't, I do take it personally because of the snide comments the week before like "I see you didn't do anything to your hair today" or "you feeling ok? You are loosing an awful lot of weight!" Or my personal favorite conversational exchange... 

Coworker: what are you doing for lunch?

Me: boss and I are going to lunch.

Coworker: again? You two sure go to lunch a lot.

Me: excuse me? 

Coworker: seems like you go a lot.

I think she is professionally trained in passive aggressive conversation. I know it comes from deep seeded insecurities but man does it sting. All joking aside, it really hurts my feelings and devalues me professionally and personally. It makes me sad. 

But I'm past it. I know my value and as I run right now with sweat dripping down my chest I wash away all the bad feelings and negativity. I breathe in happy thoughts of those who love me, respect me, know my potential. I breathe out the anger and disappointment. The burning of my muscles means I'm running towards a brighter, happier, more fulfilling future without the negativity to bog me down. 

I'm thankful for great days like today and the possibilities for even better days to come.