Holy Shit! I'm NOT Fat!

Here I am on the eve of Thanksgiving running on the elliptical. I am so thankful to be healthy enough to bust my ass at the gym. I speak negatively about my weight a lot, calling myself fat or thick, but today I actually stopped to really look at myself in the full length mirror in the gym locker room. 

I stood there in a sports bra and knee length running tights, shoes and ankle socks. I studied the curve of my hips and the roundness of my butt. I took note of my waistline, the increased flatness of my stomach, the beginning formation of upper abdominals. I noticed my boobs actually look bigger as I get skinnier because they just won't get any smaller but everything else around them is shrinking. And you know what? I'm ok with it! I stood there looking at myself head on, turned to the side, back to head on. I wasn't appalled. I was content. I see progress and came to a healthy realization... Holy shit! I'm NOT fat!! I am not bad.

Today I run with a bit more bounce in my step because I know all this hard work is paying off. As I run I focus on the curve of my waist and feel accomplished as th sweat trails down the small of my back. I feel every muscle in my butt activate, pushing myself harder and closer to the skinny, sexy me. Or I should  say skinnier and sexier. 

I had a good day today, making up for the past few not so enjoyable ones this week. I needed a day like today to bring me out of the fog; out of feeling pushed out, stepped on, treated badly. My husband put it best last night - there is always going to be someone playing the game. They may play dirty, they may play it better than you, they may win. It isn't the rest of your life and it's only a sign of their insecurities and feelings of threat because of you. So really, you win in the end. 

To fill you all in quickly, what I'm referring to is a coworker invited me to a birthday celebration for my boss. They invited me on a Friday and on Monday uninvited me then had the nerve to ask me if I could coordinate the reservations. If I'm not invited I'm not invited - not the issue. The issue is the nerve of retracting an invite and then asking me to plan it. Screw you! While I shouldn't, I do take it personally because of the snide comments the week before like "I see you didn't do anything to your hair today" or "you feeling ok? You are loosing an awful lot of weight!" Or my personal favorite conversational exchange... 

Coworker: what are you doing for lunch?

Me: boss and I are going to lunch.

Coworker: again? You two sure go to lunch a lot.

Me: excuse me? 

Coworker: seems like you go a lot.

I think she is professionally trained in passive aggressive conversation. I know it comes from deep seeded insecurities but man does it sting. All joking aside, it really hurts my feelings and devalues me professionally and personally. It makes me sad. 

But I'm past it. I know my value and as I run right now with sweat dripping down my chest I wash away all the bad feelings and negativity. I breathe in happy thoughts of those who love me, respect me, know my potential. I breathe out the anger and disappointment. The burning of my muscles means I'm running towards a brighter, happier, more fulfilling future without the negativity to bog me down. 

I'm thankful for great days like today and the possibilities for even better days to come.