Go Figure?

I keep starting the same sentence over and over and delete it because it just doesn't seem right.

I've been in a reclusive, irritable mood for a few weeks for several reasons. I think at this point I just want someone to figure it out, figure me out. I am being a baby.

Plain and simple, here is why: 

- My dads birthday was yesterday and I miss him like crazy. It hurts deep, burning a hole in my heart. I need him more than ever with all that's going on in my life and I can't have him there. I am sad and still, 10 years later, mourning the loss. 

- I started school and it's a lot of work. It's challenging and I don't want to screw up. I don't want to be anything less than perfect and I am trying to reconcile that. I'm stressed and worried.

- My marriage has it's ups and downs and that is also stressful. I'm scared.

- There have been a few people lately who have been pushing my buttons; selfish, ignorant, constantly complaining. They have been rude and have taken advantage of my friendship. My feelings are hurt.

- Ready for another heavy one? I attended this seminar I hosted that covered advance health care directives and I filled one out for myself. It got me thinking about the ways I may die and who would be my advocate if I couldn't speak for myself. I realized I have no one in my life. I got stuck on this question, question number one. I am feeling lonely and sad.

- I really want to smoke and drink; big time. I keep working out harder the more I crave. I keep constantly distracting myself. I am taking it one day at a time. I'm exhausted!

- I've been feeling ignored and unimportant to pretty much everyone. I'm sick of being flaked on; sick of lonely solo lunches; sick of feeling isolated. I know part of it is me, but not all of it. I need to know I matter.

I have to regain composure and find my patience again. I am the only one to blame - I took all this on. I knew what I was getting myself in to with every choice I made. I can also fix it.

I will keep on keeping on because I can. I joke around a lot because it's safe, but there is a deeper, more sensitive side to me. Guess I should show it more if I want people to figure me out. 

Have a Drink On Me

I have been quite a homebody lately, for the better part of this year really. Besides general laziness and a negative body image, I have really been avoiding situations like happy hours, dinners, etc. I try to make an effort once in a while to go out with a group of friends, but have been having a hard time doing anything social when alcohol is involved. Please note this is not a cry for help or anything like that - it's just me being honest about one of the things I think about of deal with in my life...

I decided drinking was not worth what happens to me the following day...scratch that, the following week. One beer, two drinks, eight drinks, it doesn't matter how much I consume, I am undoubtedly left with serious depression the next day that lasts through the week. I tried different alcohols thinking it may change the result, but still depression followed. It took a long time but I realized eventually that the only solution was not drinking. 

It's amazing how hard it can be to NOT drink once you make a rule for yourself that you are not allowed to. I have never wanted to drink more socially then now that I know I can't. It's the whole want what you can't have mentality. 

But the hardest is the fear of peer pressure or the line of questions about why I'm not drinking. Am I pregnant? Am I in recovery? Am I on a diet? All answers are no, but honestly it's no ones business why and shouldn't be any one's concern. I know I can't keep avoiding going out because I love my friends dearly and want to spend time with them. And it's simply not healthy. It's a cop out and total avoidance instead of facing my issues head on and taking control of the reins on my life. 

I realize that the questions from people come from two places - one, legitimate concern and curiosity and two, worry about why they feel they need to drink if I'm not. I think it makes people uneasy and causes them to look at their own choices and consider why they drink. I can say this - I made my choice for myself. I want to be a happier, healthier version of myself. I want to get my shit under control and live in a positive way. I don't want to knowingly cause myself more bad days where I feel low. I don't want to waste any more money on something that brings me down. I want a clean, healthy, happy life. 

Sure I miss it all - partying, drinking, smoking, the rock star lifestyle workout the talent. But I love my life now more. I love myself more and want to build a healthier life. I just hope to have the support of the friends in my life and happy times to come.