Go Figure?

I keep starting the same sentence over and over and delete it because it just doesn't seem right.

I've been in a reclusive, irritable mood for a few weeks for several reasons. I think at this point I just want someone to figure it out, figure me out. I am being a baby.

Plain and simple, here is why: 

- My dads birthday was yesterday and I miss him like crazy. It hurts deep, burning a hole in my heart. I need him more than ever with all that's going on in my life and I can't have him there. I am sad and still, 10 years later, mourning the loss. 

- I started school and it's a lot of work. It's challenging and I don't want to screw up. I don't want to be anything less than perfect and I am trying to reconcile that. I'm stressed and worried.

- My marriage has it's ups and downs and that is also stressful. I'm scared.

- There have been a few people lately who have been pushing my buttons; selfish, ignorant, constantly complaining. They have been rude and have taken advantage of my friendship. My feelings are hurt.

- Ready for another heavy one? I attended this seminar I hosted that covered advance health care directives and I filled one out for myself. It got me thinking about the ways I may die and who would be my advocate if I couldn't speak for myself. I realized I have no one in my life. I got stuck on this question, question number one. I am feeling lonely and sad.

- I really want to smoke and drink; big time. I keep working out harder the more I crave. I keep constantly distracting myself. I am taking it one day at a time. I'm exhausted!

- I've been feeling ignored and unimportant to pretty much everyone. I'm sick of being flaked on; sick of lonely solo lunches; sick of feeling isolated. I know part of it is me, but not all of it. I need to know I matter.

I have to regain composure and find my patience again. I am the only one to blame - I took all this on. I knew what I was getting myself in to with every choice I made. I can also fix it.

I will keep on keeping on because I can. I joke around a lot because it's safe, but there is a deeper, more sensitive side to me. Guess I should show it more if I want people to figure me out.