Go Figure?

I keep starting the same sentence over and over and delete it because it just doesn't seem right.

I've been in a reclusive, irritable mood for a few weeks for several reasons. I think at this point I just want someone to figure it out, figure me out. I am being a baby.

Plain and simple, here is why: 

- My dads birthday was yesterday and I miss him like crazy. It hurts deep, burning a hole in my heart. I need him more than ever with all that's going on in my life and I can't have him there. I am sad and still, 10 years later, mourning the loss. 

- I started school and it's a lot of work. It's challenging and I don't want to screw up. I don't want to be anything less than perfect and I am trying to reconcile that. I'm stressed and worried.

- My marriage has it's ups and downs and that is also stressful. I'm scared.

- There have been a few people lately who have been pushing my buttons; selfish, ignorant, constantly complaining. They have been rude and have taken advantage of my friendship. My feelings are hurt.

- Ready for another heavy one? I attended this seminar I hosted that covered advance health care directives and I filled one out for myself. It got me thinking about the ways I may die and who would be my advocate if I couldn't speak for myself. I realized I have no one in my life. I got stuck on this question, question number one. I am feeling lonely and sad.

- I really want to smoke and drink; big time. I keep working out harder the more I crave. I keep constantly distracting myself. I am taking it one day at a time. I'm exhausted!

- I've been feeling ignored and unimportant to pretty much everyone. I'm sick of being flaked on; sick of lonely solo lunches; sick of feeling isolated. I know part of it is me, but not all of it. I need to know I matter.

I have to regain composure and find my patience again. I am the only one to blame - I took all this on. I knew what I was getting myself in to with every choice I made. I can also fix it.

I will keep on keeping on because I can. I joke around a lot because it's safe, but there is a deeper, more sensitive side to me. Guess I should show it more if I want people to figure me out. 

Sensitive Flower

It's really frustrating when you end up on the crossfire of someones bad mood. When you end up bearing the brunt of their attitude. I am the first to admit that I've done this to many innocent victims.

My natural inclination is to think everything is personal; that if someone is not overly chatty then I must have done something wrong; that if someone snaps at me or has an elevated tone it must be a result of something I did. I'm fucking sensitive!

That's why I hate being snapped at. I don't know what to do with someone in this situation and instantly get a flush, nervous feeling and a fast heartbeat. My blood pressure spikes and my mind goes into overdrive. I feel like crying and don't know what to do to make it better. I feel like a kid at a core level who just wants to say "I'm sorry, please don't hate me" so things go back to normal.

And what if someone was already stressed out and thus overly sensitive as a result and it was something I said that triggered the bad mood and angry reaction? How do you come back from that? I'm just left feeling like a complete ass hat and have to wait it out. 

I wish people communicated more openly, myself included. I wish people were open to say something like "hey, I'm in a bad mood" or "excuse my distance, I'm under a lot of pressure right now." Maybe even a little confirmation like "it's not you or anything you did, it's something I'm going through right now." 

I try to be open with the people I'm closest to and make an effort to be forthcoming with my mood and aware of how it affects them. I really try to vocalize when I'm struggling and although it is hard, I try to admit that I'm in a bad head space and that I don't mean to take it out on others.

The most amazing thing is that once I admit I'm having a hard time it's almost like that is a form of acceptance and my mood shifts. It's just the coming to terms with it that makes it a little bit better and less of a big deal. 

We all have struggles, believe me where I am at right now is no walk in the freakin park. Trying to build a business, a family, make an imprint in my career, save money, and survive is not a short order and gets me down. I can't take it out on others and have to be more aware of how my attitude affects others around me. 

At the end of the day I realize it is not a perfect world and not everyone is comfortable with their shortcomings and can admit when they are gruff or having a hard time. Not everyone is open about their feelings and how they affect others. I can only worry about me and how I react to them. I'm a sensitive flower building a stronger stem.