What's It Going To Take?

I think I'm more excited that today is Saturday than yesterday's Valentines Day holiday. I am so happy to have a few days off even if it's full of homework and chores. At least it's my time and it's stress free.

Last week was chalked full of negative every and bad vibes and it really got to me. My only recourse  was to shut up and quietly plug away to get through my days. I hate weeks like that because I generally love being at work and enjoy what I do. But weeks full of bad attitudes and people rushing around with a sense of secretive urgency really start to wear you down. 

I got up this morning slowly after finally sleeping in and thought about how it's almost been 1 year since I turned 30 and since I made the choice to be completely sober. It's amazing how quickly time has passed and just how much has gone on during that time. Being back in school is bringing up reminiscent memories of the first try at college and the fun times with my crazy friends in my early 20's. I miss the parties and being completely uninhibited, the laughter and that larger than life feeling. 

I've spent the year struggling to find my place. It's been a very difficult year with a lot of change. I am finally feeling comfortable in my own skin like I am a new me that I am okay with. I don't worry about being out at a bar as much and am okay saying no to a drink without feeling fearful. Sure I miss it and have a feeling I always will, but I'm okay with that as long as I get support where I need it. 

As my birthday approaches in a few months I can't help but feel restless and refuse to let any more unproductive time pass me by. I'm not wasting a second. I have a lot of emotion in my little body and I'm going to start showing it, in a good way. 

How many of you feel like you want to change something about yourself but don't have a clue where to start? Or you just don't try because it seems like too much of an uphill battle? 

The best place to start is anywhere. If your goal is losing weight, just start making better choices with food and exercise. It is so easy to accept the status quo and just exist, but I ask you this... Is just existing really living? I sure don't think so.

Life isn't a cake walk for me right now. Our business is struggling a bit, my mom is still trying to recover from a major injury, my grandma is dying, two of Toms uncles have incurable cancer, marriage isn't always easy, etc. But that is life; there will always be things to work on or have to fight through. I am not letting it stop me!

Are you? 

Have a Drink On Me

I have been quite a homebody lately, for the better part of this year really. Besides general laziness and a negative body image, I have really been avoiding situations like happy hours, dinners, etc. I try to make an effort once in a while to go out with a group of friends, but have been having a hard time doing anything social when alcohol is involved. Please note this is not a cry for help or anything like that - it's just me being honest about one of the things I think about of deal with in my life...

I decided drinking was not worth what happens to me the following day...scratch that, the following week. One beer, two drinks, eight drinks, it doesn't matter how much I consume, I am undoubtedly left with serious depression the next day that lasts through the week. I tried different alcohols thinking it may change the result, but still depression followed. It took a long time but I realized eventually that the only solution was not drinking. 

It's amazing how hard it can be to NOT drink once you make a rule for yourself that you are not allowed to. I have never wanted to drink more socially then now that I know I can't. It's the whole want what you can't have mentality. 

But the hardest is the fear of peer pressure or the line of questions about why I'm not drinking. Am I pregnant? Am I in recovery? Am I on a diet? All answers are no, but honestly it's no ones business why and shouldn't be any one's concern. I know I can't keep avoiding going out because I love my friends dearly and want to spend time with them. And it's simply not healthy. It's a cop out and total avoidance instead of facing my issues head on and taking control of the reins on my life. 

I realize that the questions from people come from two places - one, legitimate concern and curiosity and two, worry about why they feel they need to drink if I'm not. I think it makes people uneasy and causes them to look at their own choices and consider why they drink. I can say this - I made my choice for myself. I want to be a happier, healthier version of myself. I want to get my shit under control and live in a positive way. I don't want to knowingly cause myself more bad days where I feel low. I don't want to waste any more money on something that brings me down. I want a clean, healthy, happy life. 

Sure I miss it all - partying, drinking, smoking, the rock star lifestyle workout the talent. But I love my life now more. I love myself more and want to build a healthier life. I just hope to have the support of the friends in my life and happy times to come.