An Attempt at Slam Poetry

I have not written a blog in several years. YEARS! I can't believe it. I used to write daily or at least once a week. Then I moved. And my life was turned upside down, mostly in great ways. So here I am, done will college, and taking a creative writing class to get back into writing. This week's unit topic was Slam Poetry, Procedural Poetry, and Found Poetry. While I do not care much for Found Poems, I had never heard of them and I am sure many of you haven't either. They are basically poems that are works of writings from other sources (i.e. a newspaper, advertisement, the Bible, etc.) and are retyped into poem form, novel form, etc. The poetry is actually the process it takes to put it together into a new form, not necessarily the words itself. It all seems to artsy and obscure to me.

What I loved most this week was Slam Poetry. Think of the spoken word poem "Woman, Whoaaaa Man" in the movie So I Married an Ax Murder. Or perhaps you're familiar with the Beat Generation. All of it used to seem so cheesy and out there to me, until this class. It is beautiful and so powerful. if done right, the words flow like lyrics to a song. The sounds roll off the tongue, fly at you and hit you in the heart. There is crescendo and finality at the end that is as soothing as actual closure to something in life. It is pure art and I only wish I had the courage inside to fight the paralyzing fear I have of public speaking to be able to read my poem out loud.

So this will have to do. I will share with you my Slam Poem. It is called Your Eyes and it is pretty straight forward so I am sure you'll understand the subject. I've also included some of the other poems I wrote this week. One is a haiku and the other is a procedural poem in form of a recipe. I hope you enjoy! And I promise to begin to blog more.

Your Eyes (Slam poem by Erin Felsen)

Your eyes.

They were closed for three months but your ears,

They never stopped hearing.

Cheering for you to get better, but you disappeared.

Fear inside of me knowing that my dad would expire.

Desire.

I wanted to see you sit up in that bed.

Head to toe yourself again,

But I knew.

You.

My dad. Glad you were not going to suffer, but sad,

So sad that you were going to die.

Inside I was afraid of taking steps alone.

Home would never be just that.

What was mom going to do without you by her side.

Hiding away from the family and friends standing there, holding you.

Glued to your bedside and trying to hold back feeling the pain.

Gaining nothing by being so shut down.

Frowns on the faces of those who watched you.

You.

You took your last breath and so did I.

Died.

Fire Mouth (Haiku by Erin Felsen)

A pizza slice

It burned the roof of my tongue

Water saved me

Recipe for Bullying (Procedural poem by Erin Felsen)

Ingredients:

Judgmental mindset and an audience

A busy hallway in a high school building

Societal pressures

Cell phone

Social media account

Snappy hashtag

Bad judgement

Instructions:

1.       Show up at school and hang out in the hallway before class

2.       Notice the differences in everyone

3.       Use a dash of bad judgement to single out the lonely kid or the nerd with no friends

4.       Take out your cell phone and take a picture of said nerd and post it to your Instagram

5.       Use snappy hashtag and share your post virally with the rest of the school

Thankfulness

Thanksgiving is this Thursday and the closer it gets the more I contemplate the idea of thankfulness and reflect on the past year. Being completely honest, I have really struggled to recognize the things in my life that I am thankful for this past year. I have been completely consumed by all of the change that has taken place and have had a difficult time seeing past my own negativity, self doubt, fears and emotions.

Last night I did a five minute grounding meditation, aware of my body and the tension I store in different places, connecting to the front and back of my body, in tune with the rhythm of my breath. I let my mind wander to all that I want to move past and then beyond that, to all that I am thankful for currently in the present moment. With each deep breath in I thought about something I was working towards, and as I let each breath out, I expelled any worry or fear I have in accomplishing my goal.

Today I am thankful for a second chance. I am thankful for everything that has happened in my life, even the painful moments and tragic losses. As a little girl, I remember laying in my ivory metal trundle bed looking up at the stars peeking through the trees outside my window, thinking about my adult life. I imagined I would be happily married with children of my own, a big brown dog, fun afternoons filled with family outings and home cooked family dinners. I had the idea that I would have a typical traditional lifestyle. My dream did not include losing my dad within three months of a diagnosis of terminal brain cancer at 20 years old or getting divorced at 31 and starting over, with limited savings and a tiny apartment. My dream didn't include losing half of my family after my father passed away due to irreconcilable differences. The vision I had for my future definitely did not include struggling this much.

But today, instead of looking at this struggle and all the pain as a negative thing, I approach it a bit differently. Everything that has happened in my life, for better or worse, has shaped me. The struggle has made me stronger and self sufficient. I have survived and will continue, regardless of how much shit is thrown at me along the way.

This weekend I had a conversation with someone about what we give up when we get into a relationship and losing track of parts of our personality that we used to love. It is unfortunate, but this happens more often than not. Often times we meet someone and fall in love, doing whatever it takes to be with them, even if that means giving up hobbies or parts of our identity that make us who we are. Its a huge sacrifice to make, and not necessarily a good one. I am so thankful for a second chance to be able to rebuild my identity and find the things that make me happy, that I love to be a part of and feel passionate for. I am thankful for being able to start over and choose for me what it is I want to do with my life. In discussing this my friend recalls parts of who he was years ago before getting married that he really enjoyed about himself, yet over time as a sacrifice he made for his relationship, that guy ceased to exist. I can relate to this, as who I am today is a more rigid, mature and focused version of the girl I was when I first started dating my ex. I have lost the spontaneity and creativity that I once had and loved about myself. I was never this much in my own head and feel like I've really lost touch of the things I am passionate about.

Sometimes we need someone in our lives to remind us that we were once happy. To give us that slap in the face wake up call, showing us that we were once a happier person, loving life and finding enjoyment in a great many things. Sometimes we need to close our own eyes and look at our lives through the lens of someone else. I hope my friend can remember what he was told, seeing the great attributes of the man he once was, and is able to get back to the time he was most content. I wish for him and anyone else going through pain the ability to accept these situations for what they are and move past them, finding a new way of living happily, working towards a better future.

To conclude this entry, I have made a list of what I am thankful for this holiday season:

• I am thankful for the ability to start over, alive and healthy, and work towards a good future.
• I am thankful for my family (what is left of it) and my dear friends who have been my lifeline through all this change.
• I am thankful for my job, providing me a decent income to sustain and start over financially
• I am thankful for my health, both physical and mental.
• I am thankful for my emotions, while it may not always be easy to process, I am still able to feel and would rather feel something even pain than feel nothing at all.
• I am thankful for connectivity, being able to find someone who thinks like I do, understands, and appreciates the world in a way similar to myself.
• I am thankful for new beginnings, learning to trust and love again.
• I am thankful for my past, because without it I would not be who I am today.
• I am thankful for my future, and the endless possibilities.
• I am thankful for those who read my writing.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Wishing you the best this holiday season.

Living Out Loud

Treadmill blogging is back folks! I am at a new gym in Hollywood trying to establish a new routine and run off an emotional day. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster sitting in the front car inching my way up to the top waiting anxiously with every click of the track for the big drop. I've got Safe and Sound by Capital Cities blasting in my headphones and my heart beat pounds to the rhythm. I am running my hardest trying to sweat out what is aching.

I got a beautiful message today from an old friend about my writing. It made me feel so good to know that my writing in this blog resonates with someone and helped put a smile on their face and shed some perspective on life's challenges. It was such a compliment to know someone recognizes my bravery for living my life out loud, in the open for the world to read. It really is hard.

I also got to thinking about all that I share with everyone and the different struggles I've faced over the years. I started evaluating what I'm unhappy with. And then I started missing my dad. A lot.

I'm at a place in my life where I really need him to be here. I need my dads gentle reassurance that I haven't royally fucked up my life and that although it's really hard to recognize now, I am actually headed for greater things. I need his care and his sense of humor. I need to be cared for; a priority.

I also kick myself for always seeming so confident and strong. I never tell people the truth when they ask how I am. I give the typical canned answer - "I'm great. Things are going well." When inside, I'm scared and sad at times. I need a hug and an "it will be okay kid" pep talk just like anyone else. 

The anxiety was so strong today and all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball in front of a fireplace and go to sleep. I wanted to feel the warmth of the fire and dream of going out for lunch with my pops. I wanted to picture him telling me that he is proud of me and I haven't let everyone down. That I will be with a man who really respects and loves me and cares for me in the nurturing way I desire and deserve. That I will be financially successful and make good decisions. That I will build a life with a beautiful family. That anything can happen if I put my mind to it. That I am still his little peanut. 

And now I'm running and crying on the treadmill in the new gym. Way to make a solid first impression on all the beautiful people of Hollywood. I just don't care. I need these tears to come out. I need to release this pain that I carry with me so deep inside on a daily basis. I need to bare it all to build myself back up.

I am very honest with my emotions as raw as they may be. I made a promise to myself that I would be forthright with my feelings and truly live. So here I am. Take me for what I'm worth. I'm living out loud. 

Anxiety From The Silence

I am sitting there, yawning, exhausted, then I get into pajamas and crawl into bed and I'm wide awake. I lay here with a million thoughts running through my mind when I just want things to be quiet. I struggle to uplug; to put the phone down.

In my process of self discovery and understanding I've come to realize I am afraid that letting someone in and opening up means I will end up hurt. I hate the vulnerability that comes with sharing and expressing feelings. I don't want to be judged and worse, I don't want to be cast aside or shut out. 

Nothing worries me more than sharing something deeply personal and getting nothing in return. Getting no response. I find it hard to sit still, wondering if I'm being judged or if I've shared too much. My mind plays a cruel game against me, telling me negative thoughts like I am not going to be liked anymore or I am going to be hurt because I've opened up. I feel like I'm going to be shut down and so why even try.

These days vulnerability shows itself in the form of anxiety. I feel like I'm mentally pacing back and forth, waiting for a reply or feeling that "what did you just do?" feeling once I've let someone in. 

I just try to keep in mind that it's healthy to let people in and important to be honest. This process of learning to be a better version of myself has shown me a lot and I hope that with time I will close my eyes and fall asleep a bit easier and be more assured that letting someone in and sharing my feelings doesn't always equal something bad. 

On Life, Death and Everything In Between

Yesterday was my 100^th blog, and early this morning I decided to review some of the blogs with the highest readership. A lot has gone on this past year, and that isn’t even a full year of blogging. 100 blogs in 8 months… I never realized I had that much to say.

The trip down memory lane got me thinking about life, death and everything in between. Like almost every human being I know, I go through my rough patches which can be dark, a bit negative and hopeless. I, like any normal person, occasionally lose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel, and feel like throwing my hands up at the challenges that come my way. This blog has been a blessing – a true outlet for me to let you what I usually keep bottled up inside and in turn hopefully can help someone else going through a similar situation.

I want to impart something to you. Something I have been thinking about since early this morning. Something that may help you as you go about your days or may not and you might think I’m preachy and full of it. Take out of this what you wish, leave it if you do not care; the choice is yours.

Working in my industry and losing a parent at a young age makes me acutely aware of how fragile life really is. It can be taken at any moment. Death is obviously inevitable and can be peaceful and calm or be a very scary, painful exit. We have no meter to warn us when our time is up; no empty light or cautionary sign. We exist, day in and day out, and hope that we will be there to see the next. And most of the time we live our lives on autopilot, living out a daily routine week after week.

In looking back at my blogs I apologize for complaining about the “everything in between” as much as I have. I am lucky to have that – to have it all; the stresses, the anxiety, the drama, the loss, the pain… I am lucky to have the ability to feel, even if they are negative. We are all lucky to go through the motions, even if it is the routine of daily life.

I never thought I’d be afraid of my own death, but the thought of my mortality scares me. It is the ultimate unknown and so final. Being surrounded by death every day is not easy to adjust to. It is a daily reminder that the end may be closer than it appears. But it is also a wake-up call to me that I need to pay more attention to. I have a daily reminder right in my face telling me to slow down, lighten up, and enjoy the “everything in between.”

So I give this gift to you. Slow down! Look around and be aware. Show more appreciation for those you love and those you care for. Take in the world as it moves around you and find your balance. Worry less. Trust more. Open your heart wider and fill it with more love; more joy; more energy; more compassion. Focus less on the ugliness of others and concern yourself with improving your own inner dialogue. Judge less and help more.

I woke up today feeling anxious, fearful of my family’s financial stability, a bit low. After reading all of these blogs and the emails from some loyal readers, I feel empowered to get back on track and be a better person. I feel alive and want to live a better daily life.

I do not know when my last days will be, hopefully not any time soon. But knowing that there will be an end at some point, I will life better, love harder, be stronger and hopefully you will too.

Go Figure?

I keep starting the same sentence over and over and delete it because it just doesn't seem right.

I've been in a reclusive, irritable mood for a few weeks for several reasons. I think at this point I just want someone to figure it out, figure me out. I am being a baby.

Plain and simple, here is why: 

- My dads birthday was yesterday and I miss him like crazy. It hurts deep, burning a hole in my heart. I need him more than ever with all that's going on in my life and I can't have him there. I am sad and still, 10 years later, mourning the loss. 

- I started school and it's a lot of work. It's challenging and I don't want to screw up. I don't want to be anything less than perfect and I am trying to reconcile that. I'm stressed and worried.

- My marriage has it's ups and downs and that is also stressful. I'm scared.

- There have been a few people lately who have been pushing my buttons; selfish, ignorant, constantly complaining. They have been rude and have taken advantage of my friendship. My feelings are hurt.

- Ready for another heavy one? I attended this seminar I hosted that covered advance health care directives and I filled one out for myself. It got me thinking about the ways I may die and who would be my advocate if I couldn't speak for myself. I realized I have no one in my life. I got stuck on this question, question number one. I am feeling lonely and sad.

- I really want to smoke and drink; big time. I keep working out harder the more I crave. I keep constantly distracting myself. I am taking it one day at a time. I'm exhausted!

- I've been feeling ignored and unimportant to pretty much everyone. I'm sick of being flaked on; sick of lonely solo lunches; sick of feeling isolated. I know part of it is me, but not all of it. I need to know I matter.

I have to regain composure and find my patience again. I am the only one to blame - I took all this on. I knew what I was getting myself in to with every choice I made. I can also fix it.

I will keep on keeping on because I can. I joke around a lot because it's safe, but there is a deeper, more sensitive side to me. Guess I should show it more if I want people to figure me out. 

Relationships Are Hard

The question of care came up in a rather heated conversation with my husband tonight on my way to the gym. We've been together a decade (literally) and you would think that after all that time we would know exactly how to care for one another when we are sick or feeling low. But we don't...

He is suffering from sinus allergies or some mild head cold and as a result is incredibly irritable. I should honestly know better than to approach him with opinions or advice. It's just not received well when he's in this condition. I should know this by now, right?! But I did the exact opposite and he erupted in anger. Guess I was asking for it...?

In the thick of the angry exchange we touched upon the topic of care. I do not know how to care for him how he wants. After ten years I apparently care for him how I want to be cared for, not how HE wants. I never stopped to think I was doing it wrong; bringing him a blanket when he wants a hot meal. I have been being emotionally there for him when he wanted to get a neck massage and then to be left alone. 

It begs the question of why didn't he speak up and correct it? Why not just say what you need? It's not being polite in my opinion if you're just going to throw it back in my face in a later argument. 

To get a bit personal here, when I get my period I want to be approached gently, fed and reassured. I want love and sympathy. Until recently this was not how I was cared for and so I spoke up. He has tried really hard to care for me in a way that makes me happy that is completely opposite from his natural inclination. I need to do the same.

I think that the people we were ten years are drastically different from who we both are today and so our ways of caring need to be adjusted accordingly. I feel sadness for the argument and while I don't think it's fair to verbally lash out at someone because of feeling ill or exhausted, I should have done everything differently. 

I can't believe I'm still learning how up coexist after so many years. I can't believe that we have changed so much. This year I will work harder on recognizing other peoples needs and making sure that not only am I happy, but so are they. 

Maybe It's Me

One thing that really pisses me off is lack of communication. It's so frustrating when someone is clearly affected by something and instead of addressing the issues or even acknowledging it, they just isolate. No awareness for how they affect those around them. They may not purposefully be distant, distracted, crabby, argumentative, what have you, but they are and that takes a toll on those around them. Especially those who care to help. So many people do this!

Being a naturally more emotional person, I am more greatly affected by these types of people. I hate feeling shut out by them feeling shut down. I don't deserve that. No one does. Internalizing isn't healthy; I should know from years of experience.

I have little tolerance for stupid at the moment. Of course I will not be outright bitchy to someone because they aren't doing things right or have limited comprehension; but inside I want to scream. I hate having to do twice the work to make up for some one's shortcomings or inability to listen.

But feeling like complete shit because communication is void and you're left in the dark feeling like you did something to deserve being shut out is way worse. Wondering why you are being treated so coldly and what changed in the course of a day sucks. Some one's bad mood taken out on you even if by lack of communication is the absolute worst. 

I may be shy to speak my opinion or new idea, but I will always tell you how I feel. You may not like what I have to say, but I'll never leave you hanging. I will let my bad days show; I am not perfect. But you will know if it is you or not that caused it because I will tell you. If I fuck up, tell me I fucked up. If you are upset be upfront. 

Maybe I'm doing things wrong - maybe I'm reading into things. Maybe I'm more observant to things people aren't even aware they are putting out there. Maybe they don't care about me as much as I think. Maybe I'm projecting. Maybe quiet time isn't a bad thing. Maybe I'm being a little kid feeling a lack of attention. Maybe it's me. 

I wish my mind would shut up and shut down and stop worrying. Stop working so hard; stop sabotaging my self esteem. I wish, I wish, I wish for more communication...

Not So Great Expectations

Expectations are useless and counterproductive to living happily. I've always had high expectations for friends, family members, work situations, relationships...I think because I always try to put 100%+ of myself into everything I expect to get it back. I've over examined and dissected so many situations that whatever the outcome was didn't stand up to the perception I built up in my mind.

Sometimes I wish I could flip it and reverse it...I wish some of my crazy dreams were actual reality and my boring days or disappointments were nightmares I wake up from. 

I think high expectations are the downfall to most relationships - intimate and friendship. If you expect a person to act a certain way, do things as you do, or live up to something other than who they are naturally, it isn't going to work. If you want to change someone so much they will no longer resemble the person you were initially drawn to, what's the point in that relationship? 

I'm not saying you should throw any and all expectations out the window, I'm just saying you may consider lowering the bar. Analyze your measure that you hold everyone up to...chances are its too high. And I don't know about you but I hate feeling disappointment. 

Just because someone doesn't ask you how your weekend was after you've asked them doesn't mean they are a bad person. If someone doesn't take as much interest in you as you do in them it doesn't necessarily mean they are selfish. And it shouldn't mean you stop being you and caring; just don't expect the same back. You may be putting in too much. I know I do. I am always trying to please and feel like less than 50% of the time I get the same back. 

I understand now that that is a reflection of me and no one else. I'm always caring for someone else, going out of my way for people, offering up help for no reason,  remembering things people tell me that I file away in my memory as important to them so therefore important to me. I will remember your favorite colors. Favorite meals, stories that you've shared, fears and accomplishments; I remember it all. II will get your back in a fight and stand up for your beliefs. I am fiercely loyal. But that's me and doesn't have to be you. 

I'm not saying I'm a saint and I'm not telling you this for praise. I'm writing because its taken me a long time to understand that it's a matter of what I expect and not something others necessarily need to change. And if there are truly selfish d-bags that never ask you how you are and act like they care only long enough to talk about themselves then fuck em! Take back your care and respect and tell them to take a hike. Not worth it. 

I do not expect everyone to think or act the same. I don't think everyone will show care, love or friendship in the same way. I no longer expect phone calls or texts back, well wishes on my birthday, or even a good morning salutation.  

All I expect is decency. I expect people I care about to care for me in return. I expect those who say they are my friend to act like it. I expect my family to love me unconditionally and stand by my side. I expect people to give me archive when I ask for it but also let me try and fall and not fix me so I can learn from my mistakes. I expect genuineness and sweetness and respect. 

Share!!

I've been asked a few times how I can be comfortable writing so openly and have been commended for putting it all out there so publicly in this blog. I have been told by several people that they have shared many of the same fears or feelings I've written about and haven't been able to share it before reading my blog. I am very humbled and honored that my writing and sharing of my experiences have meant something to people. But I also say to them...share!

Of course it's not easy to open up and share the intimate fears and struggles of your life, especially in such a public forum. But your struggles, fears, frustrations, sadness, disappointments, whatever may be plaguing you must come out. It is not only unhealthy to ball everything up into a painful supernova of negative emotion, but you should have people in your life you genuinely trust that you can allow in and help you. 

Chances are if someone is close to you and willing to lay it all on the line and let you in, you are able to do the same. I have very few people in my life that I have allowed to see the true person I am, every side to me, the good, the bad and the ugly. I have a few people close enough to me to know how much I care, how truly sensitive I am, how hard I love, and how guarded I come across. 

I have made a serious effort to allow myself to trust enough to share who I am and what I am feeling. More people need to do this - let someone trying to help in, shed the tough skin and be upfront about your woes. We all have good days and shitty days, sometimes more shitty than good. But if someone lets you help them, tear down your wall and let them help you back. It has taken me a long time to realize that it is okay to feel and alright to let people in. I just wish more people would do the same. 

And also related to letting out your feelings, I have been thinking a lot about personal responsibility for our emotions and what we allow to get us down in the first place. Most of us do not seem to be aware of how much our moods affect others close to us. I am guilty of this and am trying to be more aware of how my actions or emotions affect others.

I've also realized that I have control over who I let put me in a bad mood or hurt me. It's amazing how much better life is when you realize this. You can fight me, yell, scream, jump up and down, try to push me around, get jealous, act a fool, do whatever you wish; but you are not going to get me down or break my stride. It's not worth letting my whole day turn to shit because of someone elses emotions. 

I can only control and be responsible for my own feelings and actions. I can only live my life focusing on my own fears and feelings, letting in those close to me to help me along the way. And I really need to remember not to take myself so damn seriously!

All By Myself

I am sitting by myself heaving a healthy breakfast at IHOP waiting for my car to get service. This is so foreign to me, eating alone. I don't even like the sound of the word alone...sounds so final, so dark, so harsh. I'm finding that it really isn't all that bad. It is quite enjoyable to sit and reflect and take in the moving world around me. I have been so down in the dumps and stressed out lately and it's kind of nice to get away from that and zone out at breakfast by myself. 

My first real experience eating alone was when earlier this year I decided to take a solo trip up the California coast to Morro Bay. Man was that a challenge! A good challenge that really tested my comfort zones and forced me to face my fear of independent activity. I learned that it may be awkward initially, but it gets easier and easier over time and now I am sitting here completely comfortable in my own skin. I realize no one is staring at me thinking "look at that girl all alone..." No one cares or even notices and there is something comforting in the idea that I can disappear into the atmosphere of the restaurant and just observe. 

I'm having quite an unmotivated day. My throat hurts big time and I think my stress and worry has come to a head and I am at my breaking point where all I want to do is alternate between sleeping and watching cheesy movies. I know I have to get my ass in gear and get to the gym as soon as my car is ready. I feel like I need a pep talk to walk the 6 blocks back to the dealership to pick up my car, so it's going to take everything I've got to get to the gym! Help!! 

It's funny how life can at times feel like a balancing act; a game of Jenga where at any moment if one thing is moved slightly it can all come crashing down. I know I'm being totally dramatic and that's mostly because I'm exhausted and not feeling well, but I'm trying to find a way to calm my nerves and realize it is a mere moment in time and like all other struggle in my life, this too shall pass.