F Day is an F You

Me and Dad at USC in front of the Tommy Trojan statue

F Day feels like a big F you. From the second to last week of May until the morning of F Day, my inbox if full of junk solicitations from Amazon.com, 1-800-Flowers, Create and Barrel, Target, Khols, the list goes on and on, all reminding me that I’m running out of time to get my dad something special this father’s day. I find it so hard not to be bitter that he isn’t here any longer to give him a gift. I find it hard to look past the painful reminder that my father was taken prematurely from our family and that with him went all connectivity and sense of family that we once had. Now it is just me. Me and my mom, although she hardly calls me and expects me to check up on her, and really doesn’t do much to understand what is at the core of my heart. She just isn’t that type of woman.

Typically I could avoid feeling this bad on F Day because I was able to spend the day doing something my dad used to love to do; something in honor of him. Or I could sleep the day away eating pizza and watching crappy television shows to block out the emptiness. But this year, things are different. I am literally forced to celebrate F Day by having to work, running a remembrance service for all those who have lost their fathers, grandfathers, and any important man in their life. So here I am, really sad and still devastated that my own dad, my best friend and mentor, is no longer living, and yet I have to work at the cemetery where he is not buried, hosting a remembrance service to celebrate F Day.

In an effort to find some balance and peace with the entire situation, and to properly grieve in a healthier fashion, I will list out 12 things I loved about my dad, one for each year he has been gone.

1. His spirit
2. His calming presence
3. His love and loyalty to family
4. His understanding of giving and receiving respect
5. His sense of humor and quick wit
6. His passion for his job
7. His courage, even in the final stage of his life
8. His intelligence
9. His ability to make me feel like a princess
10. His love of sports
11. The way he made little glasses on the “D” in Danny Felsen when he signed his name, so it would look just like him
12. His knack for pulling off the best pranks

My dad was and always will be the light in my heart that guides me, drives me, steers me in the right direction, and keeps me going when I want to give up. It is impossible for anyone who has not lost their parent at a young age to fully understand what it feels like to have to go on with life following their passing, and how challenging it is to literally have to grow up overnight and have no rule book to follow with guidelines and explanations making it easier to navigate life with the burden of pain and grief that you carry in your heart. The longing and deep void from his absence doesn’t go away and I feel like it in a way defines me now. When my dad died I changed and my life changed and my heart changed. I have been forever imprinted by the spirit of goodness, compassion, friendship, love and loyalty that my father had in his soul, and do whatever I can to be a good person and live up to his legacy every day.

Dad, my Tommy Trojan, my superhero, my best bud – I love you unconditionally, whether you are physically here with me or are a spirit of energy surrounding me and I navigate my way through the course of my life. I sincerely hope that I make you proud and that you know how deeply sorry I am that you got sick and that you are not here with your family. I wish there was a way to connect with you and tell you that I love you, and that I am sorry for all the shit I put you through as a crazy, chaotic and self-righteous teenager. I wish I could tell you that you were right; the tattoos were a really bad idea that I really do regret, and that I should have blindly listened to you all those times you gave me advice on my future. I wish I could laugh with you now looking back on all those times you said that I had to do things the hard way, because it was so true. Most of all, I wish I could run to you and give you a hug like I was a little girl seeing her dad pick her up from school after the first day; and never let go.

I love you today, on F Day, and every day to follow. Thank you for being the best father a girl could ask for, and even though our time was cut short, I cherish every moment and every lesson. Rest assured that you were a great father; the best in fact. And you were truly loved.

To Thine Own Self Be True?

I am at a point in my life where I am more open and honest with my friends and those I care about than I have ever been before. As I mentioned in my last blog entry, I am actively breaking down the wall I spent years constructing out of self defense. I had a great night having dinner with a dear friend, opening up and being completely myself. It feels so good to be me, for better or worse; honest about who I am and what I feel.

I have spent so long hiding. I used to shy away from discussing things that truly bothered me and realize now that really does no one any good. It is not fair to myself. I got this tattoo on my wrist several years ago that says, "to thine own self be true." It is the advice Polonius gives to his son Laertes in Act 1 of Shakespeare's Hamlet. I have forgotten to take my own advice and honor the quote I felt so important that I put it permanently on my body.

I let my guard down recently and let someone in. I am feeling vulnerable and want to know definitively that I am not going to get hurt. I want to know there is real substance and commitment. Truth be told the whole process of opening up and showing my true colors scares the shit out of me. Most people in my life, as I know I've said in my blog entries before, only get to see the parts of myself I am comfortable sharing. The parts of my personality I deem "approved." I rarely show the other parts of my personality that are more obsessive, controlling, even a bit negative. I try to keep that to myself so I do not offend or make a bad impression. So that I am not judged. But nonetheless they are a part of me and it has become clear to me recently that if I am hiding these parts of my personality there must be a good reason. I am working so hard on improving what I find unacceptable about myself or worthy of change. I want to be better. I am always trying to improve and be the best I can be. I really care a lot.

For those I have let in, you know who you are, I am who I am and I hope you take that as it is and do not abuse it. I have let you in for a reason. I am me - the good, the bad and the ugly. We are all just people trying to sort out the chaos and confusion life throws at us, trying to make the best of the cards we are dealt and build our empire. We are all trying to set examples and be leaders in our own right. I ask that you do not judge me. That you embrace the change we are all facing, with understanding. I ask that you take me with a grain of salt and treat me kindly.  I ask that you are upfront and honest even if it may be unpleasant. I ask that you be a true friend. Life has been unbalanced for a very long time and it was not until recently that it started to feel right again. To feel safe and whole.

It was a great night with a great friend. And it was nice to be true to myself and be accepted.