I am Home. I am Happy.

I am supposed to be writing two more chapters for my experiential learning portfolio for school, but the only thoughts coming to me are blog worthy. I wish that my portfolio for school could be a compilation of my blog entries. That is what truly comes from the heart and is the real learning in my life that I should be graded on. I am who I am because of every experience, good or bad. Sure, I’ve learned a lot professionally in leadership, management, marketing, team building and so on, but I have really grown as a person from what I’ve done and the people I’ve met along the way. Everything that I’ve been through has molded me into the woman I am today and has led me to where I am now.

So where am I? I am finally in a peaceful place. I am home. 

I love where I live. It took a week of adjusting to living in a smaller place, in a new area, but I can honestly say that this morning I woke up, opened my eyes, heard the sound of raindrops on the roof and the wind in the trees, and I smiled because I knew I was home. I am exactly where I should be.

I am happy.

I finally feel a calm stillness that I have been seeking for months now. My heart stopped racing (although it may be for only a short while), my mind has slowed down, my heart is warm and I genuinely love where I am. I love where I am going, both physically and emotionally. I have a whole lot of love right now and am very thankful for the love I am receiving in return.

Someone recently reached out that I was friends with a year ago. She read my blog and wrote to me on Facebook to tell me that she knows what I’m going through. She offered insightful and very helpful words of encouragement and shared her own personal journey she’s been on and the life changing events she’s faced recently. It was so nice to know that I am not alone and to get validation from someone who has been through a similar situation that I am making the right, positive choices. It meant so much to have someone reach out and share their own personal story. 

I often consider myself similar to a porcupine. Instinctively when approaching the great unknown in any situation I often put up a defense mechanism or shy away. I am afraid of what I do not know or what I cannot expect. At least, I have been this way for most of my life. But I am really sick and tired of being that way and am making a great effort to be flexible and easy going. I woke up a few months ago and realized that I have missed out on SO MUCH in life because I’ve had to control a situation. I kept myself in this limiting little box, afraid to venture out and try new things, scared to live.

Someone recently encouraged me to step outside my comfort zone and try sushi. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but for me this was huge. The thought of sushi has always repelled me, especially the raw fish part. It was overwhelming because I cannot use chopsticks to save my life and the menu is confusing. It is uncharted territory for me and that was pretty much my nightmare. It helps to have someone you genuinely trust guiding you, which I do. So we went out for sushi and I loved it. We’ve gone out to sushi twice now and in thinking about it, the experience was not only great because of the company, but it was great because I pushed myself outside of that tiny, safe box and I felt liberated.  In the past few months, as a result of this person’s encouragement, I have tried Ethiopian cuisine, Indian cuisine which I already loved, Ramin, lentils, etc. I have let go of the need to control and have trusted that I would not be forced to try something I would hate. And I have enjoyed it all! It is a big lesson to me that it is okay to step outside my comfort zone and experience new things, as long as I am with someone I trust. I don’t need to raise my quills when confronted with a new situation or something unexpected. It’s important to keep an open mind and an open heart.

Today, sitting in my living room on the bright green shag rug, with the gray sky peeking through the trees outside my window and the smell of someone’s fire place filling the air, I am at such great peace with myself. All feels right in the world again and I am looking forward to what the future holds for me. I am looking forward to the endless possibilities for new and exciting adventures, deep love and companionship, blossoming friendships, a successful career, and true happiness.

I am home. I am happy.

To Thine Own Self Be True?

I am at a point in my life where I am more open and honest with my friends and those I care about than I have ever been before. As I mentioned in my last blog entry, I am actively breaking down the wall I spent years constructing out of self defense. I had a great night having dinner with a dear friend, opening up and being completely myself. It feels so good to be me, for better or worse; honest about who I am and what I feel.

I have spent so long hiding. I used to shy away from discussing things that truly bothered me and realize now that really does no one any good. It is not fair to myself. I got this tattoo on my wrist several years ago that says, "to thine own self be true." It is the advice Polonius gives to his son Laertes in Act 1 of Shakespeare's Hamlet. I have forgotten to take my own advice and honor the quote I felt so important that I put it permanently on my body.

I let my guard down recently and let someone in. I am feeling vulnerable and want to know definitively that I am not going to get hurt. I want to know there is real substance and commitment. Truth be told the whole process of opening up and showing my true colors scares the shit out of me. Most people in my life, as I know I've said in my blog entries before, only get to see the parts of myself I am comfortable sharing. The parts of my personality I deem "approved." I rarely show the other parts of my personality that are more obsessive, controlling, even a bit negative. I try to keep that to myself so I do not offend or make a bad impression. So that I am not judged. But nonetheless they are a part of me and it has become clear to me recently that if I am hiding these parts of my personality there must be a good reason. I am working so hard on improving what I find unacceptable about myself or worthy of change. I want to be better. I am always trying to improve and be the best I can be. I really care a lot.

For those I have let in, you know who you are, I am who I am and I hope you take that as it is and do not abuse it. I have let you in for a reason. I am me - the good, the bad and the ugly. We are all just people trying to sort out the chaos and confusion life throws at us, trying to make the best of the cards we are dealt and build our empire. We are all trying to set examples and be leaders in our own right. I ask that you do not judge me. That you embrace the change we are all facing, with understanding. I ask that you take me with a grain of salt and treat me kindly.  I ask that you are upfront and honest even if it may be unpleasant. I ask that you be a true friend. Life has been unbalanced for a very long time and it was not until recently that it started to feel right again. To feel safe and whole.

It was a great night with a great friend. And it was nice to be true to myself and be accepted.  

Not So Great Expectations

Expectations are useless and counterproductive to living happily. I've always had high expectations for friends, family members, work situations, relationships...I think because I always try to put 100%+ of myself into everything I expect to get it back. I've over examined and dissected so many situations that whatever the outcome was didn't stand up to the perception I built up in my mind.

Sometimes I wish I could flip it and reverse it...I wish some of my crazy dreams were actual reality and my boring days or disappointments were nightmares I wake up from. 

I think high expectations are the downfall to most relationships - intimate and friendship. If you expect a person to act a certain way, do things as you do, or live up to something other than who they are naturally, it isn't going to work. If you want to change someone so much they will no longer resemble the person you were initially drawn to, what's the point in that relationship? 

I'm not saying you should throw any and all expectations out the window, I'm just saying you may consider lowering the bar. Analyze your measure that you hold everyone up to...chances are its too high. And I don't know about you but I hate feeling disappointment. 

Just because someone doesn't ask you how your weekend was after you've asked them doesn't mean they are a bad person. If someone doesn't take as much interest in you as you do in them it doesn't necessarily mean they are selfish. And it shouldn't mean you stop being you and caring; just don't expect the same back. You may be putting in too much. I know I do. I am always trying to please and feel like less than 50% of the time I get the same back. 

I understand now that that is a reflection of me and no one else. I'm always caring for someone else, going out of my way for people, offering up help for no reason,  remembering things people tell me that I file away in my memory as important to them so therefore important to me. I will remember your favorite colors. Favorite meals, stories that you've shared, fears and accomplishments; I remember it all. II will get your back in a fight and stand up for your beliefs. I am fiercely loyal. But that's me and doesn't have to be you. 

I'm not saying I'm a saint and I'm not telling you this for praise. I'm writing because its taken me a long time to understand that it's a matter of what I expect and not something others necessarily need to change. And if there are truly selfish d-bags that never ask you how you are and act like they care only long enough to talk about themselves then fuck em! Take back your care and respect and tell them to take a hike. Not worth it. 

I do not expect everyone to think or act the same. I don't think everyone will show care, love or friendship in the same way. I no longer expect phone calls or texts back, well wishes on my birthday, or even a good morning salutation.  

All I expect is decency. I expect people I care about to care for me in return. I expect those who say they are my friend to act like it. I expect my family to love me unconditionally and stand by my side. I expect people to give me archive when I ask for it but also let me try and fall and not fix me so I can learn from my mistakes. I expect genuineness and sweetness and respect. 

Let You In - Shut Me Out

I have written and erased the start of this blog four times. I don't know why, but I feel like nothing is good enough. I feel like no subject is interesting enough to write about; like nothing I write is worthy. I think I may be projecting.

I have a bit of a heavy heart at the moment and am doing a lot of reflecting these days. That shift I wrote about hasn't changed, in fact it may be worse. I feel like everything is awkward without cause. Like one day out of the blue there was no more of the normal I was used to and awkwardness has become the constant. I miss the normal way of things. Is it me? Did I do something wrong to disrupt the balance of the universe? Sigh.

I'm still me, same old strange, crazy me...right? I may just be a more emotional version with a giant heart full of care and good intentions that I struggle to show the right way. But it's still me. 

Is this interesting yet? Blog worthy? I still don't think so... Is it more interesting when I get personal? I know that the more intimate the information the more we feel like we are special and "in the know", but I struggle. I am torn between wanting to share to not only get it out but to maybe help someone else going through the same thing and the thought that my really personal issues are nobody elses fucking business. 

I am worried that when you read this you will only see me for my flaws; for all the issues I am battling and not for the other parts of me that make me whole. I worry that I will never be the same to you and that my life will seem like a giant complaint. If I truly let you in I hope you don't shut me out. 

This is one of my deepest worries and deepest struggles; and one of the biggest reasons why I try to act like its all okay.