The Real Question

 Here is a short story I wrote for a short story contest. I hope you enjoy...


She woke up in a haze, unsure if it were reality or still a dream. Each morning lately begins the same way. Feet shuffling on the cold worn wood floors, she makes it to the bathroom vanity, grabs hold of either side of the sink to brace herself, opens her eyes and stares deeply into her reflection in the mirror.

Typically she breaks her stare and brushes her teeth, not really focusing on any particular thought, letting her mind drift into a silent void. Today was different. As she held her sharp stare a tear ran down her cheek, trailing down the corner of her mouth with her lips closed tight, tasting salty and bitter. A single drop hit the sink and with it her heart ached. She knew inside that she was worth so much more. That she had forgotten to love herself and was not being loved the right way. Today she seemed older. More experienced. More confident than even a single day before. 

As the story goes, she had met someone who she thought to be great, who stoked the flame of her spirit and invigorated her in ways she herself was not even aware of initially. He was intelligent and charming in a quirky and peculiar way. He had a quick wit and a wicked sense of humor, yet was serious and awkward at times. He was mature in so many ways yet childlike and silly out of the blue. He was so different than anything she had known and a welcomed change of pace. He was kind and passionate and made her feel so beautiful and desired. Weeks went on and each day was better than the next. They spent hours talking and building a friendship. His embrace seemed genuine and comforting and despite the challenges they both faced as they each approached their own crossroads, they seemed to be able to share romantic moments with a true connection. 

She was always skeptical and never truly trusting, yet with him she made a conscious effort to be different. Opening her heart and sharing her deepest thoughts, she let him in and in turn he seemed to do the same. Life was a breath of fresh air; silly laughter, witty banter, smiles and gentle touch. If there was a way to stop the ticking clocks to stay within the moments of complete calm and passion with him she would have done it.

As more time passed and they each approached different variations of road blocks life presented them, things began to change. She and her feelings for him only grew, but yet the distance seemed much greater. Almost overnight he grew distant. He no longer called to say good morning.  Pursuit of her and wanting her company was halted. She felt saddened by the lack of care and communication. She felt as if she were an anchor, unwanted, attached and needy. At night she would gaze at the lines in the vintage plaster on her apartment ceiling thinking about what is was that she was doing wrong. What about her was not enough? She was sure that most women at some point feel this when someone pulls away, but yet she felt like her situation was unique. A thought that she now realizes is so cliché.  

Finally, addressing the situation with him, she learned that it was he who was struggling, afraid of taking a leap or reaching another level. Intimacy and connection was seemingly suffocating to him, while to her it was what she has always longed for in a relationship. It was companionship to her and the companionship he claimed to desire; an understanding and mutual respect that was what she had always understood defined a healthy, committed relationship. 

As they continued on seeing each other, the moments were still great, yet the time together was much less frequent. She heard from him less and less and the worry of what it all meant was at times overwhelming. The questions also grew inside. What was she fighting for or holding on to? Why didn’t he care? What was wrong with her? What did she not do that he needed? Why did she trust? 

As you read on I am sure that by now you are thinking this is just a typical girl meets boy story and classic drama, however this is not the point of this story and I will spare you any more lengthy detail. Out of every question that came to her mind, the one she never considered was perhaps the most important. How should I be treated? That is the question she should have been her main concern. She should have taken an inventory of her own self-worth.

On this morning, as she continued the routine of reluctantly opening her eyes, wiping off the crust from a deep sleep, she found the right question. Looking herself in the eye she was very much so aware. She was alert, focused, definite and sure that she was worth more than what she was receiving. For the first time empowerment had shaped her vision of herself and had shown her that she was beautiful. Beautiful physically, attractive in a classic sense, but also a beautiful spirit. She had a strong and loyal heart; a gentle and comforting touch; a passion that burned like a hearty fire; intelligence in both a traditional and unconventional way. She was driven and successful with limitless possibility. He was lucky. She deserved communication, his attention and loyalty, praise and comfort, love and passion. She deserved to give that to herself as well.

The tear that fell from her eye down her face and onto the counter was not a tear of sadness for the distance in the relationship she was in that she wished would reverse itself and become closeness. It was sadness for herself, that she had forgotten who she was and what she believed. It was disappointment that she was unable to see her own beauty and demand that she be treated better. It was the feeling of pain that she could not make someone love her and see that she was an asset and worth the effort. 

She brushed the streaks from the tears off of her face, brushed her teeth, took a shower and refused to look back. She vowed to never again forget who she was. She would never again forget to always be true to herself.

Tribute to a Friend

Since I started this blog I have received different feedback from people. Some have questions or want to debate topics I've written about. Others share their own personal stories that are similar to my experiences. I've also heard from some friends that I've inspired them to start writing and blogging. I think it is most flattering when someone is motivated to be creative by something I am doing.

This entry is a shout out to a dear friend of mine who has been on an incredible journey of self-discovery. For several months he has focused on reinventing himself, working out and losing a significant amount of weight, updating his personal style, working hard on rebuilding lost friendships and strengthening his family bonds. His motivation is inspiring to me on days when I feel like I just don't have it in me to do anything productive. I've watched him grow over the past few months so much and he has become a very healthy and happy man and a really good friend.

Being able to look within and accept the areas where we are lacking is not an easy task to accomplish. Its so much easier said than done, and its incredibly difficult to look past the things we know are not good for us and change our behavior. It is easy to ignore and continue the behaviors because they are comfortable. I applaud my friend for his diligence and determination to be the best father, husband and friend he can be. I admire his willingness to do the work and put in the time and his honesty about his flaws.

I encourage you all to check out his blog: http://theredheadrambler.blogspot.com Show some support - he is new to the blogging world. But his voice and his experiences are real, and he is making incredible strides.

Keep it up Andy! I am inspired!

Morning Meditation

I

 I woke up this morning, kept my eyes closed, and took a deep breath aware of the flow of oxygen in my body; aware of my life and who I am. I kept my eyes closed and focused on my breath, bringing in positive thoughts with every inhale and expelling the negative thoughts with every breath out. I let my mind wander and found myself thinking about the woman I am today. I smile now reflecting on the start to my morning as I am acutely aware of who I am and how different I have become. I am present in every moment and much more subdued, knowing the true meaning of picking my battles.

In moving forward with any relationship, be it friendship or love, I have come to understand that communication is the most vital component. A relationship, in my opinion, is not going to last without this. And it seems like today there are so many rules on how we should "properly communicate" with a friend or partner. "Don't give out too much information about yourself because you don't want to seem too available," or "if a friend asks for advice don't be too honest because you don't want to offend," or "don't share too many feelings with someone because it will push them away." I feel like I need a manual to have a conversation with someone these days. People wonder why I feel such a lack of confidence in communicating or making decisions. Well, this is why.

With my eyes closed this morning I realized that I am happy being who I am now, a more muted version of my previously bull headed, boisterous personality. Of course I still have opinions, however I keep a lot to myself and analyze its importance before sharing. I have a much greater filter that I use more frequently. I enjoy being quiet and taking things in more than speaking and being heard. I find it exciting and enjoyable to have someone else make decisions or do more of the talking. I have really changed, mostly because of all I have been through in my life, especially in the past few years.

As I started to open my eyes I thought about all the different opinions I've heard recently about communication. I started to think about how I communicate my wants, thoughts and fears to those in my life. I realized I do not want to have to follow a specific set of parameters in order to share with someone how I feel. If I am bothered by something I should be able to say it and know that someone is receptive and open minded enough to take it in with a grain of salt, even if it is not something they may agree with. I shouldn't have to stifle expressing a feeling because I am afraid it will be poorly received. And in turn I need to always keep an open mind and be receptive to hearing how others feel, even if it may make me upset.

I am not in the business of playing games. I am a firm believer in tell it like it is and be honest and true to your feelings. I am not going to shy away from someone because they are honest, even if it is something I didn't want to hear. I am more likely to run from someone who is too afraid to speak their mind or plays games instead of using their words.

My final thought as I got out of bed was that I value certain things in my life more than I ever thought I would. I am more traditional than I realized. I like to say good morning and good night to those I care about, and really feel that there is value to good, solid communication. I like to make sure people know I am present and expect the same in return. I value quality time over quantity more than I ever did before. It is not about how much time you can spend with someone, but the quality of the time you do have that is truly important. I am way more sensitive than I ever realized. Yes, I like to joke around a hell of a lot, but deep down inside I am a girl with feelings and emotions and all that girly stuff I fought against for so many years. I am an emotional creature and can be quite gentle and loving.

I started my day with an awareness of the body and my presence in the world and in the lives of those I love. I allowed my emotions to be felt and my thoughts to exist and not be shoved down into a place of nonexistence. I smile as I finish this blog because I am happy. I am happy with what I have and look forward to what I can gain over time. I am happy with those in my life and look forward to time with them. I have a lot to celebrate and am actively making an effort to embrace who I am on a daily basis.

Only Child Syndrome

I am definitely an only child. I am SO inflexible when it comes to change or things going differently from what I had envisioned. I just had a thought provoking conversation with someone that touched on expectations and breaking promises. Both are heavy topics in my life. I have made it too easy to break promises to myself these past few months. Even promises as simple as shortchanging my time at the gym or driving all the way out to Brentwood to go to a Cardio Barre class then turning around and going home because I “worked hard” that day. Every time I break a promise to myself I am let down and lower my opinion of myself.  And in doing so it affects my relationships and interactions with other people.

I also set my expectations for myself and other people WAY too high. I expect things to go exactly how I imagine them or got my heart set on, which is a recipe for being consistently let down and upset. I know I am putting myself in a negative space emotionally by doing this. The thought just occurred to me – what makes me so special that everyone should do things exactly how I want them to be done or think of me in the way I think I should be cared for? What obligation do people have to be a friend the same way I am to them? Just because I put 100% into my friendships does not necessarily mean they should as well. And while I’m conducting an honest examination of my life, I don’t know if I really am putting 100% into my friendships as I should be. There are several friends I have flaked on and neglected and have absolutely no good reason for it other than selfishness and laziness.

To be completely honest, this is what is getting me down. It is truly selfish and quite ridiculous that this is the trivial issue that is plaguing me at the moment. But in an effort to expel these negative feelings and be honest, I will share with you…

I really hate when plans are changed on me. I hate when things break out of the normal, anticipated cycle. I am very selfish about my time with people I really want to be with and when things are changed up on me I shut down and go to an “all or nothing” way of thinking. I feel unimportant; unwanted; unrecognized. I am sure that isn’t that case (or maybe it really is), and I know it is a completely unhealthy way to feel. I believe it comes from being that only child that was loved so deeply and given so much. I was given all the attention and rarely had to share. I always had both my parents’ attention and was entertained constantly. I was not left wanting and am very grateful for all the things my parents provided for me as a result of their hard work and dedication to family. I was the top priority for so long that I know nothing else.

This may be true for when I was a child, but I am a 31 year old adult with a hell of a lot of life experience and a good head on my shoulders. I should know better than to be this way. Expectations set too high equal constant let down. I am no more special than anyone else and I am no more deserving of someone’s time. Plans change. People get busy. Time is always marching along. Things come up. Flexibility and adaptation to unexpected changes are mandatory for a happy existence. I’m no longer a child with all the attention and focus on me. The world does not revolve around Erin.

Instead, my focus should be on keeping promises to myself and having more realistic expectations for my capabilities, my future, and the people around me. I hope that I can really learn to quiet this anxious unrest in my heart and settle into living a life where I trust the people I choose to keep close. I hope I find some harmonious balance and understanding for the fluctuation in life.

To Thine Own Self Be True?

I am at a point in my life where I am more open and honest with my friends and those I care about than I have ever been before. As I mentioned in my last blog entry, I am actively breaking down the wall I spent years constructing out of self defense. I had a great night having dinner with a dear friend, opening up and being completely myself. It feels so good to be me, for better or worse; honest about who I am and what I feel.

I have spent so long hiding. I used to shy away from discussing things that truly bothered me and realize now that really does no one any good. It is not fair to myself. I got this tattoo on my wrist several years ago that says, "to thine own self be true." It is the advice Polonius gives to his son Laertes in Act 1 of Shakespeare's Hamlet. I have forgotten to take my own advice and honor the quote I felt so important that I put it permanently on my body.

I let my guard down recently and let someone in. I am feeling vulnerable and want to know definitively that I am not going to get hurt. I want to know there is real substance and commitment. Truth be told the whole process of opening up and showing my true colors scares the shit out of me. Most people in my life, as I know I've said in my blog entries before, only get to see the parts of myself I am comfortable sharing. The parts of my personality I deem "approved." I rarely show the other parts of my personality that are more obsessive, controlling, even a bit negative. I try to keep that to myself so I do not offend or make a bad impression. So that I am not judged. But nonetheless they are a part of me and it has become clear to me recently that if I am hiding these parts of my personality there must be a good reason. I am working so hard on improving what I find unacceptable about myself or worthy of change. I want to be better. I am always trying to improve and be the best I can be. I really care a lot.

For those I have let in, you know who you are, I am who I am and I hope you take that as it is and do not abuse it. I have let you in for a reason. I am me - the good, the bad and the ugly. We are all just people trying to sort out the chaos and confusion life throws at us, trying to make the best of the cards we are dealt and build our empire. We are all trying to set examples and be leaders in our own right. I ask that you do not judge me. That you embrace the change we are all facing, with understanding. I ask that you take me with a grain of salt and treat me kindly.  I ask that you are upfront and honest even if it may be unpleasant. I ask that you be a true friend. Life has been unbalanced for a very long time and it was not until recently that it started to feel right again. To feel safe and whole.

It was a great night with a great friend. And it was nice to be true to myself and be accepted.  

What's It Going To Take?

I think I'm more excited that today is Saturday than yesterday's Valentines Day holiday. I am so happy to have a few days off even if it's full of homework and chores. At least it's my time and it's stress free.

Last week was chalked full of negative every and bad vibes and it really got to me. My only recourse  was to shut up and quietly plug away to get through my days. I hate weeks like that because I generally love being at work and enjoy what I do. But weeks full of bad attitudes and people rushing around with a sense of secretive urgency really start to wear you down. 

I got up this morning slowly after finally sleeping in and thought about how it's almost been 1 year since I turned 30 and since I made the choice to be completely sober. It's amazing how quickly time has passed and just how much has gone on during that time. Being back in school is bringing up reminiscent memories of the first try at college and the fun times with my crazy friends in my early 20's. I miss the parties and being completely uninhibited, the laughter and that larger than life feeling. 

I've spent the year struggling to find my place. It's been a very difficult year with a lot of change. I am finally feeling comfortable in my own skin like I am a new me that I am okay with. I don't worry about being out at a bar as much and am okay saying no to a drink without feeling fearful. Sure I miss it and have a feeling I always will, but I'm okay with that as long as I get support where I need it. 

As my birthday approaches in a few months I can't help but feel restless and refuse to let any more unproductive time pass me by. I'm not wasting a second. I have a lot of emotion in my little body and I'm going to start showing it, in a good way. 

How many of you feel like you want to change something about yourself but don't have a clue where to start? Or you just don't try because it seems like too much of an uphill battle? 

The best place to start is anywhere. If your goal is losing weight, just start making better choices with food and exercise. It is so easy to accept the status quo and just exist, but I ask you this... Is just existing really living? I sure don't think so.

Life isn't a cake walk for me right now. Our business is struggling a bit, my mom is still trying to recover from a major injury, my grandma is dying, two of Toms uncles have incurable cancer, marriage isn't always easy, etc. But that is life; there will always be things to work on or have to fight through. I am not letting it stop me!

Are you? 

Relationships Are Hard

The question of care came up in a rather heated conversation with my husband tonight on my way to the gym. We've been together a decade (literally) and you would think that after all that time we would know exactly how to care for one another when we are sick or feeling low. But we don't...

He is suffering from sinus allergies or some mild head cold and as a result is incredibly irritable. I should honestly know better than to approach him with opinions or advice. It's just not received well when he's in this condition. I should know this by now, right?! But I did the exact opposite and he erupted in anger. Guess I was asking for it...?

In the thick of the angry exchange we touched upon the topic of care. I do not know how to care for him how he wants. After ten years I apparently care for him how I want to be cared for, not how HE wants. I never stopped to think I was doing it wrong; bringing him a blanket when he wants a hot meal. I have been being emotionally there for him when he wanted to get a neck massage and then to be left alone. 

It begs the question of why didn't he speak up and correct it? Why not just say what you need? It's not being polite in my opinion if you're just going to throw it back in my face in a later argument. 

To get a bit personal here, when I get my period I want to be approached gently, fed and reassured. I want love and sympathy. Until recently this was not how I was cared for and so I spoke up. He has tried really hard to care for me in a way that makes me happy that is completely opposite from his natural inclination. I need to do the same.

I think that the people we were ten years are drastically different from who we both are today and so our ways of caring need to be adjusted accordingly. I feel sadness for the argument and while I don't think it's fair to verbally lash out at someone because of feeling ill or exhausted, I should have done everything differently. 

I can't believe I'm still learning how up coexist after so many years. I can't believe that we have changed so much. This year I will work harder on recognizing other peoples needs and making sure that not only am I happy, but so are they. 

Maybe It's Me

One thing that really pisses me off is lack of communication. It's so frustrating when someone is clearly affected by something and instead of addressing the issues or even acknowledging it, they just isolate. No awareness for how they affect those around them. They may not purposefully be distant, distracted, crabby, argumentative, what have you, but they are and that takes a toll on those around them. Especially those who care to help. So many people do this!

Being a naturally more emotional person, I am more greatly affected by these types of people. I hate feeling shut out by them feeling shut down. I don't deserve that. No one does. Internalizing isn't healthy; I should know from years of experience.

I have little tolerance for stupid at the moment. Of course I will not be outright bitchy to someone because they aren't doing things right or have limited comprehension; but inside I want to scream. I hate having to do twice the work to make up for some one's shortcomings or inability to listen.

But feeling like complete shit because communication is void and you're left in the dark feeling like you did something to deserve being shut out is way worse. Wondering why you are being treated so coldly and what changed in the course of a day sucks. Some one's bad mood taken out on you even if by lack of communication is the absolute worst. 

I may be shy to speak my opinion or new idea, but I will always tell you how I feel. You may not like what I have to say, but I'll never leave you hanging. I will let my bad days show; I am not perfect. But you will know if it is you or not that caused it because I will tell you. If I fuck up, tell me I fucked up. If you are upset be upfront. 

Maybe I'm doing things wrong - maybe I'm reading into things. Maybe I'm more observant to things people aren't even aware they are putting out there. Maybe they don't care about me as much as I think. Maybe I'm projecting. Maybe quiet time isn't a bad thing. Maybe I'm being a little kid feeling a lack of attention. Maybe it's me. 

I wish my mind would shut up and shut down and stop worrying. Stop working so hard; stop sabotaging my self esteem. I wish, I wish, I wish for more communication...

A Child's Mind

I have limited experience with children. I was raised an only child and do not have many relatives or friends with children. It wasn't until recently that I learned I have half siblings, with one as young as six turning seven. Initially I felt awkward around her, difficult to relate and unsure how to communicate. But as time passed and we saw each other more frequently things began to feel like second nature.

I spent time with my biological mother and her two daughters last night. One girl is 14 almost 15 and the other is almost 7. They are both incredible children; the almost 15 year old reminds me of my spirit and style when I was her age in the 90's. She wears the same Doc Martins as I once wore she has the same witty sarcasm that catches me off guard often. She is also beautiful. Beautiful, thick brown hair, perfect complexion, skinny little body. Kind hearted, sensitive, creative; she is incredible. 

The almost 6 year old is hilarious. An old soul and a true comedian, she is nonstop energy. I am not sure where she gets most of her material, which is well beyond comprehension of most of her peers. She is loving and timid yet outgoing and shameless at the same time. Also incredible. 

Any how, the reason I'm telling you all this is because of a question raised by the almost 7 year old in the car about grandma and her memory. The girls have a great grandma who is 92 years old and recently suffered a broken shoulder as a result of a fall in the shower. As my biological mom explained to me the situation and how dementia has made it very difficult for great grandma to cope with her injury, the almost 7 year old asked why great grandma forgets. She asked with such worry and sensitivity in her voice. To this question my biological mom explained that sometimes when you grow old your memory does not work as well as it once did. She told her that it is hard for great grandma to remember where she is and that scares her. The almost six year old asked if she is all alone and was reassured that she always has someone who loves her by her side. Feeling more confident that great grandma is being cared for she then asked why grandma doesn't have problems remembering because she is also old. The concept of dementia was then further explained in as simple terms as possible. 

There was no trouble comprehending. The almost 7 year old understood. It was incredible to witness this exchange and was a very important moment in her growth. I do not remember anyone explaining to me my grandfathers condition of Acromegaly when I was 5 when he finally died. I only remember grandpa looking funny and unable to verbally communicate. No one answered my questions about my fathers heart condition or triple bypass surgery when I was 9.

I was no longer afraid to have adult conversations with the little one. She can handle it all. 

I am so lucky to have such intelligent and dynamic half sisters. For the remainder of the evening we laughed like crazy and sang obnoxiously in the car to bad pop music. It was a perfect night and a big reminder that I am lucky to have a great extended family to top off my loving immediate family. I know I'm loved and am loving it. I am glad my life followed this path and that I am able to get to know my biological mom as a grown up; as a friend. 

Not So Great Expectations

Expectations are useless and counterproductive to living happily. I've always had high expectations for friends, family members, work situations, relationships...I think because I always try to put 100%+ of myself into everything I expect to get it back. I've over examined and dissected so many situations that whatever the outcome was didn't stand up to the perception I built up in my mind.

Sometimes I wish I could flip it and reverse it...I wish some of my crazy dreams were actual reality and my boring days or disappointments were nightmares I wake up from. 

I think high expectations are the downfall to most relationships - intimate and friendship. If you expect a person to act a certain way, do things as you do, or live up to something other than who they are naturally, it isn't going to work. If you want to change someone so much they will no longer resemble the person you were initially drawn to, what's the point in that relationship? 

I'm not saying you should throw any and all expectations out the window, I'm just saying you may consider lowering the bar. Analyze your measure that you hold everyone up to...chances are its too high. And I don't know about you but I hate feeling disappointment. 

Just because someone doesn't ask you how your weekend was after you've asked them doesn't mean they are a bad person. If someone doesn't take as much interest in you as you do in them it doesn't necessarily mean they are selfish. And it shouldn't mean you stop being you and caring; just don't expect the same back. You may be putting in too much. I know I do. I am always trying to please and feel like less than 50% of the time I get the same back. 

I understand now that that is a reflection of me and no one else. I'm always caring for someone else, going out of my way for people, offering up help for no reason,  remembering things people tell me that I file away in my memory as important to them so therefore important to me. I will remember your favorite colors. Favorite meals, stories that you've shared, fears and accomplishments; I remember it all. II will get your back in a fight and stand up for your beliefs. I am fiercely loyal. But that's me and doesn't have to be you. 

I'm not saying I'm a saint and I'm not telling you this for praise. I'm writing because its taken me a long time to understand that it's a matter of what I expect and not something others necessarily need to change. And if there are truly selfish d-bags that never ask you how you are and act like they care only long enough to talk about themselves then fuck em! Take back your care and respect and tell them to take a hike. Not worth it. 

I do not expect everyone to think or act the same. I don't think everyone will show care, love or friendship in the same way. I no longer expect phone calls or texts back, well wishes on my birthday, or even a good morning salutation.  

All I expect is decency. I expect people I care about to care for me in return. I expect those who say they are my friend to act like it. I expect my family to love me unconditionally and stand by my side. I expect people to give me archive when I ask for it but also let me try and fall and not fix me so I can learn from my mistakes. I expect genuineness and sweetness and respect. 

Cosmic Shift

Was there some sort of cosmic shift in the universe that I am unaware of? Everything feels off. I feel disconnected from so many people and feel like in a matter of days everything normal has been altered by a force beyond my control.

I know I tend to cycle from Mrs. positive, super charged go getter, hyper puppy mode to sarcastic, subdued and even a bit withdrawn, but this time I know it's not me. I feel it. I can't explain exactly what it is, I just feel uneasiness; things are off. 

I feel it within my own relationships with friends, acquaintances and coworkers. It's as if overnight something happened that altered the dynamics of communication; that put an odd silence in the middle; a heavy seriousness. 

It may be intuition or just coincidence, but I know it is something and I don't like feeling like this. I understand we all go through our own emotional shifts and completely respect that process for everyone. I just find it hard not to take things personally even though I try. 

I know I'm basically whining like a little baby because things aren't "fun" right now and because my world just seems off and I don't like it...but dammit I don't like it!

I think what really bothers me about it all is not having reason or explanation for the sudden shift in personalities. It just happened abruptly. Did I do something wrong? Have I offended people? 

I am no more special than the next person and am not owed an explanation just because I want one. This is one of the hard parts about being a grown up. I can handle responsibility any day. Throw expectations my way and I've got it covered. But not knowing the reason for something being a certain way or feeling disconnected and not sure why is another story. 

I wish people would just acknowledge the shift and vocalize when they need space or use their words to express their feelings of disconnect in a constructive way. I'm a big girl for the most part and can handle it. Sure I may not like what I hear and likewise you might not either, but it's better than pretending nothing is wrong. 

At least it is Friday. A weekend does everyone good and I can only stay positive that the universe will sleep off the cosmic shift and energy will be restored to normal in the new week to come. 

Sensitive Flower

It's really frustrating when you end up on the crossfire of someones bad mood. When you end up bearing the brunt of their attitude. I am the first to admit that I've done this to many innocent victims.

My natural inclination is to think everything is personal; that if someone is not overly chatty then I must have done something wrong; that if someone snaps at me or has an elevated tone it must be a result of something I did. I'm fucking sensitive!

That's why I hate being snapped at. I don't know what to do with someone in this situation and instantly get a flush, nervous feeling and a fast heartbeat. My blood pressure spikes and my mind goes into overdrive. I feel like crying and don't know what to do to make it better. I feel like a kid at a core level who just wants to say "I'm sorry, please don't hate me" so things go back to normal.

And what if someone was already stressed out and thus overly sensitive as a result and it was something I said that triggered the bad mood and angry reaction? How do you come back from that? I'm just left feeling like a complete ass hat and have to wait it out. 

I wish people communicated more openly, myself included. I wish people were open to say something like "hey, I'm in a bad mood" or "excuse my distance, I'm under a lot of pressure right now." Maybe even a little confirmation like "it's not you or anything you did, it's something I'm going through right now." 

I try to be open with the people I'm closest to and make an effort to be forthcoming with my mood and aware of how it affects them. I really try to vocalize when I'm struggling and although it is hard, I try to admit that I'm in a bad head space and that I don't mean to take it out on others.

The most amazing thing is that once I admit I'm having a hard time it's almost like that is a form of acceptance and my mood shifts. It's just the coming to terms with it that makes it a little bit better and less of a big deal. 

We all have struggles, believe me where I am at right now is no walk in the freakin park. Trying to build a business, a family, make an imprint in my career, save money, and survive is not a short order and gets me down. I can't take it out on others and have to be more aware of how my attitude affects others around me. 

At the end of the day I realize it is not a perfect world and not everyone is comfortable with their shortcomings and can admit when they are gruff or having a hard time. Not everyone is open about their feelings and how they affect others. I can only worry about me and how I react to them. I'm a sensitive flower building a stronger stem.