F Day is an F You

Me and Dad at USC in front of the Tommy Trojan statue

F Day feels like a big F you. From the second to last week of May until the morning of F Day, my inbox if full of junk solicitations from Amazon.com, 1-800-Flowers, Create and Barrel, Target, Khols, the list goes on and on, all reminding me that I’m running out of time to get my dad something special this father’s day. I find it so hard not to be bitter that he isn’t here any longer to give him a gift. I find it hard to look past the painful reminder that my father was taken prematurely from our family and that with him went all connectivity and sense of family that we once had. Now it is just me. Me and my mom, although she hardly calls me and expects me to check up on her, and really doesn’t do much to understand what is at the core of my heart. She just isn’t that type of woman.

Typically I could avoid feeling this bad on F Day because I was able to spend the day doing something my dad used to love to do; something in honor of him. Or I could sleep the day away eating pizza and watching crappy television shows to block out the emptiness. But this year, things are different. I am literally forced to celebrate F Day by having to work, running a remembrance service for all those who have lost their fathers, grandfathers, and any important man in their life. So here I am, really sad and still devastated that my own dad, my best friend and mentor, is no longer living, and yet I have to work at the cemetery where he is not buried, hosting a remembrance service to celebrate F Day.

In an effort to find some balance and peace with the entire situation, and to properly grieve in a healthier fashion, I will list out 12 things I loved about my dad, one for each year he has been gone.

1. His spirit
2. His calming presence
3. His love and loyalty to family
4. His understanding of giving and receiving respect
5. His sense of humor and quick wit
6. His passion for his job
7. His courage, even in the final stage of his life
8. His intelligence
9. His ability to make me feel like a princess
10. His love of sports
11. The way he made little glasses on the “D” in Danny Felsen when he signed his name, so it would look just like him
12. His knack for pulling off the best pranks

My dad was and always will be the light in my heart that guides me, drives me, steers me in the right direction, and keeps me going when I want to give up. It is impossible for anyone who has not lost their parent at a young age to fully understand what it feels like to have to go on with life following their passing, and how challenging it is to literally have to grow up overnight and have no rule book to follow with guidelines and explanations making it easier to navigate life with the burden of pain and grief that you carry in your heart. The longing and deep void from his absence doesn’t go away and I feel like it in a way defines me now. When my dad died I changed and my life changed and my heart changed. I have been forever imprinted by the spirit of goodness, compassion, friendship, love and loyalty that my father had in his soul, and do whatever I can to be a good person and live up to his legacy every day.

Dad, my Tommy Trojan, my superhero, my best bud – I love you unconditionally, whether you are physically here with me or are a spirit of energy surrounding me and I navigate my way through the course of my life. I sincerely hope that I make you proud and that you know how deeply sorry I am that you got sick and that you are not here with your family. I wish there was a way to connect with you and tell you that I love you, and that I am sorry for all the shit I put you through as a crazy, chaotic and self-righteous teenager. I wish I could tell you that you were right; the tattoos were a really bad idea that I really do regret, and that I should have blindly listened to you all those times you gave me advice on my future. I wish I could laugh with you now looking back on all those times you said that I had to do things the hard way, because it was so true. Most of all, I wish I could run to you and give you a hug like I was a little girl seeing her dad pick her up from school after the first day; and never let go.

I love you today, on F Day, and every day to follow. Thank you for being the best father a girl could ask for, and even though our time was cut short, I cherish every moment and every lesson. Rest assured that you were a great father; the best in fact. And you were truly loved.

Scrapes and Burns

This weekend was so incredibly bittersweet. It left me considering my place in life and those I keep close to me in my inner circle. It was a complete roller coaster of emotions; from genuine laughter and silliness to deep conversation. Experiences were both lighthearted and extremely heavy. By the end of the weekend, Sunday night, I was sure of one thing; I was going to stand up for my emotions and be real and honest with those whom I care about and want to maintain relationships with.

Today I woke up knowing I am sick and tired of making excuses for those in my life who are unable to express emotion or take ownership for the part they play in any wrongdoing or feelings of ill will. I am sick of giving third and fourth chances to people who only take. I can't stand feeling like a fool for putting myself out there with my heart on my sleeve, expressing myself and being up front and honest with my feelings regardless of whether they are good or bad, when others can't seem to do the same. I will no longer give out respect when it is not reciprocated.

Worst of all is the person who is so void of emotion and so detached that they cannot admit when they have faltered and are unable to be a real friend and own up to their wrongdoings. I was raised right, with a good head on my shoulders, a solid conscience and a big heart and know that when I hurt someone, intentionally or by accident, it is my responsibility to own up to my bad behavior and give someone the satisfaction of knowing why I did what I did. Even if there is no good reason.

We are all humans capable of making bad decisions and likely to act in ways that hurt other human beings, even when we do not have bad intentions. A true good, kind soul is one that is capable of listening to other people and is receptive to the feedback they get about how their actions and choices have affected others. We are not always going to like or appreciate what we hear, but there is really no other way to grow and become better if we cannot hear criticism and feedback. No one is perfect and only a fool, in my opinion, thinks they have nothing left to learn and are flawless.

Here is a quick story. My friend went through a situation that really bothers me. She was dating a guy who swept her off her feet. He seemed completely charming, hitting it off right away, having a juicy two hour make out session on their first date, and getting in deep within a matter of weeks. As she described their relationship it seemed as if they were both really into each other, spending a lot of time with one another after work and on the weekends when he was free or she was not committed to other plans. They seemed to really enjoy the company of one another, and she seemed to give in to opening up and trusting in him. She sat in tears and explained that out of nowhere he suddenly pulled away, distancing himself, no longer spending as much time with her, barely showing sexual interest, which left her feeling undesirable and unattractive. She said that she had no idea what she had done wrong and could not understand that even with all the similarities they shared in the way they thought and their likes and dislikes, she was still not enough and he pulled away. She repeated over and over again, "how could he do this to me?"

It was really heartbreaking to think about someone doing such a thing and giving no explanation, but the worst was not the fact that he retracted his feelings and lacked closeness so abruptly. It was his callousness in response when she reached out again with her emotions on her sleeve. It was as if he had no concern for the affect he had on her and the weight of his actions. It was as if she were completely disposable and not worthy of his respect. I wanted so badly to tell my friend that she was wasting her time investing in a man so broken and in desperate need of personal growth and work on his own lost soul. It wasn't actually something she had done wrong. Perhaps she was simply not physically attractive to him. That was definitely not something she wanted to hear, but still it was a possibility.

Regardless of the million "whys" we tossed back and forth, the only part worth focusing on was the fact that the man she pursued was broken and incapable of accepting his role in hurting her and unable to face the affects of his actions. He was devastated from a divorce that left him feeling inconsequential and abandoned and yet he was so blinded to what was the real reason his wife had left. He had never actually been able to look within and examine himself, seeing past ego and this unrealistic defensive viewpoint that he was not in need of any personal change. It was all a rouse and a front to hide his anxiousness and feelings of inferiority and loneliness.

My friend knew all along that he was not right for her. That she was in fact healthier mentally and more capable of having a successful, loving relationship. She knew that she deserved a partner that would rub her neck when she was sore or give her advice and really be there when she needed hug and words of encouragement. He was not that because he couldn't see past his own life and his own needs. He was far too selfish to give her what she deserved and she was far too good for him. For that type of relationship.

I hate seeing people hurting and I too will make a million excuses for someone if I want things to work out, but something I can learn from this example is not to waste my time on those who are too self absorbed to be really connected and true to others they care about. We should not lower our expectations to accommodate those who are unwilling to do so for us.

As she explained how heartbroken and embarrassed she was for pursing a man who made such little effort to care and love her back, I felt bad for the man because he was so blinded by his own failures and pain that he threw away a chance to be with such a beautiful person. He was so stuck on the failure of his marriage and the drama in his own life that he was unable to see that a beautiful, smart, funny, kind, gentle, dedicated woman was there trying to do nothing other than love him.

It makes me sad that so many people in this world are overly focused on all the bad things that have happened to them, failed marriages, lack of employment, feeling sorry for ourselves instead or recognizing the good that is right in front of them, ultimately throwing away a truly good relationship for their own sorrows. Some people really seem to want to stay miserable.

I feel bad for those feeling like my friend and wish that I could either change the way people think or help people to move on without feeling pain. Life is so difficult with so many layers like a bitter onion. All we can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep our eyes open and focused on the potential for good and true love within our lives. No one ever said life is going to be easy. Its just about surviving the scrapes and burns we get along the way. 

Exhausted and Contemplative

I have typed and erased this opening sentence five times. I don’t know how to start this one. I have way too many things bouncing around in my head and a very sensitive heart at the moment. Nothing is clear and free flowing. Everything is jumbled, blurry, emotional, frustrating. 

I came across the quote pictured here on the right on Facebook yesterday. It is a concept we all know but forget often. I let interactions with others and failed expectations dictate my emotional state. I forget to show myself love for who I am and respect to not let people treat me poorly. I turn a blind eye to things and make excuses for people who do not give me the time and attention I deserve.

Life is so transitional for me these days and the constant work on my outlook, insecurities, fears, history, situations and relationships is difficult and exhausting. I am unsettled and unbalanced, but I am not stagnant. I am working at finding happiness, not letting my anxiety become a permanent excuse and disability. I am struggling, over emotional, worried, and at times pessimistic, but I am really trying to pull myself out of it all and gain a stronger, healthier and positive perspective. I want to be better. I want to be loved and get the attention I really deserve. I want to be able to love back.

After a very hurtful and upsetting afternoon yesterday, I was left exhausted and contemplative. I thought about what I really deserve. I deserve love. True, non-judgmental, unanticipated love that is natural and not something I have to fight for. Straight from the heart, without question, loyal and compassionate with only the best intentions. I deserve respect, shown in ways of caring about the struggles I am facing, support throughout a process, faith that I will make a good choice, and trust that I will not hurt or let you down. I also deserve companionship. True companionship can only blossom out of strong communication. Companionship is more than just having fun with another person. It is anticipation of someone’s needs without them having to ask for something. It is being by their side when they get an award, go to an event, take a leap that scares the fuck out of them or a million other things that take place in their life that involves change or growth. It is calling them in the morning to tell them you miss their voice, or saying good night because you want to show you care. It is making time for them because you want to and because you want to make them aware that you are there. Companionship is more than just laughter and joking around. It is deeper than that.  

What do you deserve?

This past weekend someone asked me what my five year plan was. The question has really left me upset. Partly because knowing everything going on in my life and all the pain and transition I am working though, the question shouldn’t have been asked. But mostly because right now I am trying to make it one day at a time. I am starting over and working through a lot of change and I am trying to focus on the light very far off in the distance. I am working towards trusting and loving again and being more definite about what I want. I am working on family issues and anxieties that I do not want to dictate my life. I thought I had a five year plan five years ago, which did not include being divorced by 32, starting over financially, living in a tiny apartment and childless with practically no family. This was NOT my five year plan and just goes to show that making those types of plans isn’t worth anything.

We never know where we will be. We never know who we will meet and who we will fall in love with or who we will wish would love us back. We never know what friendships will fizzle out or stand the test of time. We have no way of knowing any of it. I hate the unknown, but not knowing any of this is out of my control. I am going to love hard, live hard, trust and be trusted, keeping those in my life who are truly deserving and living a positive and happy life. Life lesson for this week is love and respect yourself the way you want others to treat you.

Stronger is How I See You

I haven't written a poem in a long time. Woke up, had a cup of hot coffee, and started to write...

Stronger is How I See You 

Do as I say, not as I do, she says through her actions as she beats down the weak.

Selfish motivation and personal gain feed the need to be seen; oh so vain. 

Forgetting right and wrong and the scale of measure.

Treasuring nothing about a friendship that was once strong and true. Not even the fact that they were once a family will do.

Glue that held the soul together has broken down, leaving the heart on the ground. 

Shadows and pain swallowed that heart, breaking it apart, left to mend. Lend a hand when a hand is wanted; most of the time it is out of reach.

Can you teach someone to see their worth? Birth of a new relationship, trusting and letting the heart love again?

When will it be time to close out the past and use it as a lesson moving on. Gone are the days where you will be dragged down in the ground. 

Sound of the birds chirping outside the window awaken a smile and a lighthearted notion, that you can be loved again in a more true fashion. 

The road block that stops you from sharing your soul can be torn down if you move past your frown and memories of what was promised and has been revoked. Choked and suffocated by what could have been and what is no longer. 

Stronger is how I see you. Look through my eyes to see who you are. Far from a broken person; opposite of unloveable; destine to be great.

Make the life you live special and whole. Full of all the sweetest things that were robbed from you the first time. Find your peace and reach for the stars. Far from over is your life as long as you try to give back and connect. 

Rectify the wrong; let go; pick up that heart left in the dust on the ground and surround yourself with beauty. 

You deserve it. 

Biological Father

This is Mike. He is my biological father. Mike and I met a few years ago and are starting to build a friendship. Many of you may not know that I was adopted at birth. I was given an incredible childhood full of love, education, silliness, and adventure. My dad was everything to me and will always be the only father I have.

Mike and I started talking a few years ago when I reached out to him curious about the other person responsible for my creation. Lately he has taken an interest in being an active participant in my life and is making the effort to get to know me.

My intention with this entry is not to showcase Mike, but to vent the feelings I had following lunch with him yesterday. Yesterday was a hard day. I can't seem to say that enough. I know the first holiday after a divorce is difficult, but this may be the hardest part of yesterday for me. I met Mike for lunch on Yom Kippur. I know, I should have been fasting... bad Jew! But it was the only time we could meet before he left for a three week trip to Italy and he really wanted to see me before he left. We met for a late lunch at a cute cafe and had a wonderful time catching up, telling stories of who we were in the past, laughing and smiling. It was a very pleasant afternoon. He made it very clear that he wanted to be a part of my life and get involved. I should be happy.

But I left feeling deeply saddened by the fact that it was lunch with my biological father instead of my dad who raised me, was my best friend, and was not here with me anymore. I felt a stabbing pain in my heart that I haven't felt in a very long time. I felt the void of him being gone ripping me apart and reminding me that the one person I want to be there for me throughout this period of transition in my life is just not able to. I was again very aware of his absence and my heart hurt so much. Driving home over Laurel Canyon I could hardly catch my breath. I couldn't stop the tears and couldn't get past the emptiness. I was back to where I was 11 years ago; angry that he is gone too soon and asking why this had to happen.

The whole weekend has been very emotional. I make light of a lot of things and diffuse uncomfortable situations with humor in order to deflect any real emotion if its something I don't want to feel. Going to temple was something important to my father and so I went in his honor. The Kol Nidre service starting Yom Kippur was a service he and I used to attend together. It was tradition and I promised to continue that. So I went. But it was not without bringing up emotions that I haven't felt in years and left me sleepless and saddened, saying into the darkness of my bedroom at 1:30 in the morning "I'm sorry that you didn't get the chance to see me as a woman. I'm sorry you didn't get to see me truly happy. I'm sorry you are not here."

I try not to talk about him too much and try not to be that girl that walks around with a chip on her shoulder; that girl who everyone is afraid to talk about their parents around in fear that it will make me feel bad that I am missing one of my own. I don't want to seem broken or damaged because I am not. I am just hurt and I am surviving and throughout all this I have come to realize the grieving process never ends. It gets easier to maintain and to process emotions, but you are always grieving the loss if it is a love so great and so important that living life without them is not the same.

I am lucky that my biological father wants to be in my life and look forward to years of getting to know one another. But I am sad at the same time that my father who could not see how much of an impact he made on my life and how his imprint will be with me forever. I can only live in his honor and be the best person I can and hope that his spirit is out there somewhere, watching me with a smile on his face.

Not So Great Expectations

Expectations are useless and counterproductive to living happily. I've always had high expectations for friends, family members, work situations, relationships...I think because I always try to put 100%+ of myself into everything I expect to get it back. I've over examined and dissected so many situations that whatever the outcome was didn't stand up to the perception I built up in my mind.

Sometimes I wish I could flip it and reverse it...I wish some of my crazy dreams were actual reality and my boring days or disappointments were nightmares I wake up from. 

I think high expectations are the downfall to most relationships - intimate and friendship. If you expect a person to act a certain way, do things as you do, or live up to something other than who they are naturally, it isn't going to work. If you want to change someone so much they will no longer resemble the person you were initially drawn to, what's the point in that relationship? 

I'm not saying you should throw any and all expectations out the window, I'm just saying you may consider lowering the bar. Analyze your measure that you hold everyone up to...chances are its too high. And I don't know about you but I hate feeling disappointment. 

Just because someone doesn't ask you how your weekend was after you've asked them doesn't mean they are a bad person. If someone doesn't take as much interest in you as you do in them it doesn't necessarily mean they are selfish. And it shouldn't mean you stop being you and caring; just don't expect the same back. You may be putting in too much. I know I do. I am always trying to please and feel like less than 50% of the time I get the same back. 

I understand now that that is a reflection of me and no one else. I'm always caring for someone else, going out of my way for people, offering up help for no reason,  remembering things people tell me that I file away in my memory as important to them so therefore important to me. I will remember your favorite colors. Favorite meals, stories that you've shared, fears and accomplishments; I remember it all. II will get your back in a fight and stand up for your beliefs. I am fiercely loyal. But that's me and doesn't have to be you. 

I'm not saying I'm a saint and I'm not telling you this for praise. I'm writing because its taken me a long time to understand that it's a matter of what I expect and not something others necessarily need to change. And if there are truly selfish d-bags that never ask you how you are and act like they care only long enough to talk about themselves then fuck em! Take back your care and respect and tell them to take a hike. Not worth it. 

I do not expect everyone to think or act the same. I don't think everyone will show care, love or friendship in the same way. I no longer expect phone calls or texts back, well wishes on my birthday, or even a good morning salutation.  

All I expect is decency. I expect people I care about to care for me in return. I expect those who say they are my friend to act like it. I expect my family to love me unconditionally and stand by my side. I expect people to give me archive when I ask for it but also let me try and fall and not fix me so I can learn from my mistakes. I expect genuineness and sweetness and respect. 

Share!!

I've been asked a few times how I can be comfortable writing so openly and have been commended for putting it all out there so publicly in this blog. I have been told by several people that they have shared many of the same fears or feelings I've written about and haven't been able to share it before reading my blog. I am very humbled and honored that my writing and sharing of my experiences have meant something to people. But I also say to them...share!

Of course it's not easy to open up and share the intimate fears and struggles of your life, especially in such a public forum. But your struggles, fears, frustrations, sadness, disappointments, whatever may be plaguing you must come out. It is not only unhealthy to ball everything up into a painful supernova of negative emotion, but you should have people in your life you genuinely trust that you can allow in and help you. 

Chances are if someone is close to you and willing to lay it all on the line and let you in, you are able to do the same. I have very few people in my life that I have allowed to see the true person I am, every side to me, the good, the bad and the ugly. I have a few people close enough to me to know how much I care, how truly sensitive I am, how hard I love, and how guarded I come across. 

I have made a serious effort to allow myself to trust enough to share who I am and what I am feeling. More people need to do this - let someone trying to help in, shed the tough skin and be upfront about your woes. We all have good days and shitty days, sometimes more shitty than good. But if someone lets you help them, tear down your wall and let them help you back. It has taken me a long time to realize that it is okay to feel and alright to let people in. I just wish more people would do the same. 

And also related to letting out your feelings, I have been thinking a lot about personal responsibility for our emotions and what we allow to get us down in the first place. Most of us do not seem to be aware of how much our moods affect others close to us. I am guilty of this and am trying to be more aware of how my actions or emotions affect others.

I've also realized that I have control over who I let put me in a bad mood or hurt me. It's amazing how much better life is when you realize this. You can fight me, yell, scream, jump up and down, try to push me around, get jealous, act a fool, do whatever you wish; but you are not going to get me down or break my stride. It's not worth letting my whole day turn to shit because of someone elses emotions. 

I can only control and be responsible for my own feelings and actions. I can only live my life focusing on my own fears and feelings, letting in those close to me to help me along the way. And I really need to remember not to take myself so damn seriously!