Finding the Routine

It is hard to believe its been almost 3 months since I wrote a new blog. School last semester really kicked my ass, as well as a large conference I was coordinating from 3000 miles away. Oh and did I mention I also worked about 50 hours a week on top of that at a really demanding job in a state of transition? Not to sound like a bitchy excuse maker, but suffice it to say I was completely overwhelmed.

So - I'm back. School starts up again soon so I can't guarantee I'll be posting that often, but I promise to try to post with as much regularity as I possibly can.

Life has definitely been more positive than the past few months, which may also be part of the reason for the lack of new posts. It's so much easier to write when in a foul mood or upset and processing some dark emotion. I always feel like an idiot writing about happy times. I don't want to sound like someone rubbing it in saying, "I am just so happy... blah blah blah." That to me sounds like an attention seeker farting rainbows and gumdrops on everyone's not so perfect life. Not my style.

But I also don't want to be the Debbie Downer naysayer who is a chronic complainer. So let's just call it a fifty fifty past few months. There have been some bumps in the road, but overall its been a great few months.

Something I am struggling with right now with all this down time from work is the concept of trust. Its so hard for me to really let my guard down and expose the vulnerability or real emotion I typically keep bottled up in a deep, hidden space in my heart. I feel like trusting people and really letting them in, more often than not, equals me getting hurt. And who the fuck wants to get hurt?!?

But I am not going to build a healthy relationship by shutting down and closing myself off or distrusting. I have to learn to believe it when I am told I am loved and accepted. I have to love myself. I have to accept that there will always be the potential to get hurt no matter how much I try to protect myself, and at the end of the day it doesn't make it easier by keeping those I love at a distance, it actually makes things more difficult.

In being almost a year out on my own I've learned a lot about living alone and doing things for myself. I've come to realize that even while I had a partner there physically, I was actually alone more than I realized. I still struggle to find motivation to go to dinners alone, and have a hard time at night when my tiny apartment is still and dark. I find it difficult to grocery shop for 1 and hate not having a snuggle companion to curl up with and watch TV or even just sit in silence to enjoy each others company.

But I know that as the time passes it does get easier and a new routine is established. I look at it similar to when I quit smoking. I was a pack a day cigarette smoker. Parliament Lights 100's baby. I guess since they were the extra long smokes you could say I actually smoked a pack and a half. I dedicated my time to habitually smoking for over 10 years, and have been proudly smoke free for 5. It was so hard to quit. I wasn't just giving up the one act of lighting and inhaling a cigarette, but rather a lifestyle and all the activities that I enjoyed that coupled well with smoking. I used to wake up and have a hot cup of coffee on my porch with a smoke. I used to love to smoke at sunset at the beach. I always enjoyed a cigarette after a satisfying meal. Take out the smoking from those moments and I felt like I had nothing. So I stopped all of it. I stopped sitting on my porch all together. I hardly went to the beach at sunset, until last year. It took time and patience and acceptance that things had changed before I could establish new, healthier routines. And you know what, I eventually did it. I am still smoke free and now enjoy the beach. I love a good meal and feel satisfied without a smoke after I am done. I sit outside on the deck often and taken in the sweet smells of the nature surrounding me, rather than the stench of a smoke stick.

In time I have started to establish new patterns and routines for myself, and I tell anyone going through or about to go through a divorce the following... IT DOES GET EASIER IF YOU WANT IT TO AND YOU WORK AT IT. It is a daily struggle, but you MUST NOT give up. YOU MUST look deeper within EVERY situation in order to push yourself to accepting the things that you cannot change and finding the courage to change the things you can.

I have opened my mind to a lot of things and have opened my heart to love. I am free of so many things that caused me pain and ready and willing to shed the skin of insecurity and fear and reveal all of who I am, vulnerable and raw, real and emotional.

To life I say bring it on. To you, if you are struggling, I say you are loved and you are strong and one day those giant mountains of pain become smaller rolling hills and eventually become so minor you don't event realize you're on a journey. Live life, power through it, enjoy the moments in between, and never look back. Follow the beat of your heart and the instinct in your gut.

On Moving

I have been told that my best posts are when I am raw and vulnerable. Well here is where I am right now. I am feeling down. Feeling low. I am scared. Sensitive. Vulnerable.

I am sure a good portion of this is hormonal, but there is a healthy amount of insecurity and the feeling of being uncared for on top of it. But I am the only one to blame for feeling a lack of care. I don't exactly ask for help. But God damn it today I really needed it!!! I really needed to be a priority and should have said as much. I should have been more demanding of the time I needed. I needed someone to be there for me. Be available. I just didn't ask. I just tell everyone I'm fine. 

I am laying here down in the dumps and it's all my fault. I did it again. I had high expectations because I held on to something that was said most likely as casual, wishful conversation, but in my mind I made it a binding agreement. I was under the impression this vacation would be more eventful than it is. And as a result of getting my hopes up I am laying here in a hoodie and sweat pants feeling sorry for myself. 

I feel like I'm always there when people feel bad. I'll rearrange my schedule to go out of my way to make someone feel better or make sure they know they aren't alone. I wish I had that. But again, no one asked me to be so available. I did that to myself. 

I am having a hard time, totally anxious and overwhelmed with this move. I want to go to sleep and wake up to a packed apartment ready to move. I want to feel some peace, tranquility and stability of a consistent routine again. I want to get away and have a moment to breathe. I want clarity in my chaotic mind. I want so much for a happy life and am willing to work hard for it. Hard work that pays off, a successful career, a supportive and loving partner, fairytale romantic getaways, a happy family, deep belly laughter - a happy life. If everything happens for a reason this is the greatest test for me. It's my lesson to learn in patience, trust, letting go and being flexible. It is also a lesson to find my new voice and strength. 

The move this time has really affected me. This one is hard to get through. Life is much harder than anyone ever tells you it will be. I am moving physically to a new home or as much a home as I can make it, and I am moving in emotional directions as well. I am letting the control go, being myself and putting it all out there, raw, exposed and completely me. I am terrified. I throw my hands up, close my eyes, and enjoy the crazy ride.

To Thine Own Self Be True?

I am at a point in my life where I am more open and honest with my friends and those I care about than I have ever been before. As I mentioned in my last blog entry, I am actively breaking down the wall I spent years constructing out of self defense. I had a great night having dinner with a dear friend, opening up and being completely myself. It feels so good to be me, for better or worse; honest about who I am and what I feel.

I have spent so long hiding. I used to shy away from discussing things that truly bothered me and realize now that really does no one any good. It is not fair to myself. I got this tattoo on my wrist several years ago that says, "to thine own self be true." It is the advice Polonius gives to his son Laertes in Act 1 of Shakespeare's Hamlet. I have forgotten to take my own advice and honor the quote I felt so important that I put it permanently on my body.

I let my guard down recently and let someone in. I am feeling vulnerable and want to know definitively that I am not going to get hurt. I want to know there is real substance and commitment. Truth be told the whole process of opening up and showing my true colors scares the shit out of me. Most people in my life, as I know I've said in my blog entries before, only get to see the parts of myself I am comfortable sharing. The parts of my personality I deem "approved." I rarely show the other parts of my personality that are more obsessive, controlling, even a bit negative. I try to keep that to myself so I do not offend or make a bad impression. So that I am not judged. But nonetheless they are a part of me and it has become clear to me recently that if I am hiding these parts of my personality there must be a good reason. I am working so hard on improving what I find unacceptable about myself or worthy of change. I want to be better. I am always trying to improve and be the best I can be. I really care a lot.

For those I have let in, you know who you are, I am who I am and I hope you take that as it is and do not abuse it. I have let you in for a reason. I am me - the good, the bad and the ugly. We are all just people trying to sort out the chaos and confusion life throws at us, trying to make the best of the cards we are dealt and build our empire. We are all trying to set examples and be leaders in our own right. I ask that you do not judge me. That you embrace the change we are all facing, with understanding. I ask that you take me with a grain of salt and treat me kindly.  I ask that you are upfront and honest even if it may be unpleasant. I ask that you be a true friend. Life has been unbalanced for a very long time and it was not until recently that it started to feel right again. To feel safe and whole.

It was a great night with a great friend. And it was nice to be true to myself and be accepted.