Loss is loss. It comes in many shapes and sizes, forms and situations.
I feel like I’ve experienced more than most and yet it is still difficult to
deal with and work through. The pain from a loss, whether it is a death of a
loved one or friend or it is an end of a relationship, leaves a hole that
becomes a gnawing void that you want so badly to fill with distractions and
instant gratification. It is a lacking from something that once was so joyous
and full of love that causes a burning, stinging pain that is almost torturous
at moments of complete silence. It is the times of stillness that the mind
races and almost instantaneously locates that gaping wound and picks at it,
focusing on the longing for the companionship you once had or the smile of the
person that is no longer with us. It is so hard to accept the unsettling feelings
and the emptiness that comes with coping with loss, but acceptance and forward
momentum are the only true ways to heal.
Healing is a funny concept when dealing with an emotional
pain. Healing isn’t just popping a pill and over a short period of time getting
better. Healing as it refers to loss is processing and allowing time to grieve,
being temporarily reckless, falling completely apart and becoming a total mess,
shutting down and yelling and screaming, sleeping a hell of a lot and
overindulging on food and drinks. It is most importantly going through the motions
and picking yourself back up again; dusting off the anger and resentment,
sobering up in every sense, and learning to live a different life. It isn’t
filling the void – it is learning to work with it, building up happiness and
success in other avenues of your life, to make the void seem smaller and
smaller.
Today, I read a post from my ex on Facebook, which stated
that 2015 is the year of rebirth and starting over, taking life into his own
hands as a happier stronger person. I am so happy for him. But I am also very
sad. I am sad for myself because, while it is true that I made the choice to
leave our marriage, I still have such fond sentiment when I think of the
memories we shared. Twelve long years included so many great times; full, deep
belly laughter, crying good tears, companionship and a deep bond during some
very dark times. He was my rock and will always be a best friend to me. I do
not look at my loss of our relationship as a bad thing. It was necessary as we
both outgrew our relationship. Our codependency was preventing us from being
the best versions of ourselves that we possibly could be and held us back from
our full potential.
A good friend of mine told me that he was proud of me and admires
my ability to make things happen for myself. He said that he sees me set my
mind on something, whether it is a tangible goal or working through an
emotional issue, and watches me move forward without stopping until the goal is
accomplished. I have never stopped to really think about my process for
advancement or getting through a challenge; it’s always just been what I do. My
mom has said several times that I have matured and become a very strong and
focused woman, going for what I want and making it happen. There are reasons
for this. I recognize why I am this way, and it is a result of loss.
When my dad passed away when I was twenty my world was
turned upside down. I was broken and completely devastated. I was hopeless and
felt like there was nothing worth fighting for. But over time, I went through
the processes of loss and grieving, and anger and resentment subsided and
things got easier to deal with. I knew I was accepting of my father’s death
when I had the realization that life can be taken at any moment and therefore
it is very important to live in the present and to the fullest. My dad passing
away proved to me that we never know how much time we will have. The worst
thing to me would be dying without feeling fulfilled or knowing that I did not
do everything in my power to accomplish my dreams.
2015 is going to be a year of more personal growth, acceptance
of loss and pain that I have been through and that may come my way, as well as
a year of adventure. My loss does not determine my reality. As my ex used to
always say, it is our focus that determines our reality. This I know he was correct
about.
