Be Careful What You Read

Loss is loss. It comes in many shapes and sizes, forms and situations. I feel like I’ve experienced more than most and yet it is still difficult to deal with and work through. The pain from a loss, whether it is a death of a loved one or friend or it is an end of a relationship, leaves a hole that becomes a gnawing void that you want so badly to fill with distractions and instant gratification. It is a lacking from something that once was so joyous and full of love that causes a burning, stinging pain that is almost torturous at moments of complete silence. It is the times of stillness that the mind races and almost instantaneously locates that gaping wound and picks at it, focusing on the longing for the companionship you once had or the smile of the person that is no longer with us. It is so hard to accept the unsettling feelings and the emptiness that comes with coping with loss, but acceptance and forward momentum are the only true ways to heal.

Healing is a funny concept when dealing with an emotional pain. Healing isn’t just popping a pill and over a short period of time getting better. Healing as it refers to loss is processing and allowing time to grieve, being temporarily reckless, falling completely apart and becoming a total mess, shutting down and yelling and screaming, sleeping a hell of a lot and overindulging on food and drinks. It is most importantly going through the motions and picking yourself back up again; dusting off the anger and resentment, sobering up in every sense, and learning to live a different life. It isn’t filling the void – it is learning to work with it, building up happiness and success in other avenues of your life, to make the void seem smaller and smaller.

Today, I read a post from my ex on Facebook, which stated that 2015 is the year of rebirth and starting over, taking life into his own hands as a happier stronger person. I am so happy for him. But I am also very sad. I am sad for myself because, while it is true that I made the choice to leave our marriage, I still have such fond sentiment when I think of the memories we shared. Twelve long years included so many great times; full, deep belly laughter, crying good tears, companionship and a deep bond during some very dark times. He was my rock and will always be a best friend to me. I do not look at my loss of our relationship as a bad thing. It was necessary as we both outgrew our relationship. Our codependency was preventing us from being the best versions of ourselves that we possibly could be and held us back from our full potential.

A good friend of mine told me that he was proud of me and admires my ability to make things happen for myself. He said that he sees me set my mind on something, whether it is a tangible goal or working through an emotional issue, and watches me move forward without stopping until the goal is accomplished. I have never stopped to really think about my process for advancement or getting through a challenge; it’s always just been what I do. My mom has said several times that I have matured and become a very strong and focused woman, going for what I want and making it happen. There are reasons for this. I recognize why I am this way, and it is a result of loss.

When my dad passed away when I was twenty my world was turned upside down. I was broken and completely devastated. I was hopeless and felt like there was nothing worth fighting for. But over time, I went through the processes of loss and grieving, and anger and resentment subsided and things got easier to deal with. I knew I was accepting of my father’s death when I had the realization that life can be taken at any moment and therefore it is very important to live in the present and to the fullest. My dad passing away proved to me that we never know how much time we will have. The worst thing to me would be dying without feeling fulfilled or knowing that I did not do everything in my power to accomplish my dreams.

2015 is going to be a year of more personal growth, acceptance of loss and pain that I have been through and that may come my way, as well as a year of adventure. My loss does not determine my reality. As my ex used to always say, it is our focus that determines our reality. This I know he was correct about.

A Bipolar Year with a Happy Ending

I ended 2014 with a vacation which was such a great way to close out a year that has been trying and has often tested my ability to cope and my resolve. I was put through my paces and faced some real pain, but have managed to overcome and stay positive through it all. I feel like I’m ending 2014 on a very hopeful note and am ready to conquer 2015, making life happen instead of waiting for adventure to take place.

2014 was a bipolar year for me. A total up and down roller coaster from one extreme to another. I had some hard times, especially the most painful part of it all, which was ending my marriage after being together a total of twelve years. I don’t take that lightly and it has been a very difficult and eye opening experience going through the divorce process. I’ve put a lot out there for you to read and have shed light on what it is like learning how to live alone after never really doing so, but there are some deep personal wounds that come from such a journey that I have kept very quiet and close to my heart. Getting divorced has tested my will, my resolve, my ability to love, my openness and my heart. It has made me question everything about the person I am and what I will become. It has made me reconsider what I want out of my life and the values of family.

But it has also opened my eyes to the life I can live and to my full potential that I have not been living up to. It has made me closer to my friends, a better listener, more understanding, driven and accepting. I have a greater passion for love and living true to oneself. Out of being on my own has come an independence that has been burning inside me like a furnace, pushing me to travel and make decisions and stand up for myself. I see value in the person I have grown to be that I was unaware of before.

This past year has also brought new people into my life that I am so very thankful for. I have had opportunities to make good friends that I know are lifelong and just as thankful for our friendship as I am. Through these friends I have been able to learn different types of love and have found a silly side to my personality. I have grown from them, been encouraged and found true companionship. In some of my friends I have been able to see a lot of qualities my dad used to have, feeling as if he is even more so still with me just in a different form.

Within this year I have helped my mom recover from a freak accident, watching our relationship grow and mature. I said goodbye to my last grandparent, accepted the permanent distance between my father’s family and I, learned how to be more accepting of my emotions and even began to meditate. I received a promotion at work, moved to a place I absolutely love, found inner peace and love for myself. The growth in 2014 has shown me the importance of being open and honest about feelings and intentions. It was a year about acceptance, recognition, ownership, love, healing, kindness, charity and embracing change.

To my friends who have been by my side throughout the year – thank you! I know I have been a pain in the ass, overemotional as well as completely closed off, timid and hesitant, loud and obnoxious, direct and rude, etc. I have not always been the best friend that I know I could be and I promise 2015 will be better. Thank you for not giving up on me.

To my friends who are struggling with the closing of one year and unresolved issues – you are not alone. Life is funny and has a way of teaching us lessons we were unaware we needed to learn. If you feel you have not been successful or accomplished much this past year, you are wrong. You have taught me to be better, stronger, and more open, take myself less seriously, and push myself to learn more. You have been a great friend and that is definitely something to take pride in.

This vacation to Baltimore, even more so than the last trip, has opened my eyes to my ability to choose for myself. The most important thing that I have learned within 2014 has been my voice. I have learned that I have the voice to speak up and choose my own destiny. I am the only one who can decide my happiness and the direction of my future and it is my responsibility to myself and everyone in my life to speak up.

2015, I’m coming for you! You have no idea the force that is heading your way. Here’s to a new year full of change, good fortune, new beginnings, the good kind of unknown, friendships and love.

Happy New Year Everyone!!

"Everything Sucks, Some of the Time"

My friend posted a link on Facebook to an article by Mark Manson, blogger and former professional dating coach for men. Since 2013 Mark Manson has written about gender relations, life purpose, ambition and motivation, cultural issues, personal happiness, etc. The link posted by my friend today was focused on life purpose, titled 7 Strange Questions That Help You Find Your Life Purpose which you can read here: http://markmanson.net/life-purpose.

Manson brings up an interesting topic and something that is often on my mind. What are were here to do? Do we have a purpose? It’s such a difficult question to answer, and impossible to answer with any certainty. According to Manson, there are seven questions we should be asking ourselves in order to figure out the purpose of our existence.

Something he mentions in the first question is very true. “Everything sucks, some of the time.” This is not to say that there is something necessarily negative to every job or situation we are involved in throughout our lives, but rather there are difficulties and challenges with everything we do. There are parts of our jobs we are not going to be thrilled about or excited to perform. There are moments we will experience that are less pleasant or even painful to handle, but they are just momentary and pass. And the joy we once experience will return. I look at this and think that it is very liberating to accept that this is just fact and then move forward to finding the job or project that makes you the most happy. I know so many people who are good a myriad of things and have varying strengths and weaknesses professionally. They seem to always be searching for the “perfect job” where they will be continuously fulfilled, never bored, and have just the right amount of growth opportunities. I don’t think that exists. I do not think that there will ever be the “perfect” anything out there, be it a job, friendship, marriage, boyfriend, girlfriend, parental relationship, etc. Perfect, along with the word should, needs to be wiped out of the dictionary. They are units of measure that are simply impossibility that set us up for failure and self-judgment.

Another part of Manson’s article that struck a chord with me was remembering the things we loved as children that made us forget about the rest of the world around us. I recall being a child and sitting at my little desk in my room drawing pictures and painting for hours. I would completely lose track of time and be engrossed in my picture of a bouquet of flowers or a horse running in a field. I would follow the lines of my pencil on my paper and disappear into my own imagination, and nothing else would matter. I haven’t felt a passion for a hobby or had the ability to detach and do something I truly love with the same amount of spirit in years. I have forgotten how to love something that much with such strong passion. I think as adults we all have lost this spirit and it is so important to find it again and feel a connection to something besides overworking, watching television and sleeping, which seem to be the main activities people my age participate in with regularity these days.

Manson’s last two questions, if you had to leave the house all day, every day, where would you go and what would you do? and if you knew you were going to die one year from today, what would you do and how would you want to be remembered? I believe are the most important questions we should ask ourselves. Personally, if I was forced to leave my house every day and not go to some coffee shop to waste my time Facebook stalking and compulsively checking the news feed, I would go hiking and volunteer my time at several animal shelters I’ve worked with in the past. For me, this goes hand in hand with the last question. The legacy I’d like to leave is that I did my part to help others, especially animals who are voiceless and cannot stand up for themselves when they are neglected, abused, or uncared for. 

If I were to die within a year of today I would like to be remembered for loving the life I lived, even with the pain and loss I’ve suffered, for experiencing life and trying new things, being brave and adventurous, and having a kind, nurturing spirit. I would spend my time hiking, appreciating the stability of the hardened soil beneath my feet, the oxygen in my lungs from the trees around me and the warmth on my back from the sun above. I would spend my time giving back to those who cannot help themselves and leave a mark on the earth that I made a difference, even if it were only to a few.

I have had one hell of a year, with so much change and WAY too many tears shed. I have a very intense therapy session to attend tonight that scares me when I think about what I will uncover, but it also motivates me to really dig deep into what this article says and the life I am living versus the life I want to have. I am trying this new thing called thinking positively, and in doing so I am looking at my life from here on out as a fresh start. A new time to reinvent myself and rediscover the things I am passionate about. It is my time to build my friendships and find love and happiness and someone out there who compliments my attributes and shares the same goals. It is my time to work hard and grow professionally, take risks and build confidence. Yes, there has been a tremendous amount of loss, but there are also great things coming up on the horizon. Everything sucks, some of the time. It is true and accepting that is half the battle.

L’Chaim.

What's It Going To Take?

I think I'm more excited that today is Saturday than yesterday's Valentines Day holiday. I am so happy to have a few days off even if it's full of homework and chores. At least it's my time and it's stress free.

Last week was chalked full of negative every and bad vibes and it really got to me. My only recourse  was to shut up and quietly plug away to get through my days. I hate weeks like that because I generally love being at work and enjoy what I do. But weeks full of bad attitudes and people rushing around with a sense of secretive urgency really start to wear you down. 

I got up this morning slowly after finally sleeping in and thought about how it's almost been 1 year since I turned 30 and since I made the choice to be completely sober. It's amazing how quickly time has passed and just how much has gone on during that time. Being back in school is bringing up reminiscent memories of the first try at college and the fun times with my crazy friends in my early 20's. I miss the parties and being completely uninhibited, the laughter and that larger than life feeling. 

I've spent the year struggling to find my place. It's been a very difficult year with a lot of change. I am finally feeling comfortable in my own skin like I am a new me that I am okay with. I don't worry about being out at a bar as much and am okay saying no to a drink without feeling fearful. Sure I miss it and have a feeling I always will, but I'm okay with that as long as I get support where I need it. 

As my birthday approaches in a few months I can't help but feel restless and refuse to let any more unproductive time pass me by. I'm not wasting a second. I have a lot of emotion in my little body and I'm going to start showing it, in a good way. 

How many of you feel like you want to change something about yourself but don't have a clue where to start? Or you just don't try because it seems like too much of an uphill battle? 

The best place to start is anywhere. If your goal is losing weight, just start making better choices with food and exercise. It is so easy to accept the status quo and just exist, but I ask you this... Is just existing really living? I sure don't think so.

Life isn't a cake walk for me right now. Our business is struggling a bit, my mom is still trying to recover from a major injury, my grandma is dying, two of Toms uncles have incurable cancer, marriage isn't always easy, etc. But that is life; there will always be things to work on or have to fight through. I am not letting it stop me!

Are you? 

On Life, Death and Everything In Between

Yesterday was my 100^th blog, and early this morning I decided to review some of the blogs with the highest readership. A lot has gone on this past year, and that isn’t even a full year of blogging. 100 blogs in 8 months… I never realized I had that much to say.

The trip down memory lane got me thinking about life, death and everything in between. Like almost every human being I know, I go through my rough patches which can be dark, a bit negative and hopeless. I, like any normal person, occasionally lose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel, and feel like throwing my hands up at the challenges that come my way. This blog has been a blessing – a true outlet for me to let you what I usually keep bottled up inside and in turn hopefully can help someone else going through a similar situation.

I want to impart something to you. Something I have been thinking about since early this morning. Something that may help you as you go about your days or may not and you might think I’m preachy and full of it. Take out of this what you wish, leave it if you do not care; the choice is yours.

Working in my industry and losing a parent at a young age makes me acutely aware of how fragile life really is. It can be taken at any moment. Death is obviously inevitable and can be peaceful and calm or be a very scary, painful exit. We have no meter to warn us when our time is up; no empty light or cautionary sign. We exist, day in and day out, and hope that we will be there to see the next. And most of the time we live our lives on autopilot, living out a daily routine week after week.

In looking back at my blogs I apologize for complaining about the “everything in between” as much as I have. I am lucky to have that – to have it all; the stresses, the anxiety, the drama, the loss, the pain… I am lucky to have the ability to feel, even if they are negative. We are all lucky to go through the motions, even if it is the routine of daily life.

I never thought I’d be afraid of my own death, but the thought of my mortality scares me. It is the ultimate unknown and so final. Being surrounded by death every day is not easy to adjust to. It is a daily reminder that the end may be closer than it appears. But it is also a wake-up call to me that I need to pay more attention to. I have a daily reminder right in my face telling me to slow down, lighten up, and enjoy the “everything in between.”

So I give this gift to you. Slow down! Look around and be aware. Show more appreciation for those you love and those you care for. Take in the world as it moves around you and find your balance. Worry less. Trust more. Open your heart wider and fill it with more love; more joy; more energy; more compassion. Focus less on the ugliness of others and concern yourself with improving your own inner dialogue. Judge less and help more.

I woke up today feeling anxious, fearful of my family’s financial stability, a bit low. After reading all of these blogs and the emails from some loyal readers, I feel empowered to get back on track and be a better person. I feel alive and want to live a better daily life.

I do not know when my last days will be, hopefully not any time soon. But knowing that there will be an end at some point, I will life better, love harder, be stronger and hopefully you will too.

Happy Day - The Best Kinda Day

Getting in a quick blog before meeting a friend for dinner. There is something so nice about ending the day with a good laugh to make your work day feel in sync and eventful. It's like despite things being a chaotic shit show, everything at the moment worked smoothly and felt right. A little laughter and silly humor goes a long way. 

I am really looking forward to dinner with my friend. It's been a while since we've hung out and it's been a while since I've been out. 

I got into a conversation today accountability and being for the choices we make. I have, for better or worse, made the choices I have and must live with the outcome or make changes. It's comforting to know that there are other people in the same boat; that it's not just me dealing with a complicated life.

I am constantly tossing this question around in my mind: is life really about moving from one situation to another trying to stay afloat, getting over one hurdle to have things enjoyable for only a brief moment before reaching the next challenge? Is that really living a happy life? 

This year has quickly become the year for change. I am going to work hard to fix that which I feel is broken or reconfigure what I see needs tweaking. Life is so short, I feel like I might as well enjoy the ride even if it is a momentary trip to the next challenge. 

Today was a positive day, one could even say a fun day. All things must really happen for a reason. 

Don't Fear the New Year

I am finally getting out my first blog of the New Year. I was completely overwhelmed with the holidays and life events in December and did not get a chance to write a year in review recap blog I intended to do for the closing of 2013. So, to welcome the new year properly I decided to look back at the events of 2013, both highlights and challenges, in order to make 2014 a stronger, better, more successful year.

2013 had many highlights – Our plumbing company acquired a shop location; I applied to University of Massachusetts and got accepted; I took a solo trip to beautiful Morro Bay for the weekend; Tom and I won a trip to Panama and flew there first class; We visited family in Philly and Delaware; I turned 30 and decided to be 100% sober; Had many great times with friends; Had a Lightcap family reunion in a beautiful mansion overlooking the beach in San Clemente; Had professional growth at my job; grew even closer to my biological family; etc.

There were also some low points – My mom suffered a tragic freak accident that broke her humorous in half and left her with permanent nerve damage; As a result of her injury I have developed a debilitating anxiety condition that prevents me from being useful during emergencies; We had some financial hardship that we are finally coming out of; Tom knocked his front teeth out and now has a permanent bridge; Celebrated the 10 year anniversary of my dad passing away; Suffered from the flu twice during the holidays; etc.

All in all, 2013 was a year of growth. I have regained my love for exercise and have become completely obsessed with Cardio Barre. I have been working on my relationship with my husband as well as my connection with friends. I have tapped into a deep love that I have for many things in my life and embraced each and every moment. As I look onto 2014 I hope for even greater success in every avenue; I wish for an easy time with school which starts in 11 days; I want to open my eyes to any flaws I am dissatisfied with and have the strength and means to correct them; I hope to get over my anxiety troubles and push past any other obstacles that cross my path. I want this year to be the very best it can be and I promise to work hard to be the very best version of myself.

Happy New Year to all of my friends and family; Wishing you the best of the best and then some!