Finding the Routine

It is hard to believe its been almost 3 months since I wrote a new blog. School last semester really kicked my ass, as well as a large conference I was coordinating from 3000 miles away. Oh and did I mention I also worked about 50 hours a week on top of that at a really demanding job in a state of transition? Not to sound like a bitchy excuse maker, but suffice it to say I was completely overwhelmed.

So - I'm back. School starts up again soon so I can't guarantee I'll be posting that often, but I promise to try to post with as much regularity as I possibly can.

Life has definitely been more positive than the past few months, which may also be part of the reason for the lack of new posts. It's so much easier to write when in a foul mood or upset and processing some dark emotion. I always feel like an idiot writing about happy times. I don't want to sound like someone rubbing it in saying, "I am just so happy... blah blah blah." That to me sounds like an attention seeker farting rainbows and gumdrops on everyone's not so perfect life. Not my style.

But I also don't want to be the Debbie Downer naysayer who is a chronic complainer. So let's just call it a fifty fifty past few months. There have been some bumps in the road, but overall its been a great few months.

Something I am struggling with right now with all this down time from work is the concept of trust. Its so hard for me to really let my guard down and expose the vulnerability or real emotion I typically keep bottled up in a deep, hidden space in my heart. I feel like trusting people and really letting them in, more often than not, equals me getting hurt. And who the fuck wants to get hurt?!?

But I am not going to build a healthy relationship by shutting down and closing myself off or distrusting. I have to learn to believe it when I am told I am loved and accepted. I have to love myself. I have to accept that there will always be the potential to get hurt no matter how much I try to protect myself, and at the end of the day it doesn't make it easier by keeping those I love at a distance, it actually makes things more difficult.

In being almost a year out on my own I've learned a lot about living alone and doing things for myself. I've come to realize that even while I had a partner there physically, I was actually alone more than I realized. I still struggle to find motivation to go to dinners alone, and have a hard time at night when my tiny apartment is still and dark. I find it difficult to grocery shop for 1 and hate not having a snuggle companion to curl up with and watch TV or even just sit in silence to enjoy each others company.

But I know that as the time passes it does get easier and a new routine is established. I look at it similar to when I quit smoking. I was a pack a day cigarette smoker. Parliament Lights 100's baby. I guess since they were the extra long smokes you could say I actually smoked a pack and a half. I dedicated my time to habitually smoking for over 10 years, and have been proudly smoke free for 5. It was so hard to quit. I wasn't just giving up the one act of lighting and inhaling a cigarette, but rather a lifestyle and all the activities that I enjoyed that coupled well with smoking. I used to wake up and have a hot cup of coffee on my porch with a smoke. I used to love to smoke at sunset at the beach. I always enjoyed a cigarette after a satisfying meal. Take out the smoking from those moments and I felt like I had nothing. So I stopped all of it. I stopped sitting on my porch all together. I hardly went to the beach at sunset, until last year. It took time and patience and acceptance that things had changed before I could establish new, healthier routines. And you know what, I eventually did it. I am still smoke free and now enjoy the beach. I love a good meal and feel satisfied without a smoke after I am done. I sit outside on the deck often and taken in the sweet smells of the nature surrounding me, rather than the stench of a smoke stick.

In time I have started to establish new patterns and routines for myself, and I tell anyone going through or about to go through a divorce the following... IT DOES GET EASIER IF YOU WANT IT TO AND YOU WORK AT IT. It is a daily struggle, but you MUST NOT give up. YOU MUST look deeper within EVERY situation in order to push yourself to accepting the things that you cannot change and finding the courage to change the things you can.

I have opened my mind to a lot of things and have opened my heart to love. I am free of so many things that caused me pain and ready and willing to shed the skin of insecurity and fear and reveal all of who I am, vulnerable and raw, real and emotional.

To life I say bring it on. To you, if you are struggling, I say you are loved and you are strong and one day those giant mountains of pain become smaller rolling hills and eventually become so minor you don't event realize you're on a journey. Live life, power through it, enjoy the moments in between, and never look back. Follow the beat of your heart and the instinct in your gut.

Love hard. Live hard. Enjoy the ride.

Wayne Dyer recently posted on Facebook this quote above and said that the holidays are a good time to focus on reconnecting with the spirit of love and living life to the fullest. Making a personal promise to live life in a more meaningful way will make each moment more enjoyable and we should approach life with a child-like awe and appreciation for its beauty.

This really resonates with me, and is something I often try to do. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the daily drama and be blinded by material and surface issues that often leave us forgetting about the small miracles that happen each day. It is so easy to get suck on selfish thoughts and so absorbed in our own lives that we forget what is important to those around us that we care about.

I read what Dyer wrote last night and found myself wishing more people did exactly what he was saying. I wish more people could get out of their own concern long enough to remember things that are important to other people like a first day at a new job, or a big meeting they were nervous to have, and take time to make sure that person knows they are being thought of. I wish people cared more and recognized that a quick text, a phone call on an important day, or even the simple act of remembering something someone told them goes a hell of a long way to another person.

But the most difficult challenge is not accepting the fact that people can be selfish and often forget what is important to others unintentionally, it is making sure you do not change how you behave in spite of it all. There are times when I want to refrain from reaching out to someone just because they have forgotten to ask me how something went when they knew I was going to do something I was scared to do. I realize it is petty of me to think like that, but after a while I feel like a fool for being more concerned with their well being than they care for me.

Inner dialogue does eventually lead me to realizing that just because someone is more selfish than I am, I should not compromise my values and be any less caring of an individual. What I can do is change my expectations of them and rely on their closeness a hell of a lot less. A friendship and especially companionship is something I take very seriously and I have always expected that what I put in I should receive in return.

With the holiday season here I am thinking about family, friendships and love a lot more. I am very thankful for the friendships I have and the life I live. I have endless opportunities ahead of me as long as I am receptive to change, willing to try, open to new adventures and honest with myself. I have friends who encourage and inspire me and I should tell them more often that they do so. I should be more open with my feelings and let people in.

I love hard. It is a fact. I used to want to change that about myself, but no longer see it as a bad thing. If the right person is out there for me, they must understand that about me and respect it. Communication is everything. Relationships with people I care about and their lives and experiences are more valuable and important to me than any material thing. Life is worth living to the fullest, love is worth experiencing. It really isn’t a bad thing to wear your heart on your sleeve and be open to new love. I think it is not worth living a life where you are scared to take a step, controlled in an old and comfortable routine. Life is a challenge to embrace, accept and challenge back.

If you are my friend, new or old, you are someone I love deeply. If you are someone I love, I care about you. If I didn’t show it enough this year, I am sorry. I will do better next year. I promise.

Love hard. Live hard. Enjoy the ride.

Part One - She Was The Road

She knew there was going to be a long stretch of road ahead of her, but it did not matter. The cold air blew through her hair, knotting strands together as she passed by one mile marker after another. The open road was slick from the overnight rain. The lines dividing her lane from that of opposing traffic were blurry and had lost their reflectiveness over time and wear. Her chest was tight and sweat slowly dripped from her brow as she watched her hometown get smaller and smaller in her rear view mirror until it was practically nonexistent. She was really doing it. The nervousness was excitement and anticipation.

For as long as she can remember she had wanted to get all of her belongings in order and disappear onto the road in the middle of the night, heading to a new city with interesting strangers to get to know. She had desired a fresh start in a place where she was able to reinvent the woman she had become and grow to really find herself. She had hoped that within this new destination she would find her heart and her true passion. Her heart is something that had gotten so small over the past ten years. It had been reduced to preservation and a daily routine, but had been so long since it beat strongly with purpose.

Her mind was sharp as a tack despite the fact that it was three o’clock in the morning. She had made sure to leave before the sun and before anyone she knew would realize she had disappeared. She hated formal goodbyes and knew that there were people in her life that would try to stop her at any expense. No one seemed to understand that this was something she had to do for herself and that for the first time in her life she was choosing to be selfish.

As the sky started to lighten and the day started to form she realized the quiet was so great. She realized that it was just her, a full tank of gas, a cold car and the seemingly endless horizon ahead of her. Every breath in filled her lungs with new purpose and excitement at the thought of all the newness to her life. It was the idea of starting over, bringing minimal belongings that were just enough to get by, and not knowing anyone that put a smile on her face. She had stripped her life down to only the bare essentials to survive after several tragic events that left her feeling helpless and lacking. It was the sequence of these events, one following another, that spurred her feelings of desire for change and personal reinvention. 

The sun started to peak through the clouds over the hills far off in the distance. Rolling down the windows, she turned on the classic rock station with a smile on her face. It had been so long since she smiled genuinely. She realized it was more than just driving this morning. She realized that she herself was the open road, miles of experience and wear behind her fading into the distance and uncharted territory waiting for her up ahead. She was the fresh, cold morning air sharp and biting at times, but refreshing. She was the sunrise peeking through the clouds, with her newly discovered positivity. She was so alive and free.  

25,000 Feet

About twenty minutes into my return flight from Baltimore this Sunday I closed my eyes and started to think about my 72 hour whirlwind adventure. The trip, while mostly business, was so enjoyable and turned out to be quite liberating for me. It wasn't about where I was going, I could have traveled to PA or NYC or really any other state. It was the act of getting on a plane and taking off to a different place, mixing things up, that woke me up to the fact that I have forgotten what it is like to do what I want and make choices for myself. It opened my eyes to what I have been missing in my life and to the things I really want to fight for.

I'm sitting here in my bed typing away and I can honestly say I feel different. These past few days I know I am a more confident, certain and strong person. I don't have a desire to take part in any drama in any sort of way and do not want people around that bring me down. I don't want to limit myself because I'm afraid anymore and really don't have much confidence in others who do. I try my best not to be too brutally blunt with people and really do need to work on reigning in my cynicism and sarcastic joking around. I have noticed that if I am upset, disappointed, frustrated from a situation, I tend to use sarcasm to express my feelings rather than talk about it. And sometimes it just comes out unintentionally with no motive. More fun things to work on.

The point of my blog is actually to talk about choices and the real value of every decision we make. It isn't to harp on the things I feel I am lacking or improvements I should make. I helped my boss coordinate this large annual conference he was asked to host for an organization within our field. It was quite an honor to be involved in the planning process and in the end I coordinated more than 90% of the conference. I was asked by the organization to coordinate the conference again this year in Baltimore, which led me to my trip this past weekend. My decision to do this also led me to making some amazing friendships and quality relationships that I would not have if I did not agree to participate.

With my eyes closed on the plane, drifting in and out of a sleep state, my mind bounced from one decision I've made in the past to another, thinking about the way they are all linked to the place I am now, sitting in this plane, heading back from an amazing trip, working at my job, doing what I do. I realize that not everyone believes that all things happen for a reason, but I do. I am starting to think coincidences do not exist. Each person in our lives serves a purpose, whether it is good or bad, whether it is a relationship that is supposed to make you think or a friendship that helps you grow. The importance of every decision is something we need to be open and willing to recognize.

This trip showed me that I not only love the East Coast, but I love my ability to do things on my own and make my own decisions. It showed me that the people in my life that do not give me what I want were good for a time, but do not need to be there any longer. I learned what true friendship and companionship is, what opportunity I have, and the value in living life in the moment and giving up a bit of control.

Tonight, even though it was Chanukah and I was alone and wishing I had kids to light the Menorah with and a family to say prayers and make potato pancakes with, I am not as sad as I had expected I would be. I know that I am loved by those important to me and for those who can't seem to be there, I really do not need them. I know that I am going back to Baltimore on another adventure and I can't wait to see what unfolds. I can't wait to approach this year taking life as it comes my way, embracing change and unknown adventure, meeting new people and taking a positive, proactive role in my life.

Happy Chanukah to my Jewish friends out there. May it be warm and bright.

Just Go With It

This morning I got up early with a bit of extra bounce in my step. We are all empowered or feel worth from different things, and for me it is being able to be there for someone. I find fulfillment in being able to give emotional support to someone I care about. Someone told me recently that I must not be aware of how amazing I am. What a compliment! I am not telling you this to brag, believe me I really don’t care to boast myself in any way. The point of sharing this is that I think this statement applies to most of us; at least the truly genuine, caring people who put others first. In giving back and doing things for those we care deeply for we are shown our goodness and compassion. I typically put people I love first – always asking if someone is comfortable, well fed, content, etc. Perhaps it’s the Jewish motherly instinct in me, or maybe it is just acting from the heart. I forget to look within and sometimes ignore the needs I have, not vocalizing what I want because I am too busy doing for others. I need to work on this.

In continuing the thinking that everything happens for a reason and life has a funny way of connecting events from day to day, it was completely appropriate to open the Facebook app on my phone while getting ready this morning and find an article posted by my friend discussing this very subject. Here is the link if you care to read it: http://elitedaily.com/life/greatest-moments-clarity-life-realizing-things-didnt-work-youre-better/773523/. The article explains that failures are completely necessary and that everything in your life happens in order for you to exist, even the unpleasant experiences. They all shape us into the individuals we were meant to be. Failures are actually some of the greatest occurrences in our lives as they remind us we are imperfect and that we always have more to learn and growth is always necessary.

The article concludes with the statement, “The moment you realize that not even loss itself can stop you, that sadness, despair, anger and fear cannot hold you back, is the moment you become perfect. Perfectly flawed, but perfect nonetheless.” This is so true and something I wish some people could truly understand. We will always disappoint other people at different points throughout our lives. We will always get upset, feel pain, mourn loss, but we must always grow from these experiences. 

I am on the mend personally and have shared a lot of my journey with you. Life has not been easy for me. I have struggled more than some and less than many, but nonetheless I have struggled. I am starting over and as I pack my apartment and the minimal belongings I have, I realize this really is the bottom. It is a clean slate. I am literally starting over from scratch and while I am apprehensive and nervous as I approach the new beginnings, I also am so excited and want to just give in to the joy and good energy I feel inside and just go with it. I am certain that I will fail again at several points in my life, and I accept that. I am okay knowing that each failure will bring me great strength and joy after I learn from it. 

In round two of my life, the second phase of my journey, I am giving in to what I feel. I’m not holding back anymore. I will share what I feel, voice what I want, get what I need, and just go with it.

Morning Meditation

I

 I woke up this morning, kept my eyes closed, and took a deep breath aware of the flow of oxygen in my body; aware of my life and who I am. I kept my eyes closed and focused on my breath, bringing in positive thoughts with every inhale and expelling the negative thoughts with every breath out. I let my mind wander and found myself thinking about the woman I am today. I smile now reflecting on the start to my morning as I am acutely aware of who I am and how different I have become. I am present in every moment and much more subdued, knowing the true meaning of picking my battles.

In moving forward with any relationship, be it friendship or love, I have come to understand that communication is the most vital component. A relationship, in my opinion, is not going to last without this. And it seems like today there are so many rules on how we should "properly communicate" with a friend or partner. "Don't give out too much information about yourself because you don't want to seem too available," or "if a friend asks for advice don't be too honest because you don't want to offend," or "don't share too many feelings with someone because it will push them away." I feel like I need a manual to have a conversation with someone these days. People wonder why I feel such a lack of confidence in communicating or making decisions. Well, this is why.

With my eyes closed this morning I realized that I am happy being who I am now, a more muted version of my previously bull headed, boisterous personality. Of course I still have opinions, however I keep a lot to myself and analyze its importance before sharing. I have a much greater filter that I use more frequently. I enjoy being quiet and taking things in more than speaking and being heard. I find it exciting and enjoyable to have someone else make decisions or do more of the talking. I have really changed, mostly because of all I have been through in my life, especially in the past few years.

As I started to open my eyes I thought about all the different opinions I've heard recently about communication. I started to think about how I communicate my wants, thoughts and fears to those in my life. I realized I do not want to have to follow a specific set of parameters in order to share with someone how I feel. If I am bothered by something I should be able to say it and know that someone is receptive and open minded enough to take it in with a grain of salt, even if it is not something they may agree with. I shouldn't have to stifle expressing a feeling because I am afraid it will be poorly received. And in turn I need to always keep an open mind and be receptive to hearing how others feel, even if it may make me upset.

I am not in the business of playing games. I am a firm believer in tell it like it is and be honest and true to your feelings. I am not going to shy away from someone because they are honest, even if it is something I didn't want to hear. I am more likely to run from someone who is too afraid to speak their mind or plays games instead of using their words.

My final thought as I got out of bed was that I value certain things in my life more than I ever thought I would. I am more traditional than I realized. I like to say good morning and good night to those I care about, and really feel that there is value to good, solid communication. I like to make sure people know I am present and expect the same in return. I value quality time over quantity more than I ever did before. It is not about how much time you can spend with someone, but the quality of the time you do have that is truly important. I am way more sensitive than I ever realized. Yes, I like to joke around a hell of a lot, but deep down inside I am a girl with feelings and emotions and all that girly stuff I fought against for so many years. I am an emotional creature and can be quite gentle and loving.

I started my day with an awareness of the body and my presence in the world and in the lives of those I love. I allowed my emotions to be felt and my thoughts to exist and not be shoved down into a place of nonexistence. I smile as I finish this blog because I am happy. I am happy with what I have and look forward to what I can gain over time. I am happy with those in my life and look forward to time with them. I have a lot to celebrate and am actively making an effort to embrace who I am on a daily basis.