Be Careful What You Read

Loss is loss. It comes in many shapes and sizes, forms and situations. I feel like I’ve experienced more than most and yet it is still difficult to deal with and work through. The pain from a loss, whether it is a death of a loved one or friend or it is an end of a relationship, leaves a hole that becomes a gnawing void that you want so badly to fill with distractions and instant gratification. It is a lacking from something that once was so joyous and full of love that causes a burning, stinging pain that is almost torturous at moments of complete silence. It is the times of stillness that the mind races and almost instantaneously locates that gaping wound and picks at it, focusing on the longing for the companionship you once had or the smile of the person that is no longer with us. It is so hard to accept the unsettling feelings and the emptiness that comes with coping with loss, but acceptance and forward momentum are the only true ways to heal.

Healing is a funny concept when dealing with an emotional pain. Healing isn’t just popping a pill and over a short period of time getting better. Healing as it refers to loss is processing and allowing time to grieve, being temporarily reckless, falling completely apart and becoming a total mess, shutting down and yelling and screaming, sleeping a hell of a lot and overindulging on food and drinks. It is most importantly going through the motions and picking yourself back up again; dusting off the anger and resentment, sobering up in every sense, and learning to live a different life. It isn’t filling the void – it is learning to work with it, building up happiness and success in other avenues of your life, to make the void seem smaller and smaller.

Today, I read a post from my ex on Facebook, which stated that 2015 is the year of rebirth and starting over, taking life into his own hands as a happier stronger person. I am so happy for him. But I am also very sad. I am sad for myself because, while it is true that I made the choice to leave our marriage, I still have such fond sentiment when I think of the memories we shared. Twelve long years included so many great times; full, deep belly laughter, crying good tears, companionship and a deep bond during some very dark times. He was my rock and will always be a best friend to me. I do not look at my loss of our relationship as a bad thing. It was necessary as we both outgrew our relationship. Our codependency was preventing us from being the best versions of ourselves that we possibly could be and held us back from our full potential.

A good friend of mine told me that he was proud of me and admires my ability to make things happen for myself. He said that he sees me set my mind on something, whether it is a tangible goal or working through an emotional issue, and watches me move forward without stopping until the goal is accomplished. I have never stopped to really think about my process for advancement or getting through a challenge; it’s always just been what I do. My mom has said several times that I have matured and become a very strong and focused woman, going for what I want and making it happen. There are reasons for this. I recognize why I am this way, and it is a result of loss.

When my dad passed away when I was twenty my world was turned upside down. I was broken and completely devastated. I was hopeless and felt like there was nothing worth fighting for. But over time, I went through the processes of loss and grieving, and anger and resentment subsided and things got easier to deal with. I knew I was accepting of my father’s death when I had the realization that life can be taken at any moment and therefore it is very important to live in the present and to the fullest. My dad passing away proved to me that we never know how much time we will have. The worst thing to me would be dying without feeling fulfilled or knowing that I did not do everything in my power to accomplish my dreams.

2015 is going to be a year of more personal growth, acceptance of loss and pain that I have been through and that may come my way, as well as a year of adventure. My loss does not determine my reality. As my ex used to always say, it is our focus that determines our reality. This I know he was correct about.

A New Beginning for Old Friends

I had a good friend who was an important part of my early to mid-twenties. It was that silly kind of friendship where you spend a majority of your time together laughing and being completely stupid. He was like a crazy slightly older brother who felt like family.  I thought we would always be friends, watch each other get married and start our own families. Sadly, things didn't go that way.

He and I had a falling out several years ago. Over that period of time I often thought of our friendship fondly. I missed him and wondered what happened that caused a rift  between us. The more time passed I gave up hope that I would ever talk to him again and get understanding and closure.

But today I got a gift just in time for Chanukah. He accepted a friend request on Facebook that I had sent quite some time ago. It was not only out of nowhere that he accepted my request, but was also on a day when I was driving home from work thinking about friendship and the past and the hopes I have for my future. And then all of a sudden I get a message from him.

I am very thankful that I get another chance to talk to him and explain what happened in my eyes and apologize for being a total bitch. I get a chance to hear him out, see the man he has become and get to know who he is today. I know I'm so different from the punk, mess of a girl that I was in my mid-twenties and I'm sure he's grown in a big way as well.

I consider moments like these validation for the way I try to live my life. I work very hard at a demanding job and on myself personally. I'm always looking within and trying to improve. I want to be the best I can as a friend, lover, daughter, mentor, employee. I am glad that he decided to reach out to me today. I was not mature enough to open dialogue between us until now. I was not over feeling hurt that he gave up on our friendship. I had to go through all the change and painful experiences in my life to become more understanding and who I am as an adult today so that I was mature enough for a better, stronger friendship. 

I am looking forward to meeting with him on Monday, catching up on all the time we lost and learning who he is now. I hope that he is forgiving for any way I was a bad friend in the past. I know that everything in my mind is water under the bridge and I am just happy to have another chance at having my friend in my life.

Chanukah this year has started off very different than the previous years. The gifts I'm receiving are not tangible or monetary. They are richer and more important. I am given the gift of second chances, self confidence, true friendship, love and affection.

Exhausted and Contemplative

I have typed and erased this opening sentence five times. I don’t know how to start this one. I have way too many things bouncing around in my head and a very sensitive heart at the moment. Nothing is clear and free flowing. Everything is jumbled, blurry, emotional, frustrating. 

I came across the quote pictured here on the right on Facebook yesterday. It is a concept we all know but forget often. I let interactions with others and failed expectations dictate my emotional state. I forget to show myself love for who I am and respect to not let people treat me poorly. I turn a blind eye to things and make excuses for people who do not give me the time and attention I deserve.

Life is so transitional for me these days and the constant work on my outlook, insecurities, fears, history, situations and relationships is difficult and exhausting. I am unsettled and unbalanced, but I am not stagnant. I am working at finding happiness, not letting my anxiety become a permanent excuse and disability. I am struggling, over emotional, worried, and at times pessimistic, but I am really trying to pull myself out of it all and gain a stronger, healthier and positive perspective. I want to be better. I want to be loved and get the attention I really deserve. I want to be able to love back.

After a very hurtful and upsetting afternoon yesterday, I was left exhausted and contemplative. I thought about what I really deserve. I deserve love. True, non-judgmental, unanticipated love that is natural and not something I have to fight for. Straight from the heart, without question, loyal and compassionate with only the best intentions. I deserve respect, shown in ways of caring about the struggles I am facing, support throughout a process, faith that I will make a good choice, and trust that I will not hurt or let you down. I also deserve companionship. True companionship can only blossom out of strong communication. Companionship is more than just having fun with another person. It is anticipation of someone’s needs without them having to ask for something. It is being by their side when they get an award, go to an event, take a leap that scares the fuck out of them or a million other things that take place in their life that involves change or growth. It is calling them in the morning to tell them you miss their voice, or saying good night because you want to show you care. It is making time for them because you want to and because you want to make them aware that you are there. Companionship is more than just laughter and joking around. It is deeper than that.  

What do you deserve?

This past weekend someone asked me what my five year plan was. The question has really left me upset. Partly because knowing everything going on in my life and all the pain and transition I am working though, the question shouldn’t have been asked. But mostly because right now I am trying to make it one day at a time. I am starting over and working through a lot of change and I am trying to focus on the light very far off in the distance. I am working towards trusting and loving again and being more definite about what I want. I am working on family issues and anxieties that I do not want to dictate my life. I thought I had a five year plan five years ago, which did not include being divorced by 32, starting over financially, living in a tiny apartment and childless with practically no family. This was NOT my five year plan and just goes to show that making those types of plans isn’t worth anything.

We never know where we will be. We never know who we will meet and who we will fall in love with or who we will wish would love us back. We never know what friendships will fizzle out or stand the test of time. We have no way of knowing any of it. I hate the unknown, but not knowing any of this is out of my control. I am going to love hard, live hard, trust and be trusted, keeping those in my life who are truly deserving and living a positive and happy life. Life lesson for this week is love and respect yourself the way you want others to treat you.

Here's to Ya!

Facebook and I have a love hate relationship. I think social media is important, especially given my profession, and is a great way for people to get news and targeted information, but it also illicits insecurity and sadness for some people. Relationships have been ruined because of jealousy or infidelity spurred from Facebook and other social media.  Friendships have been destroyed as well. The simple act of being de-friended is enough to make someone feel rejection and sadness.

What got me thinking about this is being on Facebook tonight when I was taking a break from writing a chapter in my professional portfolio. I logged on to Facebook and started reading the news feed and got to thinking about some of the old friends my ex and I used to spend time with. Wondering how some people were doing I decided to look them up in my friends list.  To my surprise a good amount of friends that I knew from when I was married had unfriended me. Some of these people had me in their wedding. One of them was my own father in law!

I know I am moving on and can't expect people to remain friends with me when their loyalty is to my ex, especially if they were friends with him before he and I met.  But it is hard to accept that all the time we spent cultivating a friendship was just so easy to dispose of. My ex father in law was the one that hurt the most. It's as if I and our marriage didn't exist. Granted, my ex father in law and I never had a strong,  close relationship, but it seems so harsh and cold to unfriend me from a social media site that is the only way we kept in contact frequently in the past. 

Seeing other people I know go through divorce and face the splitting of family, I knew this was inevitability. You just can't really prepare for how it makes you feel.  I didn't think I would honestly be bothered by this as much as I am. It's not marriage that I am mourning with this Facebook situation. It is the loss of all the other relationships and friendships I had cultivated while married that I am saddened over. 

This year's theme is starting over. It's been a rough year and I am positive it will be difficult for a while when these type of new situations come up.

The difference between this week and last is huge. While I am sad to find out that so many people have decided to no longer maintain a friendship or relationship with me, I am not debilitated by it. I am trying to approach it all with understanding and respect for their choices. I will truly miss many of them and wish them all the best things in life. 

Every step of the way through this change I am learning about myself in some way. Here's to moving on and starting over.  To new friends and making family out of those who you love.  To great memories that I will always cherish. 

Here's to ya! (A phrase often said by my former father in law.)

Facebook Status is Really a Status?

I have been thinking a lot lately about posting and checking in on Facebook - why I do it, why I share the things I do, why I think people care, etc. I have this ridiculous need to "check in" where ever I go, like the gym for instance. No one really gives a shit whether I'm working out at the Playa Vista LA Fitness or not! No one is sitting by the computer waiting with anticipation to see where I will go next. I'm just not that interesting!

So why do I do it? Cause I wish people were that interested? Maybe so. Because I'm proud of myself? Possibly. 

Last night my status post was a laundry list of the shit I had to accomplish today. It was a method of holding myself accountable. It's that whole concept of I said it so now I have to do it. And you know what? It worked! I got my ass up early and did school work, went to Ikea, went to Robbins Bros., am at the gym now and am getting my nails done at 4. I'm making it happen. Productivity was a result of Facebook!

I can also admit that I do want people to see that I'm out there doing stuff. I want people to know I've got a life full of action. It's very self-serving and I'm not proud of it, but it's a fact. Maybe people will be in the same place at the same time and we would run into one another? That's a possibility too. Maybe I just can't help myself, like a compulsion to check in and tell the Facebook world "hey, see me?! I'm cool!" Who the fuck knows.

I also see how Facebook is a trap leading to drama and unhappiness. I recently became friends with this girl. For anonymity sake I won't say any more. A few months ago I started getting to know this gal and thought we hit it off. We both went through similar loss of a parent, both have similar family dynamics. I thought she was genuine but have come to realize she is not. She has never asked me what is going on in my life. She's never taken interest or shown concern about anything but her own drama. 

I'm completely over these types of people. But opening myself up to people who let me down and turn out to be like that takes me back a few steps and makes me want to close myself off from new friendships. 

How does this relate to Facebook? I saw her on Facebook posting the usual lofty bullshit from some self motivating inspirational page, stuff that she wishes she really lived by at her core.

I really don't want this blog to come across like a bitchfest forum to complain about "stupid birches" or life's minor frustrations. I am learning life as I go working on being healthier and every so often it's hard to push past some obstacles. 

I'm pushing myself pretty hard on the elliptical right now trying to sweat it out and trying to think about positivity. Looking beyond all this petty crap I must remember that I'm lucky to have the basic freedoms to make friends, go to the gym, work where I want to work, love whoever I want to love. My biological grandfather is being honored tomorrow for being a survivor of the Holocaust. His story was one of a few featured in the Jewish Journal and he is receiving an award tomorrow. He didn't have these basic freedoms. He lost his entire biological family to the Holocaust and fought for a better life and for his family. 

I am lucky to be here today. Facebook, check ins, petty people, drama are all tiny specks of dust in comparison to the enormity of love, healthy living, family and real life.