A Bipolar Year with a Happy Ending

I ended 2014 with a vacation which was such a great way to close out a year that has been trying and has often tested my ability to cope and my resolve. I was put through my paces and faced some real pain, but have managed to overcome and stay positive through it all. I feel like I’m ending 2014 on a very hopeful note and am ready to conquer 2015, making life happen instead of waiting for adventure to take place.

2014 was a bipolar year for me. A total up and down roller coaster from one extreme to another. I had some hard times, especially the most painful part of it all, which was ending my marriage after being together a total of twelve years. I don’t take that lightly and it has been a very difficult and eye opening experience going through the divorce process. I’ve put a lot out there for you to read and have shed light on what it is like learning how to live alone after never really doing so, but there are some deep personal wounds that come from such a journey that I have kept very quiet and close to my heart. Getting divorced has tested my will, my resolve, my ability to love, my openness and my heart. It has made me question everything about the person I am and what I will become. It has made me reconsider what I want out of my life and the values of family.

But it has also opened my eyes to the life I can live and to my full potential that I have not been living up to. It has made me closer to my friends, a better listener, more understanding, driven and accepting. I have a greater passion for love and living true to oneself. Out of being on my own has come an independence that has been burning inside me like a furnace, pushing me to travel and make decisions and stand up for myself. I see value in the person I have grown to be that I was unaware of before.

This past year has also brought new people into my life that I am so very thankful for. I have had opportunities to make good friends that I know are lifelong and just as thankful for our friendship as I am. Through these friends I have been able to learn different types of love and have found a silly side to my personality. I have grown from them, been encouraged and found true companionship. In some of my friends I have been able to see a lot of qualities my dad used to have, feeling as if he is even more so still with me just in a different form.

Within this year I have helped my mom recover from a freak accident, watching our relationship grow and mature. I said goodbye to my last grandparent, accepted the permanent distance between my father’s family and I, learned how to be more accepting of my emotions and even began to meditate. I received a promotion at work, moved to a place I absolutely love, found inner peace and love for myself. The growth in 2014 has shown me the importance of being open and honest about feelings and intentions. It was a year about acceptance, recognition, ownership, love, healing, kindness, charity and embracing change.

To my friends who have been by my side throughout the year – thank you! I know I have been a pain in the ass, overemotional as well as completely closed off, timid and hesitant, loud and obnoxious, direct and rude, etc. I have not always been the best friend that I know I could be and I promise 2015 will be better. Thank you for not giving up on me.

To my friends who are struggling with the closing of one year and unresolved issues – you are not alone. Life is funny and has a way of teaching us lessons we were unaware we needed to learn. If you feel you have not been successful or accomplished much this past year, you are wrong. You have taught me to be better, stronger, and more open, take myself less seriously, and push myself to learn more. You have been a great friend and that is definitely something to take pride in.

This vacation to Baltimore, even more so than the last trip, has opened my eyes to my ability to choose for myself. The most important thing that I have learned within 2014 has been my voice. I have learned that I have the voice to speak up and choose my own destiny. I am the only one who can decide my happiness and the direction of my future and it is my responsibility to myself and everyone in my life to speak up.

2015, I’m coming for you! You have no idea the force that is heading your way. Here’s to a new year full of change, good fortune, new beginnings, the good kind of unknown, friendships and love.

Happy New Year Everyone!!

Part 2 - The Story of Brooklyn

She wasn't necessarily running away as much as she was starting over. The past decade was spent in a relationship with a man she met when she was very young and unsure of herself. Life hadn't been easy on her, throwing curve balls of tragedy and loss her way far too often. She finally got the courage to take back her life and start fresh.

The wind gets warmer as the morning approaches early afternoon and the sun rays kiss her cheeks through the windshield. She was no longer smiling as she reminisced about the past three months and the incredible pain she felt from letting someone in to her most private and secretive world. She had met someone that she thought was genuine and connected and ended up seeing the ugly truth. After putting herself out there, leaving her vulnerability and sensitivity exposed, she was left feeling used and slighted. She was not cared for as she deserved, hurt and let down, begging for passion and equal care, always feeling like she was there as a service to him when it suited his needs.

Each memory as it races through her mind causes the tears to build up and it gets harder to choke it down. Before she realizes it she is driving faster into the wind sobbing and asking why she wasn't good enough to love under her breath. It wasn't that she still cared for him or wanted him to reciprocate the affection now. It was too late for that. It was the closure from an explanation that she needed to hear from his mouth that wasn't the bullshit lines he'd been feeding her for months.

She needed to know why he pulled away and why she wasn't good enough, even though deep down inside she knew it was him who had been broken from a trusting love he thought he had with someone else. He had been damaged perhaps beyond repair and lost his own vision of self respect and worth. He had forgotten how to trust and love because he was hurt so badly by his past failures. He was blinded by his pain so badly that he was unable to recognize she was a beautiful, smart, capable, strong woman who would have cared and loved him had he let her. Although hard to believe at this moment, she will learn with confidence that he will never find any better or truer woman than her.

The tears start to dry up as she closes that chapter of thoughts in her mind and reevaluates her situatuon. She is driving with a destination in mind. She is not going to be alone forever. He was just a chapter in a long story of her life, most of it left to unfold. The story of Brooklyn.

Personal Superhero

Tonight I took my last final for my semester. This had been the worst semester to date,  especially difficult because of all I've been through personally at the start of it. Things are finally balancing out and my life seems to be back on track, but a few months ago it seemed like it all broke open and nothing made sense. I was overwhelmed and overtaken by emotions, good and painful, and couldn't gain control of my heart.

As dark and dramatic as it sounds, it is almost as if my spirit had to be broken to get back to who I once was when I was happy and confident. I had to let go, let in emotion, process new and unfamiliar pain, and let go again to understand the choices I have the power to make and appreciate each day I get to make them.

With my therapist out of town for a month, I'm left to my own devices to continue the healing process. I have recently started mindfulness meditation and have really started to enjoy the challenge of accepting the emotions I'm feeling for what they are. It's actually quite difficult to be that present and aware. I don't know if I would be able to do this without the pain.

I use my desire for companionship and partnership as motivation. I look at my hopefulness for a future full of family, love and success as a driving force to be adjusted and grounded.

The quote below is very true. I've held on to the anger and pain from my dad passing away for 11 years as of tomorrow. Tomorrow is 11 years to the date when he was taken from us far too soon. I think about him every day and am so mad at myself because I struggle to remember the sound of his voice. I reminisce of special outings and good times we shared and try my hardest to live up to his standards and make him proud. My father was my sounding board; my confidant; my hero. I was a typical daddy's girl and can only hope I am half the person he was. I aspire to be as kind, compassion, patient, understanding,  gentle and loving.

Tonight,  as I lay in bed falling asleep, I can't help but think of him and hope his spirit is still present, with me, proud of the woman I've become. I wish I could see him one last time and watch him play basketball with his buddies at Venice High School on a Saturday morning. With my eyes closed I can hear the ball bouncing on the freshly waxed gymnasium floor. I can smell the musty wear on the old wood bleachers. I can hear his laugh and his friend calling out, "hey its Dan the Man." I can feel the warmth of his smile that barely showed his top teeth as he look over at me on the side court practicing my layups. I can hear my heart beat pounding as I keep him in my mind.

Dad, I am sorry if I have failed you. I only want to make you proud and live with love and kindness as you did so gracefully. I hope you know how much I love you and miss you every single day of my life. I will love you for eternity, until we get to meet again.

Dad, you are my personal superhero.

The Power of Achievement

This weekend was fantastic. It was filled with a lot of relaxation and downtime, which I would typically think, based on previous weekends like this, would be depressing with all the quiet. However, it was actually liberating and thought provoking.

I had a lot of time to think about where I am in my life, who I have become and want to be, who I want to be with, and what I want out of my life. Not knowing how much time we all have on this earth in this life, I have always believe that it is very important to live life in a true nature, as happy and fulfilling as possible.

I feel like I've lost track of living like this and have been so wrapped up in focusing on what I've lost or has been taken from me. I have focused recently so much on the anxiety and sadness from being ignored or not cared for the way I deserve, and I've lost sight of what I should have been fighting for. I forgot that I'm important and deserving.

I got a ton of sleep and had a lot of quiet time to reflect on my post from the other day which asked the question, what do I deserve? I had time to think about my past and the aspects of my life that I would have changed. Life has been anything but easy for me and while I've had successes and achievements to get me where I am today, there are things I have experienced that I wish I could erase from my story.

The quiet of this weekend helped me find my voice and decipher what I really want from people as well as myself. I want to be successful in all aspects of my life; professionally at the top in my industry and personally in a relationship that is balanced and loving with an equal partner. I've decided that I want and deserve to be with someone who has genuine concern and shows it,  really wants to share my life and their life with me,  loves me without question, has passion for life and the adventures that come along with it. I want someone who is as fiercely loyal as I am and is also romantic and knows that while I seem very independent, sometimes I'd love a surprise bouquet of roses. Someone who isn't afraid to love.

Professionally, I want to shine. I've spent so much time riddled with anxiety over presentations and not being prepared. It is time for me to gain some confidence in my capabilities and understanding that I am damn good at what I do and have earned where I am.

A good portion of my quiet time this weekend included thinking about sense of accomplishment. This topic has been on my mind since a therapy session a few weeks ago where I was asked about my earliest achievements and couldn't name one until 20 years old. In not recognizing any personal accomplishments as I grew up I have never known a proper way to build confidence and have never seen myself as successful.

My boss reminded me this week that submitting my 50 page portfolio is quite an accomplishment that I should be exceptionally proud of. And truth be told, I really am!  It's hard to take one accomplishment and embrace and celebrate it. For me I am always looking for the next thing to work on. It's important, I'm realizing, to stop and take a moment to appreciate hard work.

I know I can't fix everything in life instantaneously. I know I'll eventually be loved and appreciated the way I want and deserve, the way I give it back. I know I'll grow within my career and rise to the top with time and experience. I know I'll have many more obstacles to get past and as well, many more accomplishments to appreciate.

I'm thankful for the good friends and family in my life while I go through this journey. I am grateful that they have stayed by my side and that I'm not alone.

I consider this weekend a success and time very well spent enjoying the silence, the contemplation and better understanding of the woman I have become and my needs.

Here's hoping for a smooth week at work and a more positive approach to that which I cannot control, those who do not act as I had hoped they would, and obstacles that get in my way.

Abandonment

This week several people mentioned to me that I discuss a lot of feelings in my blog, but avoid getting to the root of what is causing me to feel a certain way. It's true - I touch lightly on the actual cause of the emotions and talk a lot of the emotions themselves.

Hearing this from people really resonated and opened my eyes to a major flaw in my healing process. It is one step to identify what I am feeling, but I cannot move forward without discovering why I have the feelings in the first place.

I do recognize a lot of the causes of how I feel, but I am, believe it or not, a private person when it comes to some of the pain in my life. I keep what is most vulnerable close to my heart and not on display. In an effort to be a healthier, happier person, I will share with you some of what I've gone through that leaves me where I am today. 

One of the things I feel the most is the fear of abandonment. I can recall a memory from kindergarten when I was playing on the yard at recess and didn't hear the bell ring calling all the kids back to class. I had been playing on a jungle gym with the giant movable tic tac toe game at the back of the playground and was not noticed by the yard aid. I realized a few minutes later after everyone was back in class that I was alone. Instantly I forgot where my class was and remember the pit in my stomach as I panicked and thought I was left behind. 

I feel the same way now as an adult. I was told that it may be a result of being adopted. I don't doubt the validity in that. I don't recall a specific moment when I was told that I was adopted; I have always just known. And I've always felt like I was going to be left alone. And here I am, choosing to be divorced and alone and I'm really shook up. 

I feel alone in the sense of all of my relationships. If someone doesn't call to make plans, I feel like they have decided to move on. I know this isn't the case and I'm working hard to break the bad habit of feeling that way. I've looked at my life as temporary for a long time - where I live, what I do for work, jumping from one thing to the next. I'm realizing now that this is permanent. It's forever. And that finality is alarming. 

I hope you don't look at me as fractured or damaged. It is true that I am struggling through this transitional period of time in my life, but I'm doing the work to come out on top. I'm trying hard to put things into a healthier perspective and gain acceptance for who and where I am. 

I start therapy next week and so the journey in this blog will become, I assume, even heavier and more real. But I want to share it so that it feels less alone. 

Just Go With It

This morning I got up early with a bit of extra bounce in my step. We are all empowered or feel worth from different things, and for me it is being able to be there for someone. I find fulfillment in being able to give emotional support to someone I care about. Someone told me recently that I must not be aware of how amazing I am. What a compliment! I am not telling you this to brag, believe me I really don’t care to boast myself in any way. The point of sharing this is that I think this statement applies to most of us; at least the truly genuine, caring people who put others first. In giving back and doing things for those we care deeply for we are shown our goodness and compassion. I typically put people I love first – always asking if someone is comfortable, well fed, content, etc. Perhaps it’s the Jewish motherly instinct in me, or maybe it is just acting from the heart. I forget to look within and sometimes ignore the needs I have, not vocalizing what I want because I am too busy doing for others. I need to work on this.

In continuing the thinking that everything happens for a reason and life has a funny way of connecting events from day to day, it was completely appropriate to open the Facebook app on my phone while getting ready this morning and find an article posted by my friend discussing this very subject. Here is the link if you care to read it: http://elitedaily.com/life/greatest-moments-clarity-life-realizing-things-didnt-work-youre-better/773523/. The article explains that failures are completely necessary and that everything in your life happens in order for you to exist, even the unpleasant experiences. They all shape us into the individuals we were meant to be. Failures are actually some of the greatest occurrences in our lives as they remind us we are imperfect and that we always have more to learn and growth is always necessary.

The article concludes with the statement, “The moment you realize that not even loss itself can stop you, that sadness, despair, anger and fear cannot hold you back, is the moment you become perfect. Perfectly flawed, but perfect nonetheless.” This is so true and something I wish some people could truly understand. We will always disappoint other people at different points throughout our lives. We will always get upset, feel pain, mourn loss, but we must always grow from these experiences. 

I am on the mend personally and have shared a lot of my journey with you. Life has not been easy for me. I have struggled more than some and less than many, but nonetheless I have struggled. I am starting over and as I pack my apartment and the minimal belongings I have, I realize this really is the bottom. It is a clean slate. I am literally starting over from scratch and while I am apprehensive and nervous as I approach the new beginnings, I also am so excited and want to just give in to the joy and good energy I feel inside and just go with it. I am certain that I will fail again at several points in my life, and I accept that. I am okay knowing that each failure will bring me great strength and joy after I learn from it. 

In round two of my life, the second phase of my journey, I am giving in to what I feel. I’m not holding back anymore. I will share what I feel, voice what I want, get what I need, and just go with it.

30 Year Old Neck

Have you ever caught a glimpse of yourself in a mirror and noticed how much you've aged? Looking in the mirror to adjust my skirt before exiting the bathroom at work today I saw my age for the first time. I saw a 30 year old neck.

I found some old pictures on Facebook the other night and am like a completely different person now. Besides the obvious weight difference, my face and features are dramatically different now. I have experience and situations that have changed my physical appearance. Life sped up and all of a sudden I'm a woman! What the f?!? 

I looked at the curve of my neck following it to where it meets my chin and up to the rings of sleep deprecation around my eyes. Laugh lines and curiosity cracks define the map of my past journey telling a story. 

I wasn't upset that I look my age, just unaware of how it happened seemingly over night. I am proud of the years I've had, good, bad and frightening. I am proud of myself.

I am feeling pretty introspective these days and am enjoying building friendships that matter and following my heart. I am trying something completely new - taking scary situations and pressure head on. I'm making myself shed my comfort blanket and be a new, daring me. It's scary but I'm really trying. 

I read this story for class the other day about expectations that employees have when an employee starts in a higher, more demanding position and the expectations the employee has for to responsibility of the position and supervisor. The story went through a situation of miscommunication of expectations and it turned out both management and employee were on a different page with different beliefs. 

The biggest problem the employee faced was his own stubbornness to seek guidance and discuss expectations with his manager openly. I am at fault of this. I'm afraid to come across as anything less than perfect and realize that is the wrong way to do things. 

I am enjoying the learning process that is my life and all that comes with it. I see peers who somehow have it all and while naturally I feel a tinge of jealousy, I feel pride that I am working my ass of for every single thing that I have.

I challenge you with this... Go out and compliment yourself three times. Three different things that you take pride in about yourself. Focus on each for a minute and believe it. I mean really believe it. Then put a smile on your face and conquer the world. Hit the pavement with your 30 year old neck! 

Getting Through It

I keep trying to talk myself out of negative thinking, and so far it's not going so well. I just have to say it. I feel like I'm an after thought; useless; isolated; always pushed to the back burner. I know it's petty and immature to feel like this, so maybe saying it loud and clear will be the beginning of the end to feeling these stupid feelings. 

Things are extremely busy in every aspect of my life and time is passing by way too quickly. Is living life really all about bouncing from one thing to the next, playing a constant game of catch up and try to survive? It hardly seems like living to me. 

I recognize a major issue leading to why I feel this way today; actually this whole week. I take things way too personal. I internalize everything and probably feel much stronger than most about pretty much everything. I am starting to think that I put more care and emphasis on things than others, and have too high of expectations from people. I care a lot and I think it is to my detriment. 

Here I am siting at Starbucks on my lunch break blogging and trying to just catch my breath. I feel off - nothing seems right and combine that with feeling put off and now all I want to do is go home, crawl under the covers and sleep the day away. 

I am most likely just throwing a juvenile tantrum because things aren't "fun" right now. Life is throwing serious lemons at me right now and there is a lot to deal with. I am trying my hardest to power through it with a smile on my face and I'm not always able to do it gracefully. 

It is stupid but it's true - things are better when they are light hearted, silly, relaxed, in sync, etc. I know there will not always be days like this, but I just wish there were more good days than bad. I wish there was more laughter than frustration or angry faces. I wish life was a little less serious more often. 

It is all about perspective and I'm trying to keep in mind that this is just a day - one Friday out of many more to follow that will be both good and bad. I'll get through it just like I did the one before it and will do so over and over again in the future... Because that is what living life is about; getting through it and over it and moving on. Right? 

Happy Day - The Best Kinda Day

Getting in a quick blog before meeting a friend for dinner. There is something so nice about ending the day with a good laugh to make your work day feel in sync and eventful. It's like despite things being a chaotic shit show, everything at the moment worked smoothly and felt right. A little laughter and silly humor goes a long way. 

I am really looking forward to dinner with my friend. It's been a while since we've hung out and it's been a while since I've been out. 

I got into a conversation today accountability and being for the choices we make. I have, for better or worse, made the choices I have and must live with the outcome or make changes. It's comforting to know that there are other people in the same boat; that it's not just me dealing with a complicated life.

I am constantly tossing this question around in my mind: is life really about moving from one situation to another trying to stay afloat, getting over one hurdle to have things enjoyable for only a brief moment before reaching the next challenge? Is that really living a happy life? 

This year has quickly become the year for change. I am going to work hard to fix that which I feel is broken or reconfigure what I see needs tweaking. Life is so short, I feel like I might as well enjoy the ride even if it is a momentary trip to the next challenge. 

Today was a positive day, one could even say a fun day. All things must really happen for a reason.