Lucky Lady

I am taking part in this facebook status challenge for the month of November where I post a status every day about what I am thankful for. It's called the month of thanks in honor of the Thanksgiving holiday. 

Beyond the typical health, family, friends type of deal it is taking more thought. I didn't realize I would have to dig deep to really establish what I am thankful for. 

So... Here is something I am thankful for that isn't your typical situation. I'm thankful I wasn't an abortion. I know this sounds crazy and totally harsh, but it's true. I was born to someone who was still a child herself. She was 18 and could have easily decided to terminate her pregnancy, but instead decided to give me up to a family who wanted a baby but couldn't have one on their own. 

No matter what chaos or conflict I has to face growing up with my mom, I was still alive and had opportunity. I am here today because of one woman's selfless act of loving kindness. I am so thankful for that!

I am also thankful that after 30 years I have been able to find my biological family and have been welcomed with open arms. I have had a great life and love my family dearly. There is something that can be said about genetics that just feels natural when I'm around them. I  so grateful for having two beautiful half sisters who look up to me as much as I cherish them. I am blessed to have such a funny and quirky extended family now.

This thanksgiving I am thankful for opportunity. I am thankful for the kindness of others and for the life I have feel privileged to have. I am one lucky lady.

I Walk Alone

Tomorrow I am walking in the Walk To End Alzheimer's charity walk. I am walking alone. I am supposed to meet a family friend there and hopefully I can find her, but I am a bit disappointed no one wanted to join me. I am a bit disappointed in myself for not trying harder to get people to join and for not expressing how much it would mean to me. 

This is a prime example of how I expected others to read my mind and just instinctively know that I really would like them to join me. I'm the only one to blame here. I do have very kind friends who have generously donated to my walk allowing me to raise $240 for the Alzheimer's Assocuation. This makes me very happy. 

In case you haven't noticed by now, I am not a huge fan of doing things alone. There is a volleyball league I've wanted to join for over a year now but I just can't get there on my own. My boss went on a solo mini vacation up the coast last year and I really admired that so I set out on my own trip, forcing myself to go the distance all by myself to think about things in my life and to know I am able to be on my own if I have to. 

It was much more difficult than I thought and I really admire him for it. I am a girl who thinks it's unusual to go to a movie alone and here I am having to eat dinner by myself in Morro Bay at an unfamiliar restaurant in a foreign town. It was scary as hell but also very liberating and empowering. I did that!

So as disappointing as it is to have to walk alone, I know I can do it and be just fine. For some reason yesterday as I drove to the gym from work at the end of the day tears ran down my cheeks while listening to Ellie Goulding's song Lights. I'm not sure why it happened; maybe I was exhausted; perhaps emotionally tender. I am not sure. I know I was closing out a rather emotional and apparently tense week, but I think it was deeper than that. I feel like I'm carting around a weight on my shoulders and a heavy heart and I don't know why. Maybe I do. Maybe I think I do but I don't.

You know when you can sense something and you know someone else can sense it to but it just goes unspoken? I feel it but don't know truly what it is to put it into words. 

I have probably lost you by now so I will shift gears to something else...kindness. In the spirit of my walk tomorrow I want to bring up the concept of kindness. We could all stand to be a bit kinder to others. Especially those we really don't care for. Whether it's extending well wishes to someone you consider annoying or being supportive to a friend even if you think they are making a mistake, it is the right thing to do. Pay someone a compliment a little bit more or smile at a stranger. Do something out of the ordinary that makes someone happy even if you think it's dumb. Open up to a coworker instead of taking out your frustration on then. Take your mom out to lunch. Do anything!

I will walk alone for those who can't and will learn from this to be honest with people - if I want something I need to speak up!

Longing For The Fun

I want to blog about being frustrated. I want to blog about a shitty, tiring week. I want to write about shameless self promotion with zero follow through and complete lack of teamwork. I want to rant about managing stress and energy we are all responsible for throwing back at the world. I want to write about all the terrible feelings I have bottled up inside of my frustrated little body but I just can't. I can't let it out.

I have a lot to be happy about and should focus on that; I know it. It's hard sometimes when a fog of stress and chaos passes overhead; it consumes me and sucks me in to negative town. I don't want to fucking feel like this. 

I seriously feel like throwing myself on the floor, banging my hands on the ground, and screaming "it isn't supposed to be this chaotic!" "It's supposed to be fun!" Even though I know it's not. Fun is a lucky byproduct and a rarity. It isn't a given.

Ugh. Big fat ugh. I almost wish things were never easy or fun for me because then I wouldn't know anything else. I wouldn't know how good it could be to only compare how frustrating it is right now. I hope you realize I am aware that it is a momentary wrinkle in time and that cyclically this too shall pass like it does every other time. Every time shit hits the fan or times are tough things feel like this and I'm sure I rant then about how much I long for the fun. 

Beyond the situation chaos I have been fighting the battle of low self esteem, rather poorly might I add. I try to build myself up I just don't believe it right now. I want to feel wanted and sexy and intelligent. I want to feel qualified and beautiful both inside and out. I want to know I'm made of the good stuff and am important to someone. I want what everyone else wants - to be loved unconditionally. Who doesn't want this? 

On many levels. I don't want to have to be anyone but who I am to be happy and make others happy around me. I want to be free of these feelings of bad body image and substandard intelligence. I want to believe my inner voice telling me I've got it all; a total package.

I make these drawings for friends and include a message about who they are to me and how their talents and wonderful qualities are reflected in my art. I write to them what I see in them as a wonderful human being and really could stand to write one to myself and actually believe it.

I am not as bad as I thought...

Who wears false eyelashes and a push up bra to work out? Who puts makeup on before working up a sweat? I don't understand why some women feel like they have to have their boobs overflowing out of their shirts, bouncing all over the freaking place to feel attractive? My god, I thought this one girl was going to knock herself out with those giant fun bags flapping around her face so aggressively... 

And if you are wondering how I know that this is an intentional outfit choice, well that is easy... The constant looking around to see who is noticing is pretty much a dead give away... 

I'm sure plenty of guys are thankful for this woman and her need to wear revealing workout gear and maybe I'm a prude. I have better boobs than her by far but I am not at the gym to get looks or flaunt them. I actually never unleash them... I am a firm believer in keeping some things a mystery. 

I did realize the other day that I am not as fat or as unattractive as I thought. I was changing in a Marshall's dressing room and for the first time in a long time I saw myself as pretty. I was standing there in work slacks and a bra and noticed that I have hips, an ass, and am not half bad. I have confidence in myself more than I give myself credit for. I have been putting in the work and have been losing weight. I'm making progress and shouldn't be so hard on myself. 

My new motto is "I am not as bad as I thought, but am not as good as I know I can be." This is for my weight and general looks, but also for my attitude; my work; my relationships; my spirit. We can and should always strive to be out very best. If we have been given a second chance at life, we should try even harder. If we are presented with outstanding opportunities, we should seize the moments and try harder. We should always be the very best we can be and expect only what is realistic from everyone else. 

In need of a little bit of positivity and getting back to my affirmations:

I love to laugh: want to know the way in? Make me laugh. My friendships, relationships, everything is built upon and nurtured with humor. Sure I can be serious, but the way into my heart is humor. 

I am flexible: not talking about the bendy stretchy flexible... I am willing to change plans or try something new. I wasn't always... This is a relatively new concept for me that I am trying hard to build on and foster. 

I have an animated face: I have been told I have a rubber face. I can make incredibly strange faces and take some wickedly funny pictures. I also do voices. I am often embarrassed easily so I figure I might as well make a funny face and embarrass myself before anyone else can! 

Life is passing by quite rapidly so it is important to act swiftly, have fun and be the very best. 

The Story of a Bad Biological Father

The saga continues... My bio mom reached out to the cowardly sister of my bio father in an email after my two previous attempts were unanswered... This is what was sent back:

Cheryl - Erin did message me and you are correct, I was unaware that you had a child.  It did come as a shock and I realized that after moving away in 1982 to college in San Diego and then on to Washington D.C. that I was completely removed from anything that was going on in my brothers’ personal life during those years.  How nice that you have been able to reconnect with the child you gave up.  After a lot of thought about this unexpected news I have to be totally honest that whatever took place between you and my brother is between the two of you.  Whatever took place in his personal life after the two of you parted ways really does not involve you.  I am very close with my brother, see him often and he is doing really well.  There are two sides to every story and regardless of how he handled it with you 30 years ago or a few years ago; at this point in time the situation does not involve me.  Sorry but at this time I can not help or contact Erin.  

Take care, 

Susan  

I understand her defensiveness considering the news that her brother conceived a child and that I am around is sudden and unexpected. I get her apprehension to get involved and even slight skepticism considering she's never known I even existed. 

But this letter is lacking something that I couldn't put my finger on until now...it lack emotion. To me it comes across as void of compassion or heart. It is almost a business-like reply; cut and dry and robotic. It is sad to me that she couldn't even help me reconnect with him to get the answers I deserve.

It is mattering more and more to me to get the bastard to look me in the eyes and apologize for what he did to my bio mom. I am not looking for money or a father figure, I have that. I am looking for him to face the truth and acknowledge that he was irresponsible and that he should tell his family about me and who I am today. It is the least he could do for me. 

I never thought this would matter to me or would be my story. I never thought I would find out my biological father was a loser. It wasn't supposed to be my story. He was supposed to have wanted me as much as my bio mom, just wasn't able to raise a baby. He should have become a loving and successful man; someone to look up to and be proud of. Not a distant, unaccomplished coward with nothing but hollow promises of a meager figure. He shouldn't be such a bad person. 

I know I'm basically stomping my foot on the ground having a pity party for myself. Truth is I've gone 30 years without needing him for anything and I can go the rest of my life pretending he is dead just as easily. I am not who I am as a result of him. He was just a seed that gave me life and a chance to grow to be better than he could ever be. 

I feel the worst for my bio mom. She was an impressionable 17 year old who thought she was in love. She made a mistake and got pregnant. It happens. I can't fault her for it. She didn't deserve to go through the decision of giving me up for adoption by herself. She didn't deserve a partner in crime void of connection and full of shame. She never wanted that to be her story either. 

We never know what our story is going to be. We know how it starts but uncover the layers and blaze through the hurdles as we go on. Some people have abusive parents. Some don't have parents at all. Some kids have a stereotypical perfect home. You never know who you will become or what you'll have to face along the way. I never pictured my story would follow this script, but I wouldn't change it for anything. I am who I am and this story is a part of my life. 

On Being There

Sometimes the best help you can give someone is just being there. Sometimes it's just sitting still and being a positive presence that does the trick. Other times being a second opinion is the best thing. 

We all need help in different ways, and actually it depends on the situatuon. Occasionally I need someone to play the devils advocate; most of the time I need someone to listen while I talk something out. I really need someone to hold me accountable when I start slipping up. 

Today was a good day despite the tension and bizarre energy floating around. I realized today that it's not actually valuable to put your focus on making sure things go right at all times. There will ALWAYS be something that gets messed up or some setback. That is inevitable. The important things is focusing on how you handle the bumps in the road. Find a buddy and take a breather when you feel like you're drowning. Close your eyes and picture life beyond the chaos. Write a snappy email and delete it. 

I absolutely love what I do because of who I work with. I love the variance in projects and the constant stability that exists at the same time. But even loving my job as much as I do there will always be a day every now and then where nothing works out or work seems to pile up faster than I can produce. 

I know today that me just being there helped make someone's day better. I know I have an ally and a mentor. I know that I am needed as much as I need the camaraderie. 

I looked for my place for so long and never found a home. I am certain I have found that home. I am comfortable; happy; relieved; bonded. I am fucking appreciative! 

Everything in my life for the most part seems to be on the up and up and going so well right now... I'm sure I have disrupted the cosmic gods and have jinxed myself, but it has to be said. Hallelujah!! Happy happy happy! 

If my dad is out there guiding me I know he has a hand in all this. I feel him with his hand in my shoulders, pushing me into the right choices and deterring me from bad decisions. I know he has driven me to the right people and situations and has given me the strength to be brave. 

I have this walk for Alzheimer's coming up next weekend and I'm doing it alone. I was supposed to be doing it with my work but it fell through. But I'm not giving up and backing down from it. I committed to doing this for those who can't. One of my fears of aging is not being able to remember my father and his guidance; my loves and triumphs, my successes and failures, my past that makes me who I am. I want to always remember my work and will walk to honor that. 

Happiness is relative and something that should be treasured. I go into this weekend with an ear to ear smile, feeling full and knowing I have done well. 

There Can Be Only One

I am two different people in one body. In a complete contradiction. I am not sure how I ended up with two very distinct yet completely opposite personality traits, both equal parts that make up who I am. 

My alpha dog personality is a class clown, total ham, larger than life, attention hog who likes to make people laugh and craves the limelight. I love being goofy and take great pleasure in doing something stupid or outrageous to get a reaction. I love being funny if it makes others laugh and captures their attention. I constantly end up dominating a conversation when in a group setting, which is something I have to constantly be aware of to keep in check. 

I truly enjoy being the funniest, wittiest, craziest person in the room with the most charisma. I am a glutton for praise and really want to please and gain the accolades as a result. 

I'll fight a compliment instead of taking it graciously, but don't be confused by this - I love compliments. I need them. I love hearing I'm great at something, that I'm helpful, pretty, funny, a good person, etc. I love the praise I just can't help it. I also have a bit of an ego and have a hard time messing up. When I am corrected on something I take it hard; really fucking hard. Mistakes are not an option in my book. I strive for perfection and ride myself to always do better. 

My reserved, shy counterpart is afraid of speaking up, especially around louder, stronger, more educated or qualified individuals. I fear the unknown more than my own death and hate being alone. I am insecure, have horrible stage fright, am plagued by constant anxiety, and need reassurance with everything. 

I am indecisive with almost everything, even down to what to have for dinner. I am quiet and hold back my ideas even if they are really good. I want to take part in activities and groups but don't because I don't want to do it alone. I never feel pretty enough, smart enough, qualified or deserving. I hide a good portion of my personality as a defense mechanism. I am a rule follower and conservative because it's safe.

How is it that I am made up of two opposite people? How did I become passive and aggressive at the same time? I often think I should just pick the side of me I like the best and be that and only that. Otherwise it's too confusing and too much work!

I went to a Katy Perry concert last night. Man is she pretty and totally talented. In between songs she talked to the crowd, boosting energy getting everyone pumped up. She had so much authority and confidence in her voice, which I truly admired. She was so polished and precise; really had her routine down to a fine science. I want to emulate her strength and assurance. I want to show I am that confident in myself and really mean it. I don't want to be afraid anymore.

 I'm so fucking tired it's ridiculous. I just want to say how I feel and be me for me. I want to be upfront and follow my heart without looking back.