Cheryl - Erin did message me and you are correct, I was unaware that you had a child. It did come as a shock and I realized that after moving away in 1982 to college in San Diego and then on to Washington D.C. that I was completely removed from anything that was going on in my brothers’ personal life during those years. How nice that you have been able to reconnect with the child you gave up. After a lot of thought about this unexpected news I have to be totally honest that whatever took place between you and my brother is between the two of you. Whatever took place in his personal life after the two of you parted ways really does not involve you. I am very close with my brother, see him often and he is doing really well. There are two sides to every story and regardless of how he handled it with you 30 years ago or a few years ago; at this point in time the situation does not involve me. Sorry but at this time I can not help or contact Erin.
Take care,
Susan
I understand her defensiveness considering the news that her brother conceived a child and that I am around is sudden and unexpected. I get her apprehension to get involved and even slight skepticism considering she's never known I even existed.
But this letter is lacking something that I couldn't put my finger on until now...it lack emotion. To me it comes across as void of compassion or heart. It is almost a business-like reply; cut and dry and robotic. It is sad to me that she couldn't even help me reconnect with him to get the answers I deserve.
It is mattering more and more to me to get the bastard to look me in the eyes and apologize for what he did to my bio mom. I am not looking for money or a father figure, I have that. I am looking for him to face the truth and acknowledge that he was irresponsible and that he should tell his family about me and who I am today. It is the least he could do for me.
I never thought this would matter to me or would be my story. I never thought I would find out my biological father was a loser. It wasn't supposed to be my story. He was supposed to have wanted me as much as my bio mom, just wasn't able to raise a baby. He should have become a loving and successful man; someone to look up to and be proud of. Not a distant, unaccomplished coward with nothing but hollow promises of a meager figure. He shouldn't be such a bad person.
I know I'm basically stomping my foot on the ground having a pity party for myself. Truth is I've gone 30 years without needing him for anything and I can go the rest of my life pretending he is dead just as easily. I am not who I am as a result of him. He was just a seed that gave me life and a chance to grow to be better than he could ever be.
I feel the worst for my bio mom. She was an impressionable 17 year old who thought she was in love. She made a mistake and got pregnant. It happens. I can't fault her for it. She didn't deserve to go through the decision of giving me up for adoption by herself. She didn't deserve a partner in crime void of connection and full of shame. She never wanted that to be her story either.
We never know what our story is going to be. We know how it starts but uncover the layers and blaze through the hurdles as we go on. Some people have abusive parents. Some don't have parents at all. Some kids have a stereotypical perfect home. You never know who you will become or what you'll have to face along the way. I never pictured my story would follow this script, but I wouldn't change it for anything. I am who I am and this story is a part of my life.
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