There Can Be Only One

I am two different people in one body. In a complete contradiction. I am not sure how I ended up with two very distinct yet completely opposite personality traits, both equal parts that make up who I am. 

My alpha dog personality is a class clown, total ham, larger than life, attention hog who likes to make people laugh and craves the limelight. I love being goofy and take great pleasure in doing something stupid or outrageous to get a reaction. I love being funny if it makes others laugh and captures their attention. I constantly end up dominating a conversation when in a group setting, which is something I have to constantly be aware of to keep in check. 

I truly enjoy being the funniest, wittiest, craziest person in the room with the most charisma. I am a glutton for praise and really want to please and gain the accolades as a result. 

I'll fight a compliment instead of taking it graciously, but don't be confused by this - I love compliments. I need them. I love hearing I'm great at something, that I'm helpful, pretty, funny, a good person, etc. I love the praise I just can't help it. I also have a bit of an ego and have a hard time messing up. When I am corrected on something I take it hard; really fucking hard. Mistakes are not an option in my book. I strive for perfection and ride myself to always do better. 

My reserved, shy counterpart is afraid of speaking up, especially around louder, stronger, more educated or qualified individuals. I fear the unknown more than my own death and hate being alone. I am insecure, have horrible stage fright, am plagued by constant anxiety, and need reassurance with everything. 

I am indecisive with almost everything, even down to what to have for dinner. I am quiet and hold back my ideas even if they are really good. I want to take part in activities and groups but don't because I don't want to do it alone. I never feel pretty enough, smart enough, qualified or deserving. I hide a good portion of my personality as a defense mechanism. I am a rule follower and conservative because it's safe.

How is it that I am made up of two opposite people? How did I become passive and aggressive at the same time? I often think I should just pick the side of me I like the best and be that and only that. Otherwise it's too confusing and too much work!

I went to a Katy Perry concert last night. Man is she pretty and totally talented. In between songs she talked to the crowd, boosting energy getting everyone pumped up. She had so much authority and confidence in her voice, which I truly admired. She was so polished and precise; really had her routine down to a fine science. I want to emulate her strength and assurance. I want to show I am that confident in myself and really mean it. I don't want to be afraid anymore.

 I'm so fucking tired it's ridiculous. I just want to say how I feel and be me for me. I want to be upfront and follow my heart without looking back.