Longing For The Fun

I want to blog about being frustrated. I want to blog about a shitty, tiring week. I want to write about shameless self promotion with zero follow through and complete lack of teamwork. I want to rant about managing stress and energy we are all responsible for throwing back at the world. I want to write about all the terrible feelings I have bottled up inside of my frustrated little body but I just can't. I can't let it out.

I have a lot to be happy about and should focus on that; I know it. It's hard sometimes when a fog of stress and chaos passes overhead; it consumes me and sucks me in to negative town. I don't want to fucking feel like this. 

I seriously feel like throwing myself on the floor, banging my hands on the ground, and screaming "it isn't supposed to be this chaotic!" "It's supposed to be fun!" Even though I know it's not. Fun is a lucky byproduct and a rarity. It isn't a given.

Ugh. Big fat ugh. I almost wish things were never easy or fun for me because then I wouldn't know anything else. I wouldn't know how good it could be to only compare how frustrating it is right now. I hope you realize I am aware that it is a momentary wrinkle in time and that cyclically this too shall pass like it does every other time. Every time shit hits the fan or times are tough things feel like this and I'm sure I rant then about how much I long for the fun. 

Beyond the situation chaos I have been fighting the battle of low self esteem, rather poorly might I add. I try to build myself up I just don't believe it right now. I want to feel wanted and sexy and intelligent. I want to feel qualified and beautiful both inside and out. I want to know I'm made of the good stuff and am important to someone. I want what everyone else wants - to be loved unconditionally. Who doesn't want this? 

On many levels. I don't want to have to be anyone but who I am to be happy and make others happy around me. I want to be free of these feelings of bad body image and substandard intelligence. I want to believe my inner voice telling me I've got it all; a total package.

I make these drawings for friends and include a message about who they are to me and how their talents and wonderful qualities are reflected in my art. I write to them what I see in them as a wonderful human being and really could stand to write one to myself and actually believe it.