Smell The Fuckin Roses

I feel pretty good about myself right now. Not exactly sure what happened in my life that has altered how I view myself. Maybe it is the confidence others have in me or the accolades I've been getting lately. Maybe it's just knowing I'm putting in some seriously hard work at life as a whole. Maybe I am happy with myself. 

I had a meeting this morning with a group of people that typically scare the shit out of me. I am usually riddled with anxiety before meeting with this group because they are all seasoned professionals with success and experience behind them. Today I was not afraid. I felt comfortable, even relaxed. I recognize my serious lack of education and the fact that I'm learning as I go, but don't see that as something that makes me less worthy of being there. I make strong visual advertisements and use a imagery and precise copy to convey a message. I just had someone this afternoon ask me who makes the ads they've seen in the Jewish Journal, to which I replied "Me" with one big ass smile on my face. I deserve to be at that table. I just need to learn and find my voice once I have gained that knowledge. 

I also feel like I'm a work in progress and that is okay. It's alright to be in a stage of fixing myself, as long as I'm actually doing the work and trying to better myself. 

At one point I did disappoint myself today, actually for a while now. I feel like I dump way too much of my own issues on other people. I have to close the door to my personal life a bit and learn to keep people a bit more at a distance. Funny how I've gone from being completely closed off to letting people in too much. I feel like I'm respected less and just seen as irritating the more I share struggle or frustration. We've all got issues and I need to keep mine to myself. It's easy to blur lines. I fear I'm looked at as more fractured than if I were to keep my issues to myself...lesson learned.

I am very introspective right now. I want a change. I want to be better; work better, be smarter, more successful, look prettier. I want it all, to be the total package. And I'm willing to do the work.

I woke up super early today, went to the big meeting, worked a full day packed with projects, did 2 interviews and stayed at work late, and am still at the gym now. I am dog tired and would much rather be eating frozen yogurt, but I'm not going to let myself down. 

Life has a crazy way of working out; of bringing certain people in your path for a reason; putting you on one course with a preprescribed purpose. Someone told me today that when the time is right to act you will know and will make it happen. I couldn't agree more. I am ready to make a difference and make significant improvements in my life. It's time to get it together and smell the fuckin roses! 

My Lucky Bracelet

I have this bracelet that I have been wearing for a few years now. It is one single strand of small, round jade beads on an elastic string. If you were to look at it you would think it is nothing special. It is simple and understated. But to me it is very important – it is my lucky bracelet. 

I had two of them, given to me by a friend from a little boutique in Santa Monica. The beads have symbolic meaning – they are believed to calm the mind, encourage peace and reflection, and promote visions and dreams. They promote success, confidence and power. Ever since I have been wearing these bracelets I have had incredible luck. When I take them off, I notice things do not go as smoothly. 

One of the two broke off my wrist while I was running at the gym, spreading the tiny jade beads all over the treadmill and gym floor. I couldn’t collect enough to repair the bracelet. I accepted my fate that I was down to only 1. I rarely take it off. I took it off on my trip to Panama and lost my luggage for 3 days. I stopped wearing the remaining bracelet when the other one fell apart and my mom broke her arm. I put on the bracelet the other night and not only was my work event a success, but I had confidence and self-esteem like I have never felt. I truly believe in the power and luck of this bracelet.

What leads me to write this blog is the sad reality that this bracelet’s days are also numbered. The elastic is stretched beyond repair and is starting to break apart. The bracelet is loose and ready to rip apart at any moment. I do not want to let go and do not want to have to replace it. I am also a bit superstitious and believe that the next will not be lucky. These bracelets were given to me as a gift for no reason, on a whim by a friend. They were not for a birthday or for any particular reason; they were not expensive; they were nothing special. But they are priceless to me.

I think if I were to go out and buy a new bracelet it may look nice, but it will have no value. It will not have come into my life in any unique way. It will not bring me as much fortune, confidence, or good luck. If I repair this bracelet will I tarnish its powers? I will wait and see what the fate is for this dear bracelet and maybe it is a sign that it is time to find the confidence from within and that I no longer need to rely on stones to find my inner peace. Maybe it will be my time to shine on my own and be successful from my own merit. Maybe I should wait for another one to make its way to me...

If this is the biggest dilemma in my life at the moment I think I am in good shape.

Sweet Success

It's been a little while since my last post. Things have been very busy professionally and personally. I've also received some critique about recent posts. I think I need to post a disclaimer - if I write about you or a situation you are in, I will mask your identity. Please understand I am not writing about you to complain. It's not a bitchfest. I'm not writing to stir up drama. I'm writing as a factual explanation of what I'm facing in my life that may help someone else going through a similar experience.

With that being said, I want to share a great success I had this Saturday. I coordinated an event for the company I work for on a yacht in the marina. I spent the past 3 months working on the event - conception of the theme, creation of the invitations, research and creation of centerpieces, giveaways, awards, etc. I had a small amount of help from a Bo-worker, but handled the bulk of the planning. 

Don't get me wrong - I'm definitely not complaining - I like the control over the planning and enjoy the process. I take great satisfaction in seeing happy, smiling faces enjoying an event I created. 

I got to the event a few hours early and set it all up - put out all the decorations, guided the crew on seating and bar setup, ran through the schedule with the event lead. By the time my coworker arrived I had everything up and ready for the guests to arrive. I worked like a machine. That was an accomplishment in and of itself, but there was something even better. 

The event went on without a hitch; everyone had a blast and people were very appreciative of the hard work. At one point in the evening I went out to the front of the yacht to take in a quiet moment. I looked in at the guests mixing and mingling and heard laughter and happy chatter fill the air. It was a sweet success. Still not the best part of the night. 

My own personal success was the fact that for the first time I was comfortable in my own skin. I felt confident, efficient, even sexy. I was happy and knew it. I felt sure of my conversation and knew I could talk to anyone without fear of inadequacy. I walked with confidence and pride. And I did it completely sober. I don't need a stiff drink for courage. My own intelligence and ability was enough. 

I am so proud of myself and I think it shows. I've never been complimented as much as I was on Saturday. I've never felt more beautiful both physically and mentally. I've never felt so accomplished and talented - so appreciated. I am still floating on a high. I feel valued and empowered and know that I really am worth something. I never thought I could feel like this, especially from something like this...I am used to false confidence and feeling beautiful from copious amounts of cocktails, not natural energy and true accomplishment. It's a great fucking feeling!! 

I looked back at pictures of myself from the party and don't want to delete them like I normally do. I look strong and confident. I feel beautiful. I feel pride in my competence and success and it shows. I feel like this was the start of a new me. 

You all better watch out - I'm going to take over the world... :) 

Keep On Keeping On

There is this person I know who is constantly writing Facebook posts about people who think they know everything and how irritating people's opinions are...

Funny how a status like that followed a statement directly from her mouth saying "everyone can be a one income family; it's just a matter of making better choices and living within your means." If that isn't a prime example of the pot and the kettle  I don't know what is! 

This viewpoint is warped. It is not correct. It is impractical and offensive on so many levels. It lacks understand beyond an upper middle class lifestyle and a relatively stress free existence. This shows me ignorance and a lack of compassion. 

Sure I can pick up and move my husband to a small Podunk town where we can purchase a $90K home and Tom can work for the local contracting company and I can be that career mother. But we're in LA. I make a very decent living and so does Tom. We do not frivolously spend, we do not party, we don't vacation or live high on the hog. Yet there is absolutely no way in hell we can own a new home in a safe area and have a kid on one income. That's unrealistic. 

My favorite part of all this, besides the rudeness and lack of complete intelligence, is the hypocritical nature of the incessant facebook status updates on all the "know-it-alls" in her world. She is the biggest offender, constantly stepping on toes conversationally and repeating the same fucking point over and over until you give in just to shut her up. She's never stopped to have an actual conversation and hear out another perspective because she's too busy thinking about how right she is about life.

I've tried my hardest to be patient and understanding; I can't sit quietly any longer. I'm not out to be rude or make a point in writing this; I am venting because I'm sad that as she and I have grown in life, she's gone in a completely different direction. She is the last of my old friends that have lowered to acquaintance status. My past is practically speckled of dust left in my tracks that I can hardly remember. No longer can I recall more times of laughter and celebration than frustration and anger with her. I can't recognize the friend she once was. I didn't realize until now that what she was then she will never be again - and I need to accept that. 

No hard feelings - just time to agree to disagree and keep on keeping on. 

Be Brave

I did something this weekend that I've wanted to do for a while now; something I've had dreams of doing, but have never had the strength. This weekend I was brave.

As I've mentioned in previous blogs, I was adopted at birth. I have always known I was adopted and have always had the curiosity of who this misery woman was that gave me the gift of life. I've always wondered what she looked like and if she is at all like me. As a young girl I imagined she was a princess, with long flowing hair, a shiny puffy dress, from a land far, far away. As a teenager I envisioned her as a rebel rocker, standing up for her rights with worldly insight and deep perspective. As an adult I imagined her as a mother, teacher, leader, comedian, and friend. I had no idea who she really was but knew I had to find out. 

By the grace and kindness of a complete stranger I was emailed my biological mother and fathers contact information with nothing expected in return. I was given the keys to unlock a lifetime of curiosity and yet it felt so bittersweet. 

Here I was with the answers to all of my questions a mere phone call or letter away, yet I hesitated. I was afraid of being rejected; afraid she had forgotten and wanted nothing to do with me; afraid age would tell me it was a blessing getting rid of me. Most of all, I was afraid I'd hurt my mom by reaching out to the biological side. After all, my mom is my mother; she is the one who taught me how to live and be the woman I am today. She is my parent and mentor and I didn't want to do anything to take that away.

In the end after great debate I decided to meet Cheryl. We met and hit it off. We sat for hours talking about my childhood and her hard decision to give me up. We laughed and cried and it felt like we had known each other for years. It was the beginning of a friendship. A friendship I decided is worth holding on to and cultivating. I met her two lovely children and her husband. We have had dinners together catching up and getting to know one another as the adults we are today and it has been amazing. 

There is a definite resemblance; we share similar phrases and gestures. We share the same cheekbones, complexion and height. We are both on the cynical side and very funny. She feel like a sister to me, as do her two adorably smart, funny and talented daughters. Her 14 year old girl has no idea how beautiful she is; she is smarty and silly and shy and completely wonderful. Her 6 year old girl is too smart for her own good, has a kind and generous spirit; a true heart of gold. Cheryl's entire family is a close-knit, caring and faithful group that is encouraging, inviting and lovely. I feel very lucky. 

Yet through all this I felt an enormous sense of fear. I didn't want to tell my mom I met them. I didn't want her to feel hurt or pushed out. I didn't want to threaten her or make her seem unimportant. If anything, meeting Cheryl has made me love and appreciate my mom more. It has shown me that she is without a doubt the reason I have grown to be the woman I am today and she is my only mother; she is irreplaceable. 

I waited many months before finally tellingly mom this weekend about my journey. I was convinced there would be a lot of screaming and crying involved. I dreaded the conversation so much I was sick to my stomach and could barely hide the shaking of my hands. But it had to be done. 

Sitting outside at a restaurant in the hot San Fernando Valley over chilled salads I manned up and told her. And to my complete surprise she was happy for me! She was encouraging and inquisitive! I was completely taken back by her reaction and spent the rest of the day waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

But it didn't...she even called me Sunday  afternoon to tell me how brave I was for going on that journey and told me how proud she is of the woman I've become. Is this really my mom?!? I'm not sure what's going on here...I've waited 30 years to hear my mom sincerely tell me how proud I made her. How she is satisfied with my life choices and how much joy I bring her. She has spent years comparing me to the accomplishments of her friends children and I have always wanted her approval. 

Funny how it wasn't until I finally stopped seeking it that I got approval from her. It took me not caring for her to notice me as a successful adult. 

Life has a crazy way of working out; there are way too many parallels for things to be a result of chance. Life is beautiful when it works out; all you have to do is live it...and be brave!

I'm Thankful

I am so thankful today for all the opportunities I have in my life. I am so grateful for being healthy and having days to live ahead of me. I've never conceived of my own mortality as much as I have over the past two years working at a Cemetery and Mortuary. The big sleep is much more real seeing grieving families daily. It heightens my sense of finality every time I see a family come in with articles of clothing for the burial of their loved ones.

And to think, I have practically no direct interaction with the families. I couldn't imagine how emotionally challenging it is for someone in the mortuary side of the business. Having gone through two losses myself, one not so gracefully, I know how unpredictable and raw emotionally the process can be. There doesn't seem to be a "right" thing to say during the time of loss and every situation is different to each person. 

In reflection of finalizing my hospice volunteer paperwork this afternoon I am thankful. I am able-bodied. I am young and capable. I am able to stand on my own and run on a treadmill. I am breathing without assistance from a machine. I happily eat solids. I am present in mindset and physically able to be independent. I am thankful.

I asked myself earlier while walking into the hospice office to finalize paperwork why I was doing this...what the hell did I sign myself up for? 

I look at people who are able-bodied and just lazy and I know why I'm doing this. I have a chance to do good and help someone enjoy the last leg of their flight home to the big party in the sky. I am not unable to work; I am capable of action and feel like it is important to give back to the less fortunate who have had their abilities robbed from them. I think about people sitting around all day waiting for the world to do something for them and wish they could look a dying person in the eye to see what they are actually waiting for.

You can sit around waiting for your own final curtain call or you can assist the ones whose numbers been called by sharing your abilities to make their final days comfortable. I wish I was as understanding and compassionate when my father was ill. I freaked out and should have been there more. I should have been his stability and a better listener. 

While I can't discuss cases with you throughout this process, I can express my feelings towards it all. I know it's going to be challenging and draining, but also very rewarding. Life isn't going to fill me full of feelings of satisfaction and reward - it's up to me to do something to deserve that. My impulsive decision to sign up for this type of volunteer work was my subconscious teaching me about putting in the work in order to feel fulfilled. 

I'm thankful. 

Fight On!

I'm officially a hospice volunteer. I keep asking myself if I'm completely crazy!? I think my subconscious made a decision for me to sign up for such a difficult type of volunteer work to help rid me of this vasovagal syncoptic reaction. It's got to be what possessed me to go through the application process and start this whole thing...right?

I went in for my initial interview today 10 min early. The air conditioning was off in the office. I was wearing a sweater in order to conceal my tattoos. I felt sweat bead up on my brow and the longer I had to wait the more I started to slip into my lightheadedness. I was working myself up, worried about having the reaction, which actually started to cause it. 

Realizing I couldn't afford to pass out and after having thoughts about running for the door, I shut down my negative train of thinking and took some deep breaths. I couldn't feed into the anxiety. 

I was greeted by the volunteer coordinator and taken back to fill out paperwork and started to feel a little better. Every time she mentioned Death, Hospice, Life Support Treatments, Nurses, and Medical I I could feel mi blood pressure go crazy and a deep sweat start to form on my back. I practiced healthy breathing and distraction techniques and made it through. The words got easier and easier to hear.

Getting my TB test instigated a lightheadedness, but I was able to be honest with them about my nervousness and they helped me through it. I took a drug test without complication and finished up the interview process unscathed. 

I was approved as a volunteer. I did it! I feel so empowered right now; I feel like I have regained some semblance of control over my emotions and have a fighting chance to overcome this debilitating problem. I was able to nip the thoughts of fleeing the building in the bud and push past it. I fought through it with rationalization and self awareness. I kept telling myself that I want to be there. I want to help. I want to give back. I don't want anxiety to control me. 

I did it! Today was a small victory over this stupid chemical reaction and reason for me to keep trying; keep fighting. 

In the words of Tommy Trojan and more importantly, Danny Felsen - "Fight On!" I'm doing this for him.