As I've mentioned in previous blogs, I was adopted at birth. I have always known I was adopted and have always had the curiosity of who this misery woman was that gave me the gift of life. I've always wondered what she looked like and if she is at all like me. As a young girl I imagined she was a princess, with long flowing hair, a shiny puffy dress, from a land far, far away. As a teenager I envisioned her as a rebel rocker, standing up for her rights with worldly insight and deep perspective. As an adult I imagined her as a mother, teacher, leader, comedian, and friend. I had no idea who she really was but knew I had to find out.
By the grace and kindness of a complete stranger I was emailed my biological mother and fathers contact information with nothing expected in return. I was given the keys to unlock a lifetime of curiosity and yet it felt so bittersweet.
Here I was with the answers to all of my questions a mere phone call or letter away, yet I hesitated. I was afraid of being rejected; afraid she had forgotten and wanted nothing to do with me; afraid age would tell me it was a blessing getting rid of me. Most of all, I was afraid I'd hurt my mom by reaching out to the biological side. After all, my mom is my mother; she is the one who taught me how to live and be the woman I am today. She is my parent and mentor and I didn't want to do anything to take that away.
In the end after great debate I decided to meet Cheryl. We met and hit it off. We sat for hours talking about my childhood and her hard decision to give me up. We laughed and cried and it felt like we had known each other for years. It was the beginning of a friendship. A friendship I decided is worth holding on to and cultivating. I met her two lovely children and her husband. We have had dinners together catching up and getting to know one another as the adults we are today and it has been amazing.
There is a definite resemblance; we share similar phrases and gestures. We share the same cheekbones, complexion and height. We are both on the cynical side and very funny. She feel like a sister to me, as do her two adorably smart, funny and talented daughters. Her 14 year old girl has no idea how beautiful she is; she is smarty and silly and shy and completely wonderful. Her 6 year old girl is too smart for her own good, has a kind and generous spirit; a true heart of gold. Cheryl's entire family is a close-knit, caring and faithful group that is encouraging, inviting and lovely. I feel very lucky.
Yet through all this I felt an enormous sense of fear. I didn't want to tell my mom I met them. I didn't want her to feel hurt or pushed out. I didn't want to threaten her or make her seem unimportant. If anything, meeting Cheryl has made me love and appreciate my mom more. It has shown me that she is without a doubt the reason I have grown to be the woman I am today and she is my only mother; she is irreplaceable.
I waited many months before finally tellingly mom this weekend about my journey. I was convinced there would be a lot of screaming and crying involved. I dreaded the conversation so much I was sick to my stomach and could barely hide the shaking of my hands. But it had to be done.
Sitting outside at a restaurant in the hot San Fernando Valley over chilled salads I manned up and told her. And to my complete surprise she was happy for me! She was encouraging and inquisitive! I was completely taken back by her reaction and spent the rest of the day waiting for the other shoe to drop.
But it didn't...she even called me Sunday afternoon to tell me how brave I was for going on that journey and told me how proud she is of the woman I've become. Is this really my mom?!? I'm not sure what's going on here...I've waited 30 years to hear my mom sincerely tell me how proud I made her. How she is satisfied with my life choices and how much joy I bring her. She has spent years comparing me to the accomplishments of her friends children and I have always wanted her approval.
Funny how it wasn't until I finally stopped seeking it that I got approval from her. It took me not caring for her to notice me as a successful adult.
Life has a crazy way of working out; there are way too many parallels for things to be a result of chance. Life is beautiful when it works out; all you have to do is live it...and be brave!
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