Tonight I took my last final for my semester. This had been the worst semester to date, especially difficult because of all I've been through personally at the start of it. Things are finally balancing out and my life seems to be back on track, but a few months ago it seemed like it all broke open and nothing made sense. I was overwhelmed and overtaken by emotions, good and painful, and couldn't gain control of my heart.
As dark and dramatic as it sounds, it is almost as if my spirit had to be broken to get back to who I once was when I was happy and confident. I had to let go, let in emotion, process new and unfamiliar pain, and let go again to understand the choices I have the power to make and appreciate each day I get to make them.
With my therapist out of town for a month, I'm left to my own devices to continue the healing process. I have recently started mindfulness meditation and have really started to enjoy the challenge of accepting the emotions I'm feeling for what they are. It's actually quite difficult to be that present and aware. I don't know if I would be able to do this without the pain.
I use my desire for companionship and partnership as motivation. I look at my hopefulness for a future full of family, love and success as a driving force to be adjusted and grounded.
The quote below is very true. I've held on to the anger and pain from my dad passing away for 11 years as of tomorrow. Tomorrow is 11 years to the date when he was taken from us far too soon. I think about him every day and am so mad at myself because I struggle to remember the sound of his voice. I reminisce of special outings and good times we shared and try my hardest to live up to his standards and make him proud. My father was my sounding board; my confidant; my hero. I was a typical daddy's girl and can only hope I am half the person he was. I aspire to be as kind, compassion, patient, understanding, gentle and loving.
Tonight, as I lay in bed falling asleep, I can't help but think of him and hope his spirit is still present, with me, proud of the woman I've become. I wish I could see him one last time and watch him play basketball with his buddies at Venice High School on a Saturday morning. With my eyes closed I can hear the ball bouncing on the freshly waxed gymnasium floor. I can smell the musty wear on the old wood bleachers. I can hear his laugh and his friend calling out, "hey its Dan the Man." I can feel the warmth of his smile that barely showed his top teeth as he look over at me on the side court practicing my layups. I can hear my heart beat pounding as I keep him in my mind.
Dad, I am sorry if I have failed you. I only want to make you proud and live with love and kindness as you did so gracefully. I hope you know how much I love you and miss you every single day of my life. I will love you for eternity, until we get to meet again.
Dad, you are my personal superhero.
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