Scrapes and Burns

This weekend was so incredibly bittersweet. It left me considering my place in life and those I keep close to me in my inner circle. It was a complete roller coaster of emotions; from genuine laughter and silliness to deep conversation. Experiences were both lighthearted and extremely heavy. By the end of the weekend, Sunday night, I was sure of one thing; I was going to stand up for my emotions and be real and honest with those whom I care about and want to maintain relationships with.

Today I woke up knowing I am sick and tired of making excuses for those in my life who are unable to express emotion or take ownership for the part they play in any wrongdoing or feelings of ill will. I am sick of giving third and fourth chances to people who only take. I can't stand feeling like a fool for putting myself out there with my heart on my sleeve, expressing myself and being up front and honest with my feelings regardless of whether they are good or bad, when others can't seem to do the same. I will no longer give out respect when it is not reciprocated.

Worst of all is the person who is so void of emotion and so detached that they cannot admit when they have faltered and are unable to be a real friend and own up to their wrongdoings. I was raised right, with a good head on my shoulders, a solid conscience and a big heart and know that when I hurt someone, intentionally or by accident, it is my responsibility to own up to my bad behavior and give someone the satisfaction of knowing why I did what I did. Even if there is no good reason.

We are all humans capable of making bad decisions and likely to act in ways that hurt other human beings, even when we do not have bad intentions. A true good, kind soul is one that is capable of listening to other people and is receptive to the feedback they get about how their actions and choices have affected others. We are not always going to like or appreciate what we hear, but there is really no other way to grow and become better if we cannot hear criticism and feedback. No one is perfect and only a fool, in my opinion, thinks they have nothing left to learn and are flawless.

Here is a quick story. My friend went through a situation that really bothers me. She was dating a guy who swept her off her feet. He seemed completely charming, hitting it off right away, having a juicy two hour make out session on their first date, and getting in deep within a matter of weeks. As she described their relationship it seemed as if they were both really into each other, spending a lot of time with one another after work and on the weekends when he was free or she was not committed to other plans. They seemed to really enjoy the company of one another, and she seemed to give in to opening up and trusting in him. She sat in tears and explained that out of nowhere he suddenly pulled away, distancing himself, no longer spending as much time with her, barely showing sexual interest, which left her feeling undesirable and unattractive. She said that she had no idea what she had done wrong and could not understand that even with all the similarities they shared in the way they thought and their likes and dislikes, she was still not enough and he pulled away. She repeated over and over again, "how could he do this to me?"

It was really heartbreaking to think about someone doing such a thing and giving no explanation, but the worst was not the fact that he retracted his feelings and lacked closeness so abruptly. It was his callousness in response when she reached out again with her emotions on her sleeve. It was as if he had no concern for the affect he had on her and the weight of his actions. It was as if she were completely disposable and not worthy of his respect. I wanted so badly to tell my friend that she was wasting her time investing in a man so broken and in desperate need of personal growth and work on his own lost soul. It wasn't actually something she had done wrong. Perhaps she was simply not physically attractive to him. That was definitely not something she wanted to hear, but still it was a possibility.

Regardless of the million "whys" we tossed back and forth, the only part worth focusing on was the fact that the man she pursued was broken and incapable of accepting his role in hurting her and unable to face the affects of his actions. He was devastated from a divorce that left him feeling inconsequential and abandoned and yet he was so blinded to what was the real reason his wife had left. He had never actually been able to look within and examine himself, seeing past ego and this unrealistic defensive viewpoint that he was not in need of any personal change. It was all a rouse and a front to hide his anxiousness and feelings of inferiority and loneliness.

My friend knew all along that he was not right for her. That she was in fact healthier mentally and more capable of having a successful, loving relationship. She knew that she deserved a partner that would rub her neck when she was sore or give her advice and really be there when she needed hug and words of encouragement. He was not that because he couldn't see past his own life and his own needs. He was far too selfish to give her what she deserved and she was far too good for him. For that type of relationship.

I hate seeing people hurting and I too will make a million excuses for someone if I want things to work out, but something I can learn from this example is not to waste my time on those who are too self absorbed to be really connected and true to others they care about. We should not lower our expectations to accommodate those who are unwilling to do so for us.

As she explained how heartbroken and embarrassed she was for pursing a man who made such little effort to care and love her back, I felt bad for the man because he was so blinded by his own failures and pain that he threw away a chance to be with such a beautiful person. He was so stuck on the failure of his marriage and the drama in his own life that he was unable to see that a beautiful, smart, funny, kind, gentle, dedicated woman was there trying to do nothing other than love him.

It makes me sad that so many people in this world are overly focused on all the bad things that have happened to them, failed marriages, lack of employment, feeling sorry for ourselves instead or recognizing the good that is right in front of them, ultimately throwing away a truly good relationship for their own sorrows. Some people really seem to want to stay miserable.

I feel bad for those feeling like my friend and wish that I could either change the way people think or help people to move on without feeling pain. Life is so difficult with so many layers like a bitter onion. All we can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep our eyes open and focused on the potential for good and true love within our lives. No one ever said life is going to be easy. Its just about surviving the scrapes and burns we get along the way. 

Therapy and Asking for Care

 

 Last night I started therapy. I have come to a point following all the recent changes in my life within the past year where I can no longer avoid dealing with my feelings. I have known for a long time that ignoring the real issues that make me feel anxious or depressed is not a good coping mechanism. Last weekend, feeling as low as I did, was a wake up call that I really need to learn the healthy way to process my emotions.

After going through a history of my childhood, family, relationships, friendships, fears and so on, we discussed the practice of mindfulness; accepting and focusing ones attention on the emotions, thoughts and sensations at the present moment. My therapist asked me how the thought of practicing mindfulness made me feel, and my answer was “uncomfortable.” The idea that I should accept and focus my attention on how I feel when I am anxious makes me cringe. It sounds torturous to intentionally feel pain and not do something to block it out. But I realize, with time will come acceptance and understanding that it is okay to feel as I am feeling and will ultimately help me process the emotions in a healthy way. I left last night feeling both excited for the therapeutic process to begin and fearful of what I will uncover.

There is a big part of me that feels like I am alone on this journey, and that no one really knows what I feel or what thoughts run through my mind. I have always been the one to give out advice and care, there for people anticipating that they may feel sad or afraid or just need my attention, and I feel like I rarely get it back. I know a lot of this is because I shut people out and never say to anyone, “hey, I need you to be more present” or “I need you to ask me more often how I’m doing and check in,” but doesn’t that seem completely selfish to ask? And doesn’t that also mean that if I have to ask and it is not someone’s natural inclination to want to be involved, that it means they do not care?

I feel like I have been doing life wrong for a long time. I feel like I’ve been a chameleon since I was a child, doing things that make others happy; being the daughter that would make my mother proud; the friend that everyone looked up to; the wife that took care of everything. What has really happened is I have lost my own identity in the process over the years, and now I am learning all over again who I really am.

Patience is something I really need to work on. I have typically wanted instant gratification and immediate answers. I want career advancement right away and whatever hobby I get involved in I feel as if I have to master it. When my ex and I started dating we moved in together after only three months and were practically a married couple within the first year. I have always been this “all or nothing” extreme version of myself and it is time to slow down. It is time to take it slow, enjoy the adventure, enjoy the company, let life happen just a little bit more and allow myself the time it takes to really deal with the emotions I am feeling. It is time to really recognize that things that have taken 31 years to develop will not be resolved overnight.

Following my session I sat at home going over things discussed and realized that one of the reasons I lack patience is fear. I am scared to take things slow because I am afraid I will be forgotten. I am afraid of not being a priority, afraid of missed opportunities, afraid of being insignificant. I am afraid that I will start to feel happy, closeness, enjoyment, care, love, and a million other emotions that I really like to feel and then will lose all of that. I need to change my way of thinking and realize that taking things slow does not mean that they are not important; that I am not important. It isn’t a bad thing to be careful.  

I know that this therapy process, as painful and difficult as it may be, is ultimately going to be the best thing that I could have done for myself. Today, at the present moment, I accept that I am feeling slightly anxious and worried, and recognize where those emotions are coming from.

Anxiety From The Silence

I am sitting there, yawning, exhausted, then I get into pajamas and crawl into bed and I'm wide awake. I lay here with a million thoughts running through my mind when I just want things to be quiet. I struggle to uplug; to put the phone down.

In my process of self discovery and understanding I've come to realize I am afraid that letting someone in and opening up means I will end up hurt. I hate the vulnerability that comes with sharing and expressing feelings. I don't want to be judged and worse, I don't want to be cast aside or shut out. 

Nothing worries me more than sharing something deeply personal and getting nothing in return. Getting no response. I find it hard to sit still, wondering if I'm being judged or if I've shared too much. My mind plays a cruel game against me, telling me negative thoughts like I am not going to be liked anymore or I am going to be hurt because I've opened up. I feel like I'm going to be shut down and so why even try.

These days vulnerability shows itself in the form of anxiety. I feel like I'm mentally pacing back and forth, waiting for a reply or feeling that "what did you just do?" feeling once I've let someone in. 

I just try to keep in mind that it's healthy to let people in and important to be honest. This process of learning to be a better version of myself has shown me a lot and I hope that with time I will close my eyes and fall asleep a bit easier and be more assured that letting someone in and sharing my feelings doesn't always equal something bad. 

Feels More Like Work

I'm off of work for a week on what is supposed to be vacation, but it's more like a really extended weekend. I am a bit disappointed that I didn't plan anything to do, and taking time off while everyone is working has left me with only solo options for entertainment. I know there's nothing wrong with going to see a movie alone, but to me it is just not that enjoyable. These days alone is the last thing I want to do, especially when there are people in my life I actually want to spend time with.

I say a lot that I don't like people, but after the dream I had last night I don't think that is a fair statement. I actually really enjoy the company of those I care about. I am afraid I've pushed people away going through all the change over the past several months. I am worried I'll wake up one day and have no one in my life because I've shut everyone out. 

Today I am going to finish packing, work out, take myself to lunch and visit my new apartment. It is not a big place. Not lavish, or grand. It is small, humble, understated, historic, has some wear but all giving it character and charm. I think my new place is a lot like me. It doesn't need much, doesn't pretend to be anything it is not, and just wants to be loved and seen as beautiful for what it is. 

I can't wait to move. Both physically and mentally into a better head space. I woke up questioning a hell of a lot in my life right now. Thinking about what I have versus what I deserve. About what I share and what is shared with me. I feel like most of the time I put it all out there and am going to stop over sharing. I feel like there are people in my life I share too much with and those I don't share enough. I'm sure a good portion of my anxious worry can be attributed to the move this week, but it is also because I stopped to feel. There are some people in my life I wish would let me in more. Or be more expressive. No more over sharing for me. No more putting it all out there. I will put out what I get back and over time grow to know and understand. 

Today is supposed to be vacation, but it feels more like work. 

Getting Through It

I keep trying to talk myself out of negative thinking, and so far it's not going so well. I just have to say it. I feel like I'm an after thought; useless; isolated; always pushed to the back burner. I know it's petty and immature to feel like this, so maybe saying it loud and clear will be the beginning of the end to feeling these stupid feelings. 

Things are extremely busy in every aspect of my life and time is passing by way too quickly. Is living life really all about bouncing from one thing to the next, playing a constant game of catch up and try to survive? It hardly seems like living to me. 

I recognize a major issue leading to why I feel this way today; actually this whole week. I take things way too personal. I internalize everything and probably feel much stronger than most about pretty much everything. I am starting to think that I put more care and emphasis on things than others, and have too high of expectations from people. I care a lot and I think it is to my detriment. 

Here I am siting at Starbucks on my lunch break blogging and trying to just catch my breath. I feel off - nothing seems right and combine that with feeling put off and now all I want to do is go home, crawl under the covers and sleep the day away. 

I am most likely just throwing a juvenile tantrum because things aren't "fun" right now. Life is throwing serious lemons at me right now and there is a lot to deal with. I am trying my hardest to power through it with a smile on my face and I'm not always able to do it gracefully. 

It is stupid but it's true - things are better when they are light hearted, silly, relaxed, in sync, etc. I know there will not always be days like this, but I just wish there were more good days than bad. I wish there was more laughter than frustration or angry faces. I wish life was a little less serious more often. 

It is all about perspective and I'm trying to keep in mind that this is just a day - one Friday out of many more to follow that will be both good and bad. I'll get through it just like I did the one before it and will do so over and over again in the future... Because that is what living life is about; getting through it and over it and moving on. Right? 

Relationships Are Hard

The question of care came up in a rather heated conversation with my husband tonight on my way to the gym. We've been together a decade (literally) and you would think that after all that time we would know exactly how to care for one another when we are sick or feeling low. But we don't...

He is suffering from sinus allergies or some mild head cold and as a result is incredibly irritable. I should honestly know better than to approach him with opinions or advice. It's just not received well when he's in this condition. I should know this by now, right?! But I did the exact opposite and he erupted in anger. Guess I was asking for it...?

In the thick of the angry exchange we touched upon the topic of care. I do not know how to care for him how he wants. After ten years I apparently care for him how I want to be cared for, not how HE wants. I never stopped to think I was doing it wrong; bringing him a blanket when he wants a hot meal. I have been being emotionally there for him when he wanted to get a neck massage and then to be left alone. 

It begs the question of why didn't he speak up and correct it? Why not just say what you need? It's not being polite in my opinion if you're just going to throw it back in my face in a later argument. 

To get a bit personal here, when I get my period I want to be approached gently, fed and reassured. I want love and sympathy. Until recently this was not how I was cared for and so I spoke up. He has tried really hard to care for me in a way that makes me happy that is completely opposite from his natural inclination. I need to do the same.

I think that the people we were ten years are drastically different from who we both are today and so our ways of caring need to be adjusted accordingly. I feel sadness for the argument and while I don't think it's fair to verbally lash out at someone because of feeling ill or exhausted, I should have done everything differently. 

I can't believe I'm still learning how up coexist after so many years. I can't believe that we have changed so much. This year I will work harder on recognizing other peoples needs and making sure that not only am I happy, but so are they. 

Maybe It's Me

One thing that really pisses me off is lack of communication. It's so frustrating when someone is clearly affected by something and instead of addressing the issues or even acknowledging it, they just isolate. No awareness for how they affect those around them. They may not purposefully be distant, distracted, crabby, argumentative, what have you, but they are and that takes a toll on those around them. Especially those who care to help. So many people do this!

Being a naturally more emotional person, I am more greatly affected by these types of people. I hate feeling shut out by them feeling shut down. I don't deserve that. No one does. Internalizing isn't healthy; I should know from years of experience.

I have little tolerance for stupid at the moment. Of course I will not be outright bitchy to someone because they aren't doing things right or have limited comprehension; but inside I want to scream. I hate having to do twice the work to make up for some one's shortcomings or inability to listen.

But feeling like complete shit because communication is void and you're left in the dark feeling like you did something to deserve being shut out is way worse. Wondering why you are being treated so coldly and what changed in the course of a day sucks. Some one's bad mood taken out on you even if by lack of communication is the absolute worst. 

I may be shy to speak my opinion or new idea, but I will always tell you how I feel. You may not like what I have to say, but I'll never leave you hanging. I will let my bad days show; I am not perfect. But you will know if it is you or not that caused it because I will tell you. If I fuck up, tell me I fucked up. If you are upset be upfront. 

Maybe I'm doing things wrong - maybe I'm reading into things. Maybe I'm more observant to things people aren't even aware they are putting out there. Maybe they don't care about me as much as I think. Maybe I'm projecting. Maybe quiet time isn't a bad thing. Maybe I'm being a little kid feeling a lack of attention. Maybe it's me. 

I wish my mind would shut up and shut down and stop worrying. Stop working so hard; stop sabotaging my self esteem. I wish, I wish, I wish for more communication...

Let You In - Shut Me Out

I have written and erased the start of this blog four times. I don't know why, but I feel like nothing is good enough. I feel like no subject is interesting enough to write about; like nothing I write is worthy. I think I may be projecting.

I have a bit of a heavy heart at the moment and am doing a lot of reflecting these days. That shift I wrote about hasn't changed, in fact it may be worse. I feel like everything is awkward without cause. Like one day out of the blue there was no more of the normal I was used to and awkwardness has become the constant. I miss the normal way of things. Is it me? Did I do something wrong to disrupt the balance of the universe? Sigh.

I'm still me, same old strange, crazy me...right? I may just be a more emotional version with a giant heart full of care and good intentions that I struggle to show the right way. But it's still me. 

Is this interesting yet? Blog worthy? I still don't think so... Is it more interesting when I get personal? I know that the more intimate the information the more we feel like we are special and "in the know", but I struggle. I am torn between wanting to share to not only get it out but to maybe help someone else going through the same thing and the thought that my really personal issues are nobody elses fucking business. 

I am worried that when you read this you will only see me for my flaws; for all the issues I am battling and not for the other parts of me that make me whole. I worry that I will never be the same to you and that my life will seem like a giant complaint. If I truly let you in I hope you don't shut me out. 

This is one of my deepest worries and deepest struggles; and one of the biggest reasons why I try to act like its all okay.

Share!!

I've been asked a few times how I can be comfortable writing so openly and have been commended for putting it all out there so publicly in this blog. I have been told by several people that they have shared many of the same fears or feelings I've written about and haven't been able to share it before reading my blog. I am very humbled and honored that my writing and sharing of my experiences have meant something to people. But I also say to them...share!

Of course it's not easy to open up and share the intimate fears and struggles of your life, especially in such a public forum. But your struggles, fears, frustrations, sadness, disappointments, whatever may be plaguing you must come out. It is not only unhealthy to ball everything up into a painful supernova of negative emotion, but you should have people in your life you genuinely trust that you can allow in and help you. 

Chances are if someone is close to you and willing to lay it all on the line and let you in, you are able to do the same. I have very few people in my life that I have allowed to see the true person I am, every side to me, the good, the bad and the ugly. I have a few people close enough to me to know how much I care, how truly sensitive I am, how hard I love, and how guarded I come across. 

I have made a serious effort to allow myself to trust enough to share who I am and what I am feeling. More people need to do this - let someone trying to help in, shed the tough skin and be upfront about your woes. We all have good days and shitty days, sometimes more shitty than good. But if someone lets you help them, tear down your wall and let them help you back. It has taken me a long time to realize that it is okay to feel and alright to let people in. I just wish more people would do the same. 

And also related to letting out your feelings, I have been thinking a lot about personal responsibility for our emotions and what we allow to get us down in the first place. Most of us do not seem to be aware of how much our moods affect others close to us. I am guilty of this and am trying to be more aware of how my actions or emotions affect others.

I've also realized that I have control over who I let put me in a bad mood or hurt me. It's amazing how much better life is when you realize this. You can fight me, yell, scream, jump up and down, try to push me around, get jealous, act a fool, do whatever you wish; but you are not going to get me down or break my stride. It's not worth letting my whole day turn to shit because of someone elses emotions. 

I can only control and be responsible for my own feelings and actions. I can only live my life focusing on my own fears and feelings, letting in those close to me to help me along the way. And I really need to remember not to take myself so damn seriously!

Sensitive Flower

It's really frustrating when you end up on the crossfire of someones bad mood. When you end up bearing the brunt of their attitude. I am the first to admit that I've done this to many innocent victims.

My natural inclination is to think everything is personal; that if someone is not overly chatty then I must have done something wrong; that if someone snaps at me or has an elevated tone it must be a result of something I did. I'm fucking sensitive!

That's why I hate being snapped at. I don't know what to do with someone in this situation and instantly get a flush, nervous feeling and a fast heartbeat. My blood pressure spikes and my mind goes into overdrive. I feel like crying and don't know what to do to make it better. I feel like a kid at a core level who just wants to say "I'm sorry, please don't hate me" so things go back to normal.

And what if someone was already stressed out and thus overly sensitive as a result and it was something I said that triggered the bad mood and angry reaction? How do you come back from that? I'm just left feeling like a complete ass hat and have to wait it out. 

I wish people communicated more openly, myself included. I wish people were open to say something like "hey, I'm in a bad mood" or "excuse my distance, I'm under a lot of pressure right now." Maybe even a little confirmation like "it's not you or anything you did, it's something I'm going through right now." 

I try to be open with the people I'm closest to and make an effort to be forthcoming with my mood and aware of how it affects them. I really try to vocalize when I'm struggling and although it is hard, I try to admit that I'm in a bad head space and that I don't mean to take it out on others.

The most amazing thing is that once I admit I'm having a hard time it's almost like that is a form of acceptance and my mood shifts. It's just the coming to terms with it that makes it a little bit better and less of a big deal. 

We all have struggles, believe me where I am at right now is no walk in the freakin park. Trying to build a business, a family, make an imprint in my career, save money, and survive is not a short order and gets me down. I can't take it out on others and have to be more aware of how my attitude affects others around me. 

At the end of the day I realize it is not a perfect world and not everyone is comfortable with their shortcomings and can admit when they are gruff or having a hard time. Not everyone is open about their feelings and how they affect others. I can only worry about me and how I react to them. I'm a sensitive flower building a stronger stem.