Put It In Perspective! That's What It's All About!

I went back to working out at a fitness class I used to participate in on a regular basis. I had not been to this class in three months as a result of moving to a new apartment, a hectic work and school schedule, and social distractions. I had been going to my regular gym to run on the treadmill, but was not putting much effort into working out and pushing myself as well as eating healthy. I knew it was time to step it up again and get back to the fitness routine I once loved and was dedicated to, however I found it challenging to get motivated after working long hours.

That all changed yesterday. Following a conversation with someone on Monday that included some harsh honesty, I was devastated. It is really hard to receive feedback about a personal shortcoming, especially physical appearance. I was really hurt and felt emotionally bruised. I felt ugly and my confidence was broken. All I could think about is how disgusting I must be physically and how everyone is walking around looking at me, thinking that I am just the most unattractive person they’ve laid eyes on. I realize that this is completely extreme, but when confidence is shaken up like that it is hard to reel yourself in and put it in perspective.

We are all people that have feelings and different sore subjects that we do not like to talk about. Constructive criticism, judgment, feedback, rejection is all hard to stomach. It’s never easy to tell someone something they do not want to hear. I think it is important to pay attention to delivery of that message and keep mindfulness in terms of sensitivity when having these types of conversations.

I decided to do something I do not typically like to do. I posted on Facebook a status that read, “Going back to Cardio Barre after a significant amount of time away. Sometimes it takes someones hurtful honesty to wake you up and get you back on track. ‪#‎notgonnastopme.” I didn’t necessarily want an outpouring of support from my friends and acquaintances, but I did want to know what people thought and wanted to be open about what I was struggling with. The responses really overwhelmed me. Not one person had any negative criticism. In fact, it was quite the opposite. I received a flood of comments from friends reminding me of my beauty and my potential. I received encouragement and even got texts outside of social media from friends reassuring me that it was an issue with someone else, and not with me.  

Out of a really crappy situation came a beautiful reminder of how lucky I am to have such amazing friends and how beauty is not just skin deep. I guess the world isn’t looking at me thinking I’m a hideous troll. Not everyone sees the same thing that one person saw. And then it all became clear… it’s ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE!

How one person sees someone is not necessarily how everyone else views them. Just because one person tells you that your hair color is not attractive doesn’t mean that it really is. It just means that to that specific individual they would prefer to see something else. Another valuable lesson out of all this is that you should never change for anyone else based on what feedback they give you about their own personal preference or perspective. Wear the clothes that make you happy. Dye your hair whatever color suits your style. Tattoo your body if you feel so inclined and it defines your personality and lifestyle. The only standard that everyone should live by is always be true to yourself. I have a permanent reminder on my wrist that “to thine own self be true,” yet it is something I forget the most.

I was initially motivated by a harsh comment to get my ass back to a regimented exercise routine and a healthier lifestyle; however that was merely the spark that ignited the flame. I am driven and motivated for me. I want to be happy and healthy for me. For my family, good friends, for those I love and for those who love me back. Life is way too short to waste time focusing on the comments and critiques. I am thankful for everything in my life even more so today than yesterday. Feeling very loved.

What's It Going To Take?

I think I'm more excited that today is Saturday than yesterday's Valentines Day holiday. I am so happy to have a few days off even if it's full of homework and chores. At least it's my time and it's stress free.

Last week was chalked full of negative every and bad vibes and it really got to me. My only recourse  was to shut up and quietly plug away to get through my days. I hate weeks like that because I generally love being at work and enjoy what I do. But weeks full of bad attitudes and people rushing around with a sense of secretive urgency really start to wear you down. 

I got up this morning slowly after finally sleeping in and thought about how it's almost been 1 year since I turned 30 and since I made the choice to be completely sober. It's amazing how quickly time has passed and just how much has gone on during that time. Being back in school is bringing up reminiscent memories of the first try at college and the fun times with my crazy friends in my early 20's. I miss the parties and being completely uninhibited, the laughter and that larger than life feeling. 

I've spent the year struggling to find my place. It's been a very difficult year with a lot of change. I am finally feeling comfortable in my own skin like I am a new me that I am okay with. I don't worry about being out at a bar as much and am okay saying no to a drink without feeling fearful. Sure I miss it and have a feeling I always will, but I'm okay with that as long as I get support where I need it. 

As my birthday approaches in a few months I can't help but feel restless and refuse to let any more unproductive time pass me by. I'm not wasting a second. I have a lot of emotion in my little body and I'm going to start showing it, in a good way. 

How many of you feel like you want to change something about yourself but don't have a clue where to start? Or you just don't try because it seems like too much of an uphill battle? 

The best place to start is anywhere. If your goal is losing weight, just start making better choices with food and exercise. It is so easy to accept the status quo and just exist, but I ask you this... Is just existing really living? I sure don't think so.

Life isn't a cake walk for me right now. Our business is struggling a bit, my mom is still trying to recover from a major injury, my grandma is dying, two of Toms uncles have incurable cancer, marriage isn't always easy, etc. But that is life; there will always be things to work on or have to fight through. I am not letting it stop me!

Are you? 

On Life, Death and Everything In Between

Yesterday was my 100^th blog, and early this morning I decided to review some of the blogs with the highest readership. A lot has gone on this past year, and that isn’t even a full year of blogging. 100 blogs in 8 months… I never realized I had that much to say.

The trip down memory lane got me thinking about life, death and everything in between. Like almost every human being I know, I go through my rough patches which can be dark, a bit negative and hopeless. I, like any normal person, occasionally lose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel, and feel like throwing my hands up at the challenges that come my way. This blog has been a blessing – a true outlet for me to let you what I usually keep bottled up inside and in turn hopefully can help someone else going through a similar situation.

I want to impart something to you. Something I have been thinking about since early this morning. Something that may help you as you go about your days or may not and you might think I’m preachy and full of it. Take out of this what you wish, leave it if you do not care; the choice is yours.

Working in my industry and losing a parent at a young age makes me acutely aware of how fragile life really is. It can be taken at any moment. Death is obviously inevitable and can be peaceful and calm or be a very scary, painful exit. We have no meter to warn us when our time is up; no empty light or cautionary sign. We exist, day in and day out, and hope that we will be there to see the next. And most of the time we live our lives on autopilot, living out a daily routine week after week.

In looking back at my blogs I apologize for complaining about the “everything in between” as much as I have. I am lucky to have that – to have it all; the stresses, the anxiety, the drama, the loss, the pain… I am lucky to have the ability to feel, even if they are negative. We are all lucky to go through the motions, even if it is the routine of daily life.

I never thought I’d be afraid of my own death, but the thought of my mortality scares me. It is the ultimate unknown and so final. Being surrounded by death every day is not easy to adjust to. It is a daily reminder that the end may be closer than it appears. But it is also a wake-up call to me that I need to pay more attention to. I have a daily reminder right in my face telling me to slow down, lighten up, and enjoy the “everything in between.”

So I give this gift to you. Slow down! Look around and be aware. Show more appreciation for those you love and those you care for. Take in the world as it moves around you and find your balance. Worry less. Trust more. Open your heart wider and fill it with more love; more joy; more energy; more compassion. Focus less on the ugliness of others and concern yourself with improving your own inner dialogue. Judge less and help more.

I woke up today feeling anxious, fearful of my family’s financial stability, a bit low. After reading all of these blogs and the emails from some loyal readers, I feel empowered to get back on track and be a better person. I feel alive and want to live a better daily life.

I do not know when my last days will be, hopefully not any time soon. But knowing that there will be an end at some point, I will life better, love harder, be stronger and hopefully you will too.

Some Kind of Crazy

Am I in a bad mood? I guess I am. Okay I know I am in some kind of mood. I am feeling something...not sure if it's one describable mood or if it's just a combination of emotions and the effects of disappointment. I feel underutilized in many aspects of my life. I feel restless, emotional, crazy, contemplative, unmotivated to push for what I want. I feel like I'm just existing. Maybe it's just hormones. Maybe it's a bit of truth I am disappointed with.

I feel like I am capable of a lot more. I am technically always busy, but I feel like I don't make a difference. I am always doing something, working, volunteering, working out, but I am not saving the world...wow that is dramatic. But honestly, I can't be on this earth taking up space and do nothing to help out others. I have to use this big ass heart of mine some how. I need to make change, make a difference - to help.

I am a helper; a fixer; a problem solver. I feel like there is a leader inside of me that I need to harness and let out. I have an alpha personality in me that is good at delegating, good at leading, at speaking up, good at action in many ways. I have to learn how to break past my fear of making a mistake or taking a wrong turn and show that I have what it takes. I am currently hiding in the shadows taking a backseat to bigger voices, all of which I am equally as competent. I have to break past being a manager of none, a silent voice, a bunch of locked up good ideas, a passenger in my husbands company, a neglectful partner, a half ass volunteer, an artist with no canvas. I'm getting pretty sick of being so nervous; so full of anxiety. It is unbecoming and I'm throwing away my potential.

I got this email today about my application deadline approaching for the online degree program at UMASS. I keep going back to this program, knowing it is imperative that I finally finish my bachelors degree. It is vital for me to get this fucking diploma so that I feel confident and equal. I've learned everything on my own and I take pride in that, but I also feel like a spec out of every one's radar without it. 

On a side note - we have a new person at work that is very green and literally a clean slate. I've never seen a professional clean slate, and honestly while there are definite benefits to this, it completely stinks. It's a major setback. Obviously not for the manager who gets to mold the greenhorn into the perfect, subservient minion, but to the rest of the team who has to not only help educate job function but also guide in terms of work ethic. It's frustrating. And it makes me realize I am worth a lot. (Please ignore my minute of gratuitous self promotion) 

I am fucking valuable! I can anticipate need, think on my toes, make instant decisions and research anything to back it up. I am resourceful, intelligent, driven as all hell; I am a motivator and a "yes" woman. There is truly nothing I cannot do because if I don't already know how to do it I will figure it out and get it done. I am thirsty for education and training and want to manage. I am a company player but also have compassion for the team. I am value.

I don't think you can teach those qualities. What you can educate someone on is finding their voice. Finding their confidence to speak up and lead a team. I don't want to be a manager of nothing. I don't want to be a shlub; an unsuccessful and unimportant person. I don't want to be left in the shadows in any aspect of my life, professional and personal. 

I don't feel like one is really living if they are not trying to grow to be the best version of themselves. If you are stagnant you are not living life and are helping no one, most definitely not helping yourself. 

It's time for me to help myself. To show the stuff I'm made of. To live up to my high standards I set. To make it in this life and find contentment and success. 

Whew...I feel better...guess there was something inside there bringing me down... I am some kind of crazy...

Helping Myself

I am much more motivated today than other Saturdays. I made it to the gym without hesitation and without anyone giving me an extra push. I am responsible for what I do and do not do and if I want to get in shape, look good and feel fabulous it is up to me only me. I can't rely on anyone else to get me here and help me meet my goals - I have to drive myself. 

So here I am, back on this machine, working up a very healthy sweat, thinking about the events of the day to follow. We have this BBQ to attend at a friends new home. There will be a few old friends there and people I've either never met or met once in passing. I am actually a bit nervous. 

Not because of who is going to be there or because of any social awkwardness; because of the unknown emotional response I may have. As I've mentioned in a few other blogs, my 30's have started out with a bit of difficulty in terms of my feelings on the milestones I've hit or rather not hit by this point in my life. I've been feeling a tremendous amount of pressure about being married 5 years and not having a home with a picket white fence and a child. So today, going to the new home of an old acquaintence who is 6 months pregnant and only married one year weighs heavy on my mind. 

It's honestly nothing against them at all; I truly am very happy for them and can really see how happy they both are. It is an insecurity within myself combined with an unreasonable dose of jealousy that I'm dealing with. But that's exactly what I'm doing - dealing with it. 

I figure I'm right in the middle - I do boy have the fairy tale home or the bun in the oven, but I'm also married to a great guy and I'm establishing a successful career while he builds a successful business that is the foundation for our future. I am right in the middle of the spectrum of life and I'm actually happier than I realized. 

It helps to take a step back and gain perspective on each situation. There isn't one prescribed path everyone must take in life. That is a dated way of looking at things. There are more options out there then stay at home mom of three and overworked father. A dual income no kids family dynamic is acceptable too!

As far as my outlook on today, I will go with a heart full of happiness for their success and congratulate them sincerely. And I will remember that for us, all of our mandatory hard work, blood, sweat and tears, will eventually pay off and give us our own version of success. 

Get Up...Get Out...Get A Life...

I really don't know what my deal is. I'm not depressed, not overly exhausted, definitely not feeling sick, yet the motivation to get off the couch, take a shower and go to the gym is just not there.

I have no problem going to the gym after work on the week days, but weekends are my struggle. I know I need to go and am completely unhappy with my weight, but I can't seem to motivate myself into action. 

I also can't decide what to do with my day. I am getting lunch with a friend which should be nice. But then what? I want to go to the beach considering it is supposed to be a scorcher. I also want to get coffee but have no one to get coffee with and don't want to sit there alone. I should go run errands but that's no fun. I have a whole day to myself pretty much every Saturday and I typically spend it debating what I should do and end up doing noting! So frustrating! 

I'm really not sure why motivation is one of my struggles right now. I used to be so driven and am not sure where that person went. I just need to suck it up, put one foot in front of the other and get my shit together! 

All By Myself

I am sitting by myself heaving a healthy breakfast at IHOP waiting for my car to get service. This is so foreign to me, eating alone. I don't even like the sound of the word alone...sounds so final, so dark, so harsh. I'm finding that it really isn't all that bad. It is quite enjoyable to sit and reflect and take in the moving world around me. I have been so down in the dumps and stressed out lately and it's kind of nice to get away from that and zone out at breakfast by myself. 

My first real experience eating alone was when earlier this year I decided to take a solo trip up the California coast to Morro Bay. Man was that a challenge! A good challenge that really tested my comfort zones and forced me to face my fear of independent activity. I learned that it may be awkward initially, but it gets easier and easier over time and now I am sitting here completely comfortable in my own skin. I realize no one is staring at me thinking "look at that girl all alone..." No one cares or even notices and there is something comforting in the idea that I can disappear into the atmosphere of the restaurant and just observe. 

I'm having quite an unmotivated day. My throat hurts big time and I think my stress and worry has come to a head and I am at my breaking point where all I want to do is alternate between sleeping and watching cheesy movies. I know I have to get my ass in gear and get to the gym as soon as my car is ready. I feel like I need a pep talk to walk the 6 blocks back to the dealership to pick up my car, so it's going to take everything I've got to get to the gym! Help!! 

It's funny how life can at times feel like a balancing act; a game of Jenga where at any moment if one thing is moved slightly it can all come crashing down. I know I'm being totally dramatic and that's mostly because I'm exhausted and not feeling well, but I'm trying to find a way to calm my nerves and realize it is a mere moment in time and like all other struggle in my life, this too shall pass.