I had to write a two page personal statement about why getting my formal education is important to me and what it means in terms of my future. Seemed simple enough.
But it was harder than I though to put into words why I am driven to finish my bachelors degree. There are the obvious reasons that initially came to mind; personal enrichment, finishing what I started, career advancement within my company, etc. But it's actually much deeper than that.
It is deeply rooted in my self confidence both personally and professionally. I know I'm a decent being and am quick to figure things out. I know I'm resourceful and creative. But I have to fight for everything I want and struggle for success more than one with a diploma. Nothing has been handed to me in my life. I made the dumb choice to flee college out of fear and head back to life with my parents. This was a bad choice and I've paid the price by having to work my ass off to get to where I am today. I have all that I have because of merit and persuasiveness.
Quite frankly I am fucking tired! I'm so tired of feeling like I am second rate in comparison to someone with a degree. I'm sick of having to fight so hard. And I'm really over feeling a lack of confidence, shying away from talk of alma maters or favorite parts of the college experience. I didn't have that because I fucked up. No one else is to blame but myself and so it's time to right that wrong.
I explained in my essay that my father used to say that I was stubborn and had to do everything on my own time; when I was ready; doing everything the more difficult way. He was so right! Here I am going back to finally finish college at 30! I know people say it doesn't matter at this point, but it matters to me. I regret greatly that my father died before seeing me get married and before he could see me graduate. I want to do this to honor him, so he knows I did the right thing in my own time, all be it 12 years later. I want to make him proud.
I also want to be able to have confidence knowing I'm just as smart and qualified to be where I am today; to sit in my meetings; to speak my mind. I will have a legitimate piece of parchment paper that certifies my understanding of business and my job. I will have confidence that I am presented competently and taken seriously. I won't have to google everything to confirm what I know on my own from practical application. I won't be a joke.
I have a lot of people who compliment me and I have a hard time believing it. I hate being told that I'm perfect because all it says to me is that I'm just a judgement for some one's insecurity. It makes me feel like I have to live up up all the praise and makes me fear failure. I am nothing but a person working hard up better themselves and their life both inside and externally.
I am going back to daily affirmations. I used to tell myself three things that I liked about myself every morning. It was a way of centering my spirit and setting out for the day on a positive note. I have strayed from doing this lately and I've suffered the consequence. So...here it goes:
I am funny - I feel my laughter has healing capability and brightens peoples days even if only momentary.
I am real - I believe wholeheartedly in connectivity and only foster real relationships based on honestly, love and mutual kindness.
I have nice eyes - I love my eyes. They have a depth to them that hold the layers of my personality. They are a beautiful combination of emerald green and the changing colors of fall and if you look closely they will tell you a story.
I will get it right this time around. Failure is not an option. I will live up to my compliments and prove to everyone that I am worth it all.
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