Somethings Gotta Give

I'm scared shitless! Recently I've been struggling with anxiety that only seems to be increasing. This past year I've encountered more family personal trauma than I should in a lifetime. My grandma died, my mom fell and broke her humerus in half, my mom had a kidney stone, and Tom knocked out three teeth and split his upper lip in half in a freak work injury. Tarzana Hospital has had a lot of business from my family this year.

My first anxiety attack happened when my mom went in the hospital for her broken arm. I was called by her boss while on the treadmill at the gym. She said it was serious and I raced from the gym out to the ER to find my mom in excruciating pain. Seeing her like this I broke down. I got lightheaded, covered in a deep cold sweat. I passed out cold. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't come out of it. I woke up in a wheelchair with Tom next to me. Apparently I went down like a sack of potatoes.

 After this incident I have not been the same. I am struggling and my anxiety is getting worse. I couldn't be there for Tom this week when he got hurt. I couldn't go to the ER, couldn't hold his hand whole he got his stitches, couldn't go to the dentist while they assessed the damage. I was useless to him. I feel completely useless to everyone. 

I had to let the hospice I was going up start volunteering with know that I cannot volunteer at this time. It wouldn't be fair for me to be unable to work with a deserving patient or give them the care they deserve because of my condition. I am so devastated. I want to help but can't even help myself.

It just made sense. I couldn't figure out why I'm so down today. It's because I want so badly to be anxiety free and able to give back, but I feel trapped and defenseless against it. I feel like I am unable to control my emotions and my fear is getting the best of me. 

I am scared. I can't let this get worse. I feel alone and isolated by this. I feel like I am being suffocated and I can't get past this reaction. I have such a hard time stopping the defeatist cycle of negative thinking when the anxiety starts up and I'm afraid it's going to keep getting worse. I got sober because I didn't like feeling depressed and yet I'm more fucked up now! I am trying so hard up love right, be a good person, give back to less fortunate, be a loving person, yet I am suffering more. 

I know there is an end to this and my depression is a result of the exhausting emotional tole the anxiety takes on me, I just want it to stop now. Not later; right now. I don't like being unable to be happy. Happy suits me and is something I try to work hard for. I don't want to be held hostage by this any longer. Somethings gotta give.