I feel like I am capable of a lot more. I am technically always busy, but I feel like I don't make a difference. I am always doing something, working, volunteering, working out, but I am not saving the world...wow that is dramatic. But honestly, I can't be on this earth taking up space and do nothing to help out others. I have to use this big ass heart of mine some how. I need to make change, make a difference - to help.
I am a helper; a fixer; a problem solver. I feel like there is a leader inside of me that I need to harness and let out. I have an alpha personality in me that is good at delegating, good at leading, at speaking up, good at action in many ways. I have to learn how to break past my fear of making a mistake or taking a wrong turn and show that I have what it takes. I am currently hiding in the shadows taking a backseat to bigger voices, all of which I am equally as competent. I have to break past being a manager of none, a silent voice, a bunch of locked up good ideas, a passenger in my husbands company, a neglectful partner, a half ass volunteer, an artist with no canvas. I'm getting pretty sick of being so nervous; so full of anxiety. It is unbecoming and I'm throwing away my potential.
I got this email today about my application deadline approaching for the online degree program at UMASS. I keep going back to this program, knowing it is imperative that I finally finish my bachelors degree. It is vital for me to get this fucking diploma so that I feel confident and equal. I've learned everything on my own and I take pride in that, but I also feel like a spec out of every one's radar without it.
On a side note - we have a new person at work that is very green and literally a clean slate. I've never seen a professional clean slate, and honestly while there are definite benefits to this, it completely stinks. It's a major setback. Obviously not for the manager who gets to mold the greenhorn into the perfect, subservient minion, but to the rest of the team who has to not only help educate job function but also guide in terms of work ethic. It's frustrating. And it makes me realize I am worth a lot. (Please ignore my minute of gratuitous self promotion)
I am fucking valuable! I can anticipate need, think on my toes, make instant decisions and research anything to back it up. I am resourceful, intelligent, driven as all hell; I am a motivator and a "yes" woman. There is truly nothing I cannot do because if I don't already know how to do it I will figure it out and get it done. I am thirsty for education and training and want to manage. I am a company player but also have compassion for the team. I am value.
I don't think you can teach those qualities. What you can educate someone on is finding their voice. Finding their confidence to speak up and lead a team. I don't want to be a manager of nothing. I don't want to be a shlub; an unsuccessful and unimportant person. I don't want to be left in the shadows in any aspect of my life, professional and personal.
I don't feel like one is really living if they are not trying to grow to be the best version of themselves. If you are stagnant you are not living life and are helping no one, most definitely not helping yourself.
It's time for me to help myself. To show the stuff I'm made of. To live up to my high standards I set. To make it in this life and find contentment and success.
Whew...I feel better...guess there was something inside there bringing me down... I am some kind of crazy...
No comments:
Post a Comment