I'm Not Worthy (said like Wayne and Garth)

I can't help but think about how I got to where I am and how toed together everything is. There is also a significant amount of irony in my story. It's funny; I was raised in a conservative Jewish household and got a formal Jewish education for 11 long, agonizing years. I was taught Hebrew conversationally and forced to study Jewish law and the Torah. I was a super Jew for a long time.

Come 11th grade I decides I had enough of it all. I left my over priced Jewish high school with straight A's and a grip of extracurriculars on my academic résumé. I went to public secular high school for my senior year and completely rebelled against my upbringing. I date a gothic flunky named Morgan who took pride in a D average and having multi-colored hair. His biggest accomplishment was turning the naive Jewish kid into a gothic, pot smoking, party girl. I adorned my body in parachute raver pants, fishnet shirts with only a bra underneath, band T-shirts, combat boots, flannels and a legendary long burgundy leather trench coat. And my hair...oh it got colorful. I dyed it whatever color I thought was a good idea  while I was wasted, often representing multiple colors of the rainbow at one time. 

I still maintained decent grades, however l gave up my volleyball career on the varsity team. I gave up friendships from my previous school seeing them as preppy and prissy. I made new friends with tweakers, thugs, lost kids and band geeks. I found myself floating by, ditching more classes than I attended, never really blossoming as a senior. I numbed myself to the frustration and resentment I really felt inside with drugs and booze.

I always felt like I was not deserving of the praise I got from my family and friends. I always felt like expectations were too high and I was never going to be good enough. So I proved that I was a bad kid. It was easier to take the low road and act out. It was an escape from the pressure.

I was just talking today with a friend about the fun times in the past being a fuck up. Life was simple and nothing was ever quite as fun as riding the high and feeling complete inhibition. Nothing was as exciting as going completely wild and partying my ass off. I lived hard and experienced so much; more than most and I'm sure not as much as many.

Honestly if I died today I would die happily knowing that I had a good life with a lot of fun. I have a colorful past with a lot of luck and fortune on my side. I made it out relatively unscathed and a more enlightened, exuberant person as a result. 

I fought so hard against the Jewish aspect of my life. I never visit my father at the Jewish cemetery where he is interred; I hadn't gone to high holiday services in 8 years until last year; I blocked out my formal Hebrew education; I refused to go to Israel. I even considered converting to Catholicism at one point. But here I am back in the scene, working for a very Jewish organization. 

Somehow I have ended up going full circle back in touch with my roots and my faith, still a doubter, but back in the midst of it all. I work for a place that deals with a Jewish person's finality. It is at my job where they make their final departure into the gates of heaven. 

It's ironic how I have tried to stray so far away from my faith and end up at such an important institution that is the last stop for Jewish people. It's my last stop in many ways; at least until I get fired haha...lets hope not.

I think too many things happen too often that tie in to one another for it all to be a coincidence. I found my job while attending my step-grandfathers funeral. I felt comfort at a time of distress. I also find comfort in the relationships that have developed as a result. I work with some amazing people who I have much in common with, who make me feel valued and worthy. I've searched for self worth my entire life and it feels so good to have finally found it.