Scared for Nothing

I am having a hard time blogging today. I am struggling to find a topic. I have plenty to write about on a very deep level, but I refrain because its so personal. I am afraid to really delve into the darkness of my fears and inadequacies that I'm facing. I also don't want to be such an open book. I've always been told that a woman should keep some things a mystery...I don't want to be so transparent.

But I also don't want to constantly write about topical issues that do not really address anything worth discussing. I don't want to use this blog as a bitchfest. It's more to me than that. 

I woke up this morning worried about my job. Not because I'm doing anything wrong, far from it actually. I started out my job assisting two people - the GM and the Controller. As my position developed and I became the in house graphic designer and marketing coordinator, I no longer had the time to provide the right type of assistance needed by the Controller. My ability to help him with projects became so limited that it was not fair to him. So after a few conversations it was decided that we would hire an assistant for him and I would grow in my other responsibilities. 

I was stoked! I was quite relieved to have my load lightened and be able to focus my time on advertising and projects for my GM. I was relieved to have less stress and be able to work more efficiently where it really mattered. Now it is a "be carefully what you wish for" situation. 

I'm worried. And I know it's unfounded and so ridiculous of me. My own boss has reassured me that I have nothing to worry about. But it's not common for me to give up work or projects...or control. I don't like saying no to work and feel like saying I am overwhelmed is a weakness. 

It comes from having to work my way up to where I am today. I don't gave a fancy degree to back me up or open doors - I only have hard work and merit. I have come this far because I haven't said no and have done it all on my own. I have to learn how to delegate and how to accept that this guy taking over half of my responsibility is not a threat but a blessing. It means I have other duties that are more important and more pressing. He's not going to take anything away from me that I don't want unless I stop working hard.

The dumbest part is that all this insecurity leaves me feeling like a 15 year old girl worried that I will be left out of the inner circle. As I get older I am getting more emotional and attached to meaning and it really pisses me off! I used to be so indifferent and unaffected. So cool and untouchable. I'm a big softie and I hate it.  I feel weak, vulnerable and wide open.

I used to wake up in the morning and tell myself three compliments to boost my self confidence before I left for work and am not sure why I stopped. It helps to take a moment to recognize things you consider personal triumphs and pat yourself on the back. I need to do this more. We could all stand to recognize our own beauty and talent more.

I am funny.
I am creative.
I provide good support.